by T J Mayhew
Aelwen was unimpressed as she glanced at Cai disdainfully. “The son of the man who started this war?” she spat. “This just gets better and better.” Turning away, she made her way back to the log she had been sitting on.
Beside Cai, Logan raised his eyebrows as he watched Aelwen’s retreat. “Geez, she’s something else,” he murmured in awe.
Cai couldn’t have agreed more; she infuriated him. What right did she have to stand there and pass judgement on himself, his men and his father? They were here to help her and the rest of the survivors; surely she could see that?
He was so lost in anger and frustration that he flinched at the unexpected contact as Merlin placed a hand on his shoulder. He looked at the older man expectantly.
“Talk to them, Cai,” Merlin said. “Tell them what they need to hear; give them hope.”
Cai nodded, wondering what he could say that would get them on side. Throwing caution to the wind, he let himself speak from the heart. “You are not the only ones who have suffered in this war,” he began, his voice loud in the silence of the now darkening clearing. He gestured to himself and his men as he continued, “We, too, have suffered at the hands of Mordred, Morgan and their men.” He looked around at their expectant faces. “I think we have all lost someone dear to us because of them but…” He paused, letting his gaze wander over the crowd who were now watching him intently. Taking strength from them, he continued, “Don’t you see? We are the lucky ones and we will not let them defeat us. We owe it to our loved ones.”
He surveyed the crowd; he seemed to have hit home. He allowed himself a glance in Aelwen’s direction, curious to see if his words had reached her; she was watching him steadily, her face giving nothing away. Blushing, he forced himself to continue.
“It was never my father’s intention to start this war,” he declared, keeping his eyes locked with Aelwen’s, speaking only to her; he needed to make her see she was wrong about his father. “The only thing he was ever guilty of was trying to protect his people,” he added pointedly, ignoring the tightening in his throat. “And he fought for his people… all of you, until the very end but he…” His voice trailed off and he looked down as his emotions threatened to overwhelm him. Taking a breath he looked up, this time deliberately avoiding Aelwen’s gaze. “We want to help you; to take you away from here, to somewhere safe…”
“There’s nowhere that’s safe anymore,” a middle-aged woman cried, wringing her hands nervously.
“You’re wrong,” Cai protested. “Camelot’s safe.”
“You make it sound so easy,” another woman called out.
“It is,” Bedivere declared. “If you choose to trust us… to join us.”
“You’re asking us to leave our home,” Aelwen protested. “A place we’ve lived all our lives…?”
Logan scoffed. “There’s not much of a home left,” he pointed out unhelpfully.
Cai glared at him, resisting the urge to kick him, hard.
Aelwen’s eyes flashed angrily as she launched herself towards a surprised Logan, pulling her dagger from its sheath. “How dare you…?” she growled.
Cai stepped in front of Logan just as Badden stepped in front of Aelwen.
“Aelwen, calm yourself,” Badden commanded harshly. “Your anger is misplaced…”
“But Father…” she began, her eyes still fixed on Logan.
Father… No wonder she behaved so differently with him.
“No, Aelwen,” Badden said firmly. “I will not have you doing something you’ll later regret.” Reaching out, he took the dagger from her and slipped it into his own belt. “He is just a boy.”
Behind him, Cai felt Logan bristle. “Leave it,” he warned, rounding on him.
Logan glared at Cai but, thankfully, said nothing.
“Aelwen has a point,” a grey haired woman said as she stepped forward. She glanced around at her neighbours. “I have lived here all my life; I nursed my mother here when she fell ill…”
“But your village is no longer your home,” Merlin said gently. “Your village was destroyed by Morgan and Mordred.”
The woman blinked unsure of how to respond; she knew in her head Merlin was right but her heart was a different matter entirely.
