I rubbed my lips together, wishing I could change the subject. But by now I knew Addison already suspected there was more to the story. “Don’t tell anyone, alright? I don’t even feel like it’s my place to say anything.” I looked at her and felt an ache in my chest before I even spoke the words. “His parents died a couple years ago in a car accident. He doesn’t have anyone. No siblings, no close family. But he’s so strong, Addi. I wish I was as strong as him.”
She frowned sadly. “I think that’s maybe part of why you’re drawn to him. He’s strong. He sounds like a great guy.”
She seemed to really mean it. I smiled and took another bite. “Anyway,” I continued after I swallowed, “I don’t know what’s going to happen. Logically, I know this might be crazy. I mean, why am I letting a guy in right now? Everything in me wants to avoid any and all men. I don’t trust any of them; even the ones I know wouldn’t hurt me. They all remind me of Tyler. But not Alex. I don’t want to label whatever it is we have. I just . . .”
“You feel safe.” She smiled softly and reached across the table to squeeze my hand. “And that’s great. It really is, May. Maybe he will help you move on. But remember he can’t heal you, and the moment you try to let him, you will only fall apart more.”
“What do you mean?” I shook my head. “I don’t see how that’s possible.”
“No one can do this for you. You can only heal from the inside out.”
“I’m trying, Addison,” I swore. “But why can’t Alex be there all along?”
What was I saying? What if he didn’t want to be there long term? What if I really was lying to myself?
She let go of my hand and rested her head on her balled fist, her gaze honest and loving. “He can. But I’m trying to remind you that even if he isn’t, you need to be at a place where that’s okay; a place where your identity isn’t resting in his hands.”
The words “you need” made me feel defensive. How did anyone know what I needed; even Addison? But then I reminded myself this was Addison. “I’ll make sure of that,” I promised. Inhaling a cleansing breath, I nodded my thanks.
Nineteen
A LOUD DING THRUSTED me awake. I blinked a few times at my alarm clock, seeing 6:44 in blaring red numbers. It would go off at 6:45, so I reached for it quickly to prevent the obnoxious buzzing. It took me a moment to figure out what had made the noise, but then my phone lit up with a reminder that I had a text message. Alex. I bit my lip and swiped my finger across the screen.
Alex: Good morning. Just wanted to tell you to have a good day at school.
I smiled and settled back onto my pillows, holding my phone above me to reply.
Me: Thank you. What are you up to today?
He called me a second later. I grinned and brought the phone to my ear.
“More painting,” he said. “I have to meet with a financial advisor later to try and figure all of this out.”
“Sounds stressful,” I frowned.
“Nah. Could be a lot worse. I hope I didn’t wake you.”
“You did, a whole minute early. But it’s okay,” I smirked.
He laughed. “Hey, do you want to do something tonight? Nothing too late, of course. I know you have school tomorrow.”
My stomach fluttered. “I’m having a party tonight. Nothing huge. Just thought it would be cool to eat lots of junk food and play dumb games like Apples to Apples and Pictionary,” Tyler’s voice echoed in my mind. I forced it away, but the sick feeling that came with it was still there. “I don’t think my parents will let me,” I explained regrettably. I wasn’t lying: school nights were usually off limits. But I wasn’t prepared for the regret I felt in telling him no. I reminded myself how much I really trusted him. Running a shaky hand through my bed-head tangles, I released a slow breath. “But it sounds fun. I’ll ask.”
He didn’t respond for a moment. When he did, he was careful with his words. “If you’d rather not, I’ll understand. I don’t want to rush you into anything.”
“I know,” I assured him. “And that’s why it’s not too soon.”
“I’m glad you feel comfortable with me. And you really won’t be out late. I just want to show you something; a hobby I forgot to tell you about.”
“Is that so? Just how many facets do you have, Mr. Adair?” I inquired, smiling. Inwardly, I wondered why I felt like crying.
“Jack of all trades; master of none,” he answered with a chuckle. “Ask your parents first. I don’t want to get you into trouble.”
