by JC Harroway
She sees my turmoil then—it must be carved into my face. She pulls away. Sits up.
Then she looks back. Her honest stare boring into mine. ‘Thing is, Drake, I love you—’
‘No.’ It’s a bark, one that shakes us both. But hearing that from her is too much. I’ve imagined it a million times and hearing it now, when I’m no closer to being able to accept it, is a crippling blow.
I grip her neck, pull her mouth back to mine. ‘Don’t say that.’ The words, spoken against her lips, actually burn my throat. But she can’t just toss that out. Not when I want to believe it more than I want my heart to keep beating. Not when it can’t possibly be true. Not when I told her how little I deserve that gift.
Kenzie pushes at my chest, breaking our kiss, looking at me with justified hurt in her eyes.
‘Listen to me.’ I grip her waist tighter. Fuck, I’ve messed this up. But I have to douse us in cold, harsh reality.
She wriggles to the edge of the sofa and I let her go. I want to stop her, to drag her to the bedroom, to spend the rest of the night, and all day tomorrow and the rest of my life, lost in the fucking awesome dream of the last two weeks.
But I’m still stuck, neck-deep in the reality of what’s right and what I want. The fucking no-man’s-land I seem to have spent most of my adult life aimlessly wandering.
‘It’s okay. Don’t worry.’ Her back is ramrod straight.
I reach for her waist but she stands, my fingers sliding uselessly over the curve of her hip. She scans the floor, and scoops on her underwear.
‘Fuck, Kenzie, don’t go like this.’ She’s hurt. And I’m the bastard who hurt her. I make a fist, hating that I’ve done the one thing I never wanted to do.
I have to make this right, to make her see that, in the long run, we’d never work. Too much past. Too many obstacles. Too much regret.
I lower my tone, praying she’s not too far gone to hear. ‘I promised him. And I betrayed him, right from the start.’
She turns on me, eyes blazing. ‘I get it. I promised him things, too, remember. You were there, at the altar. By his side—his best man. But he still left me. He’s still gone.’ The pain in her eyes slashes a fiery path through the centre of my chest. ‘You’re just hiding. I opened myself up to something new, to the possibility of us, but you’re not willing to do the same. You want to keep everything in a neat box labelled with the past so you can beat yourself up even as you try to do the honourable thing.’
She’s right.
Where she’s concerned, I’ve hidden my feelings for years for fear they’d destroy everything I am, everything I have. But what do I really have without her...?
She strides from the room and I jump up, sling on my jeans and follow her to the hall. ‘You’re right. I am hiding. We have too much baggage, don’t you see?’ Fuck, she’s so angry with me now, the last thing she’ll want to hear is how I truly feel. I had my opportunity and it’s passed. Not that it would change anything.
Loving her makes no difference.
She tugs her dress up, covering her body from my stare, which is as greedy as ever where she’s concerned. She huffs. ‘Baggage that you keep opening. Not me.’
I scrub my hand through my hair, my own temper rising. ‘It doesn’t matter. He’s still there. He’ll always be there. I’d cut off my arm to have it any other way, but that won’t change a thing. Even when I tried to take us away, to outrun it, he followed us.’
Kenzie reaches for her phone, her fingers flying across the screen and her eyes downcast. ‘Because you invited him.’ She looks up at me then, the fire in her eyes snuffed out. ‘I understand your guilt and regrets, Drake—I have them, too. But I’m finally moving forward with my life and I refuse to be held back. What you do is up to you, and you alone.’
I grip the back of my neck. How have I fucked this up so monumentally? What she said tonight—I should be on cloud nine...instead I’m on terra firma with a fatal case of foot-in-mouth disease.
‘Can you honestly tell me, hand on heart, that a part of you doesn’t think of him, every time we touch, every time I kiss you?’ The image, the very idea I’ve tried so hard to banish, floods my mind, forcing bile into the back of my throat. I want to rip out my tongue.
Her hazel eyes glow, ice-cold. ‘Do you think of the other women you’ve been with when your cock is in my mouth?’
I’ve delivered a low blow and I deserve her counter-attack. ‘Of course not. Listen...’ Shut up. Shut up now before the damage is irreparable.
