Home No More

by Leddy Harper

  “If that’s the way you want it, then okay. You can pay child support and we can work out an arrangement for visitation. But if you think you’re going to use her to get me back, it’s not going to work. So think about it now, Billy. If you want to be a part of her life and spend eighteen years paying me every single week and spend a couple weekends a month with her, then okay. But if you think you’re going to win me over eventually, and when it doesn’t happen you’ll just sign over all your rights, you have another thing coming. You can claim her, but you’ll never claim me.”

  He slammed his fist into the wall next to my head. Drywall crumbled onto my shoulder and it felt like my composure, crumbling around me. I was strong like the foundation beneath me, but my fearless attitude toward him began to break, piece by piece.

  “Get the fuck away from her!” It came from nowhere and everywhere at once. His voice, so strong and full of heated rage, wrapped me up like a blanket and comforted me in its protection. I had no idea where Link had come from, but just like I seemed to have always known, he was my saving grace. Protecting me from harm everywhere I went.

  I closed my eyes, expecting to hear fists meet bones, but I didn’t. I slid down the wall, scared of the eerie silence around me. Billy was no longer in front of me; I could feel his absence. It didn’t take long before I could feel a warmth near my feet. It was a comforting warmth and I knew without a doubt it was Link.

  “You really think you can raise a child? You can barely hold in your anger around its mother, while she’s carrying it. She was generous enough to allow visitation rights, and yet you smash holes in my wall.”

  “It’s my child, not yours,” Billy said through gritted teeth. I could tell that he had moved across the room from how far his voice sounded.

  I still couldn’t open my eyes. I just sat in my crouched position on the floor with my back against the wall, finding comfort in Link’s presence. I could tell by his voice that he was angry, but I also knew that he was holding back. I just covered my face with my hands and tried to breathe.

  “Your child?” Link began to yell. “Where were you during the doctor’s appointments? Where were you when Danielle was sick and throwing up? You haven’t done one thing for her or the baby, so don’t you dare come here and think you’re gonna take over all of a sudden. She doesn’t want you. Take the fucking hint.”

  “Yes, my child.” It was about to get bad.

  I opened my eyes once I heard Billy move. I watched as both men met in the middle of the room. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want them fighting because I knew one of them would get hurt. I would have never forgiven myself if Link got hurt. And no matter how I felt toward Billy, I didn’t want to see him physically hurt either. I wanted to stand and get between them, but a cramp in my side kept me where I was.

  “Abby is my daughter. She’s been mine ever since you turned your back on her and Danielle. Ever since you told Danielle to kill her. I was there. I took the responsibility. I gave them both a home and did everything you should have. I’m her father, now and forever. It’ll never be you. Danielle has made up her mind. She doesn’t want you. As of right now you’re looking at a possibility of having supervised weekend visits, but let me tell you this. My patience is running thin with you, and don’t doubt for one minute that I’ll fight you to the end with this. I’ll make sure you get nothing. You’ll never see Abby; I’ll make sure of it.”

  My heart swelled with Link’s words. I wanted to go to him and hug him, wrap myself up in him and kiss his lips. I wanted to tell him how much as I loved him and never let him go. But just as I began to help myself up, everything began to happen in slow motion.

  Billy pulled his arm back and swung, hitting Link in his jaw and sending him flying backward. He managed to catch himself on the wall I was leaning against, holding himself up to keep from falling on me. He looked down and I saw the fear and anger mixed in his eyes. I’m sure he could see the same in mine. I just hoped he could also see the love for him that I tried to convey as I stared back. Time stood still as he held himself by his forearms on the wall and looked down into my wide eyes.

  Link finally pushed himself back and spun around. I couldn’t see his face anymore, but I knew that the look he was giving Billy was a threatening one. I could hear it in his voice when he spoke. I could see it in his muscles as he stood there.

