Home No More

by Leddy Harper

  “He wrote me a letter and I just recently came across it. I guess he wrote it a while ago in case he never had the opportunity to explain things to me.”

  “And how did it make its way to you?”

  “It doesn’t matter how I got it. All that matters is, I’ve been wondering all this time why he would’ve taken me, and now I know the answer. These people have made me believe I had these amazing parents that loved me and out of nowhere, a deranged man came and ripped me from that life. But that couldn’t have been further from the truth. They weren’t perfect parents. They drove drunk with me in the car. And John wasn’t deranged. He loved me. He took care of me. He protected me. Something my parents didn’t do.”

  “Your parents made a poor choice. They made one bad decision. You can’t hold it all against them. What John did was illegal, and wrong. And the fact that you’re listening to a lost letter over me and your family here? That’s unfathomable and hurtful. Of course, he’s going to tell you a bunch of lies and spin it to make himself seem like the better person in all of this. But he’s not. He kidnapped you and held you prisoner for fourteen years!” Jeri screamed. I hadn’t heard her speak like that the entire time I’ve stayed with her. It was startling yet comforting at the same time. I found solace in the fact that we were so much alike.

  “He didn’t spin anything. He simply told me what happened that night and why he took me.”

  “They made one mistake. ONE! And because of that, he thought he was the judge, jury, and executioner? He thought he had the right to decide the rest of your life?” She began to tear up. I could feel myself turning soft for her, like I could almost feel her pain and suffering. I wasn’t going to back down, though.

  “It doesn’t matter how many mistakes they made,” I started with a calmer voice than before. I wanted to make sure I was heard and taken seriously. “What matters is, you lied to me. You made me feel like John was some horrible person. You didn’t know him. I did. And I’m telling you he wasn’t. He was a good man that took care of me. Yes, it was illegal what he did, but it doesn’t change the fact that he was good to me.”

  “By letting you engage in an unhealthy relationship with a boy that was supposed to be a brother figure to you?” she retorted. My calm voice wouldn’t last much longer if she kept that up.

  “My relationship with Billy didn’t start until after John was gone. And even then, it didn’t start until much later. Until then, he was my protector, not my brother. We did nothing wrong. And all of this you’re trying to do to keep me away from him isn’t working. We will still be together once the state deems I’m eighteen. You had your chance to tell me the truth, and you didn’t. So now your time is up.”

  I got up and stormed out of the room. I could hear Joanne talking to her behind me as I walked away, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. I pulled my phone out and called Link. I needed him to pick me up because I couldn’t stand to be around Jeri any longer.

  “So, what are you planning on doing?” Link asked as we sat in a booth at a nearby diner.

  “I don’t know. Something just doesn’t feel right, you know? Like what’s the big deal about them being drunk? Besides the obvious. But why hide it? Why would Jack go through all that trouble, jeopardize his job, just to cover it up? And why hide it from me?”

  Link looked out the window, deep in thought, before turning to me. “Maybe there’s more to hide? But listen, your grandparents are good people. I don’t think they would intentionally hide something from you.”

  “Please stop talking about him as if he were still alive. It’s kinda creepy. And stop referring to her as my grandmother, too. I don’t like that.”

  “I really liked Bob. He was a good guy. I hate thinking he’s gone. But I’m sorry; I know it’s not normal to talk about him like he’s still here, especially since you never knew him. But as for Jerilee? She is your grandmother whether you like it or not. You can either continue to fight it and be miserable until your time here is up or you can embrace it and enjoy what little family you have left.”

  I gave him a dirty look. He was supposed to be on my side. He was supposed to be my friend, and he wasn’t acting like it. Then again, I didn’t really know him very well. Maybe he wasn’t my friend at all. Maybe this whole thing was a setup by Jack and Jeri and he’s just an insider for them—running back and forth and telling them everything I say and do.

  But that couldn’t be true. If it were, Jeri wouldn’t have been so surprised when I confronted her about the accident. And I’m sure they would have said or done something after Link took me to see Billy. I was just being paranoid. A feeling I wasn’t very familiar with.

  “I’ll accept it once I can believe she’s truly looking out for my best interests. And I can’t do that until I know more about my parents.”

  He nodded in agreement. “Well, that shouldn’t be hard to do. This is a very small town. I’m sure there are people you can talk to that’ll tell you everything you need to know. You just have to start asking the questions.”

  “Does this town really know everyone’s business?” I asked.

  “Absolutely,” he answered with annoyance.

  “What do they know about you?” I wanted to know more about my friend.

  “Everything.”

  He wasn’t going to make this easy.

  He rolled his eyes and continued. “I got in a lot of trouble in school. Jack did me a favor and saved me the last time—kept me out of jail. I’ve been trying ever since to make smarter decisions, and I have a feeling you aren’t going to be one of those.”

  I smirked. He thought I was a bad decision. If only he knew.

  “What kind of trouble did you get into?”

  “Stupid teenage bullshit. Cutting class, fighting, causing scenes in public, sneaking into the movies without paying, drinking, smoking weed. Typical high school shit.”