“I will. Talk to you later?”
“Sure. Text me any time.”
“Okay.” I hung up and laid the phone on my chest, feeling my pulse roar. It wasn’t that I was flustered. It wasn’t even that I was excited to hear from him. It was because I felt waves crashing in my stomach, unlike the butterflies I should have been feeling. It wasn’t until I was throwing the blankets off of me that I realized I was going to throw up.
“Easy, kid,” Dad told me a minute later after I flushed the toilet. I was crying but I didn’t notice it until I noticed his presence. I laid my cheek on my arm and felt Dad touch my back. “You alright?”
“Yeah,” I mumbled. “I’m feeling better now, I think.”
He gently massaged my shoulder. “Are you stressed about something? The medication seemed to be helping you . . .”
I hated to think I was relapsing back into the state I was in the preceding days after Tyler’s attack. I tried to convince myself it wasn’t Alex. If anything, he made me feel better. Then again, I was so confused by everything that I was finding my emotions betraying me. “Just cramps,” I assured Dad. It wasn’t, but I knew it would give him an answer.
“Alright. I’ll get you a glass of water.”
When he left, I locked the door and pulled a tampon out of the cupboard. But when I pulled my pants down to find my overnight pad clean, I felt everything in my chest cease function. Usually by day two, I could barely keep up with it. But there was just . . . nothing.
I frowned deeply, bewildered. I felt weird. There were no cramps; just a deep, full sensation. I touched my abdomen and tried to solve what was happening. Was stress disrupting my cycle? I closed my eyes and tried to feel everything going on in my body. My chest was sore; I touched my breasts and found them tender.
The hope I had found the day before upon the beginning of my cycle was slowly beginning to fracture like fragile glass. I didn’t want to consider the alternative.
“May? I’m putting the water on your dresser. Make sure you drink it.”
“Thanks,” I choked.
I needed to talk to Addison.
* * *
MY LEGS WERE ALMOST useless when I stepped out of my Jeep in the school parking lot. I couldn’t even remember the drive there. Addison was walking up the stairs to the entrance and my voice rang out before I even knew I was about to speak. “Addison!” I called. She turned and saw me, a frown clearly visible on her face even from a distance. When she approached, I moved my concrete legs to try and meet her halfway. “I need to talk to you.”
“What is it?” she asked, worried. “Are you alright?”
I looked at her in a daze, and then down at my watch. We had ten minutes before our first class. I nodded to the side of the parking lot where nobody would hear us talking. She followed me, and I slowly turned around. “I . . .” I was losing my nerve, so I tried to spit it out. “I think I might be—”
“Hey! What are you guys doing?” Danika called, heading toward us.
I exhaled, frustrated. Danika didn’t know about any of this, and I wanted to keep it that way. Addison looked at me, questioning me with her wide, brown eyes. “Do you want to talk later?” she whispered.
Tears tumbled down my cheeks. Whether I liked it or not, Danika was about to know my secret too. “No, I need to talk to you now.”
“May, what’s wrong?” Danika asked.
I shrugged my shoulders in surrender. I just didn’t care anymore. “I was raped at that party, Dani.” I ignored the
look of horror on her face and diverted my attention to Addison. Focusing on her, I drew the strength to continue. “And I think I might be pregnant.”
Addison’s face paled. She grabbed my hand. “It’s going to be okay,” she promised. She looked strong enough for the both of us.
“Oh my God . . .” Danika whispered. “Oh my God!” I looked at her again. Her eyes held enormous, unshed tears. “This is all my fault,” she breathed, covering her mouth.
I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know what to say. So I stepped forward and hugged her, my fingers still laced with Addison’s.
“It’s no wonder you hate me,” Danika sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” I whispered. It would have been easy to continue blaming her for dragging me to that party. In all honesty, I doubted Tyler would have attacked me anywhere else. It was a fluke; something nobody could have predicted. I couldn’t put that on her.
