by Leddy Harper
He bent back down, holding himself up with his arms beside my head, and began to kiss my neck. He knew the right spots to make me melt. He knew the right everything to do to me. Even the times when I’d beg him for harder and faster and rougher, yet he didn’t give it to me, it was because he knew that I needed something different. And he never disappointed.
Before his lips made their way to mine, I was already aching for him. I was already grabbing at his jeans and fumbling with the button because I couldn’t hold out any longer. I had to have him inside of me. I needed to feel him in me. Because I had to have that one last chance to let him know my feelings. I had to show him one more time how much I loved him and remind him of how much he loved me.
He pulled away for only a moment and took off his jeans and then was back over me. After a few heavy kisses, he moved to his side next to me and pulled my leg over his. With one hand on my stomach and the other curled around my neck, he entered me and I couldn’t remember anything else that had ever felt so right.
As he slowly moved in and out of me, working up the flaming ball in my lower gut, he kept his hand lovingly pressed to my stomach, gently moving his thumb over the stretched skin. His lips left a trail from my arm up to my neck before he pulled away and gave some attention to my aching nipple. The growing pleasure became more intense when his thrusting sped up. Link usually let it grow for as long as he could before bringing me to my orgasm. I loved it that way. I loved how he knew the exact way to make sure that my finale was bigger than the fireworks on Fourth of July. He didn’t often give me multiple orgasms, he’d give me one star-seeing, limb-numbing, body-tingling, life-changing orgasm. It would leave me breathless and lifeless for hours.
But not that time. The ball of fire barely grew before his hand moved to my throbbing clit. He circled it with his fingers gently for a second before applying more pressure to the sensitive nub. His thrusts picked up speed and his breathing on my skin grew hotter. Before my brain could register what was going on, my skin prickled in a light coating of sweat as gooseflesh covered my body. Link gripped my leg with one hand and pulled me closer with the arm that had never left my neck. He pumped in one more time before releasing his animalistic growl and then shot his warmth deep within me.
My eyes closed, knowing what would come next. I didn’t know from experience, since he would always hold me and tell me how much he loved me. I knew what would happen because it was what I had feared ever since letting him into my heart. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself it wouldn’t happen, I always knew in the back of my mind that it would.
Link pulled himself from me. I heard him gather his clothes and then walk off, closing a door behind him. Then there was silence. Nothing but deafening silence throughout the house.
I couldn’t move. I just turned onto my side and curled up into a ball around my unborn child. I let the tears flow, knowing that it was only me that could see it. No one was there for me. No one would ever be there for me because I made it that way. I pushed people away. I chased after the ones that didn’t want to be in my corner, and closed off the ones that did. I had no one to blame but myself. And I wasn’t going to deny it. It was high time for me to take responsibility for everything.
But that didn’t mean I was going to give up. I would allow myself that one moment of pain, and then get up and forge ahead. I had no other options. It was what I had to do. I cried in a broken ball on the floor as I felt Link leave my body, reminding me of his departure from my life. I laid there and wept for everything I could have had, and everything I gave up. In that broken moment, I found my courage. I felt it deep within me, starting with the rolling sensation in my abdomen and followed by the steady jolts of my daughter’s in-utero hiccups. She was reminding me that it wasn’t over. That I had more to fight for, more to live for. And that I wasn’t alone. I’d never be alone again.
I got up and put my clothes on. I glanced down the hall and noticed our bedroom door was still open. After Link had walked away, I heard it close, but never heard it open again. I pulled my shirt over my head, holding my bra in my hands. Then, I quickly pulled my pants on, not bothering with my underwear. My need for finding Link outweighed my need for undergarments. The only thought running through my mind was Lincoln. It was the only thing that mattered at the time.
As I got closer to the bedroom, I noticed the baby’s room door was closed. In all the time we had lived there, the door was never closed. My heart started racing, thinking of Link in there alone. I wanted to go to him, but I was scared of what he’d say. I was terrified of what’d he do.
I had felt that fear so many times. And it had held me back so many times. I was done with fear. Fear would no longer rule my decisions. It would no longer keep me from being the strong person I knew I was. Link was on the other side of that door. The love of my life was alone and hurting in that room. Fear could go to hell.
I opened the door, peering inside and finding him against the wall on the floor with his head in his hands. He didn’t once look up at me. Instead, he just sat there as I watched his shoulders bounce up and down. I knew what he was doing. He was mourning the loss of us. He was sitting in our baby’s room crying over the loss of his family.
I sat in the glider and waited until he spoke. It felt like hours, but it was probably only ten minutes. They were the longest ten minutes of my life.
“Let’s go get your mother’s blood type.”
“You want to go with me?”
“I want to get this over with. You shouldn’t do it alone.”
I wanted to go to him. I wanted to wrap him in my arms and never let go. But I knew what he was doing. He was doing what he’s always done. Be my friend, my supporter, my shoulder to lean on. I knew it didn’t mean he’d always be there, which was what I wanted, but at least he wasn’t leaving me to handle it alone. I would take what I could get.