Cai stepped towards her. “Your memories of your home will still be with you, no matter where you go,” he said gently, recalling Greg and Jules; he would never forget what they had done for him over the years. “We understand your pain, your need for vengeance, but you won’t get that waiting here. Morgan and Mordred won’t return and, if they do, they will destroy you.” A fearful murmur ran through the crowd; bolstered by this, Cai continued. “We are your best hope: for safety and for vengeance. Come with us, we’ll take you to Camelot; you will have the chance to help in any way you can… It’s not just soldiers we need.”
“But we don’t need you,” Aelwen stated flatly.
Badden glanced at his daughter. “Yes, Aelwen, we do.”
Aelwen’s strength and determination faltered for a moment. “But…”
Badden shook his head. “We can no longer do this alone,” he declared to everyone. “We need proper food and shelter, a reason for living… a chance for vengeance.”
Aelwen squared her shoulders defiantly. “I have a reason for living,” she retorted coldly.
Owain stepped forward. “I say we go with them,” he announced, his words greeted with nods of agreement.
Cai felt a rush of relief wash over him even as his eyes fell on Aelwen’s furious expression.
Badden turned to Aelwen. “Tomorrow, we shall leave and you shall leave with us, with me,” he added. “I am not leaving you here.”
“Then stay with me,” Aelwen suggested. “Stay with us,” she added quietly.
Badden was silent for a moment, clearly torn. Eventually, he sighed. “I’m sorry, Aelwen; we can’t carry on like this. I have to look after you. I can’t lose you too.”
Aelwen clenched her jaw and, for a moment, Cai thought she was about to hit Badden. Glaring at her father, she snarled, “So be it.” She angrily made her way to the furthest corner of the camp and sat down, turning her back on everyone.
Cai watched silently and saw the pain etched on Badden’s face as he watched his daughter from afar.
“What’s her problem?” Logan muttered, glaring at Aelwen’s back.
Cai stared at Logan in disbelief. “Are you kidding? Logan, she’s lost her home and she’s been forced to live out here for God knows how long. She has every right to be angry.”
Logan didn’t seem impressed. “She doesn’t have to take it out on me though, does she? I mean, she doesn’t even know me.” They fell silent, lost in their own thoughts. After a moment, Logan nudged Cai, nodding in Aelwen’s direction. “You know, you could always go over and talk to her,” he suggested discreetly.
Cai scoffed. “Somehow, I don’t think she’d want to talk to me.” Despite himself, he couldn’t ignore the disappointment he felt at hearing these words.
Logan shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know,” he said thoughtfully. “You’re a king; a great chat-up line if ever there was one.”
Cai rolled his eyes in exasperation and turned his attention back to the arrangements being made around him.
8
Cai went to bed that night with a newfound sense of optimism and, for the first time in a long while, he had hope for the future. These people were worthy to join their ranks, for although few swelled their army, their support and belief in him was invaluable and he knew others would soon follow.
Whilst helping them sort their meagre belongings, Cai had learned the village had been invaded over a week ago and, as he listened to peoples’ stories, his admiration for them grew.
But he couldn’t help wondering why Morgan and Mordred had left this group of people alive. Merlin had suggested two possible reasons: the first, was that they could tell of Morgan and Mordred’s powers and the second, that they deemed this group unworthy of further attention. Cai had sha
ken his head at this idea, believing they had made a grave mistake; to allow the loved ones of those they had murdered or taken as prisoners to live could only ever result in the survivors nurturing hatred so strong they would do anything to avenge them. And now Cai had the opportunity to put those feelings to good use.
Now, laying in the dark, his mind replaying the last few hours, he couldn’t help marvelling at how quickly he and the others had been welcomed into the camp. What little food and drink the villagers had was readily offered to them but politely declined; Cai couldn’t justify taking the last of their rations when they obviously had greater need of them themselves. Everyone had welcomed them; everyone, that is, except Aelwen, who had made no further attempt to talk to them and had glowered at them, furiously, all evening.
Aelwen…
He gritted his teeth as he recalled Aelwen’s face, so angry and hostile. While he understood her anger, surely she had to see she couldn’t go on this way? Surely she could see that, by pushing everyone away, she’d end up alone and twisted, lost in her own personal crusade.