  “You almost knocked me right into a pregnant woman. Not just any pregnant woman, but the one you supposedly love. The one that’s carrying the baby you say you want to take care of. Is this the kind of life Abby and Danielle have to look forward to? Think about it, man. Think long and hard.”

  I could only see Billy’s expression from where I was. He looked distraught and worried. He ran his hands over his face before looking at me. His eyes said everything. They expressed his apologies and surrender. I think it was the first time he actually saw the consequences to his actions. I knew that feeling. I felt the same way when I watched Link drive off after catching me at Billy’s house not too long before that moment.

  Without a word, Billy turned and walked out. I realized then that the front door had been open the entire time. Link had to have heard every word I said prior to coming to my rescue. I just hoped he believed me when I said them that time. I hoped it was enough for him to know I had been telling him the truth the entire time when I said I had already chosen him.

  Link waited until Billy was gone before kneeling down in front of me. He reached out and touched my face. I heard a long, exasperated sigh leave his lips as he touched his forehead to mine.

  “Abby, huh?” I asked, wondering about the name he apparently already chose for our daughter.

  He leaned back and smiled. “It was the moment I fell in love with you. When you said the name Abby Hunt, I knew I would never love another person as much as I love you.”

  “Just Abby, though, right? Not Abilonia?” I laughed, thinking about the name we had talked about so many months before. I remembered that moment so clearly, it, too, was when I knew my life would have never been the same again, nor did I want it to be.

  Link laughed, too, shaking his head. “Just Abby.”

  I spoke the moment I looked into his eyes. The words just came out without any thought. “She won’t have your eyes. I didn’t realize that until just now. I wished she’d have your eyes, but she won’t.”

  “No, she won’t. I hope she has your eyes. I love your celery stick eyes.”

  That made me laugh. He always compared my green eyes to celery, even though he hated eating it. It was those little things that made me fall in love with him all over again. One minute, I would think I loved him so much there couldn’t possibly be any way I could love him more, and then without expecting it, he’d do something and I learned that yes, there was certainly a way to love him more.

  “What if she has brown eyes?” I asked.

  “Then she’ll be my brown eyed girl.”

  I felt a tear escape and roll down my cheek.

  “If you want a baby with my eyes, then we’ll just have to keep on trying until we get one.” He smiled and pressed his lips to mine. “How many questions do I have left to ask you?”

  “Unlimited.”

  “I only need two.”

  I nodded and waited anxiously to hear them.

  “Do you love me?” he asked, staring right at me.

  I smiled and answered the same way I did the last time he asked me that question. I didn’t hesitate or even think about it, I didn’t need to. “With my whole heart and then some. Without a doubt, yes, Lincoln Hunt, I love you.”

  His smile lit up his face before asking me his next question. “Will you be my always?”

  “Of course.”

  “No, I mean, will you be my forever? Will you be my every morning, my every night. My every dream and my everything? Will you marry me, Danielle Tucker? Will you be my always?”

  The lone tear on my chin was met with a flood. I couldn’t hold back the endless stream of tears that es
caped at that moment or the quivering of my lips as I tried to smile and answer him. All I could manage was a nod before throwing myself at him and wrapping my arms tightly around his neck.

  “What changed your mind?” I barely asked in his neck as he held me.

  “Nothing changed my mind. I’ve felt this way from the first time I met you. I just had to make sure you weren’t gonna change yours.” He pulled back and held my face in his hands. “I just needed to know you were mine.”

  I kissed him with everything I had. I was his. Abby was his. And he was ours.

  “Just breathe.”

  I had no idea why Link kept telling me that. Air was entering my lungs through clenched teeth and being released through pursed lips. I was pretty sure that fell into the breathing category.

  “In and out, baby. Just keep breathing,” he said again.

  I finally looked him in the eyes. “I am fucking breathing!” My voice came out sounding like a tortured demon. It was deep and strained and sounded nothing like me. Had I not been preoccupied with an intense pain running through my entire body, it would have scared me.

