by T J Mayhew
Cai appreciated Lancelot’s argument but still felt uncomfortable with the idea of being treated like a hero. He glanced at Logan whose face, for once, was unreadable.
Turning his attention back to Lancelot, Cai cleared his throat. “Thanks, but…”
“The decision is made,” Lancelot declared, putting an end to any further discussion.
What? Cai could only stare at him.
As if reading his mind, Lancelot continued, “Guinevere and I think it’s necessary, under the circumstances. Your people need to celebrate, they have been through a lot, especially our new arrivals, and… we know not of what lies ahead.”
“Forgive me,” Kay interrupted, “but is a feast wise at this time?” He looked at Lancelot. “If we are feasting, our defences will be…”
“Kay, we cannot live our lives in fear,” Lancelot declared. “I, for one, will not let Morgan and Mordred stop me from celebrating our King’s return.” He looked at each knight in turn. “Would any of you have them take that right away from us?”
A chorus of agreement rose up and Cai sighed dejectedly, knowing it didn’t matter what he said now, the decision had been made, for better or worse.
He glanced at Kay, who looked no less comfortable with the idea than he did himself. As their eyes met, he felt a strange and unfamiliar sense of solidarity with the man who had, so far, been hell-bent on making his life as miserable as possible.
13
As the sun set over Camelot, Cai left the Great Hall in search of the familiarity of his quarters and the solitude he yearned for. He wanted time to think, to focus on what lay ahead; he needed to prepare himself for battle and finally free his people from the fear Morgan and Mordred had instilled in them.
Outside, the courtyard was bustling as people set about familiarising themselves with their new home; en-route, he smiled in response to the many bows and words of gratitude he received from the new arrivals.
On entering his quarters, finally away from the noise and chaos outside, he dropped onto his bed and sighed, for the first time releasing his frustration. How could Lancelot believe a feast at this time would be a good idea? After all, they still had a war to fight, people were grieving… It just felt so… wrong.
He sighed, too tired to think anymore…
Leaning his head back against the wall, he closed his eyes as sleep began to wash over him…
… And jerked awake as Logan entered and slumped down on his bed opposite. He grinned. “You ran out of there pretty fast.”
Cai shrugged. “I just needed to get out,” he muttered.
Logan nodded. “Yeah… I figured as much.” He watched Cai carefully as if afraid he may bolt again. “You are OK, aren’t you?” he asked warily.
Cai picked at a loose thread on his sleeve, anything to avoid looking at him. “I guess…” he muttered.
Logan snorted. “And the rest! I saw your face when Lancelot mentioned the feast…”
“Well, can you blame me?” Cai demanded, his temper flaring briefly. How could Logan not understand? He had been with Cai through it all, had seen the fear and panic in people’s eyes, felt their desperation. How could he sit there now and pretend everything was OK? “I can’t believe you’re happy to just act as if everything’s normal.”
Logan bristled at this. “Is that what you…? Look,” he said, leaning forward. “We have spent the last few weeks riding around the country trying to persuade people to join us; I’m tired and I’m frustrated. All I know is that the idea of a feast right now doesn’t sound too bad to me.” He looked straight at Cai. “For a start, it will give everyone a chance to chill out…” He held up a hand as he continued. “I know we shouldn’t be relaxing but we also can’t run ourselves into the ground. Do you think Lancelot would really be so stupid as to leave Camelot undefended? He’ll have people watching the gates; we’ll know if anything happens.” He paused. “Look, I get why you don’t want it,” Logan continued, his voice softer now. “I mean, if it was me, I wouldn’t want to be paraded around in front of everyone but you are their king; they need to see you, to…”
Cai cut Logan off mid-sentence as he bolted for the door; he couldn’t listen anymore; it already felt like he was suffocating under the weight of everyone’s expectations. He needed to get out, to breath fresh air without Logan or anyone else, for that matter, talking to him.
“Hey, where are you going?” Logan asked indignantly.
