by Jolene Perry
I just need more space. Somewhere I can breathe.
“Delia. What the hell is going on?” Dad’s voice booms out behind me.
“He told you, Daddy.” I turn and put on my best sweet smile. “He had to go.”
In a move I don’t think I’ve ever done before, I push my way around Dad and head for the stairs. Instead of making everything better, I’ve made it all worse.
Tobin and I are in a fight—or a continuation of the year-old fight. Though, it all had to come out at some point if we’re going to see each other. Weston’s pissed at me, and Dad’s anger is brewing downstairs. If he doesn’t have it out with me tonight, tomorrow’s really going to suck.
I suddenly feel this urgency to fix it. All of it. I can’t be with Weston, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t know how he helped me, how important he was. How he was my friend when I needed one, and my support in the whole new world Dad dragged me into.
And I’ll also need to talk to Dad, but I don’t even know how to start that, yet.
But Tobin. That’s something I might be able to fix. Or maybe it’s just the thing I’m most desperate to fix. We might not be together, but I can’t take it if we’re not friends. I can’t be okay if Tobin isn’t in my life somehow.
I loved him so much. Love him. There’s no way I can tell myself it’s not still there—it’s just that there’s this huge mess in the way. Like all the power behind how I felt for him changed when he hurt me, made me mad, and now, being around him again, it’s changing back.
A shiver runs through me as I think about the night at the cabin. THE night at the cabin. The first of many. The first where we…My cheeks heat up at the thought of it. Of him.
***
I stood backwards on the ladder and he came up a step so our feet were on the same rung, still underwater. He looked down at me with his deep brown eyes, making my heart beat like crazy.
“A kiss for a kiss?” he asked like always.
I clutched the ladder with all my strength, leaned forward and touched our lips together. He let me move away before leaning in to give me the same soft kiss I’d just given him. Something was different. Something I couldn’t put my finger on.
“Another kiss for a kiss?” I asked, already feeling out of breath. The heat from his body kept me warm as the breeze drifted across the lake.
He leaned in first this time, and parted his lips just slightly, just enough that I wanted to kiss him harder, deeper, to taste the beer and lake water and whatever else made Tobin taste like Tobin. When I kissed him back, I wasn’t as careful.
There was no kiss for a kiss. I couldn’t back myself away from him if I’d wanted to.
By the time we did break away, I was out of breath, and he’d nearly fallen off the ladder.
“You are one dangerous girl, Delia Gentry.” He grabbed me by the waist and hoisted me onto the dock.
I realized as my bum hit the boards, once again in just my bra and panties that I trusted Tobin. I trusted his eyes, and I trusted his kiss.
“Wanna go inside?” he asked.
Something was definitely different. The air between us tense and intense and charged with a million things I wanted to feel around Tobin forever.
I stood up on the dock. He gathered our things, and carried them toward the door of the small cabin. This cabin that had been abandoned long ago by strangers that we’d claimed as ours.
The moment we stepped inside I forced myself to speak. “My wet clothes for yours?”
I swear I heard the air leave his lungs as he turned to face me. “You sure?”
“You chicken?”
He dropped our dry clothes on the floor and carefully pulled me toward him. I pushed down on his boxers, and he unsnapped my bra, and then after a few really deep breaths, I pulled off my panties while he watched, jaw slack, and I laid down on the bed, pretending to be way braver than I felt.
He scrambled out of his soaked boxers, and crawled onto the mattress. His body was on me, the weight of him warming me in a way I’d never experienced before, and it was like he already couldn’t catch his breath. Or maybe that was me. Both of us probably.
He was propped on his elbows, keeping most of his weight off of me. “Are you scared?”
“No,” I lied.
“Well I am.” His eyes never wavered from mine. “I promise, I’ll—”
I cut him off with my lips. I know he was worried about being my first. He had told me so. There were so many times he had put off us being together no mater how badly I could tell he wanted me.
I loved him. I trusted him. And I wanted him.
***
As much as part of me wants to slide out the window, drop and run, I slide in to my blankets and just wish for a good night’s sleep. Actually, if I’m making wishes, I wish to wake up in the morning knowing exactly what I need to do, but I can’t imagine that’ll happen. Instead I wonder if Tobin’s finding any amount of peace tonight.
Twenty-Two
Tobin
“Thanks for everything, man,” I say to Nelson. I pick up a pile of empty cups and toss them into a garbage bag.
“Hey, that’s nothing, Tobin. We miss Eamon, too,” he says.
“Tobin, please call us if you need something, we love you,” Leslie says. She stands on her tip toes to kiss my cheek.
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“You thinking about her?” Leslie asks.
