"That shouldn't have happened," I said although I was glad it did.
"Why could it never be normal between us?" he said, patting his hands against his red cheeks.
"I don't even know what normal is," I replied.
Still catching his breath, he leaned against a concrete pillar and flung his head back.
"Did you really come find me to talk about her?" he asked.
"Yeah. I've... really been struggling," I answered.
His eyes glossed over with nostalgia as he stared off into the distance.
"If it means anything, I've always regretted the day we said goodbye to her."
"Me too. Life would have been so different if we kept her."
He dragged his hand down his face.
"I'm sorry but I need to go."
A stormy look came over him.
"I can't think about this right now."
He strode away, leaving me leaning against the car.
"Hey! Is that it?" I called out as the tears began to prickle my eyes. “Can’t we talk?”
"Not now, Paige," he said without looking back. "Not now."
Chapter Six
Spring break had rolled around and everyone had either traveled down south to party or were heading home to spend time with their family. I was doing neither but was hiding out in a tiny apartment on the edge of campus waiting for Sean to arrive. He'd told me he couldn't wait to see me, said he was on his way, but I'd been waiting almost eight hours for him, staring out the window with my hands on my stomach like a widow wishing her husband would return from sea.
When I grew weary and decided to lie down, my head only hit the pillow when the doorbell rang. Struggling to get up, I took my time reaching the front door and it rang again.
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" I yelled.
Opening the door to reveal my swollen stomach, Sean stood dumbfounded with his backpack sliding off his shoulder.
"Holy shit," he said. "You're massive."
"Thanks," I replied sarcastically as I rolled my eyes. "You don't have to tell me how fat I look."
"Not fat," he said. "Just big. I kind of like it."
He rubbed a hand over my stomach and I felt myself warm to his touch.
"Come here. I missed you."
He pulled me close and kissed me passionately.
"I never thought you'd come," I said.
"I almost couldn't. Una was throwing a tantrum."
Wincing at the sound of her name, I sat on the edge of the bed and changed the subject.
"So it's almost my due date," I said. "The doctor said I'm ready to drop."
There was a flash of panic in his eyes.
"Are you sure about this?" he asked. "I told you that if you wanted to keep her then we could make it work."
"I know but.... I can't. How could we explain it? How could we raise a child together? It's not normal."
"What even is normal?" he asked and sat down beside me. "I think what we have is really special. I mean sure it's weird, it's intense and secret but I wouldn't have it any other way. Anyway, it's not like we're blood related."
"In everyone's eyes, we almost are, though. Just because our parents had us before they met doesn't mean we're not brother and sister by marriage."
He frowned and rubbed at the bridge of his nose.
"This is a fucking nightmare."
~
"Go, go, go!"
I was screaming, hurling stuff into a suitcase while trying to guide my body down the narrow staircase. When it looked as though I was in too much pain to walk any further, he picked me up gently and helped me into the car.
"Okay, this is what we've been ready for. Let's go."
He was acting strong and confident like he'd done this before but I felt as though I was falling apart.
"The baby's coming!" I cried as the contractions ripped through my abdomen. "Hurry!"
He ran a red light, sped out onto the highway and stamped his foot on the accelerator.
"Just hang on!"
He grabbed my hand and kissed it.
"Look, the hospital's just over there."
Pointing out across the horizon, we saw the building eclipse all the others.
"We'll be there any minute now just breathe okay, just breathe."
I'd read all the manuals, had run through the scenario in my head every night as I fell asleep, but nothing could prepare me for the fear of the real thing.
As we braked hard outside the maternity unit, I staggered out the car to be met by a concerned nurse on her break. Helping me into a wheelchair, she rushed me inside, patting at my sweaty head as she soothed me.
"You'll be alright, girl. You'll be fine. Let's get you into the delivery room."
~
Forty five minutes later Evangeline was born weighing seven and a half pounds. With a few wisps of dark hair across her pink scalp, she was already starting to resemble her father who was standing in the corner of the room trying to keep it together.
"How long have we got with her?" he asked.
"Until the morning," the social worker replied as she filed away documents in her briefcase. "Then I'll be back to collect her."
"She's going to a good home, isn't she?" I cried as I held her.
"I've personally assessed the family and I can assure you they will love and care for her like you want them too. They already have a boy and a girl and are more than excited for the arrival of little Evangeline."
A thought struck me.
"Will she keep her name?"
The social worker shrugged and snapped her case shut.
"I can't say," she said with a shake of her head. "Anyway, I'll let you two have your time with her."
We watched her leave before speaking.
"This is crazy," Sean said. "I can't believe it's really happening. I mean we only did it the once."
"Once is enough," I said.
"Are you sure about this?" he asked. "You can't change your mind about adoption. Once she's in the hands of her new parents we can't have her back."
"I'm sure. What kind of a mother would I be?"
