Lost Angel

by Mandasue Heller

  ‘No.’ Angel shook her head. ‘I just want to stay. I hardly ever see you these days, and I thought it’d be nice to spend a bit of time with you while my mum’s in hospital.’

  Lisa started laughing and shook her head. ‘God, you’re a terrible liar. You couldn’t sound any more sincere if you poured honey on it.’

  ‘I’m not lying,’ Angel insisted, her cheeks turning pink.

  ‘Babe, I know when I’m being buttered up,’ Lisa told her. ‘Just tell me what’s really going on. Have you made plans to go to a party, or something?’

  ‘Not a party,’ Angel muttered, too guilty to look at her. ‘The pictures.’

  ‘With?’

  ‘A boy.’

  ‘Really?’ Lisa raised an eyebrow. ‘Wow, you kept that one quiet. I never knew you had a boyfriend. Does he go to your school?’

  ‘No, he works for my dad.’

  ‘You’re kidding me!’ Lisa drew her head back. ‘Does your dad know?’

  ‘God, no,’ Angel gasped. ‘He’d go mad.’ She gazed up worriedly at Lisa now. ‘You won’t tell him, will you?’

  Lisa’s heart went out to her. Almost sixteen, and she’d never ever been out on a date. This was the time when she was supposed to be learning how to kiss, falling in and out of love, having a laugh, getting her heart broken – all the things that taught a girl how to be a woman. But that prissy cousin and sour-faced old bat of an aunt of Lisa’s had got the poor thing locked up so tight that she was in danger of turning into a replica of them if she wasn’t allowed to start spreading her wings.

  ‘I won’t breathe a word,’ Lisa promised. ‘But I hope you’re being sensible?’

  ‘It’s not like that,’ Angel said, blushing all over again, because she knew exactly what Lisa was getting at. ‘I’ve never been out with him before. I just saw him earlier and he asked me to go to the pictures – that’s all.’

  ‘Yeah, well, don’t let him pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do,’ Lisa advised. ‘He’s obviously older than you if he works, and men can be buggers for that.’

  ‘Ryan’s not like that,’ Angel insisted, unable to stop herself from smiling.

  ‘Ryan, eh?’ Lisa grinned. ‘So what’s he like, this Ryan?’

  ‘Oh, he’s lovely,’ Angel gushed. ‘He’s not cocky or anything, he’s just really, really nice. And he’s got a gorgeous smile, and this little dimple just here.’ She put her finger to her cheek.

  Lisa saw the unmistakable signs of first love developing before her eyes, and it made her nervous. It was all very well letting Angel stay over for a couple of nights so that she could enjoy a rare bit of freedom. But a couple of nights was more than enough time for a young girl to fall in love and it would break her heart when she had to go home again, because there was no way her mum was going to let her go out dating.

  ‘Babe, I think we might be running before we can walk here,’ Lisa cautioned. ‘We don’t even know if your dad’s going to let you stay yet. And even if he does, what if he comes round while you’re out? Where am I supposed to tell him you’ve gone?’

  ‘I hadn’t thought about that,’ Angel murmured, her shoulders drooping. ‘What should I do? I told Ryan I’d meet him on the corner at seven.’

  Lisa gazed at the girl’s miserable face and sighed. ‘Look, no promises, but let me talk to your dad. You still won’t be able to go out even if he says yes,’ she reiterated thoughtfully. ‘But that doesn’t mean you can’t see Ryan. You can go and meet him, and fetch him round here – if you want? That way you get to spend a bit of time with him, and I get to check him out and make sure he’s good enough for you.’

  ‘Really?’ Angel gasped. She jumped up when Lisa nodded and then she rushed around the table with a massive smile on her lips. ‘Oh, thank you, thank you!’ she gushed, hugging her. ‘You know you’ve always been my favourite auntie, don’t you?’

  ‘I should bloody hope so,’ Lisa chuckled. ‘Seeing as I’m the only one who hasn’t got a beard. It’s no wonder the rest of ’em hate me so much.’

  ‘Well, I think you’re great,’ said Angel, kissing her on the cheek before going back to her own seat.

  ‘I am, aren’t I?’ Lisa grinned and reached for her cigarettes.