“Thinking about who?” I ask. The girl I’ve never been able to erase from my thoughts? That one?
“Oh please, I saw the way you guys looked at each other earlier.”
“She was just helping me with some ice. Don’t make it into something its not. Besides, I don’t have feelings for her anymore.” I shake my head and stuff a few more cups into the garbage bag.
She shakes her head.
“Tobin, you were in love with that girl,” Leslie says. “You haven’t just forgotten all of that. You should see her again. It might do you some good to get a little closure.”
I stare up at the sky. Waiting for all of the answers to fall from it is futile, but right now, it’s all I’ve got. I don't have any idea what to do about anything.
“Yeah, well, it’s easy to throw out advice when it’s someone else’s life,” I say.
She gives me a small nod and a quick smile that says she’s going to drop it.
“Hey, are you going to be okay to drive home?” Leslie asks.
“I’m good. I haven’t had anything to drink tonight, but I’m staying here at the cabin anyway.” I point to the small abandoned cabin behind us. It’s no bigger than my bedroom at home, but it was the perfect size to spend a night alone…or with someone you loved. I still hadn’t decided if it was stupid not to have chased after Delia earlier. God, I’d missed the feeling of her mouth on mine. I shake my head to clear the memory and say the rest of my goodbyes. But it’s not that easy. This place is full of memories of her.
I flung her onto the makeshift bed and inched up the length of her body. Taking my time, touching every inch of skin, kissing every flawless curve.
There were so many nights that we spent here together. But that first one, I didn’t see that one coming. I’d never been scared to be with a woman before, but Delia, the thought of being with her, well, I was nervous. Nervous I’d hurt her. That it wouldn’t live up to whatever she had in her head. Nervous that she’d freak out afterward. Nervous that I’d fuck it all up.
I’d never been with someone that I loved before. Shit, I’d never even been a girl’s first. It was moments like that that made Delia’s father’s words ring true. There was no way that I was good enough for her. I didn’t deserve to be touching her. Loving her. It didn’t help that that night we’d gotten into our first and only real fight. It was the night of that damn fundraiser. Such a ridiculous affair it seemed fit for a movie, not real life.
***
The Crawford Country Club was never my scene, but especially not on that night, when the place was packed full of
deep pocketed politicians and their supporters, who all couldn’t wait to get in line to kiss Delia’s father’s ass and make him the next Louisiana Senator. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t swipe a couple of flutes of champagne when no one was looking. I needed something to calm my nerves in this place. Why had I let Delia talk me into this? Sure she did things with me and my family, but we weren’t like the Gentry’s.
We all hung out on the river, barbequed, drank beer and got too loud. We didn’t put on a big show like this. I was already on edge and out of place when Mr. Gentry started walking toward us.
“Tobin, so nice of you to accompany Delia tonight,” he said.
I smiled a thin, tight smile, knowing that he was completely full of shit. He couldn’t stand me.
“Delia, you look beautiful as always,” he said. “Tobin, son, I assume you won’t mind me borrowing my daughter for a moment. I’ve got someone I want to introduce her to.”
I nodded as he led her away from me. Did I mind? If I did, it wouldn't matter. I never had a choice when it came to her dear old dad. It did give me the opportunity to grab another glass of liquid courage, though.
Across the room, I watched Mr. Gentry introduce Delia to a guy. He looked about my age. Delia tugged on her bangs, looking flustered and uncomfortable.
She glanced over her shoulder at me. “Sorry,” she mouthed.
All I could do was shrug. I wasn’t stupid. I knew exactly what her father was doing. Trying to find a replacement for me. Trying to find someone suitable. Someone worthy of his precious daughter.
The discomfort I felt quickly grew into anger when her father walked off, leaving Delia with the stranger. I watched them laugh together. He touched her elbow and my skin prickled with irritation. She didn’t shrug away from his touch, and I think that’s what made me the most upset. Sure he wanted to touch her. I bet every man in this room wanted to. The point was she shouldn’t have been so comfortable with it. Or maybe that was just the bubbly talking.
“Sorry about that, you know my dad, he just can’t help himself,” She tried to link her arm through mine when she came back a few minutes later, but I shrugged it off.
“May be an inherited trait.”
She pulled her brows together in confusion.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked.
I sighed. “Nothing, you just didn’t look too bothered by him.”
“Oh Tobin, you’re being ridiculous.”
I felt then like I was so childish. Such a bother to her.
“Maybe that’s all I am. Maybe that’s all we are. Just ridiculous,” I said.
“You really want to do this? You’re just letting my father win if you do.” Her lips pressed tightly together. Delia might not agree with her father, but she was an expert at playing his games. She knew how to put on a smile for show and if I was going to be with her, I knew that I was going to have to learn to do the same.
