by Marc Avery
At first, I thought I was tripping too hard, but not having sex became a problem for me. I really liked her, and I thought you had sex with people you liked. Maybe I was wrong about her liking me as much as I liked her. She was playing mind games, and I wasn’t the one.
I thought if I did nice things for her, like buying groceries or cooking for her, she would eventually give in, but I was dead wrong.
“So what’s on the menu?” Essence asked, purposely avoiding my touch.
“I’ll surprise you with something,” I said, smiling, even though I was pissed off.
I made us six-cheese spinach and grilled chicken pasta. I got the recipe from Google.
“This food is good, boy. We have to add chef to your résumé,” she complimented me on the meal with a mouth full of food.
I picked at my food because I had lost my appetite. “Thank you,” I said dryly.
“What’s the matter with you?” Essence asked. In my opinion, she knew full well what was wrong with me.
“You know what’s wrong with me. Don’t play dumb.”
Essence put her fork down. “Listen, Anthony, you’re cute and everything, but what am I supposed to do with your young ass?” She giggled.
I couldn’t see the humor in what she said. “Be real with me. Am I doing something wrong? If so, I’ll stop.”
“I like hanging out with you. I really do. To be honest, I don’t want to rush into anything, and then regret the decision later.”
Her words hit me like an uppercut.
“We don’t have to be in love or anything,” I offered.
“Sex is very complicated,” she countered.
“So, you’re telling me you don’t want me?” I touched her hand, and she pulled away from me.
“Maybe I should leave then.” I gritted my teeth.
“Maybe you should.”
My nerves wouldn’t settle down, and my mind was spinning a million miles a minute. We basically did what couples do. We fooled around. We even went out on a few more dates, talked on the phone for hours, and spent a lot of time together. I thought I did everything I needed to do to win her over.
With a bitter taste in my mouth, I grabbed my jacket off the chair and stormed out of her house.
* * *
After I left Essence’s house, I went back home and tried to avoid speaking with my mother. I saw her at the dining-room table with an open pizza box, and I tried to rush upstairs. Noticing this, she gave me the side eye and told me to come and sit down with her. We rarely ate dinner together, so I knew something was up. By the look on her face, whatever she had to say was pretty serious this time.
“You’ve been acting strange the last couple of weeks. Are you seeing someone?”
I sat down at the table and grabbed a slice of pepperoni pizza. “Why do you assume I’m seeing someone?”
“You’ve been spending a lot of time on the phone lately, you’re wearing cologne now, and you smell like perfume.”
I sighed. “Well, Detective Porter, her name is Essence, and she’s twenty-seven. Happy now?” I bit into my slice of pizza.
“I’m not sure I heard you right. This girl you’re seeing is twenty-seven years old?”
I nodded.
“How come she can’t find someone her own age?”
“We aren’t in a relationship, if you must know. It’s not that serious.”
“I’ve heard it all before. Older women eat young boys like you up for breakfast.”
“That might apply to other people, but not me,” I said matter-of-factly.
“You’re so hardheaded sometimes. I’m trying to save you from heartache, baby. Just trust me on this one.”
“Just because Senior was older than you?” I said guessing where she was headed.
“Exactly. I know about this type of situation firsthand.”
“Our situations are nothing alike. I got this.”
She shook her head and smirked. “I see your little girlfriend got you smelling yourself right now.”
“Whatever. I told you it’s not that serious,” I said and stormed up to my room and slammed the door shut.
Out of nowhere, I heard Michael crying. I had been getting up in the middle of the night to tend to him for the last few months. I knew my mother heard him crying, but I would take care of him anyway.
Shaking my head, I went into my mother’s bedroom and picked Michael up out of his bassinet. He cried for a few more moments before I gave him his pacifier and patted him on the back. Before I knew it, he was quiet and back asleep. He was so spoiled because he knew I would pick him up and hold him.
Holding my little brother in my arms made me forget about my mother and Essence pissing me off. I laid down with him on my chest thinking about how uncorrupted he was. He couldn’t disappoint me or let me down. He made me appreciate the little things in life.
After I put Michael back in his bassinet, I got on the computer and continued my search for an agent. Lord knows I needed something else to focus on.
May
“What’s up with you and Essence?” Paul asked me as he weaved his truck in and out of traffic.
“A bunch of bullshit. She won’t let me hit. My balls couldn’t be any bluer,” I admitted.
He laughed at me. “Are you serious, bro?”
“As a heart attack.”
“How come she won’t let you hit? She waiting for marriage or something?” he cracked on me.
“Beats the hell out of me. I been doing everything to show her I’m interested. Apparently, that’s not good enough. I’m not going to keep playing myself, though. Either she’s going to come around, or I’m moving on.” I sounded tough, but on the inside, I hoped like hell she came around. I couldn’t look soft in front of Paul, though.
“Communication is the key to everything. Remember that. Be up front about your feelings. If you just want to smash, then say that. If you want a relationship with her, then say that. Be as direct as possible. She can’t deny the truth.”
