by Liam Livings
Gavin stood from the arm of the chair he was perched on and hugged me, kissing both cheeks as usual. "Here she is. The wanderer returns. When was the last time we got you out here?" He looked at his watch in an exaggerated fashion, then mopped his brow with a handkerchief. "Months, months and months it's been, hasn't it?" He turned to Big Gav who sat in the chair Gav had perched on, holding a pint of beer.
Big Gav shrugged and shook my hand firmly. "Don't mind him, he's just being a drama queen." He kissed Lena and said he was pleased she'd come back for more.
I looked around the seats where they were sitting. "Where's Charlie? Devine said he'd been here ages."
"Watch yourself. He's working up to asking you out again." Big Gav squeezed my hand.
"Again? Bloody "ell! How many times do I have to tell him no?"
Lena asked if anyone wanted a drink, then said, "If a man does this to a woman, we call the police. Men, they are very persistent, this is right?"
I nodded. "Yep, got it in one." I walked to the bar, when I felt hands over my eyes and a body stood behind me, pushing into my back.
"Guess who?" came the voice behind me.
"I need to tell you something." I turned to face him. "Lena's getting drinks, do you want one?"
"You know what I want." Charlie smiled at me, his black cowboy hat crooked on his head.
I pushed him back to an arm's length away and took in his boot cut jeans bulges in all the right places, tan cowboy boots and black denim shirt covered in rhinestones. "You know I've sort of dropped off the map a bit lately?"
"I've missed you. I've been thinking a lot about you. You're gorgeous, you know I think you are. You can't tell me you're happy with just your hand. I want to give you a hand. But it's more than that. That's what's made my decision. I know it can work." He got down on one knee, despite me trying to stop him. "I know about your ex, whatever he was called. But I am not the same. I know I'm older but I am not him. We can make it work. I want to ask you to move in with me, leave that little room in that house, and come live with me. Penthouse apartment, river views. I've bought all new bedding especially. What do you think?" He reached into his pocket and handed me a key.
I pushed it back, smiling, trying to get him off his knees. "I can't take this. It's very kind. You're very kind, but no. I want you to meet someone. I want everyone to meet him. Tonight."
"The more the merrier. I want to tell everyone we're moving in together. Tonight's perfect."
"His name's Callum, he's my boyfriend. We've been together a while."
"A while! How long, a while?"
"Few months."
"You kept that quiet!"
"Yes, I did. I meant to."
"And he's coming tonight?"
I nodded.
He was standing now, dusting off his tight jeans, amply filled with his legs. "Right, well maybe he can tell us all what your real name is. Sort out this Ford business once and for all. Come on, let's go and meet this so-called Callum."
"There's no so-called, that's his name. Simple."
As we walked back to our seats, he asked me if I wouldn't mind not mentioning the whole down on one knee key proposal thing to the rest of the family. I said I wouldn't breathe a word and we walked back, our arms around each other's shoulders.
Gavin started clapping, while Big Gav tried to calm him down. "Here they are. When's the big day? Civil partnership or wedding, what's it to be?"
I shook my head and Big Gav pulled Gavin off the arm of the chair onto his lap and started tickling him, which mercifully stopped him talking.
Charlie winked at me and mouthed thanks, then turned to the Gavins. "You two made it up now?"
Gavin removed himself from Big Gav's grasp and stood.
Big Gav shot daggers at Charlie. "I thought we'd done that. And you have to go and bring it all up again. Cheers for that, Charlie. Thanks."
I looked at the couple. "What's this?"
Gavin stuck his bottom lip out. "I'm not saying it. It's too upsetting. It's brought it all back, again. And he -" he pointed at Big Gav " - doesn't understand what he's done wrong. Won't even apologise 'cause he don't think 'e's done anything wrong. And I'm meant to be the mardy bitch. I'm telling you now - " he shot daggers at Big Gav, who avoided eye contact " - if you don't apologise, that's it for us. I'm leaving."