  He held on to the sides of my head, weaving his fingers through my hair and making me look right at him. My hands latched on to his forearms as I focused on his sapphire eyes. I wasn’t sure how, but he still managed to smile even though I hadn’t said very many nice things to him over the past nine hours.

  “Just focus on me. You’re doing great. I’m so proud of you.”

  I wanted to smile at him. I wanted to kiss him or at least put my arms around him. But I couldn’t do anything but stare into his eyes and breathe while another wave of pain washed through me.

  “Okay, it’s time. We’re going to push with the next contraction. Are you ready, Danielle?” the doctor said from between my legs.

  The bed had been broken down, but I didn’t remember that happening. I barely remembered Link taking one of my legs in his arms, the nurse took the other one. I didn’t remember that at all. A light came from nowhere and was shining straight at my vagina.

  Vagina. That’s all it was at that point. No longer was it a place that gave me pleasure. It wasn’t sexy anymore, and it sure as hell wasn’t even pretty anymore. In the course of nine hours, I had more people poke, prod, and look at it than I had ever in my life. I would have been embarrassed, but by that point, I didn’t much care. I just wanted the pain to stop.

  “When you’re ready, bear down like you’re having a bowel movement. You’ll push for a count of ten and then rest. Are you ready?” The doctor was then seated with her face in my crotch. Again, it should have bothered me, but it didn’t. The intense pain ripped through me and made me forget all about her mention of taking a shit and I pushed.

  Everyone in the room began to count. “One… two… three.”

  My baby was coming. Abby would be there soon. I was excited, but I was also terrified. Would I be a good mother? Would I be able to take care of her? What if I did something wrong? All of those thoughts took over my brain and made me feel inadequate. Link knew my fears, and he assured me that I would be fine. I wouldn’t hurt her and I’d be the best mother any kid could ever ask for. My panic had grown to immeasurable proportions in the month leading up to her birth. He stayed patient though, and never showed the slightest irritation at my obsessive worry.

  “Four… five… six.” The counting continued.

  I had looked forward to her birth for many reasons. Finally having her in my arms was the obvious one. But there were more. Link and I decided to wait until after she was born to get married. We wanted her to be there as we promised ourselves to each other for all of eternity. She was, after all, the reason we had an eternity together to even promise.

  I was also going to be starting online classes that summer. Link and I had figured out a good system to where we could both do school and parent without it being too much for one person. I knew it would be harder on him since he was working, so I decided that I’d get a job in the fall to help out. He didn’t like that, but knew it was something I not only wanted to do for myself, but what I needed to do. We compromised on a part-time job with no more than fifteen hours a week.

  “Seven… eight.”

  But along with the excitement of bringing Abby into the world, there was also intense fear. I had only heard from Billy once since he left our house that day. It was in a message on Facebook. He said he’d let us go, but only if he got to see her one time after she was born. It ripped my heart out to read his words, knowing what it took for him to put them out there. He was a proud man, and not one to back down easily. I replied and told him I’d contact him after she was born, and he could see her at the hospital. If he couldn’t make it before we went home, he’d lose out on that chance. I didn’t want to say that, but Link insisted I set some rules. I knew he was right, but it didn’t make it any easier.

  “Nine… ten. And relax.”

  I fell back in the bed, breathing heavily after pushing for ten long seconds, which felt like ten long years. They told me to catch my breath and get ready to push again with the next contraction. I didn’t know how I’d possibly catch my breath with my contractions coming every two seconds and lasting for a minute. I was sure that wasn’t accurate, but it was how it felt. Time changed during labor. A second wasn’t really a second, and a minute felt more like an hour.

  The next contraction hit and I was back to pushing and they were back to counting. I noticed Link looking down to the wide open space between my legs, which wasn’t hidden by any means. Anyone that came through that door could see me spread eagle, along with everyone in the hallway. There was a curtain pulled in front of the door, but I was convinced everyone at that hospital saw my bits that day.