I drag in air, hating what I’m about to ask. ‘Answer me this—would you have chosen me that night?’ I hold up my hand, refusing to see the flash of doubt that passes over her face—a look that guts me. ‘No. Don’t answer. I can’t ask you that. Not because it’s a shitty thing for me to do, but because I don’t want to know. And it makes no difference. You’re his. We can’t get past that.’
Kenzie freezes while my heart tunnels into my throat. Then she swipes up her shoes and pads to the door. At the threshold she turns, her eyes bright with moisture but her chin tipped up. ‘Well, we’ll never know, will we? You said you wouldn’t change a thing. You wouldn’t fight for me then, and you won’t fight for me now.’
She spins on her heel and leaves, quietly closing the front door. I yank on my shirt and chase after her barefoot, arriving at the kerb in time to see the Uber pull away, taking everything I’ve ever wanted out of reach.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Drake
I SLAM INTO Kit’s office, my feet skidding to a halt at the scene before me. Kit and Mia, making out in the middle of the day. At work.
I cough to alert them to my presence. ‘Sorry to interrupt...’
They break apart, completely unapologetic. Mia wipes Kit’s mouth and Kit grins at me like a lovesick puppy...
I look away, ignoring the pinch under my ribs. I’m happy for my youngest brother. He deserves happiness.
‘Sorry.’ Mia climbs from his lap and smooths her hair into place, offering me her wide smile. ‘We’re going for lunch—want to join us?’
Normally I’d happily accept. But there’s no way lunch is going to pass my strangled throat and stay in my stomach. I decline. ‘I came to ask if you could give my apologies at the family dinner tonight. I’m not going to make it.’ I’d rather rip out my own fingernails than make polite conversation in my current mood.
Kit frowns. ‘I think Dad is finally officially announcing his retirement. He’ll expect you there.’ He offers me a sympathetic smile.
I stuff my hands in my pockets and look out at a grey London, the idea of doing anything other than replaying that last time with Kenzie to work out where we went so wrong rolling my stomach.
Why am I here? I could have sent an email. Made a call. Asked my assistant to send a bottle of my father’s favourite port. I face the truth with a sigh—I came for advice. Advice I don’t need, because I already know I’ve ruined things with Kenzie. Ruined my only shot at the kind of happiness I see on my brother’s face. Because she’s it for me. Always has been, always will be.
‘I’ll tell him you can’t make it,’ says Kit, perhaps sensing the storm inside I’m struggling to conceal.
Why did I need to fuck it up monumentally in order for everything to shift into crystal-clear focus? Not that it matters. She’s gone. Left the Faulkner. Won’t answer my calls and, when I knocked on Tilly’s door last night in a last-ditch bid for her whereabouts, I discovered she’s gone away from London. For ‘a break’, Tilly said, while she thinks about her job options.
I wait for the relief to roll in and fill the empty hole inside. Relief she’s better off without me. Relief she’s probably already moving on. Relief my life can return to uncomplicated.
Trouble is, I fucking love complicated, almost as much as I love Kenzie. I scrub at my hair, tugging a handful until my scalp protests, the impotence current
ly rendering me antisocial its own form of torture. One I deserve. I chased her away. I made her feel her love was worthless.
Where can she be?
I don’t know who her friends are, and what the fuck does job options mean? Will she leave London? Return to Bath? Give up on her dream?
No. She’s a fighter. Strong. Stronger than me. Just because I screwed up doesn’t mean Kenzie will be derailed.
‘But, if you can’t make tonight, we have something to tell you,’ says Kit. He looks to Mia, who rolls her eyes, reminding me of Kenzie.
‘We’re having a baby.’
I can’t help my grin, which slides between my ecstatic brother and a blushing Mia, who simultaneously thumps his arm and kisses him again.
‘Congratulations.’ I hug them both, genuine joy diluting some of my self-directed fury.
Their happiness, hard-won after fighting their own demons, is contagious. I want a slice of it for myself. A fucking great big salted-caramel serving loaded with cream...
And why shouldn’t I?