Charlie calmed Gavin down, told him to get some fresh air, and said he'd get him when Big Gav was ready. Gavin left then Charlie explained they were in the middle of an ongoing row since the man had come round to read the electricity meter at their florist and asked if Big Gav ran the shop with his girlfriend. Big Gav had just nodded and let the man get on with his electricity thing while Gavin sat at the back of the shop arranging flowers.
Big Gav interrupted, "It just came out. I didn't think. I mean, for fuck's sake, it's only the leccy man. It's not like it's my mum, or anyone who matters."
Charlie looked at him. "And has he met your mum?"
I knew the answer to this, or this argument would never have happened.
"Well, not as it goes, no. But that's completely different. A totally different issue."
Charlie pulled up a chair next to him and said, "Is it, though? Is it really?"
After some serious peacemaking action, which would have made the controlling powers at the end of World War Two envious, involving numerous trips between our seats and where Gavin was stood chain smoking and crying outside, Charlie retrieved Gavin, told him Big Gav had something to tell him, if he'd listen.
Gavin stood in front of Big Gav and wiped his face with his sleeve.
Big Gav said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
Gavin's face lit up. "I love you."
"And I'm sure Mum's gonna love you too."
"Eh, what you on about?"
"We're going round next weekend, to meet her and Dad."
"What, both of us? You're not going on your own, like you usually do?"
"Both of us. Together. Me and my boyfriend meeting my parents."
"Shit the bed! What am I gonna wear? I'll need a haircut. A new shirt at least."
Big Gav rolled his eyes and smiled as Gavin jumped about in front of him, counting off the things he needed to do in preparation for meeting The Mother-In-Law.
Charlie tipped his cowboy hat back so I could see his eyes better. "Not bad for a guy from the seventies, eh?"
I felt my phone beep. It was a text from Callum; he was outside and what should he do? I rang and told him to come in now.
Charlie took his hat off and pressed it against his chest then looked at the ground slowly.
"What's that in aid of? You did well, sorting out that little mess between those two. That could have gone on for days, weeks, months I imagine."
"Oh, I know I did well with that. No, I'm mourning."
"What for?"
"The fact that I am never going to see you naked."
I shook my head. "Mourn away, mourn away."
And at that point, Callum appeared between us. "What's this about mourning? Sounds a bit serious for a Saturday night, eh?"
I kissed his cheeks. "Nothing, don't worry about it. How did you get on in Edinburgh? How was the drive on your own?"
Charlie held out his hand. "Charlie. You must be Callum. What happened in Edinburgh?"
Mortified at my rudeness, I apologised to them both and did formal introductions. They shook hands at the same time as kissing one cheek.
Callum then started to gabble quickly about the audition for the play a few weeks ago, and how he didn't think he'd done well, and how the journey was a bit of a nightmare, but he was glad I was with him with his L plates on, and then he stopped. "So you're going to have to get used to … Me working six nights a week and Sunday matinees. 'Cause I got it. I couldn't believe it when they rang me. I almost said, you are calling the right person, the white skinned ginge. My agent said, that's what they were looking for."
"You'd better pass your driving test quick!"
"Aye,
or you've gotta be with me all the time. I can get a bus, it's no bother."
We talked about when he was starting and if that left enough time to book his driving test. We eventually decided if we spent the next week doing our own version of an intensive course, he'd stand a good chance of passing, with all fingers crossed and a following wind of good luck.
"You got time for that?" he asked.
"I want you to be able to drive." I hugged him and then kissed him briefly, conscious that Charlie was less than a foot away, and he'd not half an hour before just confessed his undying love for me on bended knee. "What about the voice-over work, can you still do that?"
"Aye. I can fit it in whenever, it's not live, so I can come to the studio and do it when I want."
Charlie put his hands on our shoulders. "I'll leave you two to it. He's too high maintenance anyway. Good luck to you."
"No, we're done here. Let's get back to the others. I want to meet the whole family."
"Right you are." Charlie walked back to our seats with us behind.
Callum looked at me. "What did he mean, good luck to me?"
"What do you think?"
His eyes widened. "Oh! Tonight just got more interesting." He pinched my bum as we walked.