"A good one," he answered without skipping a beat. "I know you'd be a good one."
He looked into Evangeline's eyes, smiled and outstretched his hands.
"Can I?" he asked.
I handed her over and watched as his strong arms cradled her. In another life, in another time, somewhere in another universe we were becoming parents and welcoming our little girl into the world. But from where I was sitting, it just wasn't meant to be.
We spent that night holding her and telling her everything about ourselves. We told her we loved her more than we loved ourselves and that was why we had to say goodbye. We both slept with her lying between us, pretending that for the time being,we were a happy family.
When the social worker returned in the morning, there was nothing left to do but hand her over to the kind woman in the pink cardigan.
"You're both very brave," she said as she bundled Evangeline into a blanket. "It's not easy."
"No, it's not," I confirmed as I dabbed the tears from my eyes. "But it's the best thing to do."
~
Despite the sadness of losing Evangeline, I had come to think of those times as the Halcyon days. Unable to cope with Una's smothering nature or the sadness of saying goodbye to his daughter, Sean quickly transferred and moved in with me. Although still teenagers, we took on the life of a much older couple, one who had survived tragedy and been hopelessly in love for years.
We'd hold each other as we fell asleep over our textbooks, pens still poised between our fingers as we rested our heads on each other's shoulders.
We'd go to class like regular kids and enjoy the company of our classmates. We’d go to parties like nothing was nagging away at the back of our minds. To the outside world, we looked like childhood sweethearts in an intense, though playful, relationship. Of course, nobody knew we were step-siblings and when we told people we met in high school back home, peop
le smiled and nodded. Yet there was a darkness sweeping across our lives or more specifically, there was an insidious sadness taking over my mind.
No matter how much I drank or how many hours I slept, the vision of little Evangeline in her pink, crocheted blanket was always on my mind. I imagined a thousand different scenarios where life could turn out differently for all of us. I imagined changing my mind at the last minute and taking her home, I thought about what could have happened if I never told Sean at all, I thought about what life would look like if we never took that chance all those months ago on the beach.
I began secreting away time just to grieve on my own, taking long, hot showers where I'd sit against the cold tiles and sob into the steam with the sound of the cascading water stifling my pain. I began jogging, spending hours every night pounding my feet against the city sidewalks hoping that if I caused enough physical pain, it would stop the agony in my head. It never did.
When Sean began to notice something was wrong it was too late. I had already been poisoned by my own guilt and responded to every attempt at help with a scream and an insult. We began to drift away from each other, him thinking I was becoming disinterested in him while I merely thought he was oblivious to the pain of giving away a child. Neither of us was right.
When the neighbors downstairs began battering against their ceiling with a broom handle, screaming at the top of their lungs to stop us arguing, we knew things had reached the point of no return. We argued more than we made love and dragged each other around the apartment more than we kissed. All I had to do was share my pain with him and tell him I needed help but for some reason, the words could never leave my mouth, they could only dance on my tongue and refuse to move any further.
With my grades slipping, my friends becoming tired of me, and Sean retreating into a world of his own, I did something I'd regret forever. Waiting until it became dark, and Sean lay sound asleep, I quietly pulled out the already packed suitcase that had lay in wait for me below the bed. I then placed the note on the kitchen table, the one I had written almost twenty times before I realized there was no proper way to say what I wanted.
For a long while, I stood in the doorway to the bedroom watching his chest rise and fall with each breath. There were no more tears to fall but I managed to shed a last one before I turned on my heel and tiptoed out the apartment and down the stairs to a waiting cab.
I never saw him again, but always feared what went through his mind when he woke to find me gone.
Chapter Seven
Arthur was watching the news with a stern expression on his face.
"Can you believe this?" he waved at the television.
I looked up from my book and stared at the screen, not knowing what I was looking at.
"I know, it's terrible," I said hoping it would somehow stop him talking to me anymore.
"And the interest rates are going through the roof!" he continued.
"Uhuh.Yeah, awful."
He shook his head and sipped on his scotch.
"I'll have to have a word with Eugene about this in the morning."
I had no idea who that was and turned back to my book. My eyes had read only three more lines when the doorbell rang and Arthur, annoyed that the news was interrupted, huffed and jumped up from his seat.
"Expecting anyone?" he asked.
I shook my head and pouted.
"Nope."
A moment later he was mumbling something under his breath and opening the front door. I heard muffled voices, Arthur's dulcet tones as he asked a series of questions.
"Honey?" he called down the hall. "You have a visitor."
"Really?"
I pulled my shawl around me as I braced myself for the cold gust of wind blowing in through the open door. Expecting to see a girlfriend, I readied myself to hear a vital piece of gossip over some hot chocolate. Instead, I saw Sean standing in the doorway, his hair kicked up at the sides from the strong wind and rain.