Just before we left the house, I received a message from Billy, letting me know John’s blood type. It was followed with him telling me he wanted to know what I found the second I found it. And it ended with, I hope it’s in our favor. I love you, Billy.
Link read it over my shoulder and I could feel his heart breaking inside my own chest.
“I don’t understand why you just don’t ask Jeri for it,” Link said as he locked the front door.
“And say what when she asks why?”
“You’re so good at lying, come up with something.”
Those words cut me so deep, but I knew I deserved them. I deserved it all.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. What I meant to say was, you’re having a baby; don’t you need family medical history? Can’t you just say it’s because the hospital is asking?”
“I hadn’t thought about that. Seems you’re clearly the better liar,” I tried to joke.
He looked at me with a straight face, but his eyes were smiling. I could tell he wanted to laugh but held back. I knew then that I would eventually win him over. It wouldn’t be easy and it wouldn’t happen overnight, but I knew I would get him back. And I would never give up.
We made it to Jeri’s house just as she was pulling in with Jack. A night in the hospital wasn’t kind to her. She looked older than she had the day before when I talked to her and tried to confess to something she already knew. It still baffled me that she had known the entire time and never let on. I never did give her much credit. I would change that. I was going to change a lot of things. After this one last lie about why I needed Corinne’s information, I would be done lying to her. I would be done lying to everyone.
Jack had gotten her upstairs and into her room before he left. I felt relieved once he was gone. I knew if I had to ask in front of him, he wouldn’t have let it go so easily. He had his moments with me, but he was still a very hard person to read at times. I wanted to see the softer side of him that I had heard Shannon speak of, but I guess I hadn’t exactly made things easier for him either. That was another thing that would change once this was
all over with. I vowed to make him love me like he had when I was little. I heard the stories about how I was the light in his life, and I wanted to be that again. Maybe he’d find that light with my daughter. Maybe she was sent to me to keep me where I belonged—home.
I should have known Jeri wouldn’t have questioned why I needed it. All she did was tell me where in her files to find it. I didn’t need to take it with me, all I needed to know was what type she was. My heart pounded in my chest the entire way to the filing cabinet in her den. It completely stopped beating as I opened the drawer. My brain seemed to have lost oxygen as I pulled out the death certificate because I felt as though I would pass out. I read it out loud, thinking if I repeated it several times I wouldn’t forget. It was O. I couldn’t have forgotten that if my life depended on it. My life kind of did depend on it. Depending on what the chart said, my life could very well not turn out as I hoped it would. I knew no matter how hard I fought, if John did end up being my father, Link would never get over it. The sickened look on his face when I told him convinced me of that.
“Is there anything you need before we head out?” I asked my grandmother.
Grandmother. Six months before, that word angered me. Now it sent a fluttering of hope and peace through me. I knew by that point fear was the only thing stopping me from saying it to her face. But just like the closed door the day before, I knew it would only be a matter of time before I conquered it.
She shook her head no, telling us she just wanted to get some rest. She joked about the nurses keeping her up all night checking her vitals and all she wanted was peace and quiet in her own bed. I couldn’t disagree more. I was only away from home for one night, but my body missed my own bed like it had been years. Link slept on the couch, so I didn’t have the greatest night of sleep, but it was better than the night before at Billy’s house.
Link and I practically ran back to the house. I was anxious to get back and find the results. I knew once I had the answers I would no longer have Link’s support, but I also knew I wouldn’t stop fighting. Link, on the other hand, seemed apprehensive to get the answers. I wished I could’ve crawled into his head and listened to his thoughts. I wanted to know where his mind was at and what he was thinking. He was scared, I could tell. I just wanted to know what he was worried about so I could make it better for him. The only thing I wanted to do was comfort him.
He opened the door and allowed me through first. I could sense the hesitation in his every move. I hated it. I hated that I did that to him. I made him feel that way, and see me the way he was. The only thing I could do was change it, and make him see me the way he used to.
I ran for the computer and pulled up the chart I had found the morning before. I found the mother’s blood type “O” and followed it over to my blood type, “B.” The box where they met had two letters, and I became lightheaded at what I found.
“What does it say?” Link asked with a soft voice, full of panic.
I turned and looked at him, seeing the terror in his blue eyes. It ate at me. Froze me to my core. “John’s not my father.”
He let out a long, exhausted sigh. His eyes met the floor and his shoulders sagged as if the weight of a hundred men had just been removed. I wanted to go to him. I wanted to hold him and let him know that I was there for him as much as he had been there for me over the last five months. But I couldn’t. He was so closed off in his stance that it kept me seated on the couch and I couldn’t move.
“Are you gonna tell Billy?” he asked as he finally met my eyes with his. The blue had turned so dark I almost couldn’t tell the irises from the pupils.
I nodded, not trusting my voice to answer for me.