“I need to get out of here,” Cai muttered. Behind him, he heard Logan get to his feet and turned to face him. “Don’t follow me,” he ordered. “I want to be alone.”
“But…!”
Cai shook his head. “No, Logan; please don’t follow me.” And without waiting for a response, he turned and walked out into the early evening light. He was half way across the courtyard before he looked back, grateful there was no sign of Logan following him. Resuming his journey, he realised he had no real idea of where he was going, he just walked, eager to lose himself, to chase away his growing anxiety.
Before he knew it, he was in the Lower Courtyard, making his way towards the archway and the freedom beyond; maybe, once he was free of Camelot, he could, for a short while, just be himself again.
As he walked along the path leading out of Camelot, he instantly knew where he was going and it wasn’t long before he was making his way up the hillside beside Camelot’s western wall. He paused in the lengthening shadows, gazing down at the spot where Merlin had made his prophecy before collapsing; his memories of that day were clear but he pushed them away. He didn’t want to think about that… about how scared he had been to see Merlin lying so still on the ground… about how confused he had been by Merlin’s words…
You shall be betrayed… One you trust has darkness in their soul… A heart buried beneath secrets and lies.
Cai shook his head and, with a concerted effort, pushed the memory to the back of his mind; what with everything else that been happening recently, he hadn’t had the chance to really think about the idea of someone close to him betraying him.
Great, he thought wryly. Something else he had to worry about.
He forced himself to continue along the path, treading carefully in the fading light. Merlin had told him once that his father had often come here to think… maybe it would help him to do the same.
His steps faltered as he realised someone was already on the cliff-top; they wore a cloak with the hood pulled up against the wind and, as he neared them, he suspected he knew who it was, even though he couldn’t see their face.
“Aelwen?” he called as he approached.
Aelwen turned at the sound of her name; a gust of wind caught her hood but her quick response held it in place. Her eyes flashed with recognition and Cai wasn’t sure if he caught the hint of a smile on her lips. “My Lord,” she said formally, bowing her head slightly.
Cai had never been keen on anyone calling him by his title or bowing to him but for Aelwen to do it… it just felt wrong. He shook his head as he stood before her. “Please, call me Cai,” he insisted.
Aelwen stared at him, her gaze unyielding. “But…”
“Please, I insist,” he said.
With a curt nod, she replied, “Very well, my Lord,” before turning from him and looking out across the ocean.
He watched her for a moment, fighting a sudden urge to point out she shouldn’t be up here, alone, in the dark; the only thing that stopped him was knowing that, if he did, she’d end up storming off. So, instead, he turned, following her gaze across the water below to the distant horizon; in the dark it looked like a vast abyss, a black hole they could fall into…
“My mother never saw the ocean.” Aelwen’s voice was so quiet, Cai wondered if he had imagined it. He glanced at her, waiting to see if she would continue; he didn’t have to wait long. “Merchants would pass through the village with tales of it, stories of majestic lands on the other side of the world…” Her voice trailed into silence and she smiled wistfully. “I always wanted to see if the tales w
ere true but Mother… she was too scared.” She glanced at Cai, as if making sure he was still listening. “She spent her whole life in that village,” she said bitterly. “And, in the end, what good did it do her?”
Cai held her gaze; he wasn’t sure if he should say something, if she even wanted him to. All he could do was watch her and wait; this was her story and she had to tell it in her own time and in her own way.
“Morgan le Fay ruined my life that day,” she said, her voice hard and brittle with hatred. “She took so much from me… they both did,” she added as she remembered Morgan hadn’t acted alone.
Cai’s mouth was dry. “What happened?” he asked, afraid he may be pushing her too far.
Aelwen met his gaze, her eyes shining in the moonlight. For the briefest of moments, Cai thought she would shut down, retreat into herself, like she had so many times before, but she didn’t. Hugging herself, as if protecting herself from the memories, she said, “The attack came from out of nowhere; we were all unprepared…” Her voice trailed away, filled with sadness.
