by Elena Aitken
It had been five years since she’d dropped the stupid childhood nickname, adopted a fitness regime and lost seventy-five pounds, finding herself and a new career in the process. Early on in her transformation, Gwen decided to document everything on social media, using a blog and then a Facebook and Instagram account to chronicle her progress. The result was not only a whole new body, but also a very loyal following, commercial and marketing deals, and the potential for a book and maybe even a reality television show. She was a very different person than the sad, overweight teenager she’d been on her summer visits to see her grandma in Cedar Springs. Very different. And with women looking up to her and men lining up to date her, she no longer needed Ian McCormick to validate her worth.
But if that was true, why had her heart done a stupid little flip when he’d grabbed her bag at the bus stop? And why had her pulse raced out of control when he looked at her? How was it even possible that he could still have that effect on her after all these years?
“Gwen!”
Deanna Gordon shot out of the building across the street and without even looking, raced across the street and pulled her into a hug. “Oh my goodness, you look amazing.” Deanna held her out at arm’s length for a fraction of a second before she pulled her back into a hug. “I’m so glad you’re finally here. I was going to meet you at the bus stop—that’s crazy that your car broke down—but I got caught up with a patient and—”
“It’s okay.” Gwen finally cut her off with a laugh. “I literally only walked half a block. Don’t worry about it.”
Deanna bent down and scooped up her bag. “Is this all you have? One duffel bag? I don’t think I could travel that light if I tried.”
Gwen laughed again. “Are you kidding? The rest of my bags are coming later. I may have sweet-talked the guy at the depot to deliver them personally.”
“You did not?”
She only smiled in response. It wasn’t often that Gwen used her curves and killer smile to get her way, but sometimes she couldn’t seem to help herself. Besides, it’s not as though she did it very often.
Deanna shook her head, but her friend smiled. “Hey, if you can get away with it…why not, right?”
“Exactly. And heaven knows I haven’t always had this skill. I might as well take advantage sometimes. But don’t tell anyone, okay?”
Deanna stared at her. “Who would I tell?”
She forgot sometimes that not everyone lived their whole life online. For Gwen, it was normal to record everything, and censor anything she didn’t want getting out. It was a carefully constructed existence, one that was almost entirely public, because she’d built her following by not keeping very much private. Her readers liked to hear everything about her, including her workouts, what she had for dinner, her dates, and even more personal things about her dating habits. Not that she’d had much to report lately. She may get a lot of attention from men, but that attention disappeared pretty quickly when they found out who she was and what she did for a living.
“Forget it.” Gwen shrugged it off. “I didn’t really mean it like that. I mean…”
“I keep forgetting what you do for a living,” Deanna said. “I mean, it’s crazy to me that you can do that for a job. Oh, but I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry, Gwen. It’s just—”
“It’s fine. I totally get it. It is crazy. I’m not offended.” She decided to change tact and confide in the one person who would totally understand. “But you know what did offend me?”
Her friend froze on the sidewalk and waited.
“Ian McCormick.” She pronounced every syllable of his name with an edge.
“Ian? You saw him?”
“You know he’s here?”
Deanna blinked at her mildly before she put a smile back on her face and ushered Gwen down the sidewalk. “You know what? Let’s drop your bag off and then you can tell me all about it over a cup of coffee.”
Gwen eyed her friend and shook her head. “How about a drink?”
*
“Why didn’t you tell me Ian McCormick was here?” Gwen sat across from Deanna at her kitchen table, a glass of soda water in her hand. She’d gone for the soda, deciding against alcohol. It was her default drink, but now that she had it, she wished she’d gone for something stronger after all. Ian McCormick was in Cedar Springs. That had not been part of the plan. Not at all. Sure, whenever she thought of her summers in Cedar Springs visiting her grandma, Ian figured largely in her memory. Whether he knew it or not, his attention—or lack thereof, as was the case—had figured largely in her teenage life. She couldn’t remember a summer she hadn’t spent lusting after him. As one of the summer kids, he was kind of a celebrity among the local kids. Not that she’d been a local kid. But she also wasn’t a summer kid. Gwen had definitely floated and never really had any friends except for Deanna.
Ian had no shortage of girls after him, but he’d never wanted to date any of them.
No. That wasn’t true. He just hadn’t wanted to date her. Not that she could blame him. If she’d been a teenage boy back then, she wouldn’t have wanted to date her. Almost a hundred pounds overweight, with bad hair and glasses, she was a walking cliché. Hell, she was even more of a cliché now that she’d lost all the weight, turned her life around and was returning to her past childhood haunts. She was a made-for-TV movie, for goodness sake.
“I honestly didn’t think it mattered.” Deanna joined her at the table. “He’s a summer kid.”
“A…he’s not a kid anymore. And, B…you know he’s way more than that. He’s way more.”
Deanna almost spat out her water. “No.”
“No what?”