  I didn’t really know what typical high school shit was. I didn’t know what typical anything was. My life was very a-typical. The more I heard about these things that kids did, the more I realized what I missed out on. It never bothered me before, but for some reason, it bothered me now. Even though I knew I was taken care of and loved, I couldn’t help but feel a little resentful for everything I didn’t get to do that the rest of the world did.

  “Why would you go to jail for that stuff?” I asked as he piqued my interest.

  “Jack told me if I didn’t stay away from those people, I would end up in jail, or worse.”

  “So he didn’t technically keep you out of jail. You’re giving him too much credit.”

  Link inhaled deeply before looking away. I could tell there was more to his story, and I wanted to hear it all. I wanted to know that side of him. I didn’t know why I needed it, but I did.

  “The guys asked me if I wanted to go to a party with them. I was all for it. They always knew of the best parties. They said we had to stop at a gas station to get some beer, which wasn’t abnormal. They were older than me so I stayed back in the car while they went inside. The next thing I knew, they were running out and we were being chased my cops.”

  “What happened?” I needed to know more. He couldn’t just stop there.

  “They thought it’d be a good idea to rob the place while they were inside. And they tried to take me down with them. If it hadn’t been for Jack, they would’ve succeeded. I told him what happened. That I was in the car the whole time; that I had no idea what they were doing in there. He didn’t believe me at first. Why would he? I had been in trouble so many times before, why would he suddenly think I was innocent? But he finally gave me the benefit of the doubt.

  “I could have very easily been in more trouble for that. I was in the car. I was with them. It’s called being guilty by association. And that is when I finally understood everything he had been trying to tell me before. Hanging out with those guys would get me in trouble. And if it weren’t for Jack, I would have been in even more trouble.”

  I almost couldn’
t believe what I was hearing. Link didn’t seem like the kind of guy to have been in that much trouble. He could’ve gone to jail. Not to mention, I couldn’t believe Jack actually did something nice. I didn’t think he had it in him.

  “Jack told me a story about a little girl he couldn’t save. And that by helping me, he felt like he was doing something.”

  That intrigued me. “What story was that?”

  “It was about a little girl that had been taken right out from under his nose. That he didn’t do what he needed to in order to protect her. And while he sat on the sidelines, waiting for the law to do what it needed to do, he lost her. He said he’s hated himself for all those years. For everything he wished he could’ve done but didn’t. And he had been convinced it was too late to ever get her back. And so he decided to try to save me instead. He said, ‘I chose to follow the letter of the law when it came to her, but I won’t make that mistake again.’ So, he didn’t charge me with what he should have and released me. Under the understanding that I’d stay away from people like that and turn my life around.”

  I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say. Hearing what Jack had said confused me even more. “Who was he talking about? Who was the little girl?”

  “I wasn’t sure. I thought maybe a sister or his daughter. It wasn’t until you came to town that I realized he must’ve been talking about you. I don’t know what it all meant. Why he blamed himself for your disappearance, but it had to have been you.”

  “How long ago was that?”

  “Beginning of summer last year.”

  “What have you done to turn your life around?”

  “I started helping Bob out around your house. He was getting older and couldn’t do it all anymore. I mowed the grass and helped fix stuff up when it needed it. I made new friends once school started again, and actually started focusing on my grades. When Bob died, I helped Jeri out as best I could around my school schedule. I’d go over there and keep her company—played cards with her and sometimes just watched TV with her. She loves Wheel of Fortune. I stopped showing up once you came back. I figured she needed to spend that time with you.”

  He was making me feel bad for how I’ve treated Jeri, and I hated that. I didn’t want to feel bad. I wanted to hold on to my anger. It would make leaving her easier in the end. If I felt bad, or built a relationship with her, I knew I wouldn’t be able to just walk away. And that’s what I wanted. To just walk away.

  It all was suddenly becoming more and more difficult.

  “So what is this? Are you really my friend or are you just trying to help your good ‘ole buddies Jeri and Jack out?”

  “What’s that supposed to mean, Kendall? Of course we’re friends.”

  “It just seems like every time I turn around, you’re trying to talk up Jeri to me. Making me feel like she’s a good person with nothing to hide and that I need to give her a chance. I don’t want to give her a chance. She doesn’t deserve it. What the hell has she done to deserve it?”

  I knew my voice was rising and others in the diner were starting to look, but I didn’t care. I was irritated and there was nothing that was going to stop it. I could feel it getting the best of me.

  “Can we talk about this somewhere else?” He was trying to quiet me. That pissed me off even more.

  “No. We can’t talk about this somewhere else. Everyone in here already knows who I am. They already know what happened to me and where I’ve been. They probably all either feel sorry for the poor little girl that was kidnapped or feel bad for the poor old woman that has to deal with the bitch of a granddaughter that came back. Well, guess what? I. Don’t. Care.”

  “You’re causing a scene,” he said in a hushed voice.

  “What about I don’t care don’t you understand?” I was yelling by that point.

  The waitress came over and gave Link the check. I knew this was because she didn’t want me to keep up the yelling. I was probably interrupting others from their excellent dining experience. But once again, I didn’t care.

  “We’ll leave when we’re ready to leave. You don’t have to give us subtle hints, ya know.”