  ‘Yeah. And you’d make a really great mum, too,’ Angel said.

  Smile slipping, Lisa lit her smoke and shifted in her seat. ‘Christ, is that the time? I’d best start thinking about what we’re going to have for dinner. And then I’ll give your dad a ring – find out if there’s any news on your mum.’

  A little wave of guilt washed over Angel. She’d been so wrapped up in thoughts of Ryan that her mum hadn’t even crossed her mind.

  ‘Don’t worry.’ Lisa reached across the table and squeezed her hand. ‘She’ll be fine, or we’d have heard by now. And don’t worry about the other stuff, either. I’ll square it with your dad – I promise.’

  26

  Ryan was a bag of nerves as he got ready to meet Angel the next evening. And that was a weird feeling, because he’d been out with loads of girls and had never felt this jittery over any of them. But there was something about Angel that set her apart from the rest, something special and untouchable. She made him want to be a better man – richer, funnier, bigger, more handsome. But he wasn’t fooling himself that this date was going to turn into anything. As soon as she realised what a loser he was, she’d be bound to lose interest and go back to her rich boys.

  ‘What are you all ponced up for?’ his dad sneered when he walked into the living room at quarter to seven to get his jacket.

  ‘I’m not,’ Ryan muttered, secretly wondering if he might have gone a bit overboard. His G-star jeans and Adidas trainers were brand new and he already felt a bit uncomfortable, because he didn’t want Angel to think that he was the kind of guy who cared more about his own appearance than hers. And his Versace T-shirt looked mint. But she had money, so what if she sussed that it was a fake?

  But it was too late to change now.

  ‘You look lovely,’ Zeta said quietly as he passed her in the hallway on his way out. ‘Really handsome.’

  ‘Cheers, mam.’ He smiled. ‘See you later.’

  Angel was nowhere in sight when Ryan reached the corner where they had arranged to meet. The palms of his hands felt clammy, and he caught himself whistling through his teeth – a sure sign that he was nervous. He lit a cigarette and leaned back against the wall.

  She’s changed her mind, the voice in his head piped up. She only agreed to go out with you to shut you up. She never really intended to go through with it. You’re not good enough – you know it, and so does she.

  ‘Sorry I’m late,’ Angel apologised when she walked around the corner a couple of minutes later.

  Ryan straightened up when he saw her. ‘Wow, you look fantastic.’

  Self-conscious, because she hadn’t quite mastered the heels yet and was terrified of falling flat on her face, Angel smiled shyly. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Ready to get going?’ He flicked the cigarette away.

  ‘I can’t,’ she admitted. ‘Not because I don’t want to,’ she added quickly. ‘It’s just that my mum’s in hospital, and I’m staying at my aunt’s, and she doesn’t really want me to go out for too long in case my dad rings.’

  Ryan was disappointed, but he tried not to show it. It was only what he’d been expecting, after all. He just hadn’t expected her to come and tell him in person. He’d thought that she would just not bother turning up.

  ‘It’s okay,’ he said. ‘Hope it’s nothing serious with your mum?’

  Touched that he’d asked, Angel said, ‘My dad hasn’t really said much, but he reckoned she looked a bit better when he went to visit her earlier.’

  ‘That’s good,’ said Ryan. Then, ‘Right, well, I’ll get going, leave you to get back to your aunt.’

  ‘Actually, she was wondering if you’d like to come for a brew?’ Angel asked. ‘It’s only round the corner, and she’d really like to meet you.
’

  ‘Yeah?’ Ryan gave her a disbelieving look. Most of the white girls he’d been out with hadn’t been too keen on taking him home to meet the folks.

  Which reminded him of something that had been niggling him.

  ‘What about your dad? Only, I’ve been thinking, I probably should have asked him if it was all right to take you out before I went ahead and asked you.’

  ‘No, don’t do that,’ Angel blurted out. ‘He, er, doesn’t actually know I’ve seen you since that day at the yard.’

  ‘Oh, right.’ Ryan read between the lines and guessed that she didn’t think her dad would approve. ‘Maybe we’d best just leave it, then?’

  ‘Okay,’ Angel murmured, disappointment threatening to bring tears to her eyes. ‘If that’s what you want.’

