by Leddy Harper
I had never seen him look so timid before. He reminded me of a scared cat and it nearly broke my heart. The last time I had seen him, he was so angry and lost. He still looked lost, but all the anger seemed to have vanished from his eyes. He just looked sad and helpless. I prayed for the strength to get through.
He sat at the end of my bed and just watched me as I held Abby. I could only stare at him, waiting for the first words to be spoken. I didn’t want to say anything first, so I just waited for him. Seconds passed… minutes, before I finally gave in and spoke.
“Would you like to hold her?”
He didn’t verbally answer, just nodded his head and scooted closer to me on the edge of the bed. He was then sitting right in front of me, holding his arms out for me to place her there. I did, but I felt a sense of fear and panic I had never experienced before. I worried he’d run off with her and I’d never see her again. That thought made my heart hurt for what my family had gone through when I vanished so long ago. The thought of never seeing your child again was the worst fear imaginable, and my family not only felt that fear, but had to live with the reality of it.
“She looks just like you,” he said in the softest voice I had ever heard come from him.
I laughed. “She has your hands.”
He held one of her fists until her fingers relaxed in his hand. She then wrapped it around his thumb and his shoulders sagged with a slight shake. I hoped he wouldn’t start crying; I wouldn’t have been able to handle that.
“Let’s hope she uses them to make good things, unlike mine did.”
“You’ve made some good things, Billy.” I felt the need to comfort him.
He looked at me; his brown eyes had turned an amber color as I watched the sadness take hold of him. “She’s the only good thing I’ve ever made and now I’m supposed to just walk away.”
Tears sprung from his eyes and my quickly followed. I wasn’t sure what to expect from him when he got there, but I wasn’t expecting that. I guess I thought he’d be angry, but he wasn’t. He was literally saying goodbye to his child, and that was something I could’ve never imagined doing myself. I suddenly felt very empathetic toward him. I leaned forward and touched his face, moving his dark hair from his skin.
“You have a big heart, Billy. I know you do. It’s in there. You can be a better man; I have faith in that. Learn from this, and be better.”
“Why? It’s not like I have a chance of ever getting you back.”
“Be a better man for you, Billy. Not for me. But for you. And you’ll find someone to love who will love you for it, and then one day, you can have a family worthy of that. You’ll have a family who will love the better man.”
“You loved me, even when I was angry.”
I took in a deep breath, steadying myself for what I had to say. “I loved you in spite of your anger. But I learned that I deserved more. I deserved better. And Link gave that to me. I learned patience and how to calmly express my frustrations without throwing something or lashing out. And because of that, I will be a better parent, a better partner, and a better person all around. You deserve that, too. You deserve to be happy all the time. You’re a good person, Billy, you just have to find that person and let him live.”
“I don’t know how to do that without you. And now that she’s here…”
“I didn’t know how to, either. But I did it. And I can tell you that life is better for learning that lesson. I went to hell and back in less than a year. I didn’t know where home was. I didn’t know who I was. But it forced me to find myself. To find my home. And I promise you, Billy, it will be worth it when the same happens to you. You will love again; I promise you that. And once you do, you’ll look back at us and see that what I’m telling you is right. We did love each other, but not the way either of us deserved.”
He nodded and looked back down to Abby. “What’s her name?”
“Abby Kendall Hunt.”
His eyes shot back to mine. “Kendall?”
I shrugged and smirked. “Link thought it fit. He fell in love with me when I was Kendall. It’s part of who I am.”
“I like it,” he said as he lightly touched her cheeks.
The rest of the visit went by without any words. He spent the time staring at her, crying, and smiling. I wasn’t sure where his head was at until he placed her back in my arms and stood.
“I love you, please know that. And please, when the time comes to tell her about me, tell her I love her, too. Tell her how hard this was for me but that I did it out of love for her. Tell her that I am a good person that made bad choices, but it doesn’t take away who I am. Can you do that for me, please?”
Another tear fell. “Of course, I’ll tell her that, because it’s true.”
And with that, he left. I wanted to cry, but before I could, Link walked back in and stole my heart all over again. He sat behind me on the bed with his legs on either side of me. He rested his chin on my shoulder and looked down upon Abby who was asleep in my arms. There wasn’t one decision I regretted. Not one. Everything I had lived through led me to that moment.
I had spent my entire life thinking I had everything I ever wanted or needed. It wasn’t until red and blue flashing lights that I finally saw it differently. It was a fucking tag light that costs a whopping five dollars that helped me see just how much darkness I had been living in. It wasn’t until a boy sitting alone next to a tiny bridge on a golf course, smoking weed, that I realized I wasn’t home yet.
“Where are you at, baby?” he asked when he realized my mind had wandered.
“Home.”
Fifteen Years Earlier
Corinne Tucker
Doug wanted to take us out for a nice family dinner. I told myself it would be the last one. He didn’t often do the nice things or even the family dinners, but he knew I was at the end of my rope with him. He also suspected I was seeing someone. I didn’t confirm it, though.
