by Kate Douglas
The choice was his to make. Claiming them meant dealing with the fact that he could never see their future, and had to live day to day knowing that to lose them would rip the heart beating from his chest. But, hell, he already hurt so badly he could barely breathe, and he hadn’t even lost them yet.
No, he planned to throw them away. He winced, but made himself face that reality. For a man who didn’t lie to himself, he’d sold himself a lot of half-truths lately. The meager contact he would have offered Alex would have been an insult to a boy who’d become a son.
And Chloe deserved far better than he’d given her the past week. She’d kick his ass for not calling her, for avoiding her. For avoiding himself. For failing to be honest with her about loving her so much it was like a hammer blow to the heart. He knew she wouldn’t blame him for all the other failures he’d seen in himself lately, and while he might never agree with her on that score, he knew she’d be hurt by this failure.
But going to her now to make things right, being honest, giving her everything, was a risk. Because he knew exactly how it would feel if he risked it all and lost again.
He’d been right—he couldn’t do it. Not to them, not to himself. He couldn’t walk away. To do so would be the biggest lie of all. The whole truth was he couldn’t live without them, no matter how bad it scared him, no matter how much it could cost him in the end. Having them now was worth it.
Loving them was worth it.
17
Whatever had remained of boyhood was gone from Alex’s eyes. A threshold had been crossed, and it couldn’t be uncrossed. Far too early, the boy had become a man, the last of his childhood stripped away.
Chloe ached to see that knowledge in his gaze, but the pain was tempered by the understanding that events could have turned out so much worse than they had. She had survived and so had Alex. Even Tess, for all the pain she had to deal with, was alive and would recover someday. She had a life ahead of her, even if it wasn’t the life she’d expected.
As Chloe and Millie stepped further into the wolf’s hospital room, Chloe watched him hang up the phone, and pointedly didn’t let herself think of the still absent Merek and Luca. Every day that passed with no word made her heart hurt.
Millie caught her hand, somehow sensing she needed the supportive gesture. It had been an eventful week since Chloe had been discharged. Ophelia and she were staying at her aunt’s mansion in Upper Queen Anne for the time being, and Millie’s bodyguard / chauffeur Philip insisted on driving Chloe anywhere she needed to go. All of it was more for her aunt’s peace of mind than anything else. If this nightmare had proved anything to Chloe, it was that she was resilient enough to cope with whatever life threw at her.
“Excuse me.” A nurse pushed past them both to check Alex’s charts and draw a vial of his blood.
He gave the woman a tolerant stare while she stuck him. He’d had to deal with more needles in the last week than anyone should have to in a lifetime, but since he was the one person who had ever received Chloe’s treatment for full moon madness, he’d become an instant science project. Desmodus Industries had offered Chloe her old position back, at twice the salary and research funds, so she was carefully monitoring everything the hospital was doing to Alex, but enough was enough. She was taking him home in the morning.
Ushering Millie into a chair beside the wolf’s bed, she waited for Nurse Needle to take herself off. Alex brushed at his arm, the small puncture already fading to nothing. “From Desmodus intern to Desmodus lab rat.”
“Please. We both know you only took that internship with me to be closer to your dad.” Chloe crossed her arms on top of the bed railing, ignoring Alex’s slight flinch at the mention of his father. “We need to talk.”
“About what?” His voice clearly said he didn’t care, which both worried her and made her want to shake him. It would take time, she knew, but she hated seeing him so shut down.
“The future, young man. Your future, to be precise,” Millie snapped tartly. She plopped her purse in her lap and reclined in her chair. “What we’re going to do with you.”
He frowned at the older woman. “I don’t understand.”
Chloe opened her mouth to explain gently, but Millie beat her to speech. Her tone managed to be both kind and acerbic. “Your parents are both gone, and as far as we know, there are no other relatives to claim you.”
Bleakness entered his gaze, and he focused on the wall across from him, cleared his throat. “No, there’s no one.”
