by Kate Douglas
His stomach heaved, and he swallowed the acrid bile that burned the back of his throat.
“Adam.”
Max’s head came up at the single word from Barrett. He rose to his feet, his gaze locking on the doctor coming down the hall toward them. The man looked haggard, his face ashen, his eyes bloodshot. He looked like someone who’d fought a war. And lost.
No. Please, God, no. He couldn’t survive this again. Not again. Not Kira. Ice froze the blood in Max’s veins and he swayed on his feet. The world tilted in front of him and a roaring filled his ears even though he needed to hear what the doctor had to say. His life depended on it.
He caught his hands on his knees before he slammed face first into the linoleum. The next thing he knew, Elan was on one side and Barrett on the other, each pushing him back into the chair and shoving his head between his knees.
“Are you all right?” Adam’s quiet voice sounded right in front of him, and Max looked up to meet the man’s dark eyes.
“I don’t know. Am I?” Because God knew, he’d never be all right again if Kira hadn’t survived. And he’d been too gutless to tell her he loved her. His heart stopped as he waited for the other man to speak.
The doctor crouched in front of him, his serious expression breaking into a smile of pure triumph. “It was rough, but she pulled through.”
A joyful cry spilled from Rhiannon and echoed through the small cluster of Guards. Max just dropped his head between his knees and laced his fingers through his hair. Thank you.
He sent the telepathic thought out, and he wasn’t even sure to whom. His brother for getting Kira here in time, Adam for doing what the human doctors couldn’t, God for not taking her away. Gratitude flooded him, making his heart thud painfully in his chest. Moisture burned his lids, and he sucked in a deep, calming breath.
Elan’s hand squeezed his shoulder in support. “When can we see her?”
“She’s sleeping right now, but give her an hour or so and she should be just fine.”
“And we can take her back to San Amaro then?” Rhiannon flopped onto the floor next to Adam in a very unqueenly manner. “She’s fine, just like that?”
“Just like that. It took a lot of energy transfer to get her to shift forms, but she did, and now she’s fine. Exhausted, but fine.”
“You’re exhausted.” Barrett spoke up for the first time, his fingers digging into Adam’s shoulder.
Adam met the blond man’s gaze for long moments, and Max could almost sense the telepathy flowing back and forth between them. Finally, Adam simply nodded. “Yes. I’m exhausted.”
“Let’s get some coffee. The shit they have in the cafeteria shouldn’t kill you, and it’s caffeinated.” Barrett stood and offered his hand.
Adam grabbed the Guard’s forearm and allowed himself to be hauled to his feet. He glanced back at Max before he walked away. “Give her an hour and she’s all yours.”
The words snapped something inside Max’s head. She wasn’t all his, and she never would be. For all the reasons that hadn’t changed and never would. Guilt went crashing through him, and along with it, a sense of inadequacy unlike anything he’d ever known. Not even his father had brought him so low. He had done nothing to save her. Elan had. Adam had.
Max had been good for nothing.
Except killing the shooter.
Because that was all he was good for.
“Energy transfer.” Rhiannon refolded her legs, wiggling around as though she could find a comfortable position on the cold tile floor. “Maybe it’s because I haven’t even had a whole year being Between, but the idea of transferring your energy to someone else is just so ... weird to me. Still. Maybe it always will be.” She met Max’s eyes. “That’s what Elan did to keep her alive until we could land here.”
“Don’t try it yourself, baby.” Elan’s voice deepened to a low growl. “It takes training and skill you don’t have. You could drain yourself of energy until you couldn’t shift to a solid form.”
She shivered. “I don’t want to try it. But I would if I had to. If there was no one who knew how and you or Max or Kira or Genesee were dying ... you can bet your ass I’d try.”
He opened his mouth as if he were going to argue, but then sighed. “I know you would.”
The sparkle of good humor in Rhiannon’s gaze made Elan grin and shake his head. She rose gracefully to her feet and dusted her pants off. “While we’re waiting, I’m going to run down to get some of that battery-acid coffee. You guys want me to bring you back some?”