I became suspicious when Paul pulled up in front of Essence’s house.
“I thought we were going to play ball.”
“I can see it in your eyes that she means something to you. I don’t want you to blow your opportunity. Trust me, you’ll thank me for this later.”
“I can’t just show up to her place unannounced.”
“Stop stalling, bro,” Paul said and smiled. “You good.”
I sighed. “Here goes nothing,” I said and got out of the truck.
We fist-bumped through the window.
“Be direct and up front about your feelings. You can’t go wrong, bro.”
“I got you.”
“Later.”
Paul pulled off, and I felt jittery as I got closer to her front door. Before I could ring the doorbell, she answered the door dressed in a pair of tight blue jeans and a revealing blouse. She was beautiful.
“What do you want?” Essence asked with her hand on her hip and her neck craned to the side.
“I want us to start over. We got off on the wrong foot the other night.”
She sighed and waved me inside the house.
Essence sat on the couch, and I went into the kitchen and got a soda. I noticed the trash was full, so I took the bag outside. When I came back in, I slouched back on the couch and put my feet on the coffee table.
“The way you left out of here was childish.” She crossed her arms.
“I’m sorry. I was frustrated. I like you a lot, and I have no idea how you feel about me.”
“I enjoy hanging out with you and everything, but I’m not ready for us to have a relationship.”
“We don’t have to be together to have sex, Essence. Stop trying to play me.”
“If I give you some, I’m sure you’ll want to be with me,” she said cockily.
“Aren’t we full of ourselves?” I said.
“All I’m saying is don’t expect us to be together if we have sex.”
“I won’t,” I sai
d nonchalantly.
“Okay,” she said with a sly smile and slid on top of me. She kissed me on my neck, chin, and lips. I became hard beneath her. Not knowing what the hell to do, I froze up and let her take the lead.
She unzipped my pants and took off her blouse and bra. Next, she stood and removed her jeans and panties. Following her lead, I stood and got naked too.
Seeing her naked for the first time up close, I almost exploded. She had light brown nipples, a little gut, and she didn’t have any hair down there like the girls I watched on porn.
When we kissed, she caught me off guard because she used her tongue this time. It took me a minute to get in sync with her. I grabbed her ass with both hands. Her skin was so soft.
Wanting to hurry the process along, I abandoned the kiss, and we rushed upstairs holding hands.
“Grab a condom out of the nightstand,” she told me when we got into the bedroom. The anticipation had me on edge.
Damn, how many guys have you been with? I thought and then focused on finding a condom. I searched through the nightstand drawer, grabbed one, and ran into the bathroom.
Sweat poured from my forehead as I tried to get the condom on right. Then I heard a popping sound. When I looked down, the condom had a hole in it.
“Shit!” I yelled.
“Everything okay in there?”
I went back into the bedroom feeling like an idiot. “I need another condom.”
She looked down at my crotch and laughed. “Come here and let me help you, boy.”
I looked at the ceiling while she put another condom on me.
She pushed me on the bed and hopped on top of me. She guided me into her warm moistness with little effort. I saw stars and a kaleidoscope of different colors when I slipped inside of her.
She rode me like a professional jockey and grabbed me by the shoulders forcefully.
“Wait . . . wait!” I yelled and tried to warn her. She stopped when she felt me shake and become stiff under her. I closed my eyes and bit my lip to keep from yelling. I had never done drugs before, but I’m sure sex had the same effect on you.
“Wow. Really, Anthony?” She sucked her teeth, pulled the cover over her, and turned to the wall. “I can’t believe I wasted my damn time with you.”
I had never been more embarrassed in my life.
June
Essence and I didn’t speak for three weeks after the first time we had sex. I was too embarrassed to call her. I’m sure she didn’t want to speak to me either.
On the flip side, I desperately wanted another chance to prove myself to her in the bedroom. Our situation got off to a rough start, and I wanted to rectify things if I could.
In those three weeks, we didn’t speak, I Googled “better sex habits.” Surprisingly, I found some good things I could use the next time we were intimate with each other. Everything from setting the mood to kissing to timing. I could’ve easily asked Paul, but I didn’t want to go there with him. Best friend or not, this was a touchy subject for me to speak about.
Feeling like I was ready to win Essence over, I went to a flower shop near her house and bought a bouquet of long stemmed roses. The woman behind the counter said there isn’t a better way to say, “I’m sorry.” I couldn’t have agreed more.
After I got off the bus and walked a couple of blocks, I stood at Essence’s front door. I took a deep breath and rang her doorbell. After a few minutes, I heard footsteps nearing the door. I cleared my throat and smiled.
“Something I can help you with, boss?” A brown-skinned man with no shirt on asked me.
I almost hit him in the head with the flowers. “Who the hell are you?”
“Look, boss, let me go and get Essence right quick.” He closed the door in my face. My face got hot, and I kept tapping my foot. I wanted this dude to come outside so I could knock his head off.
Essence and the unknown man argued with each other before the door flew open, and the man brushed by me and got into his black BMW.
