Last Winter's Snow

by Hans M Hirschi

  “I’m not sure. I haven’t heard that name before.”

  “Ah, yes. I think you’ve probably heard of faggot hill? That’s the place.”

  Nilas nodded.

  “And is that why you were up there?” the police officer asked, his disdain very obvious.

  “No, not at all. While I’m not unaware of the nocturnal activities there, I was jogging. We live in Änggården, and I was simply out for a run.”

  “Ah, yes. Which explains the clothing they found you in.” The inspector didn’t sound at all convinced. “And why would you choose to run up there if you knew about the place’s reputation? Why not run up the other side, to the zoo, or through the Azalea valley? Those are perfectly good running spots, and family friendly, I might add.”

  “I know, but I wanted to run on bare ground, not paved streets. And that’s impossible on the other side. There’s less pressure on the joints if you run on the ground, rather than pavement.”

  The inspector mumbled something. “Did you see your assailant or assailants?”

  “Yes, but I can’t remember much. There were four guys, I’d say they were around eighteen to twenty, maybe a bit older. I can’t say. Skinheads, typical outfit, dark-green pants and bomber jackets, boots, shaved heads. I think one of them had a tattoo on his head, but I couldn’t describe their faces. It all happened so quickly.”

  “What happened?”

  “I had been running up the hill, and I was out of breath so I stopped to rest. Before I knew it, they were all over me. It happened so fast that I couldn’t react. I just crouched and tried to protect my face and head, and let them at it.”

  “And you’re sure that’s what happened?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You know exactly what I mean. A faggot up on faggot hill. What do you think happened? You cruise up there, see a couple of young lads, try to pick them up, and things get out of hand. Do I have to spell it out for you?”

  Nilas shook his head vehemently. “No, Inspector, that’s not at all what happened. I was up there to run. I’m in a committed relationship, and I’m faithful to my partner. I would never—”

  The inspected put up his hand. “Okay, okay. I get it. We’ll go with your explanation for now. Not that I think we’ll get anywhere with it. While we have our eyes on a few groups of skinheads in town, I don’t think we’ll find them, based on the vague description you’ve given me. Besides, even if we caught them, they’ll probably just argue that they were harassed by you first and that they acted in self-defense. God knows, they might be right about that. Given the risk to their lives from you AIDS-fuckers, I can’t blame them.” The inspector got up and put away the small pad on which he’d taken a few notes.

  Nilas was stunned. Never before had he been reduced to a potential criminal, a sexual predator, who’d merely gotten what he had coming for a long time, what he deserved. Never. It made him feel nauseous, and he didn’t know what to respond.

  “I’ll type up this report and I’ll have you sign it. Honestly, I don’t think this is going anywhere, and if I were you, I’d be more careful where you ‘jog’ from now on. There are clubs for you people. Have a good day.”

  The inspector left Nilas in a state of shock and anger. What had he done to deserve this? What was so wrong about him? What had he done to be treated like dirt by the police, the doctors, and even some of the nurses?

  * * * * *

  June 7, 1994

  The Times Are Changing

  Nilas and Casper sat on their comfortable leather couch, watching the evening news. Today had been a historic day in the Swedish parliament, as the legislators debated the new civil registry law that would enable gays and lesbians to enter a registered partnership—a civil union of sorts—with many of the same rights and obligations that married couples enjoyed.

  The new law had been investigated for several years, and it had been debated for a long time in the public. The churches were all unanimously opposed, saying that it was against the law of their god for gays to get married. The political parties were split; some were opposed, others were supportive of the legislation. Some argued that giving the gays an inch would only lead to them asking for more—adoption, full-fledged marriage rights—while the proponents of the law argued that this would never happen.

  Registered partnership, as the new law was called, would indeed be almost equal to marriage. Partners could accept each other’s name, they would inherit each other’s estate, and they would be responsible for each other’s financial dealings. However, they would not be able to get married in a church, unless the congregation accepted it, and would file to be registered with the government. Partners would also not be able to adopt, unlike singles or married heterosexual couples.

  The debate in the chamber had been fierce, and Nilas cringed when he saw how some of the more vocal opponents spoke about gays and lesbians as abominations and threats to the welfare of society and the security of children as before them, on the TV screen, the final arguments in the parliamentary debate were given:

  Statement 105, Ulrica Messing (social democrat): “Mr. Speaker, Roland Lében reacted to an expression I had used in my speech, that homosexuality is not something that one can be saved from. I can understand that Roland Lében may think I’m wrong, but I do not think I am. I have encountered this argument in the debate, e.g. from representatives of the Pentecostal Church, who say that if the homosexuals say yes, they could save them. I do not think it’s that simple. I do not think that homosexuality is a simple choice that one has, in the same way as choosing between buying Aftonbladet or Expressen. It is not that easy to choose how to live their lives.”

  Statement 106, Roland Lében (Christian Democrat): “Mr. Speaker, I just want to say one thing commenting this. It is not a question of what I know or suspect in this case. I referred to people who say they have had this experience. This I cannot take away from them, and neither can Ulrica Messing. I therefore feel it would be wise to stick to a more objective argumentation. I will not say anything further in this replica shift.”