“Okay.” Chloe caught his hand in hers, squeezed until he looked at her. “I’ve already had Aunt Millie’s lawyer start taking care of the paperwork so I can adopt you.”
“You . . . What?” For the first time in days, she saw real emotion cross his face. Stunned was a good word for it. He blinked, shook his head. “You’ve been looking out for me the last few weeks, yeah, but adoption is permanent.”
“Thanks for that news flash,” she replied.
He snorted. “You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I do.” And it hurt that he’d assumed after all they’d been through that she’d just let him be lost in the foster care system. The damage Ivan had done to this boy was inexcusable, making him believe he was so disposable. In his obsessed drive to assure that his son didn’t die like his wife, Ivan had missed out on the only years he would have had with his child. So much ugliness and grief, and in the end it had all come to rest on Alex’s doorstep.
“It’s not really kosher for a non-wolf to adopt a wolf.” His words were a protest, but he tightened his grip on her hand to an almost painful degree, his desperation so clear it made her want to pick him up and hug him like she had when he was a toddler.
“I’m your godmother. Your parents named me your guardian if anything should ever happen to them. And something happened to them.” She tossed her head. “So, fuck ‘kosher.’ ”
“Well, all right.” His free hand lifted to rub his nose. “If you’re sure.”
“I’m one hundred percent sure.” She nodded firmly, wrapping both her hands around his.
“What about Merek?”
She twitched her shoulders in a shrug, not meeting his eyes for the first time. “I don’t know. He’s off doing his cop thing, and I haven’t seen or heard from him.”
“He’s called me a few times, just to check in.”
“Ah.” That piece of news just twisted the knife already lodged firmly in her heart. “Well, then. I’m guessing that means he’s not part of a package deal for adoption. It’s just you and me, kid. I’m sure he’ll keep in touch with you, though.”
Alex looked pained, but didn’t reply, and Chloe was grateful for the silence. There really were no words to make this better. Nothing could.
The boy cleared his throat twice, glanced away, sighed and then managed to meet her eyes.
“Merek . . . ah . . . asked me to tell you that Smith was killed today. It’s over.” Alex tried for an encouraging smile, but didn’t quite make it. “He’ll be back home soon.”
“Well, that’s a relief.” Millie spoke up; her hazel eyes had a steely glint that should have worried Chloe, but she was too deep in heartache to care.
Chloe knew Merek had contacted his partner, Alex, and Millie in the last week, but not her. That answered a final question, didn’t it? She wanted to track the man down and beg him to give them another chance, but then wanted to beat herself for her own neediness. He knew better than anyone else except her aunt how damaged she was and how that made her reach for comfort in the middle of the night. He knew if he stuck around she’d turn clingy and pathetic.
He’d walked when he’d had the chance at a clean break, and she couldn’t even blame him.
With his control issues, watching them be kidnapped and almost killed while he was shot and unable to do anything to save them would have been his very worst nightmare come true. Again.
If anyone understood that, it was her. Even with all she’d been through, she was still uneasy with the dark
. She didn’t think she’d ever conquer that. If Merek was there, it was bearable, but he wouldn’t be ever again. The sooner she accepted that, the sooner she could get back to coping with the normalcy of her life.
It hurt. Gods, but it hurt worse than anything she could ever have imagined. She wanted to curl into a little ball and scream with the pain of it. If she had thought it would help, she might have done it, but it wouldn’t. Nothing would. Like all the other tragedies in her life, she’d just have to endure. Someday it would get better. It might take years, but it would get better. If she didn’t believe that, she might just collapse from the agony eating away at her soul.
Focusing on something else would help. She had Alex to distract her. Tess’s recovery. Work, with its ongoing research. Even Millie and Philip and Ophelia would divert her. Surviving the nights alone in her bed would be her own cross to bear.
She offered Millie and Alex the best smile she could. “I’m going to head over and get my house ready for us. Alex will be released in the morning, and I think it’s past time we both went home.”
