Anyway, before our class teacher arrived, Mr Keane, Josh rolled up, and the first thing he did when he walked in the classroom was wave over at me. I can’t tell you how good it felt seeing him do that. I waved back and he walked over to my desk.
He said, “Good night on Friday, over at Letisha’s?”
I told him, “Yeah, it was.” It was all sounding pretty good so far.
Then he laughed and said, “You should have seen yourself in all that make up Lindsay put on yer. I bet yer felt a right divvy.”
I told him that I had been too pissed to care, really, and he said it wouldn’t have mattered if I hadn’t been, cos Lindsay can be dead persuasive and she always gets her own way in the end. I laughed at that as well but I didn’t tell him that Lindsay wouldn’t have to be too persuasive to get me to do anything she wanted.
Then Josh said, “Actually, you looked pretty good really. You’d make a dead good Goth, like we was saying.”
I wondered then, if he was sort of asking me if I wanted to join them. I know that sounds stupid, like I’m making it sound like they were some sort of club or something, with membership cards and all, but I don’t know how else to put it. You know what I mean though. In the end, I just said, “Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that meself.” And I opened me bag and showed him the make up I’d nicked the day before.
He said, “Bloody hell, it didn’t take you long to get hooked.”
I said, “Thing is, I don’t even know how to put it on. I’m going to need lessons.” I laughed when I said that and he laughed as well, and said, “It’s not that hard once you get used to it. You should get Lindsay to show you again.”
Well of course that’s exactly what I had in mind, but I didn’t tell him that.
“You coming for a fag at break time?” he asked, and I said, “Yeah,” and that I’d even got some clove fags.
He nodded then and said, “See yer at break then,” and went to sit at his usual desk.
Well I can’t remember a word of what was said in them first two lessons cos all I was doing was sitting waiting for the bell to ring for break time. And when it did, Josh beckoned over to me, and off we went to the bike sheds to meet the others.
I was disappointed when I got there; Lindsay wasn’t there. I tried not to show it though, and passed the clove fags around. Josh said what a good night it had been round at Letisha’s on Friday, and Danny started laughing and said I should have seen myself in that make up that Lindsay had put on me and I said that I had seen meself in the mirror and that. Carrie said that I’d looked dead good, and really wasted, and how Lindsay ought to get a job as a make up artist for films and that cos she was so good with it.
Then Josh said, “He’s got a load of make up of his own with him,” and Carrie said, “Have you really?” and, “Why aren’t you wearing any?”
She was looking at Josh and Danny and Dave cos they were all wearing eyeliner at least, and Josh even had black nail varnish on.
I had to tell them that I didn’t know how to put it on and that I was hoping that Lindsay would be able to show me.
“She’s not come in today,” Carrie said, and Danny said she’d got a bit of a headache.
“She’s still stoned from last night most likely,” Dave said. It was the first thing he’d said, and he hadn’t smiled either.
Carrie said, “She wasn’t that wrecked. She’s just got a migraine that’s all.”
There was something funny about Dave – he wasn’t being as friendly as the others, but at the time I didn’t pay much attention, cos all I could think about was how they must have been out together last night having a good time and that, while I was at home on me own.
Anyway, Carrie says, “I can show you how to put some eyeliner on if you want.”
I said, “All right,” and how that would be great, but I really wanted Lindsay, and it must have showed, cos Carrie said, “And I can give you Lindsay’s phone number if you want. You can call her tonight and I bet she’d be dead glad to show you how to put make up on properly. She loves doing that and she’s dead into it.”
And Dave said, “So yer want to become an instant Goth then do yer?” and the way he said it, it was like it was not meant to be nice or anything.
The others turned on him and told him to shut his mouth and that I was all right and that, and I have to say that I was dead pleased, cos it seemed that apart from Dave, they all wanted me to hang out with them. All the worrying and planning I’d been doing over the weekend had been just a waste of time.