“No way you still have a thing for Ian McCormick.”
Gwen didn’t even have to answer that question, because the woman she’d always considered to be her best friend knew her well enough to know the answer. Or, she should have known her better than that, anyway. She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head.
“No way.” Deanna shook her head. “Gwen, how can you possibly still be hung up on him? Honestly, I thought maybe after…well…”
“We said we’d never talk about that, remember?”
The situation they were never to discuss was a moment that could have broken up their friendship forever, but the girls made a decision not to let it affect them. Even though it had been hard, very hard for Gwen. The last summer she’d come to visit, Ian had arrived earlier than he usually had and somehow, Deanna and Ian ended up together at a party where they drank too much and…Gwen didn’t like to think about it, but Deanna lost her virginity to Ian McCormick. She could have let it destroy their friendship, but Deanna felt terribly about it and she swore she’d never been more than just a friend with Ian and that’s all it would ever be.
“Still,” Deanna said. “I honestly didn’t think you’d still be thinking of him at all.”
How could she not? When they were kids, he’d actually been nice to her. He even talked to her and the conversations they had were real. Not about stupid stuff where she had to pretend to be interested in whatever football team was going to the playoffs or who got drunk at whatever party. But real stuff like what they hoped to achieve with their lives, what the future looked like and where they wanted to go to college. And besides that, he’d been so gorgeous. Correction, he was gorgeous. Maybe even more so, if that was possible.
But he still doesn’t know you’re alive, Gwen, the little voice in her head reminded her. She wasn’t more than a townie friend back then, and she was even less now.
“So, he didn’t recognize you?” Deanna changed tack. “Not that I’m surprised. You look like a totally different person. Seriously, if I didn’t know better, I wouldn’t even recognize you and we’ve been friends since…well, forever. You look crazy good.”
Gwen blushed and waved away the compliment. She couldn’t seem to get used to the attention she got from people who knew her when. It was almost easier for people to think she was just naturally thin and
fit. Except when it came to her blog. But talking about her experiences online was a totally different thing. It was safe to hide behind the screen.
In fact, throughout her transformation, it had been a sort of therapy almost. Her website was the place she went to decompress and work through all the feelings that went along with her journey.
She should blog about Ian. Why hadn’t she thought of that earlier? It made perfect sense. She could have a chance to process her feelings about seeing him again. And still being invisible. And she’d already made her summer vacation into an event. When she’d announced her plans to return to Cedar Springs, her readers had gone wild. They wrote in, offering suggestions as to how she should present her transformed self to her old friends, what she should do for a part-time job, and pretty much everything in between. It never ceased to amaze her how invested her readers were in her life and her weight loss journey. In fact, the whole returning home thing had garnered so much attention that a talent agent, Jade Johnson, had contacted Gwen about representation, a book deal, and a possible television deal. It was all too crazy to comprehend, but Gwen wasn’t about to say no.
She swallowed the rest of her water quickly. “The next one needs alcohol.”
“Really?”
Gwen nodded. “Yes. There are only sixty-four calories in vodka. And I’ll just run a few extra miles tomorrow. It’ll be worth it.”
Deanna laughed. “Sounds good. Well, not the running part. I’ll leave that up to you. But I don’t have any patients tomorrow, so I’ll have a few drinks to toast your return. I’ll get Marcus to meet us at the Grizzly Paw when he’s done up at the hill. He’ll want to meet you. I have trouble remembering that you never knew him.”
“Nope.” Gwen shook her head. “He moved here after my last summer. But it sounds like a good plan to me.” Gwen leaned down to retrieve her laptop from the bag at her feet. “But first I need to post an entry.”
“Seriously? You just got here.”
“I know.” She smiled and tried not to take offense to her friend’s expression. Ever since her blog started to get real attention and had actually started to make her money, most people had the same reaction. She’d definitely discovered that people struggled with the idea that you could actually make a living writing about your life. Hell, when the advertising offers had first started coming in, Gwen had trouble believing anyone would actually want to give her money to tell her story. “But it pays the bills, Dee. So as long as people want to read it, I’m going to write it.”
She flipped open her laptop, signed onto Deanna’s Wi-Fi and logged into her account before her fingers froze over the keys. “What do you think?” she asked her friend. “How should I write about Ian?”
“Ian?” Deanna shook her head. “You can’t. I mean, you can’t use his name or anything.”
“Oh my God. Of course not! I don’t use anyone’s real name. I don’t even say what town I’m in. That part is all anonymous. It has to be. But part of the success of everything is how real it all is. So…”
“You’re going to blog about Ian?”
Gwen nodded. There really wasn’t a question about it. In fact, she’d already kind of alluded to him in past posts as one of her catalysts for starting her weight loss journey. There was no doubt in her mind that if she’d been thin all those years ago, Ian would never have stood her up at the Summer Equinox festival. Not a chance.