In that moment, Cai wanted to reach out to her, to cross the void she had put between them and tell her everything was OK but he knew his words would sound empty; nothing he could say or do would change what had happened.
“Father tried to protect us but there were too many… They were Death itself,” she continued. “Dressed as black as the night… merciless… Mother and I, we tried to make our escape; our house was on the edge of the village so it was only a short distance to the woods…” she explained. “I was first out…” Her voice cracked as she spoke and she turned away from Cai to hide the tears threatening to break the dam inside her. “I reached the woods but Mother…” She paused and Cai could see her swiping angrily at her tears. “There was a flash of light and a woman appeared.”
Cai stared at her, dumbfounded; she, too, had seen Morgan le Fay! He couldn’t ignore how terrifying that must have been for her. He recalled how he had felt when Morgan had appeared at the lake; he had never been more scared. The sound of her voice, the ensuing chaos, the fear… even now, the memory of it turned his blood to ice. But, at least, Merlin had prepared him for the possibility; Aelwen hadn’t known anything, she would have been totally unprepared.
And yet, despite that, she had survived. A deep, newfound respect filled Cai as he gazed at Aelwen; she was far stronger than he had ever given her credit for.
“She goaded her,” Aelwen was saying. “She stood over Mother and taunted her, like a cat would toy with a mouse. I tried to stop her… Lord knows I wanted to… I had the dagger in my hand…” Her hand immediately went to the dagger at her side and Cai knew that, in her mind, she was seeing Morgan before her once more, she was replaying that fateful night in her head. “But I couldn’t…” she said quietly, dropping her gaze. “I could do nothing but watch as she took my mother’s life…” She lifted her gaze and looked at Cai, as if daring him to condemn her. “She died there, on the hillside, and I just watched.”
Cai hesitated for a moment, an image appearing in his head…
Badden kneeling down on the hillside, clutching at the ground, his eyes filled with pain…
At the time, he hadn’t understood the significance of that, but now… the pieces fell into place; it had been the spot where Aelwen’s mother, Badden’s wife, had died.
Recollecting himself, Cai turned his attention back to Aelwen, pain and guilt still evident on her face. He desperately wanted to make her feel better, to ease her suffering so he said the only thing he could think of. “It’s understandable that you couldn’t do anything; I mean…”
She rounded on him, her eyes flashing furiously. “No; it’s not understandable!” she cried.
“Of course it is,” Cai retorted. “Aelwen, Morgan le Fay is evil; she’s dangerous… to take her on single-handedly would have been suicide…”
Aelwen shook her head, unwilling to listen. “But she needed me and I let her down… I watched her die… I let her die…”
And that was it; with that admission everything that had been keeping Aelwen together – her determination, her strength, her hatred and anger – crumbled and she fell to her knees, unable to stand under the weight of her guilt and pain.
Instinctively, Cai crossed the space between them; he reached out but Aelwen slapped his hand away, intent on suffering alone.
“Don’t…” she spat.
Steeling himself against her will, he tried again and, this time, was more successful; gathering Aelwen into his arms, he wished he could do more but knew that, right now, this was all she needed.
14
Cai had lost track of time; he had been sitting with Aelwen on the cliff top for a while and they hadn’t spoken since her outburst. He kept sneaking glances at her but her face remained unreadable as she continued to look out over the ocean and Cai could only imagine what was going through her mind.
“I never knew my father,” Cai stated before he could stop himself. He was aware of Aelwen watching him but his eyes never left the ground; he had never spoken of his father to anyone, apart from his mother and the knights. After a few moments, he risked a glance at her and was surprised to see sympathy in her eyes. He swallowed, forcing himself to continue; she had confided in him, now it was his turn. “He sent me away when I was born,” he explained. “Merlin…”
“I have heard the rumours,” Aelwen interrupted, turning to face Cai; he could tell from her tone that she was intrigued. “When the two knights came to our village…”
“Bedivere and Galahad,” Cai stated.
