by Strand, Jeff
I sent this story to Horror Library Volume 5 as "It's Bath Time!" The editor asked if I'd change the title to "Bath Time." We ultimately kept the exclamation point but dropped "It's." But I like "It's Bath Time!" more than "Bath Time!" and in the realm of my own short story collections I am KING, so the original title has been reinstated. (Though I actually originally called it "Down The Drain.")
"Alien Face"
I'd like to turn this story into a novel. Maybe someday I will. (Probably not.) When I was a kid, I had a pug. The classified ad said "Looks like E.T." Now, my pug didn't really look like E.T., but it was certainly a weird-looking dog, especially back in the '80s when pugs weren't as ubiquitous in popular culture as they are today. But I made up lyrics for "Alien Face" to the tune of "Baby Face" to sing to my dog:
Alien face.
You've got the weirdest little alien face.
You look like you just came from outer space.
Alien face.
This led to the term "alien face" being stuck in my brain for years and years and years, which eventually led to the idea for this story.
"Apocalypse of the Yard Gnome"
This was originally written for an anthology called Yard Gnomes of the Apocalypse that was never published. It's not that easy to come up with a story for a yard gnome of the apocalypse when you know there are a bunch of other authors also coming up with ideas for stories about yard gnomes of the apocalypse.
"Dead Bigfoot on the Lawn"
Another story written with the "Let's just see where this takes me!" process. It really was supposed to be about trying to dispose of a real Bigfoot and not a guy in a Bigfoot costume. I have a joke that has never made it into a book where kids are on their way to Disneyland, and instead of saying "We're gonna see Mickey! We're gonna see Mickey!" they keep saying "We're gonna see an actor in a Mickey costume! We're gonna see an actor in a Mickey costume!" Now that I've squandered that joke here, I'm sure my next novel will offer the perfect opportunity to use it.
"Gross-Out: The Return"
I dunno, maybe I should leave this one out of the collection...
"Deformed Son"
I enjoy figuring out the order of stories in a collection. There are several elements involved, one of which is that more divisive stories (such as "One of Them" from Gleefully Macabre Tales or "Rough Draft" from Dead Clown Barbecue) tend to go into the second half. One of my test readers despises this story. I'm pretty damned fond of it, but admittedly, the whole point is that it's an unsatisfactory resolution. Not something I'd use to open the collection.
"The Origin of Slashy"
I was once on a "Humor in Horror" panel at a convention (I'm on this panel at every convention) and the moderator asked if there was any subject matter that's off-limits for humor. One of the other panelists said, "Rape is never funny under any circumstances." I'm not one to argue with fellow panelists, so I didn't say anything, but somebody in the audience raised their hand and said, "But Jeff Strand, you had a funny rape scene in your story 'Sex Potion #147!'" Yes, I did. It's a goofy scene where the (unsuccessful) rapist carries around his own severed penis in a jar. There was no real need to worry about triggering anybody.
"The Origin of Slashy" was different, because though it's sort of a dark humor story, it was important that it be...well, tasteful is the wrong word, but it had to treat the subject in an appropriate manner. Clearly this was not meant to be a serious exploration of post-rape trauma, but I was always aware of the balancing act of writing an entertaining story about something that was most definitely not inherently funny.
"Secret Message (Decoded)"
It hadn't occurred to me to include this one at first. Gleefully Macabre Tales was originally published as a hardcover, at a time when there was no guarantee that another edition would ever come out. Instead of making people write in their expensive limited edition collector's item, or transcribe the story before they decoded it, I made it a little easier by offering to send a copy that cryptogram enthusiasts could print out. As I was finalizing the table of contents for Everything Has Teeth, I got a request for the printable version, and suddenly decided that the time was right to share the decoded story with the world.