  She looked at me but didn’t speak.

  “Here.” He handed her a twenty. “Keep the change.”

  “I’m not ready to leave yet,” I argued, staying seated in the booth as he stood.

  “Fine then, stay here. I’m leaving. I’m not dealing with this childish bullshit. I wanted a friend in you, not someone I’d have to babysit.” He walked away and left me sitting there.

  It made me think of Billy, and how he used to do the same when I became out of control.

  I got up and caught up with him outside. He was getting into his car. Was he really going to leave me there? How did he expect me to get home?

  “What the fuck, Link?” I yelled across the parking lot.

  He turned around, slammed the car door, and stalked toward me. I could tell he was angry and it suddenly made me afraid. I didn’t think he’d do anything to harm me, but it gave me the same feelings I had when Billy was mad. I didn’t want to piss him off; I didn’t want to make the vein pop out of his neck. And for some reason, I didn’t want to do that to Link either.

  “You tell me, Kendall.” He was yelling now, too, but this time, we were outside so I guess it didn’t matter much to him. “All I was doing was telling you about me. And somehow, you turn it into some conspiracy theory about me going behind your back and trying to make you feel things about others. Do you even hear how ridiculous that sounds? How absurd the whole thing is?”

  “I just don’t understand why you want me to give her a chance so badly.”

  “You really want to know what she’s done to deserve it?”

  I nodded without speaking. I already felt my anger start to fade as his was increasing.

  “She’s spent the last fourteen years devoted to finding you. Not only that, but she’s had to bury her daughter, her son-in-law, and her own husband along the way. She refused to move in case you ever came home. Even when Bob got too weak to take care of the house, she was outside taking care of the yard, fixing the flowerbeds, and trimming the bushes because she didn’t want to leave. When he died, everyone told her she needed to find a smaller house. One that would be easier for her to handle. But she kept telling them you weren’t eighteen yet and when you came home, you’d need a place to stay. Somewhere that wouldn’t be too small.

  “Every year on your birthday, she would bake a cake and light a candle. No one ever ate it, but she baked one anyway. Every year around the time of your disappearance, she’d put an ad out in the paper—not just our local paper, but in every paper within fifty miles of us. She volunteered to help out anytime there was a child that went missing in the area.

  “She has devoted her whole life to you, Kendall. That’s why she deserves it.”

  I felt the stinging behind my eyes. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want Link to see me like that. Once my lip started quivering, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop the flood from coming. I turned on my heels and started to walk away. I didn’t want him to see me cry. I didn’t want him knowing he had gotten to me like he had.

  I was only able to take two steps before I could feel my legs weaken. Only a few more steps and I would have been a crumpled mess on the concrete and I knew it. It had been so long since I last felt that way. Since I was fifteen and Billy had to come save me. I vowed I would never allow myself to feel that weak again, and yet there I was—weak.

  Before my body hit the pavement, I felt two strong arms wrap around me, keeping me from falling. I knew they weren’t Billy’s arms, but I shut my eyes tight and imagined they were anyway. It was the only way I’d allow myself to give in to the comfort of his embrace.

  I cried in his arms, silently sobbing to myself as he shushed me and told me everything would be okay. We sat in the parking lot, being watched by the people coming and going for what felt like a long time. I just needed to feel close to Billy again. I needed to keep my eye
s closed and imagine I was in his arms, much like I was all those years ago when my life turned upside down.

  I needed to talk to him. I had to call him. I just needed to hear Billy’s voice again. It had only been two days since I last heard the deep voice of the man I loved, and already I was lost without it.

  I checked the time and knew he’d just be coming home from work. It made me wonder what he did now that I was gone. I used to make us dinner, and we’d sit in front of the TV screen while we ate. He’d get cleaned up while I put the dishes away and then we’d sit on the patio with a beer and talk. That was our routine. I wondered who made his dinner now. Who he watched TV with. And who he talked about his day to. My heart ached at the possibility of him not being alone, but it hurt even more thinking of him being someone else.

  The number was already dialed on my phone, but I sat and stared at it for a while. I was scared he wouldn’t answer. But I knew I needed to go through with it. Otherwise, I would never know. And I needed him to talk me down.

  After Link had brought me back to Jeri’s house¸ I felt nothing. I wasn’t angry anymore. I wasn’t even upset anymore. I was more confused than ever before and that was a feeling I wasn’t used to. I just needed him to make me feel whole again.

  “Hello?” His gruff voice came through the earpiece after only two rings. I was finally able to breathe normally again.

  “Hey,” I said back, not really sure what else to say.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know. I’m so lost. I don’t think I can make it till December.”

  “Yes you can. Did you find anything out about the accident?”

  I sighed audibly. “Not really. I found out what John told me was true, but that’s about it. They were drunk when they crashed and it was all covered up. But I don’t know why and I don’t even know where to start looking. Who do I ask? What do I ask?”

  Billy waited a moment before answering, probably figuring out what to say. “I don’t have those answers for you. Why don’t you start with finding out who covered it up and go from there? I’m sure there are people who knew your parents that could tell you about them. I think that’s probably the best place to start. Other than that, I can’t help you. These are things you need to do on your own.”