by Leddy Harper
I studied him, waiting for him to continue.
“I did everything I could to not act on anything back then. And then one night, I was sitting on the couch in the dark and you came out of your room. You headed into the kitchen wearing only a long T-shirt and that did me in. I waited until you went back to your room and then jacked off repeatedly. It was the next night when I first had someone over to ease the ache.” He seemed as though speaking about us was painful, and I didn’t understand why.
He was the one that chose to give up on us. He had no right to be hurt while reminiscing about our past and how we were together. He almost looked as if it disgusted him and that angered me.
“That night you came in my room, I had no restraint left. I had to be with you. I wasn’t prepared for what that would lead to, though. I had no idea that it would leave me wanting you for the rest of my life. I wasn’t aware that one taste would never be enough. That it would leave me so in love with you that I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if you weren’t around.”
Why was he having such a hard time telling me this? He was breathing as if the words stole the air from his lungs and looking at me like he had never before. I was so used to his different personalities, but this was a new one. It seemed like he didn’t know how to talk to me. Like he didn’t know how to say these things to me. It confused me even further.
He took in a deep breath and continued, “So it has nothing to do with me not wanting a baby with you. Because I’ve wanted that ever since that time you had the stomach flu, a few months before you left. I never told you this, but part of me worried you might have been pregnant when you were throwing up for days. I was scared shitless the first day. But by the second day, I was secretly hoping you were. Because I’ve never wanted anything more than a family with you.”
“Then why would you tell me to abort it? Why would you say you wanted nothing to do with me?” I interrupted his heartfelt speech.
He sighed and leaned his forehead on mine. His fingers ran through my hair before he finally spoke again. “Because we can’t be together. And I’m already handling that pretty bad as it is, I can’t add in seeing you, and knowing we have a child together out there somewhere. A child who might have something wrong with it because of this mess my dad put us in.”
He only succeeded in confusing me more. “I’m not following.”
“Come with me. You need to see something.”
He grabbed my hand and pulled me behind him inside the house. I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back with a shoebox in his hands. He placed the box on the coffee table in front of me and walked away.
I opened the lid and found pictures and random pieces of paper. I picked up the first picture and gasped loudly, dropping the portrait to the floor. I picked up another one, and then another before moving on to the pieces of paper.
Each one was written in neat, feminine writing, all addressed to John. They were love letters filled with promises of futures and a family that they both deserved. Each one was signed, “With all the love I possess, Corinne.”
I stormed into the kitchen and found Billy leaning against the counter.
“My mother and your father were seeing each other and you never told me?”
“Did you look at the pictures?” His voice was soft and defeated.
I nodded.
“All of them?” He took me by the hand again and led me back to the box after I shook my head, telling him that no, I hadn’t looked at all of them.
One by one, he took the pictures out and placed them in front of me. The ones on top were of Corinne and John, taken at different ages, the earliest looking like my mom was in her teens. As more pictures came out, I noticed that I was in quite a few of them. I was young, the youngest looking like maybe I was two, possibly a little younger.
Finally, he started pulling out the ones from the bottom of the box. He placed one in my hand and I saw my mother in the hospital, holding a newborn baby. He flipped it over and on the back in Corinne’s handwriting was written, “Mommy and baby Danielle. Wherever life leads us, it’ll always be you. XO.”
The last picture he gave me was of Corinne and John. Again, he flipped it over and I read the inscription, “I will marry her,” this time, written in John’s chicken scratch with the date. The date was before I was born, meaning they had known each other prior to her having me. I looked up at Billy, who was staring at me, waiting for me to piece it together.
“Get it now?”
I shook my head; I didn’t want to get it.
“Kendall, I think there’s a good chance you might be my sister.”
With his words, I threw up. Vomit spilled from me onto the floor at my feet. It wouldn’t stop as I replayed Billy’s words over and over again in my head. I thought about the pictures and the letters and what it all meant. Things came flooding back to me. What Jack had said about Corinne seeing someone behind Doug’s back, about how it was someone from high school. The letter John left for me after he died, about how he found someone and was in love with her. I started questioning the circumstances of my parents’ death and my subsequent kidnapping.
What if Billy was right? What if John really was my father? That would make Billy my brother. The more I thought, the more I heaved. I didn’t think I could take it anymore. My eyes blurred and I felt lightheaded. I thought I might pass out if I didn’t get myself under control. I had to calm down and push those thoughts aside long enough to catch my breath.
Billy was in front of me, cleaning up me and my mess. Once the dry heaves were over with, he laid me back on the couch while he finished cleaning up. I felt cold and clammy. My heart raced so hard I thought it would burst through my chest wall. I thought it would break all the bones in my sternum and fall out right in front of me.
He was back at my side moments later. Well, it could have been moments, it also could have been hours; I was so lost in my own head I didn’t know which way was up anymore.