I introduced everyone in the family to Callum and he nodded and shook hands or kissed cheeks, depending on who he was meeting.
Big Gav stood and shook Callum's hand, his T shirt read All The Lovers - Kylie in silver diagonally across the front. "Gavin's asked me to ask you if you can tell us his real name." He smiled.
"Aye, I could, but I'd have to kill you, so … " He shrugged.
Gavin stood and looped his arm through Callum's, stroking his shoulder. "Oh, come on, just a little hint. Something to keep us going. You've gotta throw us a bone."
I shot Callum a quick look, knowing my secret would be safe with him, having told him the full story about how I'd left Chris and his regular temper tantrums.
Callum looked at the Gavins, then to me, and leant forwards. "Okay, just a little hint."
Everyone leant forward into the circle of heads we'd created, hanging on Callum's next words.
"All I can say is if he'd got a lift from a different driver it might have turned out very different."
Lena rolled her eyes. "This is what you call a cryptic clue? You must not have done any of the cryptic cross words. Then you will know what a cryptic clue is."
Gavin sidled up to Lena and stroking her arm asked if she could give another clue. "So if he'd not got into a Ford for the lift he wouldn't be called Ford. Okay, we get that, but what's his real name? Just a little clue, please."
"This game is silly, I think. He is not that person any more. He is a new person, he is Ford, who is living in Glasgow with a new family, of you. The old person is not here any more, so why do you want to know what this old person used to be called?"
"Gays and gossip, love. Gays and gossip. They go together like … "
Big Gav continued, "Birds of a feather."
Gavin smiled. "Like gin and tonic. Where one is, the other will follow, love." He shrugged, like he had no power over this.
Devine appeared and asked what we were talking about. Gavin caught her up, clapping and talking quickly, then she said, "That old chestnut. Still on about that are you? With secrets like that, there's no point trying to drag it out of someone, you've got to wait, and wait and wait, and it'll just leak out, one day, without anyone even trying. It's like those big sweeping soap opera secrets that run and run for months and years. Then one day at a family meal, they just pop out." She made a popping noise with her cheek. "Come on girls, I see some empty glasses." She nudged Charlie.
Charlie lifted his pint glass, chinking against a few of the others' and asked who wanted a drink. "Come on everyone, let's leave it, alright. They're not gonna tell us tonight. None of us knew the old Ford, whatever he was called. We're here to celebrate the Ford we know, and love, and his new boyfriend. Who wants a drink?" He looked at me and Callum and said, with a twinkly smile, "Don't think this is over. I will find it out."
Callum held his denim shirt and said, "Aye, you probably will, when it's the right time for Ford to tell it. And less of the new, alright."
Charlie removed Callum's hand from his shirt and said, "Thank you. Fancy coming to the bar with me for the drinks?"
Callum shrugged. "Aye, why not. I've heard so much about you."
"And I've heard nothing about you. Come on."
I watched them walk to the bar, Charlie's arm round Callum's shoulder, and I thought, they're either going to absolutely hate each other, or they'll get on like best friends. I wasn't sure which way it would go.
Chapter 12
May
I was finding out new things about my new group of friends every day. Big Gav was an enormous Kylie fan - hence the T-shirts. And it turned out Gavin was into Eurovision; like properly massively into the Eurovision Song Contest. He always threw a house party on the final Saturday night each year since he'd come out to his parents. "Actually, I did it before that, from about twelve actually, just me and a few friends, so they weren't that surprised when I told them." He'd giggled down the phone when he'd invited me and Callum a few weeks earlier. "Everyone's dressing up as their favourite British Eurovision entry. If you turn up in jeans and a T-shirt, you're not coming in. Okay, Ford?"
I'd nodded slowly at that one until Gavin had replied with a "I can't hear you, what did you say?"
"Yes. Costume. Got it. Okay. I'll ask Callum to help me with his theatricality, or something."
"Fabulous."