“Wait.” Deanna got that look in her eye that meant she’d just figured out the connection. “You’ve already blogged about him, haven’t you?”
“You read my blog?”
Deanna gave her a look. “Of course I do. Since the beginning. And that’s when you mentioned…Ian is Mr. Summer. How did I not see that until right now?”
Gwen laughed. “I have no idea. It’s not like my feelings for him were a big secret or anything. Doesn’t everyone remember my public humiliation?”
Deanna grabbed her hand and squeezed. “Gwen, no one remembers that. I promise.”
“I remember.”
Her friend laughed a little and moved away. “You’re the only one. It wasn’t even a big deal. He just didn’t show up. It’s not important. Let it go.”
But as Deanna moved about the kitchen, cleaning up dishes and leaving Gwen to write her blog post, all she could think of was that it was important and there was no way she could let it go.
*
Dear Reader,
*
Sometimes things don’t turn out quite the way you plan…
*
If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent some time thinking about and maybe even daydreaming about how certain people from your past will react to seeing the new and healthier version of you after wronging you. Not to say that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking on this, but I’d be lying if I said I never thought of it. Of course, as I was planning my return to the town I’d spent all my summers, there was one person in particular that came to mind. Mr. Summer. Long-time readers will remember me mentioning Mr. Summer before. Every young woman—particularly those of us who’ve struggled with our body image…who hasn’t—has at least one encounter with a boy or man that has stuck with them. An encounter for better or worse that somehow shaped or defined how they thought of members of the opposite sex, and sadly, how they thought of themselves.
That was Mr. Summer. I was desperately in love with him from the summers of fourteen to eighteen. Four years of my life in which he barely knew I was alive. When he finally did notice me, he humiliated me and broke my heart.
For years, he was the star of my fantasies when I thought about returning with my new and improved self. How would he react? Would his jaw drop? Would he stumble over his words as he apologized for standing me up all those years ago? Would he beg me to give him another chance?
*
Well, readers, I can tell you that now, all these years later I finally have my answer.
None of those things happened. In fact, he didn’t even recognize me. We came eye to eye and there wasn’t even a flicker of acknowledgment in his eyes. (Which are still as dreamy as I remember.)
And now I’m here, on the eve of my first night back in town and already I’m filled with a strong sense of dissatisfaction in regards to Mr. Summer. So, obviously I cannot let a homecoming come and go without doing something about it. Or can I?
*
What do you think? Should I confront Mr. Summer and thank him for being at least one of the catalysts that spurred my life change? Or should I let it go and move on? Or maybe something different….
Chapter Two
The Grizzly Paw was so different from how she remembered it. But that was mostly because Samantha Burke, or Harrison since she got married to Trent Harrison, had taken over running the pub and restaurant from her father. She’d completely transformed the place, from what Gwen could see. No longer was it the rough watering hole where the locals hung out; it just seemed brighter somehow, and the smells coming out of the kitchen reminded Gwen that she was starving. There had definitely not been anything that yummy cooking in the Grizzly Paw kitchen the last time Gwen had been there.
“The Paw looks great,” she said to Deanna as she slid into the booth across from her friend. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think it was a totally different place.”
“It practically is. Sam has done wonders with it and don’t tell her, but I think her husband Trent had some good ideas, too. He’s one of the owners up at the new Springs resort and he definitely knows a few things about business. This entire town has come a long way ever since the resort opened. It’s like a whole new life has been breathed into everything. I think that might be why Ian McCormick is back, too.”
“Business?”
Deanna shrugged. “He mentioned something about it. I think he turned into a pretty successful businessman back in the city. But he’s always had a soft spot for Cedar Springs, so it makes sense.”
It didn’t make any sense to Gwen. She still couldn’t decide whether it was a
good or a bad thing that Ian was back in town the summer she decided to come back. Just as she knew she would, she felt better after blogging about it and judging by the binging notifications coming out of her phone, she was already getting responses to the question she’d posed. Her readers loved having feedback on her life. It made them feel involved and if she was perfectly honest, Gwen probably loved it more. It made her feel less alone knowing there were people out there who cared.
“Hey,” she said, shifting gears. “About Ian—”
“I know,” Deanna cut her off. “You blogged about him. I got the alert on my phone.”
“You subscribe to my blog?”
Deanna laughed and waved as Sam noticed them. “Of course I do. You’re my best friend. Why do I have to keep reminding you of that?” She turned and jumped out of her seat. “Sam. Look who I brought.”
“Gigi? No way!” Sam dropped the menus she was carrying onto the table.
“You recognized me?”
Sam shrugged. “Dee told me you were coming.” Gwen got up and met Sam in a big hug. “But seriously, you look amazing!”
“I go by Gwen now,” she said. “And…thank you! It’s so good to see you and this place….” She waved her arms around when Sam released her. “It’s incredible. You’ve done such a great job here.”