The house was pristine, Alex’s room was ready for him, Ophelia had settled in like a queen, and Chloe was about to crawl the walls. She had to get out. Twelve hours of darkness and alone time stood between her and when she went to pick up her godson. She thought about using her research as an excuse and going down to the hospital to check in on Tess and him, but they’d both know something was wrong.
Because she was the biggest masochist on the planet, and because she needed some closure on her relationship with Merek, she put on a slinky dress and took a cab to Sanguine. The place where she’d met her warlock. It seemed a fitting place to say good-bye.
She called Alex and Tess on the way to say good night, then called Millie to let her know where she was headed just in case she was needed for something. Plus, she was going out alone, so it seemed like a good idea to inform someone.
Closing her cell phone, she slipped it into her evening bag and walked into the noise and music that was Sanguine. Dropping her purse on the bar, she slid onto a tall stool and crossed her legs. The place was just as she remembered it, dim lighting, scarred wooden bar, lots of Magickals dancing, drinking, and looking for some play. She nodded when the bartender approached. “What can I get you?”
Just to torture herself a little more, she met the other woman’s gaze and asked, “Got anything with honey in it?”
The bartender tilted her head, considering. “I can do a Honnessey or a Honey Bee for you.”
“What’s the difference?” Not that Chloe cared. If it had alcohol and she could toast to her shattered heart, she was game. At the moment, she was more than ready to drown her sorrows. Tomorrow was soon enough for her to be strong and responsible and parental for Alex.
“One has Hennessey; the other has rum. Twist of lemon, little bit of honey.” The bartender flashed a fanged grin. Vampire. “Pick your poison.”
“I’ll take the Honnessey.” And, because Chloe really intended to earn her masochist stripes tonight, she said, “Put a little more honey in it than usual.”
“Coming right up.”
She dropped a twenty on the bar. “Thanks.”
“No problem.” The other woman scooped up the bill, went to the cash register, and brought back change. “I’ve seen that look before. Worn it a time or two myself.”
Chloe’s grin was weak, but at least she managed a smile at all. She tried to tell herself every day would get better, get easier, but she didn’t think it would be that simple. She’d always been so careful in her relationships to not get in too deep, to not need too much. Now that she’d fallen and fallen hard, it was going to take a long time to recover. She couldn’t even imagine a relationship after Merek. It made her stomach cramp to consider it.
The bartender slid a drink in front of her and then kindly left her to her misery. Closing her eyes, Chloe took the first sip, let the honey roll over her tongue along with the sharp bite of alcohol.
Gods, just the flavor of it warmed the pit of her belly, and still managed to make her insides ache with longing. She sighed, her breath ruffling the surface of the liquid. Taking a couple of deep chugs, she welcomed the burn. A final toast. To her great fall. It had hurt when she’d crash-landed, but she’d survive. She’d survived a lot lately, so she knew this wouldn’t kill her. She’d pick up the pieces and move on, but for a long, long time this would be a gaping wound within her.
The chorus of voices in her head began to murmur. Merek. merek. MEREK.
As if she needed her clairaudience’s reminder of why she was here. Ignoring the mental noise, she took the final swig of her drink and looked up to motion for the bartender. “Can I get another one?”
“Actually, she’s just about to leave, so she doesn’t need anything.” Merek’s sub-bass voice managed to cut through the din of music. “Can you close out her tab?”
The vampire shook her head, flashing a wary look at Merek. “That was her first drink, and she paid cash for it.”
“Great. Thanks.” He closed his fingers around Chloe’s arm and tugged her off of her stool; the neon lights emphasized the angles of his face and the harshness of his expression. He didn’t appear at all happy. “Come on, Chloe.”
Looked like she wasn’t going to avoid the Dear Jane talk. He’d just wanted to dump her in person instead of over the phone. She sighed and left a generous tip on the bar. “Thanks for the drink.”