“Yeah, bring some for both of us.” Elan’s hand squeezed the back of Max’s neck, and he nodded to a couple of Guards to go with his wife. “Thanks, baby.”
She bent forward and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “No problem. Back soon.”
The moment she’d gone, Elan’s fingers tightened on Max’s nape. “What are you thinking? It’s not like you to be silent.”
Max snorted and pulled away from his brother’s grip. “I’m not always a loudmouth.”
“I never said you were.” The older man’s words were quiet and measured. “I know you, Max. I know all your secrets and you know mine. So, I have to wonder why you’re getting defensive when all I asked was what’s on your mind.”
The truth burst out of him, a dam rupturing deep within. “I’m not good enough for her.”
“What? What’s this?” Elan reared back, then hissed. “Since when have you let something that stupid crawl into your head?”
“Since always.”
“And always started ... when, exactly?”
“Shit, Elan.” Max shoved his fingers through his hair. “You know when.”
“Father.”
“Yeah.” He let his arm drop and sighed, feeling more defeated than he ever had in his life. “She deserves better. She deserves. . . Hell, I don’t know. You. A king. Whatever she wants.”
His brother made a disgusted noise. “Kira wouldn’t be a queen if you paid her. She’d hate every second of it, and she and I have never felt that way about each other. She’s like my sister—she sees me like a brother.”
“I know that.” Now, anyway. A couple of weeks ago, he’d have argued differently.
“So, what’s the problem? She doesn’t want a king. After Seaton was done with her, she probably thinks she isn’t worthy of one anyway. It’s above her place.” Elan’s voice took on a remarkably accurate Seaton-like English accent. “And even that was bullshit. She’s good enough for whomever she wants and so are you. You want each other. It’s done. It was done years ago, but the two of you are stubborn asses.”
“You’re one to speak, brother.”
He snorted. “Yeah, well. I didn’t say I wasn’t stubborn, I said you were.”
“I’m a killer.” Max swallowed past the huge lump that stuck in his throat. “She deserves better.”
Settling back in his chair, Elan hitched his ankle onto his knee. “You’ve killed people before, yes. A few times because I ordered it. Does that make me worse for asking my little brother to do my dirty work for me?”
“You’re a good man. A great man.”
“I feel the same way about you, Max. You left San Amaro and made a life for yourself that was just your own. I just took on the family’s issues. Business and government.” He gestured down at himself, at his expensive clothing. “None of this is mine—I wasn’t the first and I won’t be the last. I admire the hell out of you for breaking out and making your own way.”
Max stared blankly at his brother, unable to take in everything he’d said. Max was the screwup. Always had been, always would be. The thug. The weapon.
This was one thing he’d never talked about with Elan. A part of him hadn’t wanted confirmation that his older brother—his only real family—agreed with their father’s assessment. He wouldn’t be as cruel about it, but he also wouldn’t lie. And Max hadn’t wanted the truth.
He swallowed hard. “She could have died. Like Michelle.”
“Yes, she co
uld have.” His brother pulled in a slow breath, and when his spoke, his tone was considering. “What happens to us in life leaves scars. For Between, those scars are just inside. It doesn’t mean they aren’t there just because the magic heals the outer marks. What happened with Michelle, how we grew up with Father, leaving home to make your way among humans, coming back and cleaning up the messes of our entire race ... all of those things left their marks on your soul, Max. It doesn’t make you a better or worse person than anyone else. We all have those marks. We do the best we can from one day to the next. That’s all we can do, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.” A huge weight crumbled away from Max. The relief was staggering. He’d had been carrying it around for so long he hadn’t even noticed it until it was gone. Elan was right. Kira was right. He’d used his father’s opinion of him to color everything around him. He’d let that keep him from getting over Michelle’s death. It had taken learning to love again to see it.
Elan crossed his arms over his broad chest. “So, is the best you can do running from a living, breathing woman who loves you?”