  ‘Course it’s not,’ Ryan told her. ‘I just don’t want to cause any trouble. I like you, Angel. I mean, like, really like you.’

  ‘I like you, too,’ she admitted, her voice little more than a whisper.

  Ryan’s stomach flipped, and he inhaled deeply. No other girl had ever had this effect on him. Angel had been on his mind ever since their eyes had met through the office window back at the yard, and he’d been dying to see her again. She was so pretty, and sweet, and he wanted to stroke her hair and hold her and kiss her.

  Angel was looking at him, waiting for him to say something. There was fear in her eyes. When Ryan saw it and realised that she was even more scared than he was he cupped her face in his hand and kissed her gently.

  ‘Sorry,’ he muttered, pulling away after a moment. ‘I shouldn’t have done that.’

  ‘I liked it,’ she gasped, her heart thudding in her chest.

  ‘Me, too, but—’

  Angel raised up onto her tiptoes and kissed him again to shut him up. Lost in the moment, Ryan pulled her into his arms and held her close.

  Lisa came around the corner and stopped in her tracks when she saw them.

  ‘Oi!’ she hissed. ‘What d’ya think you’re playing at, you idiots?’

  Ryan jerked back with a guilty look on his face. Christ, I’m sorry . . . it was totally my fault.’

  Lisa looked him up and down, and then turned to Angel, her eyebrows raised in approval. ‘I see what you meant.’

  Angel gave her a pleading look, begging her not to say anything else. But Lisa hadn’t come to embarrass her or tell them off; she’d come to see what was keeping them, because the longer they stood on the street the more chance there was of Johnny driving around the corner and catching them. At least if they were in the house she could get the boy out of the back door if Johnny turned up, so he’d be none the wiser.

  ‘You don’t have to worry about me,’ she assured Ryan. ‘But it’s not exactly smart to snog in the middle of the street if you’re trying to stay undercover.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Ryan said again. ‘I’ll go.’

  Lisa saw the look of despair on Angel’s face, and said, ‘You bloody won’t. I’ve been waiting half an hour to meet you, and I got a cake out and everything. And there’s no way me and her can eat it all, so you’d better just get moving.’

  ‘Leave him,’ Angel said quietly. ‘Let him go if he wants to.’

  ‘He doesn’t,’ Lisa said knowingly. ‘He just thinks he should. Am I right, Ryan?’

  ‘I, er, guess so.’ He shrugged.

  ‘See?’ Lisa smiled at Angel. ‘Now stop messing about and get inside before your dad turns up. Come on . . .’ She summoned Ryan with a jerk of her head.

  He looked at Angel to see what she wanted him to do.

  ‘You don’t have to,’ she said. ‘It’s totally up to you.’

  A slow smile lit up Ryan’s face. ‘Suppose I better had,’ he said, reaching for her hand. ‘Don’t want you eating all that cake and getting fat.’

  ‘He’s lovely,’ Lisa said when Ryan left her house a couple of hours later. ‘I can see why you fell for him.’

  ‘I haven’t fallen for him,’ Angel lied.

  ‘Oh, well, you won’t mind if I have a crack at him, then, will you?’ Lisa teased. Laughing when Angel’s face fell, she said, ‘Chill out, babe, he’s about twenty years too young. Anyway, he wouldn’t look twice at an old boot like me when he’s got a gorgeous young thing like you to keep him happy. He couldn’t keep his eyes off you.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Girl, if he ain’t crazy into you, I’m the queen.’

  Angel went to bed happy that night. Lisa was convinced that Ryan really liked her, and she hoped that she was right, because she really liked him – a lot. More than a lot, in fact.

  Lisa talked Johnny into letting Angel stay for a few more days, and it was the best time of Angel’s entire life. She had always liked Lisa, but the more time they spent together, the closer she felt to her. The age difference seemed to get smaller and smaller, so she now felt more like Lisa’s friend than her niece – or second cousin, as she really was. And it was bliss to wake up in the morning and not have someone nag her the instant she stepped out of her bedroom. Fantastic to eat dinner with another person, instead of sitting on her own in the kitchen. Brilliant to stay up late and watch TV with someone who could limit themselves to a couple of glasses of wine instead of swilling a whole bottle of spirits, and who laughed when she got tipsy, instead of getting argumentative and nasty. And, best of all, she got to spend a lot of time with Ryan.