After much debate and research, we decided to go as Scootch and wear little airline crew outfits. We picked up light plain blue suits from a charity shop. Callum sewed some aluminium foil along the edges and lent me one of his white shirts. We topped it all off with a bright red tie. We'd debated one of us going as a man and the other as a woman, but despite tossing a coin a few times, neither of us felt quite ready for that yet, so the two men from Scootch it was.
Now, we arrived at Gavin and Big Gav's florist, pressed the bell for the shiny red door to the side and waited.
As the door opened, the chorus of Love Shine A Light by Katrina and the Waves burst forth, followed by Gavin in a long black frock coat, emerald green blouse with lapels so long they almost hit his eyes, shiny black trousers and black clumpy nineties heeled boots. He had a perfect nineties brown layered bob - a sort of Rachel from Friends-slash-Celine Dion look. He raised his hands in the air at the chorus and mimed along, while hugging both of us. He adjusted something in his pocket and the music became quieter. "I'm so glad you came. And you've both made an effort. Scootch from two thousand and seven, isn't it? No female cabin crew?" He tutted loudly. "I am disappointed, I'd have thought one of you couldn't resist giving that particular brand of camp a go. Takes a proper gay man to dress in drag, I can tell you. Someone who's really comfortable with themselves." He brushed a stray hair from his eye, adjusted his collar. "Fortunately me, I don't give a shit what anyone thinks, so here I am." He led us up the narrow stairs into the living room. The enormous TV was pushed against one wall, the sofa, covered in some sort of European flag - it has stars and a circle on it - against the other wall.
"Have we missed the start?" I asked, looking at a group of two men and two women singing a ballad on the TV.
Big Gav arrived, dressed in a white suit and red shirt. He'd shaved his beard, leaving only a moustache, and his hair was in a long, brown mullet. "This is from years ago. He tapes them every year, and watches them again and again afterwards."
Gavin appeared behind his boyfriend and kissed him. "Taped, did someone say something about taping? It's not the seventies now, sweetheart." He looked at us both. "He's getting his technology and his outfit confused."
I shook my head - I was way out of my depth here. Callum was looking at the floor, fiddling with his silver edging on his jacket.
"Brotherhood of Man, nineteen seventy-six." Gav rolled his ey
es and gestured to the bowls of nibbles on various surfaces. "Help yourself to bits and pieces. I've done cheesy pineapple wedges stuck into a melon and I hope the Baked Alaska will hold out for afters." And he was gone, singing along to Save All Your Kisses For Me all the way into the kitchen.
Big Gav shrugged. "Same every year. I just tell him to sort my outfit. It's easier that way. He never told me he was this into Eurovision when we were first dating. Was it on his online dating profile? No it was not. Nope, he waited until we'd moved in before he revealed the full extent." He leant forward, adjusting his enormous red lapel to tuck it inside his suit. "He's got boxes and boxes of videos, DVDs, mini-discs all sorts. All full of recordings of the contest. He's got a Betamax and VHS video recorder, mini-disc player, and even a tape cassette player, all so he can still watch and listen to them. It's like the Science Museum in that back bedroom." He rolled his eyes. "Still, if it makes him happy, it makes me happy. It's important to him, so it's important to me." He lifted a cheesy pineapple on a cocktail stick. "Fancy one?"
We both shrugged and greedily took a mouthful.
Callum finished his mouthful. "And the food, what's that all about?"
"Every year the party has a theme."
"What as well as being Eurovision, it has another theme?"
Big Gav nodded. "Yep, that's our Gavin for you. He likes a good theme, does Gavin."
"So this year it's naff nibbles, is it?"
I slapped Callum's wrist. "Behave."
Big Gav laughed. "Have you been taking camp lessons from himself? No, seriously, it's seventies, hence why I'm The Brotherhood of Man this year. Like most things Eurovision, it's best not to argue and just go along with him, I've found."
And at that, Gavin arrived, to another chorus of Love Shine A Light blaring from his jacket. "Are you two going to circulate, mingle, meet other people, or just stand here all night?"
"Give us a chance, your other half was catching us up about the full extent of your Eurovision passion. That's real dedication, is that." I smiled.