“No.” The best he could do was love her back, hold on tight, and pray he could keep her safe. Though she’d kick his ass for thinking he needed to protect her. He grinned for the first time in what felt like forever.
Kira opened her eyes to a familiar face. “What’s up, Doc?”
Her voice was scratchy and weak to her ears, and she realized she was ferociously thirsty. Dead people didn’t feel anything, and she felt like shit warmed over, so she was definitely not dead.
Adam groaned. “You really need to find a more original line.”
A plastic cup with a straw appeared in front of her, and she latched on to suck down the cool ambrosia. The water flooded her mouth and moistened her parched throat. She drained the glass before she sank back against the pillows, shaking but replete. “I feel like someone took a baseball bat to me.”
“Getting shot and almost bleeding out will do that to you.” His voice was weary, and she looked at him more carefully. He looked like she felt.
“You helped me to shift.”
He nodded, picked up her medical chart, and started reading it. “Yeah. Elan got you here alive, the human doctors got the bullet out and managed to stop the bleeding, and I got you to shift. If any one of those things hadn’t happened, we’d be attending your funeral this week.”
The air seeped out of her lungs. “I was pretty sure you would be. I ... really didn’t think I was going to wake up again.”
It was almost disorienting to find she was alive. There’d been no question in her mind that she was done. Show over. Time for white light and angels singing.
“Welcome back, then.” Adam’s smile was as calm and reassuring as ever, though there was some tension around his mouth that she’d bet wasn’t due to doctoring her up. Barrett. It had to be.
As if on cue, the big cat-shifter knocked softly and poked his head in her door. He flinched when he saw Adam, but a grin lit his face when he looked at her. “Hey, Kira. There are some people who want to see you.”
Adam set down her chart, crossed his arms, and pointedly did not look at the other man. “Are you up for visitors?”
“You two need to work this business out.” She glanced between the two men.
Barrett rolled his eyes. “Okay, pot. I’ll go see if the kettle wants to see you.”
“He probably doesn’t.” She glanced down at the blanket covering her legs, plucking at a loose thread. Barrett hadn’t heard her—or he’d ignored her—because he’d already gone to get Max.
“It’s rough, this love thing.” Adam sighed. “And I ended up with a double dose.”
“I’m sorry. For the double whammy you got and for butting in.” She pushed back the blanket and slid her legs over the side of the bed. “I want to shift again before I see anyone. Then I won’t feel like roadkill.”
“I’ll help.” Adam braced her while she stood, his arms beginning to glimmer with silver light.
“Are you sure you’re up for this?”
He simply nodded in his reassuring way. She closed her eyes and leaned against him, letting his energy spin through her to boost her own flagging reserves. The heat of magic burned within her, sputtering and then flaring to brilliant life.
She flashed into fox form, stretching her front paws into the new shape, twitching her tail. No pain, not even a twinge of discomfort. Nice.
Are you ready to shift back to human form or do you want to stay an animal for a while? The doctor’s telepathic voice came from the sun bear before her. The wicked curl of his claws scraped against the linoleum when he moved in the small room.
She cocked her head, considering. It would be too easy to face Max as a fox, because what she felt and what she needed to tell him was about very human emotion. No more running, no more hiding, no more lying to herself about what was in her heart. That would be the coward’s way out. I’ll go human, but I think I can do it by myself this time.
I’m here if you need me. The bear grunted and eased back as much as possible to give her some space.
She pulled in a deep breath and shut her eyes, drawing up the energy inside her. The silver glow filtered through her eyelids as she felt herself swirling into pure magic. She had the briefest moment to wonder if she had enough energy to make the change, but then she was already reforming into a solid shape. When she looked again, she was human.
“Kira?” Rhiannon’s voice echoed outside the door.
Adam, also in human form and already clothed, handed her a set of sweats and turned around to let her dress while he went to open the door for the queen.
Kira shrugged into her top just as the royal couple strode into the room. She rose to her feet and felt ... good. Rock steady. As if nothing had ever happened. Sometimes, it was good to be Between.