  He had taken to calling round in the early afternoon and staying until he had to go home to get ready for work at night. Which pleased Lisa, because he had turned out to be pretty handy with a screwdriver, so she finally had someone to do all the little ‘man’ jobs that had been building up over the years. And he refused to let her pay him when he fixed something, as if, Angel thought, he already considered himself part of the family.

  But as lovely as the dream had been, it came to an abrupt end when her dad came round one morning and told her to get her stuff together.

  ‘Sorry, darlin’, I know you’ve been enjoying yourself,’ he apologised. ‘But your mum’s insisting she wants to come home, and your nan’s got the place in a right mess, so you’re going to have to sort it out.’

  ‘Is the hospital all right with her coming home?’ Angel asked. She felt petty even saying it, but she didn’t want to go yet.

  ‘They reckon she’s healing well,’ Johnny told her. ‘They’ve persuaded her to stay another couple of days, but they think she’ll be okay after that.’

  ‘Can’t I just come home when she does?’

  ‘Sorry, love, but it’s going to take that long to get the place clean. And I’ve got some meetings this morning, so I need to get moving. Go get your stuff so I can drop you off, eh?’

  Angel did as she’d been told, but it pissed her off that it fell to her to clean up her nan’s mess, and she didn’t speak all the way home. She kissed her dad goodbye when they arrived at the house and then she traipsed up the path, carrying her bags.

  She was shocked when she let herself into the house. She hadn’t even been gone a full week, but everything was already coated with dust. And her nan had obviously spent the entire time drinking, because there were empty bottles everywhere. And the whole house reeked of urine, which made Angel wonder if her nan had been pissing on the carpets.

  But shocked as she was by the mess, she was even more shocked when she saw her nan. The woman had always been skinny but now she was thinner than ever, and there were deep hollows under her dull eyes as if she hadn’t slept a wink all week. But, most worryingly of all, she was still wearing the same dress that she’d been wearing the last time Angel had seen her at the hospital. And it was so dirty that Angel suspected she’d been wearing it the whole time Angel had been gone. In which case, she’d probably been wearing the same underwear as well.

  Ashamed of herself for not even having wondered how her nan had been getting on by herself, Angel put her bags in her bedroom and then went from room to room opening all of the windows to air out the house. That done, she got crackin
g on the cleaning – in the hope that it would distract her from thinking about Ryan. But it didn’t work, and he was all she could think about as she dusted the furniture, hoovered the carpets, scrubbed the ledges and polished the windows.

  He was her first-ever boyfriend, but she already knew that she wanted to be with him for ever, so it was killing her not knowing when she would see him again. And she’d left the paper he’d written his number down on in the drawer at Lisa’s, so she couldn’t even call him to tell him that she’d had to come home.

  But there was nothing she could do about it right now, so she pushed him firmly out of her mind and tried to concentrate on the house instead.

  When the cleaning was done she went into the parlour. Her nan was sitting in her chair with a vacant look in her eyes, and she looked so old and lonely that Angel felt bad all over again for having left her on her own for so long – and for having practically ignored her since she’d come home.

  She squatted beside her and said gently, ‘Why don’t I run you a bath, nan? Then you can have a nice soak while I make dinner. And I’ll see if there’s anything on telly for us to watch together later, if you want?’

  Rita turned her gaze on her and, for a second, it seemed as if she didn’t know who she was looking at. But the confusion quickly cleared and the old glint of meanness was back.

  ‘Piss off. I don’t want nowt from you.’

  ‘I’m only trying to help.’

  ‘Are you deaf as well as stupid?’

  ‘Suit yourself.’ Angel sighed and pushed herself back up to her feet.

  After dinner, which she ate on her own in the kitchen while her nan ignored the plate she’d taken into the parlour for her, Angel went to bed and cried herself to sleep.

  27

  It was two a.m. when Ryan and Tommy dropped the pickup car at the garage. They usually shared a cab home but Ryan wanted to be alone tonight, so he decided to walk.

  There had been a cloud hanging over him since he’d gone round to Lisa’s the other day only to discover that Angel had gone home, and he’d been wondering when – or even if – he was ever going to see her again.