I had met John Carrington when I was in high school, but I was already with Doug by that point. John was older than me by five years. It didn’t matter to me, though. And it didn’t matter to him either.
I saw him at a park outside of town one day. He had his son with him and I was there alone, trying to do some thinking. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be with Doug any longer. Before him, I was a good kid, got good grades, and just had fun with my best friend, Shannon. But I was stupid and naïve and fell for Doug’s badass attitude. He showed me a different kind of fun, a fun unlike I had ever experienced before. It started out fine, but then it just got bad. It seemed like one day I was smoking pot, and the next I was snorting blow up my nose every time I turned around. I knew I didn’t want to live like that, but every time I tried to stop, there was Doug cutting me a new line. He’d hand me a pill and I’d take it without asking what it was. I got to the point where I couldn’t even tell you what drugs I had taken because I didn’t even know.
But I met John, and he helped me. He noticed I was having trouble, and instead of looking down on me like everyone else had, he helped me better myself. He allowed me to spend time with him and his son. We’d meet at the park three days a week. I was sober three days out of every week.
I remember the first time he kissed me. It was magic. He told me there was more in life than a pill and a boy. He told me I deserved more. I cried. I didn’t think it were true. I had ruined enough as it was. Shannon no longer spoke to me. My parents always seemed so disappointed in me. And my brother was just too busy to really see just how much I was drowning. Doug didn’t seem to care that I hated myself and I hated life. I was miserable. But one kiss from John made everything better. It gave me hope and showed me there was more out there for me.
I had made up my mind. I was going to break things off with Doug once school was over. I knew I couldn’t have done it before since I’d still have to see him every day. So John and I made a plan. Once I graduated, I’d leave Doug and spend the rest of my life with him. But it didn’t work out that way. I ended up
getting pregnant before graduation. I wished I could have said it was John’s baby, but since we hadn’t had sex, I was stuck.
I didn’t think Doug would’ve wanted the baby. But when I told him about it, he was so happy and wanted to marry me. I foolishly thought he’d change. I thought maybe the baby would make him grow up and do right by us. I remember talking to Shannon after I found out about the pregnancy. I was so upset because I knew my plans to be with John had been ruined. I didn’t tell her that, of course. She didn’t know about John. No one did. No one but he and I and little Billy knew. I loved that boy as if he were my own, and I wanted nothing more than to be with him and his daddy and raise my child with them. But John told me to take care of what I needed to and hopefully our lives would meet back up one day when the time was right.
It didn’t stop me from reaching out to him from time to time when things with Doug got bad. I ended up marrying him, but realized soon after that our baby didn’t make him grow up, nor did it give him any sense of responsibility. It made things worse, and it made me worse. I grew depressed at the desolate life I was looking at living in for the rest of my days.
Shortly after Danielle was born, I started taking pills to ease my anxiety. I smoked weed thinking it would help me mellow out. It didn’t take long before Doug had gotten me back on whatever he had been using. It was then that I reached out to John again for help. I didn’t have to ask him twice. He was back in my life, making it better for me.
Doug found out that I had been doing things behind his back. I lied and told him I had been trying to find a job, when I was really with John. He suspected that I had been cheating on him, and tried to be nicer in order to convince me to stay. It didn’t matter how nice he got. I already made up my mind. I was going to leave. I wanted to be with John and raise Danielle with him. I was going to give Billy a sister, and give Danielle the life I knew she couldn’t have gotten otherwise.
So, the night Doug took us out to dinner was going to be the last one. I was going to tell him the next day. Well, not tell him per say. I was just going to pack everything up and leave and let him find out on his own when he got home from work and noticed us gone. John knew the entire plan. He said he didn’t like it, but didn’t see another way around it.
Just before we left the restaurant, I watched as Doug came out of the bathroom, wiping his nose. I knew what he had gone in there to do. Had I known he was planning on using while we were out, I wouldn’t have had so much wine with dinner. I only drank that much because I needed something to help me get through the night. I knew Doug would want to have sex once we got home, and I knew better than to not give it to him.
I fought with him for the keys, but he swore he was fine. We left and he seemed to be okay, until he pulled over at a liquor store. He told me to stay in the car. I knew what he was going in there for. It was his pick up spot. His dealer worked there, and he always left with a bag of whatever he was in the mood for and a bottle of whiskey.
I pulled my phone out, knowing he’d be inside for at least ten minutes. I called John, knowing I wouldn’t be able to wait another night.
“Please, come and get us. I can’t do this one more second,” I cried.
“What is he doing?” He sounded worried though the phone.
“He’s using and now he’s stopped to get more. I can’t do this, John. I just want to be with you. I just want it to be us. The four of us. I won’t survive tonight, I know I won’t. If you don’t come now, I won’t make it to the morning. Please, if you love me, come save us,” I begged.
“Where are you? I’m coming now. Billy’s asleep, but I’ll just leave him here.”
I told him where I was and which direction we were heading, so in case he passed us on the road, he could be watching out for our car. I hurried and hung up as I watched Doug walk out. He must’ve sensed my change in attitude because he started in on me once the door was closed.