“This can’t be true. There has to be to some other explanation.” My voice was hoarse.
“I know. It’s only a possibility, but it seems to be a pretty big one.”
“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” I asked in desperation.
“And say what, Kendall? Oh hey, I think you might be my sister after all?”
I sat straight up, catching him off guard. “If John was really my father, then why would he hide me? Wouldn’t he just be able to have a DNA test done and prove the paternity? That way he would have rights and he wouldn’t have to hide me away.”
“Not if he kidnapped you. I’m sure there would still be some kind of punishment for that. Not to mention, I don’t think those kinds of things happen as quickly as they make it seem in the movies. I’m pretty sure you have to wait a while before the results are in, and maybe he didn’t want to leave you for that long. And if they detained him in the meantime, what would’ve happened to me? I was nine when you came to live with us. I kind of remember it. But I also think I have memories of you before then, too. I don’t really know though. I can’t decipher what’s real and what’s not anymore.”
“You remember me moving in? I thought you didn’t.”
“I remember my dad explaining that your mom left. And I remember a woman he used to bring around sometimes. But I didn’t see her very often, and I think I saw you even less because I only have like two memories of you and my dad with the woman. But it could also have not been you. I don’t even know anymore.”
“Why have you never told me this?”
“It wasn’t something I often thought about. I had long forgotten it until this came up,” he argued. “We were both under the same impression that your mom left you here with us. Why would I randomly tell you about some memory that is not only extremely vague, but may also not even be real?” He was getting defensive again, and I started to see how I may have been pushing him to his breaking point. I didn’t want to do that because I had been down that road before and didn’t need to revisit it.
“So, what do we do now?” I asked.
“Considering you’re having my kid, and it could be a product of incest, I would imagine we need to know the truth. I just don’t know how to do that. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”
“Couldn’t we just have our own blood tested?”
“And do what, Kendall? Go into a lab and tell them that we are having a baby and need to know if we’re related? I think we’d be safer just waiting for the baby to get here and see if it has a third leg or something.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. It certainly wasn’t a funny situation, but his interpretation of what could happen to the baby was rather comical. “That’s not how it works, Billy. If we are related, and that’s a strong if, we’d only be half-siblings, which means the baby probably wouldn’t have extra limbs. Not to mention, I’ve seen her in ultrasounds before; she has the appropriate amount of arms and legs. I’m sure there would have been some alarm bells ringing if that were the case.” I noticed he was no longer listening to me. His face had frozen in place. “Are you okay?”
“You said she. Is it a girl? Like, do you know that for sure?”
I didn’t mean to let that slip. Any time I thought about confronting him, I always kept the sex of the baby concealed, never wanting him to know what we were having. But it was too late to back down. “Yes, she’s a girl.”
He looked down at my stomach and I saw fresh tears spring to his eyes. My heart ached for him, especially after his confession in the driveway. I had wanted this at one point, but being there in that moment, I no longer wanted to break his heart. After watching it break in front of me right then, all I wanted to do was pick up the pieces and put it back together.
“Kendall,” he let out on an exhale.
“Please, stop calling me that. I’m not Kendall anymore.”
“I don’t know what else to call you.” He seemed so broken and defeated.
“Danielle. Call me Danielle.”
He shook his head. “I don’t think I can. I can barely call you Kendall, let alone a name I’ve never called you by.” I knew what he meant. He always called me baby, and hearing him call me anything else seemed odd.
“You don’t need to call me anything, really. I’m going to go back home to Link where I belong. We are going to raise this little girl together, like we’ve planned for the last three months, so there’s no reason for you to call me anything.” The words nearly got stuck in my throat. They tasted like acid on my tongue, but I knew they were right. I knew it was what I was supposed to say.
“What about the baby?”
“What about her? She will be raised in a family that loves her and wants her.”
“Don’t you want to know about us? If we’re…” He couldn’t finish his sentence.
“I’m sure we’ll find out one way or another.”
I got up off the couch and began to straighten my clothes and hair. I knew it was time to leave. I did what I subconsciously needed to do, and it was time for me to go back to Link, where I belonged.
Billy didn’t move from his perch on the coffee table as I made my way to the front door. I opened the door and took one last look behind me, to the man I would be leaving there forever. I had no intention of ever going back.
I turned back around to walk out but was halted in my tracks. There, on the front doorstep, stood Link. I had never seen a more daunting sight than him right then as he watched me step out of Billy’s house, looking disheveled from my position on the couch.
My heart became still in my chest as I stared deep into Link’s blue eyes. I tried to read his expression, but I couldn’t seem to focus enough to understand it. His eyes looked sad, but his fisted hands screamed rage. I watched as his chest heaved up and down at a rapid pace, and I knew that at the core of his feelings was pure hurt. That got to me the most.
“Link.” His name came out on a whisper of air as the last bit of oxygen left my lungs. “What are you doing here?”