Addison joined the embrace. And even though we were all reduced to tears; even though I wished that neither of them had to know any of this, I was still grateful I had them to lean on.
After a while, we all pulled apart. “We’ll get you a test after school,” Addison said. “And if you want us there, we’ll all find out together.”
I glanced at Danika, seeing her nod in confirmation. “Okay,” I whispered, taking a deep breath. I just needed to find a way to make it through school.
* * *
I PULLED UP MY PANTS and laid the stick on the counter, watching the test strip become saturated. One line darkened in the control window, as well as a negative sign in the test window. My hands shook as I checked the instruction sheet from the box again. “Guys!” I said, opening the door. “Only one line.”
I held the sheet out to Addison so she could look at the diagram. Danika stood quietly behind her. She hadn’t said a word all day.
Addison smiled, but that smile soon faded. “Wait, it says to wait two minutes before you read it.”
My relief dissipated as I stood there for a moment, my back to the test. “Can you watch it? I can’t do it.”
She nodded, squeezing my wrist as she passed by me. There was nothing but silence for a while. I heard my own heartbeat in my ears. Danika and I were watching each other as if we were both waiting for a bomb to stop ticking. “Any change?” my voice quivered over my shoulder.
Silence.
“Addison?” I asked, turning around. I saw her reflection in the mirror, and it told me all I needed to know. My hand went to my mouth as she faced me, the stick in her hands.
“There’s a plus sign.”
“Tell me you’re kidding.”
She shook her head. “I wish I was.”
I snatched the test out of her hand, staring down at it as I tried to make sense of the two blue lines that intersected in the middle. They stared me in the face, mocking me. I shook it a few times, blinking back tears. “No, no . . .”
“You can’t change the result, May. You’re pregnant,” Addison stated, taking hold of my arms. “Look at me. It’s going to be okay.”
“It’s not!” I sobbed hysterically. “What did I do to deserve this?”
“Look at me,” she demanded again, lowering her head until I lifted my eyes to hers. “You didn’t do anything wrong. None of this is your fault. Take a deep breath, okay? Come on, let’s go sit down.”
I numbly followed her to her bedroom where the three of us sat on the edge of her mattress. She took the test out of my hand and tossed it in the wastebasket by her nightstand. “What am I going to do?” I whispered.
She took my hand. “You have time to figure it out. Nothing has to be decided today. I think you should just go home and process this for a few days.”
“No,” I shook my head. “No, I have to get it out of me. I want it out.” The edge to my tone surprised even me, but I couldn’t escape my desperation to make this whole situation disappear. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. It felt like a cruel trick.
“May, don’t do anything rash. You’re distraught right now. You need to think this through . . .” she begged. “You don’t want to do anything you’ll regret later.”
“I regret getting raped!” I shouted, standing up. Danika gasped sharply. Why was she crying? I stared at her for a moment, questioning that very thing. Challenging her. How dare she?
Addison stared at me with her mouth open, but no words were coming out. I decided to spare her the obligation of speaking because talking about it was only making me feel worse. “I have to go. Alex is waiting for me.” I opened the door and the sounds of her family conversing filled the room. I grabbed my coat off of her dresser, shrugging into it. With a deep breath, I calmed my tone. “I’ll call you guys later, okay? Thank you for being here for me.”
Addison came forward and carefully brought me into a tight embrace. “It’ll be alright. I promise.”
The thing was, no matter how many times she said that, I had an impossible time believing it.
Twenty
ALEX HAD INSTRUCTED me to meet him in the parking lot at Agate Beach. My stomach was in knots the entire drive there and my knuckles ached from strangling the steering wheel. All the while I had fantasized about scenarios that entailed a sudden miscarriage or a falsely positive test. I almost started to believe that something could be the case until I parked my car and saw Alex grinning at me with a large backpack over his shoulder. He brought me back to reality.
I was pregnant. And it only served to remind me that Alex couldn’t fix me. He couldn’t make this disappear. It didn’t matter how I felt about him, or why I felt anything for him anymore.