  The deliberations are herewith closed.

  When the chamber finally went to vote, the ayes carried it with 171 to 141.

  The tears freely flowed down Nilas’s cheeks. Most of the conservatives in parliament had voted against the law, and despite the fact that they were part of the government coalition, they lost. Until that day, it had been unclear whether the opposition would gather enough voices to win the vote. There was much talk of conscience votes among all parties. That image, with the green and red dots lining up on the screen while the impassioned voice of the newscaster summarized the day, was difficult for Nilas to watch. So much had been at stake. And today, they’d finally scored a victory.

  Next to him, Casper sat silently, completely absorbed by his thoughts.

  “Are you okay?” Nilas finally asked.

  “I still can’t believe it. It’s actually happened. We can get married, beäjvviebájttuo!”

  “Well, not married, but yes, it’s a huge step in the right direction. Would you want to?”

  Casper turned around and faced Nilas, looking stupefied. “Are you proposing?”

  “Well, no, not really,” Nilas realized that his answer could be interpreted that way. “What I’m trying to say is, yes, I would absolutely love to marry you, and whether it is I or you who ultimately proposes is not the point. It’s just that I’ve never really thought about this before. You know? Until today, we haven’t had the right to any of this, so proposing always seemed so superfluous. Besides, the law won’t take effect until next year, so there’s time. It feels odd to propose something that we can’t really do yet.”

  Casper nodded, deep in thought. “Yeah, I hear you. I mean, we had a hunch that the law might pass, after the committee had approved it. It’s been in the cards for a while, but sitting here, watching the votes, is quite something. It feels historic in a way. And I agree—there’s no rush. I would love to get married to you, too, th
e real way, not just this registered partnership they’ve concocted. I want you to be my husband, not just my registered partner.”

  “I know you do. This is just the first step, and while the debate today was gruesome and very homophobic, I’m sure we’ll see how society changes, adapts. Before long, we’ll be able to adopt, have kids, and get married for real, maybe even in church.”

  “You think so? I just can’t see that happening, ever.” Casper was not a religious person, not given the harsh judgment from the Church during his upbringing, unlike Nilas, who had always had a strong faith, albeit not in any Christian god.

  “We’ll just have to wait and see, but I’m optimistic. Now, how do we celebrate?”

  Casper smiled. “I think we have a bottle of champagne left in the cellar. Want me to go get it?” The expression on Nilas’s face was apparently all that was needed to get Casper going.

  Later in the evening, as they were sitting together on the couch, Nilas resting his head on Casper’s shoulder, the question of kids was on Nilas’s mind. “We’ve never really talked about kids, babe. Would you like to be a parent someday?”

  Casper sighed. “You know, that’s a difficult question to answer. I mean, in a way it’s almost like the one we talked about earlier, about proposing, getting married. We’re not allowed to get married yet, we’re banned from adoption—at least, as a couple—and knowing the two of us, we don’t have any kids out there from any previous encounters with women, so…”

  “So what?” Nilas shrugged. “Times are changing. I’m sure that in the coming years that will change, too. Maybe we could become foster parents?”

  “You know, this is one of the things I love about you, your unwavering optimism. But I’m not as optimistic as you are. I think we’re going to have to live with this wretched law for a long time, and I have honestly never really given much thought to having kids. I’m not sure I am ready to. You know, when you know that you can’t have them naturally, and when you grow up realizing you may not even have a relationship, kids tend to disappear from consciousness. But let’s just assume for the moment that you’re right, and for some odd reason, they do change the laws, and we will be able to adopt, say five years from now. I’ll be thirty-nine years old by then. By the time we’ve been investigated, prodded and whatnot, another couple of years have passed, and I’ll be over forty years old. Isn’t that too old to become a father? My parents were in their mid-twenties when I was born.”

  Nilas considered Casper’s words, defeated. He knew, of course, that he had a point, and until today he, too, hadn’t considered parenting much. “But what about fostering? I mean, that is something we could do, right? Give a child a second chance? A child who’s had a rough time?”

  Casper stroked through Nilas’s hair, petting him. “Oh, beäjvviebájttuo, you are such an optimist, and such a good human being. Let’s see what the future holds. I wish it were as easy as that, but while we’ve taken a huge step forward today, society still isn’t there. You saw the polls. The majority of people are still against this law.

  “And you heard what they said in the chamber today, about us and kids, about predators and child abuse. Now that we’re formally banned from adoption, don’t you think that social services will look at fostering the same way? I think we’re still many years away from any gay man or woman being allowed to foster or adopt. That’s just reality.” He kissed Nilas on the head, holding him tightly with both arms.

  After that, they sat quietly for a long time, each man lost in thought, trying to make sense of the day’s historic vote, and what it meant for Sweden as a country, for the gay community and the rest of the world. After Denmark and Norway, Sweden was only the third country in the world to allow for gays to enter this sort of “marriage light.”

  But Nilas couldn’t let go of the idea of children, and in his mind, he drifted into a land of day dreams where he would visit Ammarnäs with his son and daughter, to visit áhtjákká and áhtjájjá, watch the reindeer roam the mountains or forests, fish or teach them to joik. There was something stirring within him, something he’d buried deeply when he first realized he was different from the other boys in his class, when he’d finally accepted that he would never marry and have kids.