"The Sentient Cherry Cola That Tried To Destroy the World"
Many of my short stories are published by small presses, in obscure venues. This story, which appeared in the anthology Anything But Zombies, was published by Simon & Schuster. Simon & Schuster! A story about cherry cola coming to life! Admit how awesome that is. Admit it!!!
"The Eggman Falleth"
I've always found Humpty Dumpty to be creepy as hell. I don't know why; I mean, what could be less threatening than a giant egg-man? "Rrrawwwrrr! I'm the evil Humpty Dumpty! I'm going to—oh, shit, you cracked me." Not only is he physically unthreatening, but the poor guy just wants to sit on a wall, bothering nobody. So I can't explain why he has fueled so many nightmares, but if I woke up in the middle of the night and had to choose between a chainsaw-wielding psychopath standing at the foot of my bed and Humpty Dumpty, I'm going for the psychopath.
"The Story of My First Kiss"
This story was inspired by the one time I brought a severed head into school as a practical joke. No, wait, I'm thinking of "The Story of My First Kiss" from Everything Has Teeth. I was terrible at practical jokes. I'd do things like put a fake ice cube with a fly in it in somebody's drink, but then keep saying "How's your Pepsi? Are you enjoying your Pepsi? Have you looked at your Pepsi recently?"
"Dad (A True Story)"
As the title indicates, this is a true story. It was a hellish, depressing time...but a lot of it was legitimately funny. It really did seem like one of the doctors was practicing for an infomercial on the wonders of a tracheotomy, and there really was a clumsy nurse. I was planning to use this material in a fictional piece, because "writing from the heart about tragic moments in my life" isn't really my thing, but I decided to try something different.
"Bad Bratwurst"
So Keith Minnion of White Noise Press wanted to publish a new chapbook by me. (He'd previously done Funny Stories of Scary Sex.) I said yes, because that's what I'll always say to Keith. 3000-6000 words.
Then I got an e-mail from a German publisher, asking for a short story to include in a magazine. No pay, but a reprint was fine. Being in a German magazine was cool enough for me to overlook the lack of pay (after all, it was a reprint) so I said yes. The publisher said, great, the story needs to be 9000-10,000 words.
ME: Wait, what??? 9000-10,000 words? Seriously???
Yes, seriously. Now this is the point where, if this were a book of writing advice, I'd suggest that the proper route was to respond with "Ha ha! Bite me!" Instead, I just pouted a little, and figured I could sell it to somebody else later. Then: inspiration! I e-mailed Keith and asked if he was cool with my chapbook story also being published in a German-language edition (maybe before, maybe after; I didn't know), and what was the absolute maximum length we could pack in there?
He was totally cool with it, and 8000 words.
The version included here is the 9228-word version, so if you own the chapbook, feel free to do a line-by-line comparison!
CREDITS
"The Tipping Point," "Chiggers," "Alien Face," "Dead Bigfoot on the Lawn," "Gross-Out: The Return," "The Eggman Falleth," and "Dad (A True Story)" are previously unpublished.
"Nails." Dead Harvest. 2014.
"Stumps." Fear the Reaper. 2013.
"John Henry, the Steel Drivin' Man." Out of Tune. 2014.
"Fair Trade." Splatterpunk Zine. 2012.
"Cry." Blood Rites. 2013.
"The Fierce Stabbing and Post-Death Vengeance of Scooter Brown." Piercing the Darkness. 2014.
"It's Bath Time!" Horror Library, Volume 5. 2013.
"Apocalypse of the Lawn Gnome." The Horror Zine. 2016.
"Deformed Son." Aghast Vol. 1. 2015.
"The Origin of Slashy." Corrupts Absolutely. 2012.
"Secret Message (Decoded).
" Published as a cryptogram in Gleefully Macabre Tales. 2008.
"The Sentient Cherry Cola That Tried to Destroy the World." Anything But Zombies. 2015.
"The Story of My First Kiss." The Horror Zine. 2011.
"Bad Bratwurst." White Noise Press chapbook. 2015.