Aelwen nodded. “They told us about you but I didn’t believe them,” she continued quickly. “I thought it was just their way of trying to get our men to go with them.”
Cai couldn’t ignore the bitterness in her voice and felt his temper rise. With a concerted effort, he fought the urge to bite back in defence of his father and the knights; he understood where her anger came from but he was also aware she didn’t know the full story. Recalling her accusations in the forest, it seemed only natural for her to turn her anger on the king who couldn’t protect her or her village; had he been in her place, maybe he would have felt the same. “My father was betrayed by them too,” he pointed out, indignantly. He held Aelwen’s stare for a moment, determined not to look away. “None of this is his fault.”
Aelwen sighed and looked away. “I’m sorry,” she murmured.
“It’s OK,” Cai said quietly.
“No, it’s not,” Aelwen protested, suddenly angry with herself. “All this time I’ve been blaming other people for what happened to my mother… your father, my father, even Mother… When really I should have been blaming myself.” She clenched her hands into fists. “It’s my fault she…”
Cai reached out and gently touched her arm, pulling away just as quickly. “It’s not your fault,” he protested. Aelwen was about to argue but he stopped her in her tracks. “No, it wasn’t,” he repeated adamantly. “It sounds to me as if your mother did all she could to protect you, to ensure your survival; just as my father did for me,” he finished quietly.
They sat in silence for a few moments, lost in their own thoughts. Cai had no idea if Aelwen had listened to what he had said or whether she was still hell-bent on blaming herself; he hoped it was the former. He couldn’t bear the thought of her suffering over something that was, so obviously, not her fault.
“What happened?” Aelwen’s voice broke the silence.
Cai looked at her questioningly. “What do you mean?”
“With your father,” she clarified.
Cai smiled wryly. “Where do I start?”
“You said Morgan and Mordred betrayed him,” Aelwen recalled. “How did that happen? Why did he ever trust them?”
“Morgan le Fay was his half-sister,” Cai explained. “Mordred was his nephew… my cousin.” He felt the shame burn through him at those words, recalling the horror he had felt when he had first realised that, by some twist of fate, he was related to the two peo
ple responsible for his father’s death. Glancing at Aelwen, he saw the shock on her face but, choosing to ignore it, continued, “Morgan le Fay had always hated my father; she killed his father because Uther had killed her father and married her mother,” he explained, trying to ignore how convoluted this story was. “She disappeared after killing Uther and no one could find her, not even Merlin. Years later, Mordred came to Camelot saying he was Morgan’s son but he was willing to turn his back on her and join Arthur; he wanted to become a Knight of the Round Table. My father welcomed him with open arms…”
“But…” Aelwen began to protest.
Cai held up a hand. “My father believed what he said, he was family; he wanted to help him have a better life.” Aelwen scoffed but he ignored her. “Lancelot eventually discovered Mordred’s true allegiance and my father and Merlin set a trap for them. They fell for it and tried to capture Camelot but were defeated.”
“Why did they hate your father so much?” Aelwen asked.
“The way I understand it is, Morgan believes that, had Uther not used trickery in order to win the war between himself and her father, then he would have lost the war and her father would have remained at Camelot,” Cai explained. “So I think, in Morgan’s mind, at least, she considers herself to be Camelot’s rightful heir and through her, Mordred.”
Aelwen sat silently for a moment, taking in everything she had heard. Frowning, she turned back to Cai. “And what happened to you? You said your father sent you away.”
Cai nodded and continued, “When my mother found out she was pregnant…” Seeing the confusion on Aelwen’s face, he blushed and clarified, “When my mother found out she was with child, they knew it was too dangerous; they knew as soon as Mordred and Morgan heard about me, they would come after me…” Cai paused as a lump formed in his throat; he found it difficult recalling the sacrifice his parents had made for him, a sacrifice that had cost them all so much. “It was decided that, when I was born, I would be sent away… Merlin would use magic to do it…”