Anyway, I arranged to meet Carrie at dinner time and she’d show me how to put on the eyeliner, saying she’d leave the rest for Lindsay to show me. And when we were walking back to class together, Josh said, “Don’t pay any attention to Dave. He used to go out with Lindsay and he still gets a bit jealous when he sees her having a good time that doesn’t involve him. He’ll be all right once he’s used to having you around.”
Well that actually made me feel even better if you know what I mean. Cos it meant that Dave hadn’t got anything against me hanging out with them all. It was just because I was getting on well with Lindsay. Of course, I didn’t know just how much of a bastard he could be, then.
CHAPTER 10
When I got home from school, the bastards were sitting in front of the telly. They were both smoking, but only fags. And then – hold on, the fucking light’s flashing on this recorder thing. The batteries are running out. I’ll have to change them.
Shit that was fiddly, changing them batteries with one hand, standing up here on this wobbly chair. Now what was I saying? Oh yeah, I’d got home from school. Me mum said, “Have a good day at school babes?” but she didn’t even look up from the telly.
I lit one of me own fags and just stood there looking at them. I said, “I don’t suppose there’s anything for tea is there?” Obviously I wasn’t expecting there to be anything cos the lazy bastards had never done anything like that for years. Me and me sister had been looking after ourselves since way back. I was just saying it to wind them up. I wasn’t even hungry.
Me dad did notice the smell of me clove fag though, and he looked up and said, “Bloody hell, what’s that you’re smoking?” And then he noticed the black eyeliner round me eyes and the black nail varnish on me fingers and he started laughing and said, “Hey up, he’s wearing make up again.”
Me stupid mother turned and looked then and said, “Oh did yer like that stuff I got yer babes?”
You know, I didn’t even say anything. I just turned and went to me room. And lying on me bed, I picked up me phone and I called Lindsay. Normally I’d have been dead nervous about doing something like that, but hanging out with the others at school and that had made me feel good and so I just phoned.
Lindsay was dead cool and we talked for about twenty minutes. And the thing was, she said I should go round to her place later and bring the make up and stuff with me and she’d show me how to use it. You can imagine, I was well made up when I heard this.
At about seven o’ clock, I went round to her place. It was dark and it was foggy again, but I didn’t care. It took me about half an hour to walk over to the estate where she lived, and I had to phone her again to ask for directions to her street, but it didn’t take long to find it.
When I got there, her mum and dad had gone out and there was just her and her younger sister in the house. I asked Lindsay how her headache was and she just laughed and said she hadn’t had one; she just hadn’t felt like going in today. I just smiled and nodded and told her that I felt like that on most days. Anyway, I was wearing that jacket – the one I’d bought from the Oxfam shop – and Lindsay said it looked really cool. Funny thing was, she didn’t look all that Goth at all. I mean she still had some dark make up on, but not much – just some eyeliner and this sort of light purple lipstick and some nail varnish. But she wasn’t wearing any Goth gear or that. In fact, she was wearing these pink sweatpants and a matching sweatshirt and there were rabbits embroidered on them, so th
at I finally twigged that they were actually pyjamas. So I said, “Is that what vampires sleep in then?”
She just giggled and looked dead cute and said, “When they’re feeling the cold they do, yeah.” Not that it was cold mind. It was absolutely boiling in that house, the heating was turned up that high.
Anyway, we left her sister watching the telly, and we went to her room. It was dark and black and purple, just like Letisha’s flat had been. There was posters on the walls and the only ones I recognised were Marilyn Manson and Dracula. The Dracula poster was from a dead old film and I don’t know the name of the actor – as if I cared anyway. So me and Lindsay spent the next few hours listening to music and smoking what was left of me clove fags and she showed me how to put on a make up base and put on powder so that me cheekbones stood out and I’d look even thinner and wasted. And she showed me how to make these dark shadows under me eyes and that, and how to put lipstick on, and I didn’t know there was so much to it. Even putting the lipstick on, she used this dead thin brush to define the edges, and then she used another brush to put the lipstick on. I have to say it looked a dead professional job but I had to tell her I could never do that meself, never in a million years. Lindsay laughed and said that if we were ever going out to see a band or to a party or anything, that she would do me make up for me. And yes, obviously I picked up on that; she was talking like we’d be hanging out together. I mean, even if not just me and her, that I would be part of her crowd from now on, with Josh and Danny and Carrie. And Dave. And then she took all the make up off me and showed me how I could put it on meself, just simple ways of doing it that even I could manage. And by the end of the night, I must admit, I’d got pretty good at it.