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Other Books by Jeff Strand
Stranger Things Have Happened. Teenager Marcus Millian III is determined to be one of the greatest magicians who ever lived. Can he make a shark disappear from a tank?
Cyclops Road. When newly widowed Evan Portin gives a woman named Harriett a ride out of town, she says she's on a cross-country journey to slay a Cyclops. Is she crazy, or...?
Blister. While on vacation, cartoonist Jason Tray meets the town legend, a hideously disfigured woman who lives in a shed.
The Greatest Zombie Movie Ever. Three best friends with more passion than talent try to make the ultimate zombie epic.
Kumquat. A road trip comedy about TV, hot dogs, death, and obscure fruit.
Facial. Carlton just found a dead lion in his basement. This is the normal part of the story.
I Have a Bad Feeling About This. Geeky, non-athletic Henry Lambert is sent to survival camp, which is bad enough before the trio of murderous thugs show up.
Pressure. What if your best friend was a killer...and he wanted you to be just like him? Bram Stoker Award nominee for Best Novel.
Dweller. The lifetime story of a boy and his monster. Bram Stoker Award nominee for Best Novel.
A Bad Day For Voodoo. A young adult horror/comedy about why sticking pins in a voodoo doll of your history teacher isn't always the best idea. Bram Stoker Award nominee for Best Young Adult Novel.
Dead Clown Barbecue. A collection of demented stories about severed noses, ventriloquist dummies, giant-sized vampires, sibling stabbings, and lots of other messed-up stuff.
Dead Clown Barbecue Expansion Pack. A few more stories for those who couldn't get enough.
Wolf Hunt. Two thugs for hire. One beautiful woman. And one vicious frickin' werewolf.
Wolf Hunt 2. New wolf. Same George and Lou.
The Sinister Mr. Corpse. The feel-good zombie novel of the year.
Benjamin's Parasite. A rather disgusting action/horror/comedy about why getting infected with a ghastly parasite is unpleasant.
Kutter. A serial killer finds a Boston terrier, and it might just make him into a better person.
Faint of Heart. To get her kidnapped husband back, Melody has to relive her husband's nightmarish weekend, step-by-step...and survive.
Mandibles. Giant killer ants wreaking havoc in the big city!
Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary). First in the Andrew Mayhem series.
Single White Psychopath Seeks Same. Second in the Andrew Mayhem series.
Casket For Sale (Only Used Once). Third in the Andrew Mayhem series.
Lost Homicidal Maniac (Answers to "Shirley"). Fourth in the Andrew Mayhem series.
Suckers (with JA Konrath). Andrew Mayhem meets Harry McGlade. Which one will prove to be more incompetent?
Gleefully Macabre Tales. A collection of thirty-two demented tales. Bram Stoker Award nominee for Best Collection.
The Severed Nose. What would you do if you came home one evening and found a severed nose lying on a plate on your dining room table?
Disposal. Frank, a self-proclaimed scumbag, is hired to murder an old man...but the old bastard just won't DIE!!!
Elrod McBugle on the Loose. A comedy for kids (and adults who were warped as kids).
Out of Whack. A coming-of-age comedy about love, friendship, and the realization that trying to yank somebody's panties off in a passionate manner can only lead to wedgies.
How to Rescue a Dead Princess. A ridiculous spoof of fantasy novels. Lots and lots and lots of jokes, but I'm willing to admit that it perhaps tries a bit too hard.
The Haunted Forest Tour (with Jim Moore). The greatest theme park attraction in the world! Take a completely safe ride through an actual haunted forest! Just hope that your tram doesn't break down, because this forest is PACKED with monsters...
Draculas (with JA Konrath, Blake Crouch, and F. Paul Wilson). An outbreak of feral vampires in a secluded hospital. This one isn't much like Twilight.
For information on all of these books, visit Jeff Strand's more-or-less official website at http://www.jeffstrand.com