“Come back any time.” A bit of sympathy shone in the other woman’s gaze as she glanced between Chloe and Merek.
“I will.” Though she knew she wouldn’t. After tonight, she’d never be able to come back here. It would remind her too much of Merek, and after the closing discussion they were about to have, one more reminder of him would just be too much for her.
The bright streetlights outside illuminated his face better than the neon inside. He looked like hell. His eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot, and though he appeared clean and healthy, his clothes were ripped and stained with things she didn’t even want to identify. He looked like he hadn’t shaved in days, and lines of exhaustion carved grooves beside his eyes and mouth.
He was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen.
And he wasn’t for her. Not anymore. She looked anywhere except at him as he escorted her to his car and helped her in. The moment he slid into the driver’s seat, she rushed into speech. “Alex and Tess are doing well.”
He cleared his throat. “I know. I called.”
“Alex said you’d checked in on him.” The words were stilted, painful. He hadn’t called her, hadn’t cared to find out if she was all right. So, why did he have to put her through this? The answer would splinter her into a million unrecognizable pieces, and after all the upheaval of these last weeks, she just wasn’t brave enough to ask. It wasn’t like him to be cruel, but he’d want to make sure it was okay to stay in touch with Alex. Her stomach clenched into a hard knot. That was something Merek would do—he was too good a man to lead her on or to abandon a boy who worshipped him.
He controlled the car with his characteristic quiet competence as he navigated the streets on the way to her house. “Alex said you’re adopting him.”
“Yeah.” She stared out the windshield, but managed a small smile. “I sicced my Aunt Millie’s evil lawyer on the All-Magickal Council to get it pushed through as soon as possible.”
“The adoption people aren’t going to know what hit them.” Listening to him in the dark was so familiar, so sweet and good she wanted to cry. Instead, she straightened her spine and clenched her fingers around her evening bag.
“As long as I get what I want, they can have a little tailspin hissy fit over it.”
He snorted. “Why am I not surprised?”
“I’m a Standish. Why would anyone be surprised?” A sigh of relief eased out of her when they pulled up to the curb in front of her house. Thank the gods. She could escape soon.
“Are you going to look at me?” His deep
voice was low and strained.
She hummed in her throat because she had no idea how to answer that. The fact that he hadn’t called her was like a spreading bruise inside her, so she chose silence over accusations or tears. How could they have been together for weeks yet he didn’t care enough to check in with her? Selina or Alex or Millie or even the hospital staff would have told him she was alive, but that wasn’t the same as talking to her and finding out how she was really doing.
Sucking in a deep breath, she focused on his hands on the steering wheel because she couldn’t meet those gray eyes. “Okay, here it is. I’m adopting Alex, but I want you to feel comfortable being involved in his life. I know you love him, and he adores you, so even though this—” she waved a hand between them “—isn’t going anywhere, I don’t want you to think I’m going to try to keep you and Alex apart. I wouldn’t do that.”
“I know you wouldn’t.” He swallowed twice, his knuckles white as he gripped the wheel. “I guess . . . that answers all the questions I had then.”
“Well . . . good. I’m glad we got that settled.” She fumbled for her door handle, her belly twisting so hard she thought she might puke. That confirmed that, didn’t it? Game over. All he wanted from her now was Alex. She was safe; his duty was done, so this thing between them was done, too. She tried to tell herself it was what she’d expected all along, that she was ready for the pain, but she was wrong. It was crippling, blinding.
“Settled . . . yeah.” He turned off the car, let go of the wheel, got out, and came around to open her door for her. She leaped away from his helping hand and scurried along in front of him as he walked her up the steps to her door. The last thing she wanted was for him to touch her. She’d break down and just lose it all over him.
She straightened her shoulders, unlocked her front door, and tossed her purse on the small table in the entryway. Turning to face him, she stood in the open door so it was clear he wasn’t invited in. They could finish this little chat outside. She just prayed her voice didn’t shake when she spoke. “Was there anything else you needed before you left?”