Elan and Rhiannon both hugged her, told her how relieved they were. The queen shoved her red curls over her shoulder. “Though I swear if you ever do anything like that again, I’ll shoot you myself.”
Arching an eyebrow, Kira looked down her nose at the other woman. “Taking a bullet for you is part of my job. Suck it up.”
Rhiannon huffed. “Fine. Be that way.”
“I will.” Then she hugged her friend tight and ignored the fact that her father would be horrified at the familiarity with her employer. So what? If she was going to put her life on the line for the woman, it was better that it was someone she actually liked. She realized just how much she’d fallen back into the pattern of her father’s mind-set when she’d returned to San Amaro. As much as she’d adored the man, she didn’t agree with him. She was as good as anyone else. It wasn’t about who was destined to be servant and who was destined to be master. If she wanted to quit, she could. She made those decisions for herself, not fate. But she loved what she did. It fulfilled her, and it was important to her to make a difference for her people. It was important to her to keep those she cared for safe. Even if it meant she’d take another bullet for one of them. That was the kind of person she was—regardless of anyone’s social class—and she was content with that.
“We’re going to get our transport in order.” Elan put his arm around his wife’s shoulder. “I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to get back home.”
“More than ready.” Kira pulled herself up onto the side of the bed while everyone disappeared.
They were all letting Max have some alone time with her, which was nice, but if he hadn’t trampled everyone on his way to see her, that really only meant one thing. She could smell him nearby, could practically feel his guilt wafting toward her. A sigh spilled past her lips. She knew the shooting would bring up some terrible memories for him. It was the hardest part of all this. She knew him. She understood him. She understood what made him who he was, but that also meant she knew why he needed to stop punishing himself for things he couldn’t change.
I know you’re there, Max. Come in or leave.
Which do you want me to
do?
She closed her eyes. It hurt that he had to ask, that he didn’t know. Her mental voice was terser than she intended when she replied. Come here.
His scent drew closer, and then his big body filled the doorway, blocking the light beyond. “The shooter’s dead. I killed him.”
“Good.” She spoke bluntly, and that seemed to ease some of the tension vibrating through him. “Who was he?”
“We don’t know yet. Barrett has our people looking into it, dealing with local authorities, figuring out how the hell a human got on our property.” He sighed, his expression haggard and wary.
“You look like hell.”
She expected a sarcastic reply, but instead his throat worked for a long moment, he swallowed hard, and it almost looked as if he might cry. “You look beautiful.”
Damn. She had to glance away or she was going to start tearing up. But she held her hand out, and his warm fingers immediately engulfed hers. He set his free hand beside her hip and buried his face in the crook of her neck. The naked need in that gesture staggered her. Moisture burned her eyes as she wrapped her arms tight around him. She dragged in a steadying breath. “I’m all right.”
“You were right beside me ... and then you were gone.” The ragged edge to his voice, the echo of words he’d spoken about Michelle, made pain shaft inside her.
She ran her palm up and down his back. “I’m not her. I’m Between. I survived.”
He nodded and squeezed her tight, all but lifting her off the bed. “Logically, I know that.”
“But it brought everything with Michelle back.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry.” Was his upset really for her, or was it just that she’d dredged up old memories? They were friends and colleagues and he’d be upset for those reasons alone, but that wasn’t enough for her. Not anymore.
His embrace loosened and he braced his hands on either side of her hips. His gaze met hers, open and honest. No masks to hide behind. “I don’t know how I can do this, Kira.”
Her chest tightened until she couldn’t draw breath. A harsh laugh spilled out of her. Well, that took care of that, didn’t it? Did it really matter what she wanted or how she felt if he walked away? She pushed out of his arms and stood, heading for the bathroom door before what was left of her dignity completely deserted her. “I’m going to grab a shower before we leave for San Amaro.” She paused and glanced back. “Look, I get it. You don’t have to pretend you wanted more than sex. We were friends before and that’s what we’re back to. It’s fine.”