  All of a sudden, that dream, that path that is so obvious and laid out before most kids and adolescents growing up, to one day marry and start a family, was awakening again, with a force that Nilas hadn’t reckoned with. At thirty-three, he was in his prime, physically and emotionally, a time when most of his peers had already married and had at least one child. All of this and more circled through his mind as they went to bed that night, happy for the decision of the day, but trying to come to grips with what the new possibility would mean for them in the future.

  * * * * *

  Happy New Year

  For Christmas and New Year’s that year, Nilas and Casper traveled home, to Ammarnäs, to be with Inga and Jon-Anders. The university was closed for a longer Christmas break, and Nilas had taken a vacation from his new employer. He’d finally found work at a large engineering firm in Gothenburg the year after his assault, and was quickly climbing the career ladder, overseeing a team of fifteen industrial engineers.

  The past couple of years had been really good to them. With the extra stability of a second income, they’d been able to finally renovate the bathroom and kitchen, giving both a very modern feel while keeping some of the original features that made their house and home so special. The final two rooms had also been decorated and furnished, and by the end of 1993, they finally felt as if their house was completed.

  That interest rates had spiked and the economy had tanked barely affected them, except when they considered that their house had not appreciated in value. Nevertheless, they were both confident that the move to the West Coast had been the right one; they loved their home, regardless of the short-term market situation.

  The trip to Ammarnäs, taking the night train to Vindeln and then the bus to reach Nilas’s parents, was long, but also relaxing. Living so centrally in Gothenburg, and near the subway back in Stockholm, neither of them had ever felt the need to own a car, and even though both had a driver’s license, they preferred to use public transport whenever they could. Driving the fifteen or more hours to Ammarnäs also wasn’t appealing: no dinner, no breakfast served, not the way it was aboard the train, and no chance for them both to read or simply enjoy the landscape passing by outside.

  Christmas was quiet yet very spiritual. As tradition bid, they attended the Christmas Eve Mass at the local church, a beautiful wooden construction built in the early twentieth century and completely clad in shingles. It was more of a community thing for the Sami, to spend some time together with neighbors and friends, rather than a religious ceremony. In this regard, they weren’t so different from the average Swede.

  After church, they returned to the house for lunch: wort-flavored bread dipped in the broth in which the Christmas ham had been cooked, beetroot salad, and other delicacies that would reappear later in the afternoon on the traditional Christmas buffet. It was a tradition they had adopted to make life easier on the children.

  At three o’clock, the family sat down in front of the TV for an hour of traditional Disney cartoons. Nilas chuckled when he saw how Casper and his parents were all glued to the TV, watching some of the classic cartoons including Ferdinand the bull, scenes from Robin Hood, Santa’s workshop, and so on. It was a true Swedish Christmas tradition.

  After that hour, they sat down to enjoy their Christmas dinner: a buffet of cold and warm delicacies including herring, cold cuts, sausages, meatballs, potatoes, red, green, and brown cabbage, and last, not least, the Christmas ham, served cold and cut in thin slices, eaten with mustard and wort-flavored bread.

  The Jonsson table also featured smoked reindeer, moose sausages, and dried meats, as well as smoked trout from the local waters. Nilas knew he was eating way too much, but his mother’s cooking was so delicious, and being able to eat in his family�
�s company did something to his heart and soul. It was almost as if he regressed, becoming the young boy again, dressed in his best Sami apparel, marine-blue frock, red collar, red and green trimmings, leather pants, and shoes made from reindeer skin and fur.

  His parents and both he and his sister Anna had always worn the traditional dress for Christmas, but now that they were grown up, they no longer possessed one, so they’d all stopped and were wearing casual clothing. His parents would still wear theirs on other occasions, but they also had a lot more such days to don it throughout the year, be it for traditional Sami gatherings or celebrations. Living in the south, as Nilas did, or even in Umeå, where his sister Anna had moved to after her marriage, the expense wasn’t justifiable.

  “Mom, when are Anna and the family coming?” Nilas asked.

  “Tomorrow, after lunch. They’re celebrating Christmas Eve with Anders’ family in Umeå. They’ll drive up here tomorrow morning.”

  “That’s a long drive,” Casper said. Umeå was a good 220 miles away.

  “Not for us, son. You know that up here, we count differently,” Jon-Anders responded, chuckling. He tried to convey the concept of Swedish miles to Casper more than once, and that in the north of Sweden, to drive sixty or seventy miles one way to buy groceries was not uncommon.

  “Yeah, I know, but still, with the kids?” Casper wasn’t convinced. “Isn’t it dangerous to drive in all that snow?”

  “Not at all,” Jon-Anders argued. “We don’t use salt on the roads up here, so there’s no slush, and we all have good winter tires with spikes. It’s actually a lot safer to drive on packed snow than it is to drive on slush or ice. Besides, Anders is an excellent driver. They’ll be fine. They’re used to it, and I’m sure the kids will have their Game Boys to play with.”