Turning onto his side, he couldn’t help wondering why he was wasting time thinking about her; she had, after all, made it perfectly clear to him, and everyone else for that matter, that she didn’t want, or need, their help.
A noise on the other side of the camp drew Cai’s attention. Slowly, he lifted his head and could just make out a shadow moving silently through the camp, heading away from the village, deeper into the woods. Instinctively, he knew it was Aelwen.
Scrambling to his feet, he hurried after her, curiosity getting the better of him.
He carefully negotiated a path through the woods, ensuring he kept as far back as possible whilst still keeping Aelwen in sight. A couple of times he had hidden behind a tree when she had stopped to check the darkness for signs of being followed. Thankfully, she hadn’t seen him and continued her clandestine journey through the trees, eventually disappearing from sight.
Picking up his pace, he reached the edge of the forest and quickly crouched down as he watched Aelwen kneel beneath a large tree. In the moonlight, he caught sight of her profile, noting how her earlier strong façade had crumbled; her shoulders were slumped and every now and then she would dab her eyes with her sleeve. With a jolt, he realised she was crying.
His interest piqued, Cai left his hiding place and edged closer to Aelwen, careful not to reveal himself. He was so preoccupied with his own movements that he was unaware of his attacker’s approach until it was too late. He was grabbed by his shirt, pulled through the trees and shoved to the ground where he laid sprawled face down, momentarily stunned. Turning over, he stared up to see Aelwen standing over him; even in the dark, he could see the tell tale signs of her tears, despite her efforts to hide them.
“I might have known it was you,” she muttered as she glared down at him. “Do you usually follow people into the woods in the middle of the night?”
Cai jumped to his feet, returning Aelwen’s glare. “Yeah, well, if you hadn’t gone sneaking off, I wouldn’t have had to, would I?” he demanded angrily.
Aelwen held his gaze for a moment, but said nothing. Eventually, she pushed past Cai but he grabbed her arm, stopping her in her tracks.
“What’s so important that you risked everything to come here?” he asked, keeping his voice low for fear it might carry back to camp.
Aelwen narrowed her eyes as she pulled her arm from his grasp, stating, “That is none of your concern.”
Cai scoffed. “I think it is when you choose to risk, not only your own life, but the lives of all those around you.” Aelwen shook her head and started to walk away but Cai intercepted her, meeting her anger head on. “What if Morgan and Mordred had decided to come back?” he demanded. “What if their men were lying in wait?”
“I thought you said they wouldn’t be back,” she retorted.
Cai stared at her. “You know what I mean,” he said quietly.
They stared at each other for what seemed like forever before Aelwen spoke.
“You enjoy this, don’t you? Being the hero,” she spat bitterly.
Cai scoffed but made no attempt to argue; what would be the point? She wouldn’t believe anything he said, she didn’t want to.
Aelwen stepped closer to him, her eyes never leaving his. “You think it’s so easy, don’t you?” she asked. “You and your men… you come here, ready to save us. You think it’s so easy to just leave…” She shook her head, dropping her gaze to the ground. “But you have no idea; none of you do.”
Cai saw the pain in her eyes, heard it in her voice and he wanted nothing more than to help her. He felt the tension and anger leave his body as he continued to watch her. “Then tell me; tell me what’s wrong, Aelwen.”
It was the first time he had said her name aloud and she looked at him then, as if surprised he knew it. But this was quickly replaced by grief as she turned to face the place she had been kneeling, only moments before.
“My mother’s buried there,” she said, so quietly that Cai almost didn’t hear.
With those words, everything fell into place and Cai finally understood her anger and hatred, anger and hatred he still felt himself. “I’m sorry,” he murmured, knowing this didn’t sound like much.
Aelwen scoffed. “Everyone says that,” she muttered bitterly. “As if it’s their fault when we all know that the fault is really my own.” Her voice broke as she said this and looked away from Cai, obviously hiding more tears.
“Aelwen…” he began gently but stopped as she continued.