I forced a smile and got out of my car, zipping up my coat as I examined everything he was holding in addition to his backpack: a long, black contraption and what appeared to be a camera bag hanging from his forearm. “Do you want some help?” I offered.
“Naw, I’ve got it,” he smiled. He watched me approach, his eyes admiring me. “You look really nice tonight, May.”
I looked down at my clothing. Nothing unusual; jeans, tennis shoes, my coat. He could tell by the shake of my head that I was denying his claim. “You always look nice,” he clarified, tilting my chin up with his fingertip to look into my eyes.
He was crowding me, but not in a bad way. I never felt safer than when I was with him. I marveled at the look in his eyes, inwardly cursing myself because I had a secret I knew would ruin everything. I rubbed my lips together, trying to keep him from seeing just how torn I was apart inside. “Thank you. Where are we going?”
“Down the path to one of the lookout points.” He led the way and peered sideways at me. “You alright?”
“I’m good. It’s just been a long day.” I could tell he didn’t really believe me. In just a couple short weeks, I was already catching on to Alex’s subtle cues and expressions. But I knew I wasn’t ready to tell him the truth. Even if I could just forget about it for an hour or two, I knew I would be able to gather the courage to do so. It was inevitable, and he deserved to know. “So what is this stuff?”
“Ever heard of astrophotography?” he asked, the bags swaying as we went down the steepest curve of the path. We came to a bench and he shrugged everything off onto the concrete surface.
“I haven’t. But I’m assuming it has something to do with astronomy and photography?”
“Very good,” he winked at me. “My mom dabbled in portrait photography, but her true love was astrophotography. This is all of her stuff.”
I watched as he unzipped the camera bag. In it were an enormous digital camera and a couple different lenses. “Fancy,” I said as he began assembling what he needed.
“I’m not nearly as good at this as she was, but I’m learning.”
“So you took up riding for your dad, and photography and music for your mom?”
He stood up straight and nodded at me. “Yeah. I guess I just didn’t want their passions to disappear.” He picked up the metal contraption and unfolded it,
and I soon realized it was a tripod. He was quiet as he attached the camera to it.
I didn’t deserve to be here. Alex was letting me see this side of him: the side I couldn’t have imagined him showing anyone else unless he trusted them. It felt like he was giving me a gift I wasn’t worthy of. I took my eyes off him and sat down on the bench because my head was spinning. Sighing, I stared at the starry canopy he would be photographing. “You know, I honestly can’t think of a single hobby that my mom has ever enjoyed.” I looked at him again. “That’s pretty sad, isn’t it?”
He frowned. “It is. Is she a workaholic?”
“Very much so.”
Alex bent and looked through the viewfinder, pressing a button on a remote that was attached to the camera. The shutter clicked. He did this a few more times before changing some settings, and then he came to sit with me. “It’s on a timed exposure now,” he explained. “We’ll get some streaks from the stars. I’ll show you how it all works in a bit.”
“I bet it’ll be beautiful,” I whispered.
He nodded, resting his elbows on his knees. “I’ve always loved sitting out in the open at night, making out shapes in the stars. I couldn’t tell you what all of the constellations are though, and I’m pretty sure I’ve made most of them up . . .” he laughed. “But it’s always given me a feeling of peace. Especially these last two years.”
The breeze was cold and salty. I could hear the waves crashing, but I could only make out their silvery caps in the moonlight. The grass around us swayed. This place really should have given me peace. I was only thankful that Alex couldn’t really see my face.
I didn’t say anything, scared my voice would betray me. I wanted him to keep talking. Just the tone of his voice was soothing.
But he didn’t speak. He was content to sit with me. I wished I could say the same.
What would he say if he knew the truth? We hadn’t even discussed what this thing between us was. Was it anything? Did Alex see the kisses we had shared as something fleeting? How did I see them?
I stared down at my wringing hands. I could feel my pulse in my temples. I was exhausted, as if I had the flu, except I knew I didn’t. I had something much more life-altering.
Choice Page 12