“Who was that on the phone?” he asked after taking a swig from his bottle, probably using it to swallow a pill or two.
“No one,” I said quietly, trying to shove my phone back in my purse.
He threw my head against the window and tried to grab my purse at my feet on the floorboard. I fought with him for it but was losing in the tug of war battle with the strap.
“Damnit, Doug! I can’t do this anymore!” I shouted and attempted to open the door.
I was going to grab my sleeping daughter from the backseat and wait there in front of the store for John. I was going to call him and tell him where we were. It was the plan at least. It didn’t happen that way. Before I could even open the door, Doug was already squealing out of the parking space and burning rubber down the winding road. I tried to fight him. I tried to plead with him to just pull over and let us out. He wouldn’t. He accelerated every time I asked him to stop. He didn’t even brake as he made the turns.
He looked over at me as he was spewing venomous words, taking his eyes off the road. I was watching, though. I watched as the car began to veer off the pavement on onto the shoulder. I yelled. I screamed. He slammed on the brakes. But it was too late. The front of our car met a tree head on.
All I could hear was ringing in my ears accompanied by the continuous sound of the car’s horn. I didn’t know how long that lasted for before Doug’s head rolled off the wheel. He wasn’t wearing his seat belt, I was. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was gone. They stared back at me, lifeless and cold. No different than they did when he was alive.
I could hear Danielle crying in the backseat. I tried to turn my head to check on her, but I couldn’t move. I was wedged between my seat and the dash that was no longer where it should have been. It was on my lap with my legs pinned beneath it. At least I thought they were, I couldn’t feel them. I couldn’t feel anything. All I could do was try to talk to her, and try to keep her calm. I knew it would only be a matter of time before John showed up. He had to have. I just had to stay awake long enough for him to find us.
I didn’t know how long it took, and I was sure I had lost consciousness a few times while waiting, but eventually, John found us. I heard him screaming my name. I heard the panic in his voice as he opened the back door, unable to pull the front ones open.
“Corinne… Oh my God, Corinne,” I heard him cry.
“Get her. Please take her. She needs you.” All I could think about was making sure my baby was safe. I no longer cared about me. I knew there was no saving me. But she still had a life ahead of her.
“Baby, keep your eyes open. Stay with me. We’ll get you help.”
“No,” I could barely speak anymore. I could barely see anything anymore. The outer edges of my sight had turned black and I no longer felt pain anywhere in my body. All I could feel was a sense of the chill in the air. “Just get her. Take her. She needs you.”
“Corinne,” he cried again. I could tell he was crying by the shakiness in his voice.
“Please.” Shallow breath. “Take care—” another breath, shallower that time, “—of her.” I couldn’t get any oxygen in my lungs. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I couldn’t get warm anymore. “I love you.”
“I love you, Corinne. Stay with me. I promise I’ll take care of Danielle, but please, let me take care of you. Please. I love you…”
I was no longer cold. I was no longer in pain. I could breathe again. I was okay knowing that the man I loved with my whole heart was taking care of my heart. That’s what Danielle was to me—my heart. I let go knowing that. I went to the other side knowing I’d get to watch her live the life she deserved.
And I did. I watched it all.
I saw Lincoln make Danielle his always. He was her forever.
And Abby… she was their home for eternity.
Where do I begin? There are so many people that have been there for me and helped me along the way. I will start off by acknowledging the love and support from my husband. I know I’ve made some days hard when my face has been in front of the computer non-stop, but t
hank you for allowing me to do it. I love you so much! You are my always and my forever.
My parents, for believing in me no matter what I choose to do. Now I just hope they don’t regret that once they read some of the words used in this book. They’re not my words, Mom! The characters made me do it!
My Mimi. I’ll still sign a copy for you, but I hope you didn’t think you wouldn’t be acknowledged for your support and love as well. This is why I haven’t been over swimming. Hehe.
My Biffel. Hmmm… I just wanna say, I shluv you! I’m pretty sure I don’t have enough space to acknowledge everything you’ve done for me. I couldn’t even begin to touch the amount of support you’ve shown me through this whole thing and just in life in general. I am the most fortunate person in the world to have you in my life.
Best Friend. You’ve believed in me ever since the first story of mine you ever read. Glad that worked out well for ya! LOL
Bud. I know you have no idea what I’m talking about half the time, but thank you for listening to me. So what had happened was…
I know I wouldn’t be where I am if it weren’t for some amazing book friends I’ve made along the way.
My route here was accidental. I was happy just writing books for myself and one or two of my friends, but if it hadn’t been for Jettie Woodruff, that’s exactly what I’d still be doing. You mean the world to me. (She’s famous… Google her!) I <7 you one mill i ion times!
Monica…I’d still be just a reader in this world if it weren’t for you. Thank you for all your love and support!
Tabby, J, Bex… where have you bitches been all my life??? (Sorry, Mom!) You girls are amazing!
Katie Matteo… I told you I’d give you credit when I finally put a book out there. So here ya go! You kept telling me to do it and I’ve done it! Love you chick!