“I made my escape but Mother… she couldn’t…” Her voice trailed off as she wiped a tear from her face.
Cai wanted to reach out, to close the gap between them and make her see she wasn’t alone but he knew she wouldn’t thank him for that. So, instead, he said, “The memory of your mother will never leave you. She will always be in your heart whether you are here or at Camelot.”
Aelwen turned to him, saying nothing. Eventually, she spoke, “If you think that by saying that, it will make it easier to, again, abandon her, then you are sorely mistaken.”
Cai sighed. “I wish you could stay with her, I really do, but the truth is we need you and the rest of your village… Staying here when so much is at stake would be selfish…” Cai knew as soon as the words out of his mouth that he had said the wrong thing and Aelwen’s reaction confirmed that.
Glaring at him, she clenched her teeth, obviously resisting the urge to punch him for his insensitivity. Once her temper was under control, she turned on her heel and marched back towards camp.
“Aelwen, I didn’t mean…” Cai called after her, annoyed with himself. He reached out and grabbed her arm. “Please…”
She shook him off furiously. “Do not worry yourself unnecessarily over me, my Lord,” she spat icily, her eyes flashing dangerously in the moonlight. “Rest assured, you can return to camp knowing you said what you needed to in order to make me accompany you tomorrow.” She softened as her eyes darted back to the unmarked grave behind Cai. “This is my burden to carry… mine alone,” she added, her voice barely more than a whisper.
And, with that, she turned and disappeared into the trees, leaving Cai alone in the darkness.
9
The following day, Cai made no attempt to speak to Aelwen or question her about their conversation the previous night; for one thing, he didn’t feel it was his place to ask and, for another, he knew his interest would not be welcomed. And, to top it all, she would probably blow a fuse and accuse him of prying anyway.
Arriving back at camp the previous night, he had spotted Aelwen in her makeshift bed, her back to him. Returning to his bed, he had lain awake for a long time as parts of their conversation replayed over and over in his head until, finally, exhaustion had got the better of him and he had fallen asleep. Mulling it over in his head, Cai believed he understood Aelwen a little better and, now she had opened up to him, perhaps she would begin to trust him.
But, he
was wrong; it had soon become clear that nothing had changed. If anything, the distance between them had widened; Aelwen could barely bring herself to look at him and, when she had, it was only for the briefest of moments.
Now, as he watched her from across the camp, Cai noticed how tired she looked after a day in the saddle despite her efforts to appear otherwise; she was pale and was obviously trying desperately to keep her eyes open. In that moment, he wanted to tell her it was OK to sleep but he knew she wouldn’t want him drawing attention to what she, no doubt, considered a weakness.
“You’re not still drooling over her, are you?” Logan demanded as he sat down on a rock beside him.
Cai scowled and turned to him. “I wasn’t…”
“Yeah, right, whatever,” Logan muttered, rolling his eyes. His gaze wandered to where Aelwen sat talking quietly with a woman from her village. He frowned. “Seriously, I don’t know what you see in her; she’s bloody cold, if you ask me.”
“Yeah, well, no one was asking you,” Cai retorted.
“I tried talking to her today,” Logan began, picking up a twig and tossing it idly into the nearby fire. “I tried finding out more about her but she just wasn’t having any of it… She told me to get lost or else she’d be forced to make me leave.” He glanced at Cai. “You should have seen the look in her eyes… I tell you, Cai…” He shook his head. “She was scary.”
“Well, she’s been through a lot,” Cai pointed out, jumping to her defence.
“Yeah, well, we all have!” Logan retorted. “But that doesn’t stop the rest of us being civil, especially to people who are trying to help,” he added bitterly. “And the way she spoke to you…”
Cai was silent, lost in his own thoughts. The truth was he didn’t care about that, he didn’t care that she had challenged him; in actual fact, he had quite enjoyed it… it had made him feel almost normal again.
He looked across to her and met her gaze. He smiled and, for a moment, allowed himself to believe she may return it, but wasn’t totally surprised when she got to her feet and turned her back on him.