We’d been doing some drinking while we were sitting there in her bedroom and when I was walking home later, I was pleasantly pissed. Lindsay had given me a couple of fags to be getting on with, cos like I said, we’d smoked the last of my clove ones. So I was strolling back, between the tower blocks and the mist was so thick that I could barely see more than twenty yards in front of me. But I knew where I was going and I was thinking that for the first time in ages I was actually happy. I hadn’t realised how generally unhappy I must have been until I’d had this feeling to show me. And I thought that for once, I was just looking forward to the next day and that the future might not have to be bleak after all. It was a dead good feeling as well.
Anyway, when I got back to our flat, the bastards weren’t in and it was freezing, cos the heating wasn’t on. I went into their room and nicked this little electric fan heater they had – selfish bastards – and took it to my room.
I must have been drunker than I thought, cos lying in bed, I could feel the room starting to go round in circles and I had to fight the feeling of wanting to throw up. Well I managed it, and I didn’t chuck. But lying there, I found meself thinking. About how it felt having make up on and that, and how much I really liked it. And I got to wondering if the other lads – Josh and Danny and Dave – felt like that, or if they just wore it cos that’s what you had to do to be a Goth. I’d washed off all the make up that I’d put on at Lindsay’s, but now I just wanted to be wearing it again. And I was so pissed-drunk that I decided to get up and practise putting some on again. Only when I got up, I realised that I had left all my stuff at Lindsay’s. I fell back onto the bed, and the room started spinning again. And then I spotted all that stuff on the dressing table. That stuff that me crack whore mother had left for me. And while it wasn’t Dark and Goth, well, it wouldn’t hurt to practise with it, would it? That’s what I told meself. And who would see? So there I was, sitting in front of the mirror. And not really feeling pissed any more cos I was concentrating on putting on that make up. And I took me time over it and did everything the way that Lindsay had showed me. And when I was finished, I just lit a last fag and sat in front of that dressing table mirror, looking at meself. And the first thing that struck me was something they’d all been saying over at Letisha’s when we were all drunk; how much I could look like a girl. Because looking at myself in the mirror then, I did look like a girl. And I could see that I was even pretty. And I didn’t feel weird at all admitting that to myself.
I took the chair I was sitting on over to the window and sat looking down at the fog and the blobs of orange streetlights below. And I blew smoke at the glass, watching it spread slowly and stared at my reflection which seemed as though it was not me at all, but someone on the outside hanging in the mist, quietly watching me. This was when I found myself remembering what it had been like wearing Lindsay’s thong and that lacy black vest. And I was sitting there, wondering what it was like to be a girl.
I can’t remember doing it, but I must have opened the drawers with me sister’s stuff in them. Because I was sitting back in front of the dressing table mirror, and what I was looking at didn’t shock me at all. But perhaps it should have done. Cos I was wearing this pink vest and under it one of me sister’s bras. And I had on this matching pink thong of hers, with little roses embroidered on it. And I was wearing these black stockings. And I stood up and looked at meself in that mirror for such a long time, turning and watching meself from different angles. And I knew that I felt good dressed like that and with the pink girlie make up on. And I felt a bit guilty, a bit dirty if you like. But the good feeling was stronger than the dirty feeling. And anyway, I wasn’t doing anything wrong, was I? I wasn’t hurting no one, was I? And one thing was for certain. I looked hot as a girl. Really hot. Realising that was when I started to feel guilty and dirty again. I remember taking one last look at myself in that mirror before I collapsed, pissed, onto the bed. God I looked hot.