He raised his eyes to the ceiling and shook his head.
“I have to, Link. He deserves to know.”
“You saw what he sent you in his message. He’s not going to let you go.”
“Do you want him to let me go?” I was goading him into admitting that he still wanted me. That he didn’t want me to be with Billy. I knew he wanted me for himself, but I needed for him to say it. For him to admit it to himself.
“I want you to make up your own mind. I don’t want you to be with me because I want to be with you. I don’t want you to choose him because it’s all you’ve known or because you’re having his baby or because he won’t leave you alone. I want you to live for yourself and make your own decisions.”
“I am making my own decisions!” My anger got the best of me. I couldn’t hold it back. I had been holding it back since finding myself at Billy’s front door two days earlier. I didn’t want to bite my tongue any longer. “I’ve made my decision, but you don’t believe me. I want to be with you, but you keep pushing me away. I don’t want him, I want you. But he still has a right to know. Regardless of what he plans on doing with that information, he has a right. And I refuse to do what my family has done and keep secrets. If I’ve learned one thing, it’s that I need to be honest with everyone around me.”
“You should start being honest with yourself first.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I was there. I saw how you looked at him when you were telling him to go inside. Stop telling yourself you want to be with me when it’s obvious you don’t. Here’s your out. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings or breaking my heart. Go be with him. It’s what you want.”
And with that, he walked out. The back door slid closed with ease and I knew exactly where he was going. I wanted to follow him out there and tell him just how wrong he was. But I knew my words weren’t going to mean anything to him. Just like before, I would have to prove to him. I would never stop until I proved beyond any doubt that I had made my choice. I chose him long before I ever admitted it to myself.
It had been three days and I hadn’t heard a word from Billy. I send him a message that only said, “no match,” but never heard back. Link stayed at his parents’ house and allowed me to sleep in our bed. He had moved most of his things out and left me with everything. I hated it. I hated the silence around me, the silence from him, and the empty spot next to me when I slept.
I had tried so many times to get him to talk to me, but he wouldn’t. He’d barely even look at me when I’d try. I still wouldn’t give up. I couldn’t give up. I knew I loved him, but I had also hurt him and he needed time to process it.
It was just after lunch when I heard a knock on the door. My heart wanted it to be Link, but my brain knew better. I could feel the pull from behind the door and knew exactly who it was. The hairs on my arms stood up and I felt a stabbing pain in my nerves in my lower back as I turned the doorknob.
“How did you find me?” I asked as I stared into his golden brown eyes.
“Your boyfriend told me you were here.” He welcomed himself in. I didn’t want him to come inside, but he didn’t wait for me to offer or close the door in his face. He seemed different. Like he was on a mission.
I knew what mission he was on and it only frightened me even more.
“That baby is mine,” he said, pointing to my stomach. “And if you think I’m just going to walk away and let some other guy raise her, then you’re dead wrong. I told you what I wanted. You told me about the results, yet you never came back. If you think for one second that I was just going to let you walk away, think again.”
“Billy,” I began as I backed up, but found myself against a wall with nowhere to go. “I already told you. I don’t want to be with you anymore. I have made up my mind. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
He stalked toward me, anger flared in his eyes and made them an almost burnt orange color. I had seen it before, and it set my nerve endings on fire. I wanted to run, but knew the basketball in my stomach wouldn’t let me. I tried to move to the side, but he matched me step for step.
“You can’t just take her away from me. I’m her father.”
“You gave up that right when you told me you didn’t want anything to do with me or our baby. You can’t come to me now
and say differently.”
“I told you why I did that.”
“Take some fucking responsibility, Billy! You could’ve told me the truth. You had the opportunity then to tell me why. But you didn’t. Don’t put this on me. Only you are responsible for your own actions. Had I listened to you and aborted her, you wouldn’t have her. So what’s the difference now?” My voice was elevated as he grew closer and closer.
He finally met up with me and placed his arms on the wall on each side of my head, caging me in. I didn’t like it. Between the fire in his eyes and the flaring of his nostrils, I knew nothing good would have come out of it.
“I fucking love you, baby,” he said on an exhale that I felt across my face. “I’m so glad you didn’t listen to me. I would have never forgiven myself. I’m stupid. We both know this. But we also know that I love you and you love me. We can make this work. You don’t want him. He doesn’t want you, so just come home to me. Be with me.” He leaned his head down and pressed light kisses on my neck.
That used to do something to me. It still did. Only this time I didn’t get the urge to rip his clothes off. It gave me the urge to rip his head off. I didn’t want him touching me. I only wanted Link to do that. Forever.
“She’s my child, you know you can’t keep me from her.” He must have felt me tense up; he moved to his threatening voice.
It had never bothered me before. I used to give it right back. But I wasn’t that girl anymore. I learned I had a voice and to use it when needed. But I didn’t need the fists or the slaps or throwing random objects. I had learned control. And I was utilizing that skill to keep me and my daughter safe.