  “Stop looking there, Link! You’ll never want to touch me again if you see that.”

  He laughed at me, telling me that would never happen. If I had more time before the next push, I would have been mad. But the pushing started again and so did the counting. That happened two more times before I heard the weak cries of a newborn baby.

  She was placed on my chest and the rest of the room disappeared. Her weak cries grew stronger and stronger, but once Link started talking to her, she turned her head to listen. It warmed my heart knowing she recognized the voice of her daddy.

  Her eyes opened big, searching for the baritone voice amongst all the other chatter in the room. She finally stilled when he sat next to me and began to touch her head as he talked. She was messy, but I didn’t care. I never wanted to let her go, not even for a bath. I just wanted to sit there and hold her and watch her listen to Lincoln for the rest of my life.

  The doctor finished cleaning me up and they put the bed back together without me ever realizing it. I hadn’t paid anyone a single bit of attention while Abby was in my arms. But then they came to take her from me. They weighed and measured her and bathed her while Link never left her side. I could tell in his eyes he didn’t know if he should stay with me or be with her, but I assured him that I wanted him to be with Abby. So he was.

  Neither Link nor I got any sleep that night. Grandma Jeri had been in the room until they kicked her out at almost ten. And yes, I called her Grandma Jeri. Jack had even shown up for a couple hours, holding Abby and cooing to her as he rocked in the rocking chair. It was a different side of him I never thought I’d see. I was sure I even saw his eyes gloss over like he was holding in tears, but I’m sure he’d never admit to that. Shannon stopped by, too. I was very thankful to have met her, and she seemed just as happy to have me in her life as well. I was pretty sure she and Uncle Jack were seeing a lot more of each other than they let on, but I was happy for them either way.

  Abby slept most of the time, unless she was hungry. Every time she woke up, Link got up, too. He helped me feed, burp, and change her. I told him to get some rest but he assured me he wouldn’t be able to. I loved him for that and so many other reasons.

  I had stayed up most of the night watching Abby and thinking. She made a fac
e in her sleep and it made me wonder. It reminded me so much of Link, but how? She certainly hadn’t been alive long enough to learn mannerisms from him. Nature versus nurture. I’d never stop questioning it. It made me wonder how many mannerisms I had picked up from John and never knew it. If someone had seen us together, could I have passed for his daughter if I had acted enough like him? If nurture had played a big enough part, could he have taken me out and people would have believed me to be his?

  Do people see what they want to see? Will they look at Abby when she’s out with Link and question if he really was the father? I didn’t look anything like my father, but that didn’t mean his blood wasn’t coursing through my veins. It just proved to me even more that blood didn’t mean shit when it came to family. Link was her daddy, regardless of whose blood was inside of her. I finally fell asleep with that thought.

  I woke the next morning when Link was getting dressed. “Where are you going?” I asked.

  His facial expression was solemn and it made my heart still in my chest. “I messaged Billy this morning, letting him know that Abby was born. He’ll be here in about thirty minutes.”

  Fear and panic invaded my mind and my breathing had turned rapid and short.

  “Danielle, this is something we have to do. We told him we would let him know and that he could see her this one time. I think it would be best if the three of you did this alone. I will be just right outside in the hallway if you need me. But he’s going to be walking away from his child after this and I don’t think I should be in here when that happens.”

  I nodded, knowing he was right but not liking it. We sat together in silence with Abby while we waited. I worried the entire time. I was scared Link would change his mind. I was terrified Billy would change his. I just wanted to get it done and over with so I could move on and just live in the happiness of my new family.

  A knock on the door interrupted our moment. It didn’t seem like it had been thirty minutes, but the clock said it had. I wasn’t sure if it felt like longer or shorter, it just didn’t feel like half an hour. Link got up and opened the door. I couldn’t see anything but heard a couple muffled voices before Link looked at me with a nervous smile and then walked out. Billy hung out by the door for a moment before stepping all the way into the room.