CHAPTER 11
Well I didn’t look so hot when I woke up next morning. I was still wearing my sister’s gear and all me make up was smudged and that. And when I saw meself in the mirror, I felt like I must be a right pervert or something. Anyway, I took the clothes off right away and I went and had a shower and washed all that old make up off as well. By the time I got back to me room, I wasn’t feeling so bad. I had been pissed, after all and we all do daft things when we’re pissed, right?
Well anyway, I went to school and Lindsay was there and I hung around with her and Carrie and Josh and Danny and Dave. And even Dave didn’t seem to mind me being there, so I started to think that it was like Josh said it would be, that he was getting used to me hanging around.
Lindsay asked me why I wasn’t wearing any make up. She was only joking, like, but I had to lie and say I still didn’t feel confident enough to put it on meself. The truth was, that morning, I hadn’t felt like putting any on. I still felt dead guilty and dirty for dressing up in me sister’s stuff the night before. Cos I knew that that had had nothing to do with being a Goth. It had been about being a girl. And I was having mixed feelings about that. Because the thing is, while I felt that it was wrong and dirty, I knew that deep inside I’d liked it and wanted to do it again.
Anyway, I let Lindsay put some eyeliner on me and we all hung out together at break times and dinner time and that. And we all agreed to meet up that night at Carrie’s place cos her mum and dad were going to be out. I felt that I was starting to belong. They dared me to put a full set of make up on and go to Carrie’s wearing it, and I said I’d dare, but it would be my turn to dare them to do something next if I did it. I hadn’t got anything in mind, but I knew I’d think of something. And I had intended to go through with it, you know. I would have done it. But of course, I hadn’t counted on the bastards.
When I got home, the police were in the living room of our flat, two of them, a bloke and this woman cop. The bastards – my olds I mean, not the cops – were just sitting on the settee looking glum and nervous but not spaced out, so I knew that there was something serious going on. And you won’t believe this, but the pigs were there because somebody had been dealing Es to kids at my school. And cos my bastards had previous for doing shit like that, they’d come around to our place. And they’d been waiting for me to come home c
os they wanted to search the whole flat. And in particular they wanted to search my room.
Right away I felt that something was happening. I could tell by the way the bastards couldn’t even look at me. The cops asked if I had any objection to them looking in my room, and I could hardly say no, so they went in. I watched them as they looked in every drawer, even the ones with me sister’s clothes and that. And they picked up that girlie make up me stupid mother had got me, and they just had to make their stupid comments and that, and I just stood there watching and not saying anything. I opened the locked cupboard for them so they could check in there. But when the woman cop looked under the bed, I saw her reach deep under there and me blood went cold. I could hardly believe it when her hand came out with a bag of tabs and I knew right away what had happened. The bastards. They’d stitched me up again. They’d seen the pigs arriving or somebody had phoned to tell them, and they’d fucking well gone and hidden their stash in my room. Fucking bastards had planted it on me, their own kid! They’d been dirty and mean and neglectful all me life, but that took the cake. I told the cops that they weren’t mine, that I never touched anything like that and they could check and find out I’d never been pulled in for anything. I even told them that it must have been the bastards that had planted the stuff in me room, but they wouldn’t listen. They took me down the police station and they kept me there for hours and they were questioning me all the time, trying to get me to say that the gear was mine and that I’d been selling it at school and that, and where did I get it from. I kept telling them that it had nothing to do with me and that it was the bastards who’d planted it on me. And all the time, me crack whore mother was in the room telling me that it would be better for me to tell the truth and that. If there hadn’t been cops there I swear I would have battered her fucking head in.
Anyway, after a few hours of it all, they charged me with possession. There had only been a few tabs in that bag, not enough for them to charge me with supplying so they let me go home on police bail, and I had to report to the police station every week until a date was set for a magistrate’s hearing.
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