My mind shakes off the guilty shackles as I realise I’m the only person standing in my own way. I hug my brother again, as he’s just given the advice I came here searching for, my limbs practically jerking with the need to act. To stop punishing myself and claim what my brother has won. Before any more time passes and the damage becomes permanent.
I want this. And I want it with Kenzie. I always have. I want to make love to her every day. I want to share her dreams and aspirations. I want to be a husband and a father, if she wants children with me, and to grow some middle-aged spread because of her delicious cooking.
‘I have to go.’ I press a kiss to Mia’s cheek and slap Kit’s shoulder. ‘Enjoy lunch and dinner.’
‘Where are you going?’ asks Kit.
I pause, the portent of the last few minutes catching up to me. ‘I’m going to visit Sam.’
Kit’s bewilderment clears as he guesses my meaning.
‘And then...we’ll see. Next time I see you, I hope to have news of my own. Thanks for all your help.’ I turn for the door, already texting my driver.
‘Drake.’ Kit’s shout breaks through my focus. He looks from a bewildered Mia and grins. ‘Good luck.’
I nod. I’m going to need it.
* * *
The lights in the distance douse me with hope, impatience hot on its tail. I floor the accelerator, the resulting tyre spins flicking up gravel from the driveway. But from the minute I figured out where she’d be I’ve been crawling out of my skin to get to her and undo the biggest mistake of my life.
I knock, my knuckles stinging with the force of my rap and the freezing air, which is heavy with sea spray. The seconds it takes for the door to swing open will be etched in my memory for ever. Three times I reach for the door handle, only to snatch my hand away from the foreboding piece of metal.
I refuse to accept it’s too late. I can make this right.
Then she’s there, wrapped in a blanket with a steaming glass of what looks like some sort of hot toddy in her hand.
Her wary look, one I deserve because I made her doubt, knocks the air from my lungs.
‘Kenzie.’ I hold up one hand, warding off objection. ‘Please let me speak.’
‘How did you find me?’
‘I hoped you’d come here, somewhere we’ve been together.’ Please let it mean she’s still open to forgiving me...
She steps aside and opens the door wider, wordlessly inviting me out of the frigid night. The temptation to reach for her, to touch her, tenses every muscle in my body. I make fists and follow her deeper into the cottage.
In the lounge, she retreats to her seat by the fire, tugging the blanket closer across her chest and taking a sip of her drink. ‘Help yourself.’ Her stare is wary, but she lifts her chin in the direction of a drinks tray.
‘I’m good, thanks.’ Something warming would work wonders about now, but the only thing I want, the only thing I need to warm me, is the woman looking at me like she’s done with me.
She’s pale, her eyes round. ‘Are you okay? Are you ill?’ I step closer, about to reach for her, when I remember I threw away that privilege and snatch my hand back to my side.
She shakes her head. ‘I can’t seem to get warm tonight, that’s all.’
‘Have you eaten?’ There are no signs of food preparation, no delicious smells coming from the kitchen, no snacks. ‘I can cook you something. Soup? An omelette?’
Her mouth flattens. ‘Why are you here, Drake? I have the cottage hired for the week.’
Of course. I’m way ahead of myself. I shrug one arm out of my coat and then pause. ‘Do you mind?’
She half shrugs, half shakes her head and I remove the now stifling garment. Perhaps I won’t be staying that long. She hasn’t invited me to sit, but bending my strung-out body into a chair seems impossible at any rate. I pace to the rug in front of the fire and face her.
My Kenzie.
I suck in courage. ‘I went to see Sam.’
‘Okay.’ Her eyes are shuttered. She’s not going to make this easy on me, and for that I love her a little bit more.
‘You were right. I should have gone long ago. Because I miss him. Because I wanted to have a beer with him, like we used to. Because he was my friend and I’ll always love him.’
I drag in a shuddering lungful of air, more certain of why I’m here than of anything else in my life.
‘Well, good for you, Drake. I’m glad.’
She looks anything but glad. She looks like she’s about to kick me back out into the night.