She reached over and grasped my hand. I leaned down and kissed her on top of her head.
“So, about that swim later,” I said with a smile.
“Funny thing about that,” she whispered. “I didn’t bring a swimsuit.”
“That’s never been a problem before,” I said. “Tell you what, you don’t wear yours, I won’t wear mine.”
“You’re making some tough deals tonight, Mr. LeJeune. I think these guys might be rubbing off on you.” She laughed and stood on her tiptoes to kiss me.
***
The fire is dwindling, so I kick some sand into it and watch the flames slowly disappear. Unable to breathe. Choking. Like I’ve felt the last few days. I close my eyes and I’m back at the Country Club.
***
“So, do you have plans after this? I thought maybe we could go find something to do together?” The strange guy said. I had gone to get our coats and neither Delia, nor the tuxedo-wearing-jackass knew I’d come back and was standing right behind them.
“No, sorry. I’ve got plans. And um, also, I’m seeing someone,” Delia said.
“Seeing someone, or seriously seeing someone?” He laughed. He thought he was so clever. I worked my jaw back and forth, my anger rising by the second.
“It’s pretty serious.” Delia let out a soft laugh. You could tell that she was uncomfortable but didn’t want to be rude.
“That’s not what your dad said.” He reached out and touched her waist. The way that I would. The way that no one else should.
Delia raised an eyebrow, looking equal parts annoyed and surprised.
That was it. I rounded the large row of potted plants and clutched her hand.
“Tobin, hey,” Delia said.
“I’ve got your coat, let’s go.” I admit, my tone was harsh when I grabbed her hand and tried to pull her away. I probably looked like the asshole jealous boyfriend, and I sort of was right then.
“Okay, sure.” She nodded. “It was nice meeting you, what did you say your name was again?” I was ticked off at her politeness. I just wanted to leave already.
“Russell. Russell Gautreaux,” he said. He flashed an arrogant smile directed at me when he said, “And Delia, let me know if you ever change your mind.”
I didn’t even think about it. I just reacted. With jealousy. And anger. And annoyance at Delia’s father, and at her unwavering manners. It only took an instant for my fist to connect with his jaw, and for Russell Gautreaux to be laid out on the ballroom floor. He rubbed his chin and blinked over and over again, like he was in shock.
“Tobin, what the hell?” Delia whispered loudly. She smacked me on the arm with her small clutch of a purse and then started dragging me to the exit.
A ring of people had already gathered around Russell. The older women shook their heads at me like I was a pariah as we made our way out the doors.
“He shouldn’t have acted like that. He shouldn’t have put his hands on you,” I said. I unlocked the passenger door to my truck for her and held it open.
“I’m not getting in there until you apologize.”
I laughed. “Apologize for what?”
“Tobin, I don’t need you to look out for me. I don’t need you to protect me—”
“Well too bad. I’m going to do those things whether you like it or not, Delia.”
“And I certainly don’t need you beating someone up for me. I can’t believe you did this. Here. Those people paid two grand a plate and you caused the biggest scene ever. They will never stop talking about this!”
She was shivering. I was still holding her coat.
“I’m not going to apologize for hitting that creep, D.” I draped the long black coat over her shoulders.
“Of course you’re not. You don’t even see what you did. You’re just begging my father to hate you even more by doing things like that. Is that what you want?”
I stood there staring at her. What the fuck did she want me to say? The guy had it coming. Any normal person would’ve done the same thing.
“You know Tobin, I’ve stood in between you and my dad for months now,” she said.
“I never asked you to do that.”
“Yeah, and I never asked you to go ape shit on some guy at my father’s party!” She so rarely swore that I couldn’t help but smile. “The point is, no matter what my dad has ever said about you, how you aren’t good enough, or this—this trying to set me up with someone else—I’ve never,” she said. She stopped and stared down at her hands.
“Just say it, Delia.”
“I’ve never been embarrassed to be with you until tonight. I can’t believe you did this.”
She turned and started to walk away.
“D, I’m sorry!” I apologized.
Too late.
She was gone.
***
I thought she was done with me for good. That was the first time I’d ever apologized for something that I wasn’t truly sorry for to anyone but my mama—and then, it was only because I was going to get the belt if I didn’t.
I drove out to
the lake because I was too riled up to go home. I didn’t want to have to explain to Eamon what had happened. I knew he’d say he told me so. And he did. Repeatedly.
***
“An olive branch for an olive branch?” she asked. I didn’t hear her coming. She was barefoot, holding her black shoes in one hand.
“Jesus, I’m sorry, Delia.” I jumped up and pulled her into my arms.