“Funny, I was about to ask you the same thing,” he said through clenched teeth.
“I just… it’s… I—” I stuttered. I didn’t know what I was doing there so I couldn’t give him a straight answer. I watched his eyebrows come together in the middle as I stumbled through my words, breaking his heart with every failed attempt at an answer.
“That’s what I thought. You might want to run a brush through your hair.”
I knew my hair was probably a mess from laying on the couch, but to him, it looked more sinister than it was. “Link, it’s not what it looks like.”
I felt a looming presence behind me. I didn’t have to turn around to know Billy was there. Even if I hadn’t felt him, Link’s gaze would have given it away. His eyes went dark as he looked over my shoulder.
“Not what it looks like? You look exactly like you did the last time I watched you walk out of this house. I can’t believe you, Danielle—or are you back to Kendall again? Do you even know who you are? Do you even know what you want?” He spun around on his heels.
“Lincoln!” I yelled to make him stop.
He did and turned back to face me, this time I didn’t see anything but anger on his face. “Don’t! Don’t lie to me. Don’t stand here and tell me that he didn’t just get done fucking you. Was it a one last time for the road fuck? Were you just gonna come back home and continue to play house with me? Tell me you love me with his come still inside you?” He paused his yelling for a moment and I could see something register across his face. “Were you planning on sleeping with me after letting that prick fuck you?”
“Say that to my face, fucker!” Billy was out the door and in front of Link before I could stop him. He was slightly shorter than Link but was built broader.
Lincoln squared his shoulders at Billy, sizing him up. “You think I’m scared of you? You think I’m going to cower down? You’re the fucking coward. You’re the one that gave up on your own child. Gave up on the girl that obviously never gave up on you. But instead of letting her go and allowing her to have a chance at a real life, you have to go and stick it in her again, don’t you? Well congratulations, asshole, you won. She’s all yours,” Link screamed and the sound alone broke my heart, as well as him giving up on me.
I didn’t know who would have won in a fight between the two, but I wasn’t about to stand around and find out. I moved to get in the middle of them, but was immediately pushed out of the way by Billy’s large hand. I flew backward, catching myself before falling to the ground.
“Really? This is what you want? You want someone to push you around and treat you like shit? You want someone like that? Is that why we would never work out? I guess it’s a good thing I found this out before the baby came.” He turned around and started walking back to his car.
“Billy, go inside,” I told him with a tone of authority that I hadn’t used in a long time.
“So this is the guy you’re with? The one that you plan on raising my kid with?”
“Billy,” I warned.
He must have sensed that I wasn’t backing down because he turned and walked back inside, closing the door behind him. I waited until I heard it click before going after Link.
“Lincoln, wait. It really isn’t what it looks like,” I pleaded.
He stopped by his car door, and the look on his face broke everything in me. He was still angry, but the hurt and sadness were quickly taking over, leaving him looking lost and on the verge of tears.
“Three days after you turn eighteen, two days after you get your license, and one day after Jeri buys you a car. That’s how long it took you to make it back here. I knew this would happen. I knew it, but I prayed it wouldn’t. I guess I’m surprised you waited this long. You got your car before lunch yesterday; I’m just surprised you weren’t here before dinner time last night. You tell me how it’s not what it looks like. Because to me, it looks like you’ve had this all planned out from day one. It looks to me like you’ve played me and your family for the fools that we clearly are.”
He made a valid point. I did find myself at Billy’s door the day after I got my car. But how was I supposed to explain to him why I was there when I didn’t have that answer for myself? “That’s not how it was—how it is.”
Link laughed sarcastically at my slip-up.
“I was on my way out the door to come home… to you. I swear.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” he cried.
I could hear the devastation in his voice. Even if I couldn’t see it all over his face, his voice gave him away. It tore me apart to see what I had done to him. I began to hate myself for that, and for not being able to find the right words to make him understand.
“I don’t even know you anymore,” he continued. “No, I never knew you. I guess I was just a sucker, huh? You played the victim so well. You had me, Jeri, and my parents believing everything that ever came out of your mouth. I should have just let you leave the last time you tried to go back to him. It sure as hell would’ve saved me from this pain now.”
“You do know me. You’re the only one that knows me.”
“Am I really? I believed you, Danielle! I believed you when you said you loved me. I thought you really meant it. But you didn’t. It was just all part of the game. You played me and you know it. You told me from the very beginning that you’d come back here after your birthday, but I believed you when you said you had a change of heart and wanted to stay with me. I fucking believed you! And now, here I am, the one looking like an idiot for doing so.”
He started to get into his car, so I hurried to mine as fast as my round belly would let me.
“Don’t bother coming back. When I get home, I’m going to tell them all the truth. I’m done lying for you. I’ll tell them about the baby, and about what you’ve done. This way, you can stay here, where you clearly want to be.”
“I want to be with you!” I wailed as tears ran down my cheeks.