I rush on. ‘I told him things I’ve always wanted to say—how lucky he was to have you, how I’d always secretly envied him, how I wish I’d done things differently the day we all met. Then I realised something.’ I reach into my pocket and retrieve Sam’s coin, holding it out to her on the flat of my hand. ‘His lucky coin is broken.’
She places her drink on the table and leans forward, peering at the coin with scepticism. ‘It looks okay to me.’ She picks it up, turning it over. The contact of her fingertips on my palm thrums my blood harder, but it’s over too quickly.
She looks up in confusion, then looks back to the coin. ‘Heads, tails. How is it broken?’
I nod, as if agreeing with her, and drop to my haunches at her feet, taking the coin from her and examining it as if it holds the secrets of the universe. It doesn’t. It doesn’t even hold the key to my future, my happiness, my dreams. I’ve always held that. I was just too fucking scared to take my chance after messing up the first time.
I turn it over and over, the constant changing face reassuring. It’s irrelevant. The outcome is always the same. And entirely in my hands.
Mine and hers.
I meet her stare, my fingers continuing to flip the coin. ‘I’ll show you.’ I place the coin with the queen’s head uppermost in the centre of my palm and wait for her beautiful eyes to settle back on mine.
‘Heads,’ I lift one eyebrow, pausing to gain her full attention, ‘I’ll love you for ever.’ I flip the coin over, my eyes never leaving hers. ‘Tails, I’ll love you for ever. See? No choice at all...’
My words settle into the thick silence, the crackle of logs burning the only sound.
Air is trapped under my ribs.
She looks away, her face blank.
My stomach drops to the floor.
But I did this. I made her doubt. I had everything I wanted and I dismissed it because of our convoluted history. Because of my guilt. Because I didn’t fight hard enough.
Swallowing down the boulder in my throat, I take her hand. ‘I want you to have it.’ I press the coin into her palm and fold her fist closed, cupping her hand with both of mine. Her fingers are cold. I never want to let go.
‘I don’t need it.’ My voice is scratchy now, but I push ahead, th
e words a torrent, stumbling over themselves. ‘I know how I feel—it’s how I’ve always felt. I want you. In my life. In my future. As mine. Always.’
Her eyes are shining now, but she’s still unconvinced. I know her. She battles alone, because that’s what life has taught her. And I added to that lesson.
‘I know I messed up. I let you down. I got in my own way. I punished myself needlessly.’ I press a kiss to the back of her hand, my lungs on fire. ‘I was careless with your astounding words, with your precious love. I’m sorry.’
She pulls her hand from mine, her eyes dipping to the coin. ‘It’s okay—’
‘No.’
She’s going to ask me to leave. Tell me it’s over.
‘It’s so far from okay.’ I grip the back of my neck so hard, it’s a wonder it doesn’t snap in two. ‘You’re brave and honest, and so strong. I was a scared idiot. Scared of your rejection, scared you could never forgive me and scared you could never love me like you’d loved Sam. I thought that staying loyal to Sam meant I couldn’t love you. But I share his luck, because from the day I met you I’ve had you in my life.’ I cover my heart with my hand. ‘I’ve carried you here—that’s why no other woman stood a chance. And I know you don’t need me, but I want whatever way I can continue to have you in my life. Please...don’t give up on me.’
The crackle of the fire sounds like a countdown.
I’m frozen. Waiting. Impotent.
‘I can’t, Drake. I’m not that strong.’ My heart aches at the resignation in her beautiful eyes.
She stands. I’m left staring at the throw, which has slipped from her shoulders and pooled on the chair. I look down, sucking in a deep breath laced with determination. ‘Kenzie—’
‘It hurts too much to go through it again. I can’t...’ She’s halfway across the room, heading towards the bedroom. If I let her go now I’ll never get another chance—I see the confirmation in the set of her shoulders.
‘Wait.’ In two strides I’m behind her. ‘I know I let you down—I took your amazing caring, your comfort, your love and I gave you nothing in return. But I see now I can love Sam, and I can love you.’ I inch closer, sucking in the scent of apples. ‘You are the strongest person I know, but if you’ll let me I’m going to take care of you and Tilly. For ever. I’m going to love you, for ever. Let me show you.’