"Mrs. Manning," he said.
"Dr. Slater?"
Arthur looked from him, to me, then back at him again.
"It's a surprise to see you here," I said.
"Well," he began. "I was closing up the office and realized I forgot to give you your prescription."
Arthur looked shocked and glanced over at me.
"Just a mild sedative to help you sleep," Sean quickly added to calm his suspicions. "I don't live that far from here and I thought it was my duty to drop in and see you. I got your address from your records. Sorry if that seems a little invasive."
"Not at all," Arthur said. "We appreciate you stopping by. Most doctors don't give their patients the time of day anymore."
"It's the old ones," said Sean as he thrust his hand into his pocket. "They're bored with the job, have lost all their youthful enthusiasm."
His face dropped as his empty hand emerged from his pocket.
"I'm sorry. I must have left your prescription in the car. I'll be back in a minute. I'm just parked around the corner."
"I'll come with you!" I said. "I wanted to ask you something....about the treatment..."
Arthur watched from the porch as we hurried down the rain-soaked street.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I spat as we turned the corner and reached his car. "You can't just turn up here."
"What? Like you didn't just turn up at my office?"
He clicked the car unlocked and we slid inside.
"I don't know what you're playing at but I can't be long. I think Arthur's suspicious as hell as it is."
"I thought you didn't even like him. You said he made you depressed, didn't you?"
Taking a deep breath and straightening my fingers out across the glove compartment, I closed my eyes.
"Why are you here?"
He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered me one. I shook my head but he lit two anyway and handed me one.
"Evangeline," he said. "I think about her a lot, you know."
"Me too."
"But there's something else. I read your notes"
Silence. I knew what he was about to say and couldn't bear to look at him. The smoke filled the car as we both stared out at the rain.
"Your notes said you had a miscarriage at eight and a half months, after the car crash. Jesus, I saw the headlines, remembered the story from the news but I didn’t realize it was you."
I closed my eyes again and hoped he'd just shut up. Listening to the rain as it fell across the car, I imagined it was the waves on the beach and we weren't really here. We were teenagers again, making love in the sand as the palm trees swayed above us.
"Paige."
He reached over and squeezed my arm.
"You didn't come to see me just to talk about Evangeline, did you?" he asked.
All I could do was shake my head as the tears began to fall.
"It felt like a curse, you know?"
"A curse?" he looked at me confused before blowing out a plume of gray smoke.
"Yeah," I nodded. "I was so selfish and young and stupid to give up Evangeline that God cursed me the second time. Made me lose my second baby because he knew I would be a terrible mother like I was with the first."
"Paige... You don't really believe that," he tried to soothe me. "You never even used to believe in God."
He held my jaw and wiped the tears from my cheeks, kissing my wet face as his voice calmed me.
"Terrible things happen to good people all the time but they make you stronger. Believe me, I've had thousands of patients. I’ve heard the most heartbreaking stories. None of them deserved a single thing that happened to them."
"What are you trying to say?"
He sighed and pulled my head to his chest.
"I'm trying to say that everything is in chaos. Random tragic events happen constantly and there's nothing we can do to control them. All we can do is enjoy what we have in the moment and love as much as we can."
"But Evangeline, we had control over her."
He
thought for a second with his tongue tapping his two front teeth. It was a habit he'd had since he was a boy, a sign that he was really trying to think of something to say.
"She's what I came here for,” he explained. “I did something today, something pretty bad."
In a panic, I pulled away from him and stared into his eyes for a clue as to what he was talking about.
"What did you do?"
His lips spread into a wicked smile.
"I pulled a few favors."
My eyes widened.
"Calm down," he said and raised his hands. "I didn't do anything crazy. Not really anyway. I have an old college friend who works over at city hall."
"And?"
"And... he managed to access records that most people never get to see."
He looked at me expectantly.
"What are you trying to say?" I asked infuriated.
"That one of these records is Evangeline's"
"Just spell it out for me, Sean!"
He smiled again and glanced in the rearview mirror. I followed his gaze and saw the reflection of Arthur at the end of the street. He was looking for me, his confused face illuminated by the faint glow of the flickering street lamp.
"I know where she is! I have her address," he blurted out.
"What?"
"I know where she lives," he said with his eyes still fixed on the mirror.
He slid his hand over mine and squeezed my bony fingers tight.
"Where is she?" I asked with a trembling voice. "Can I see her?"
"I'll tell you everything I know," he replied. "But first you have to tell me something. All those years ago you fled in the middle of the night and left nothing but a note. Why? Where did you go? What had I done?"
"It wasn't you!" I cried. "You have to believe me!"
Arthur's reflection was growing bigger and I knew any second now I'd have to explain why I was crying in Sean’s car.
"Tell me why!" Sean shouted.
"Okay!" I flinched. "I'll tell you everything. But not now..."
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