“Who was that?” I asked as she let me into the house.
“He’s an old boyfriend,” she said nonchalantly. “His name is Austin.”
“An old boyfriend, huh? Are there any other old boyfriends I should know about who might just stop by your house?” I asked suspiciously.
“Slow your roll, Anthony. You and I aren’t together. I don’t report to you,” she said with much attitude.
“I understand all that, but I didn’t know you slept around that much.”
“It’s not like you’re off to a good start in the sex department. Shit, I need to get it from somewhere.”
My stomach went sour at the thought of another man inside of her.
“Look, I came to apologize about that, and I bought you these.” I handed her the roses. She gave me a half smile and put them in the kitchen inside a pitcher of water.
“How come you haven’t called me?” she folded her arms across her chest.
“I was embarrassed, and to be honest, I didn’t know how to come at you.” It felt good to get that off my chest.
“This whole time I wanted you to call me, but I should’ve been the one who called you. Everybody has a bad day. It’s not like it was your first time or anything,” she reasoned with me.
She looked at me confused when I didn’t say anything back to her.
“Wait a minute. You were a virgin?” Her mouth hung wide open.
I looked at the ground. “I was one until about three weeks ago.”
“No wonder you lasted two damn minutes. At least you could’ve gave me the heads-up.” She threw her arms in the air and crushed my ego.
“I want to make up for the other night.” I stepped closer to her. Invading her space felt good, and I had no idea where this wave of confidence came from.
“Anthony, you don’t have—” she began.
I pressed my lips against hers so she would shut up. As we kissed, I slowly rubbed on her breasts and nipples. When she wrapped her arms around me, I cupped her ass. The scent of her perfume made me breathe harder.
She broke the kiss and told me, “Take your clothes off now.”
I quickly did as I was told, and she got undressed too.
We walked up the steps holding hands. Once we got into her bedroom, I grabbed a condom out of the drawer and went into the bathroom.
Taking my time, I slowly put the condom on successfully and went back into the bedroom like a man on a mission.
After a few minutes of licking everywhere between her thighs, I laid her down on the bed and guided myself into her wetness with little effort. I kissed on her neck and cheek, and she moaned with approval. I felt like the man.
Keeping my pace even and my mind on not coming too fast again, I stroked her slowly. I rotated my hips clockwise, and then counterclockwise. I hit spots she didn’t even know were there.
“Yes, boy. That’s how you please mama,” she said and slapped me on the ass to encourage me to go harder.
I increased my speed when she slapped me.
“Yes. Faster!” she yelled.
The sound of our skin smacking together echoed throughout the room and sweat poured from my forehead.
My body shook from a forceful orgasm, and I bit my lip to keep from yelling. Essence kissed me on the forehead and got out of bed. She came back with a washrag and cleaned me and herself off.
I had no idea what cuddling was until Essence told me to hold her that night. Lying there, I thought about how my mother wanted me to be with someone younger than Essence. Although my mother cared about Essence’s age, I didn’t. I had feelings for her, and I wanted to explore them.
Because we had sex, I felt like I could open up my soul to her. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.”
“Are your parents together?”
“No. My father left us,” she said coldly.
“Mine did too.”
“What made you think of him?”
“My mother thinks you’ll take advantage
of me like my father did to her because of their age difference.”
“That’s very presumptuous,” she huffed.
I smiled. “Tell me about it.”
“Did you blame yourself for him leaving?”
“I did, and I don’t know why.”
“I don’t know why I did either.”
“How do you deal with him not being there?”
“My stepfather stepped up in his absence.”
“Would you ever accept your biological father back in your life?” I asked.
She smiled. “Never say never.”
“Did you ever find out why he left or where he is?”
“To be honest, I don’t want to know.”
“I want to know where my dad is. I miss him, and I want him to come back home.” I let the tears fall.
She wiped my tears away with her thumb.
I hugged her tighter, and within minutes, I was sleeping.
I woke up a few hours later to an empty bed. I grabbed my cell phone off the nightstand, and I had a text message from Essence.
I had some business to take care of. I’ll call you later.
After I yawned and stretched, I got out of the bed, took a birdbath, and put my clothes back on.
Curiosity got the best of me, and I went through her medicine cabinet. I found some codeine tablets prescribed to her ex-boyfriend, Austin, and I took a picture of the pill bottle with my cell phone. Something told me the picture of his address on the pill bottle would come in handy someday.
I caught the bus home and decided to smooth things over with my mother. During the last three weeks, we spoke to each other, but we didn’t directly address our issues.
I came in the house, and my mother was in the living room watching Family Feud.
“Anthony,” she said and didn’t look at me.
“Mom.” I matched her tone. I took a deep breath and continued on. “I wanted to apologize for the way I acted. Dealing with women is a new thing for me. I just want your support, that’s all.”
“Come here and sit down.” She patted the space beside her on the couch.
I did as I was told.
“You’ll always have my support. Unfortunately, I don’t want you to be with an older woman. You get with someone your own age, and I’m all in.”