The game ends up being a huge loss for the Patriots. Well, there’s still a few minutes left, but they’re so far behind, they can’t win. The other guys are staying to watch the next game but I decide to go back to campus. I want to see if Jade took me up on my offer to watch TV in my room.
When I get there, I see that she did. She’s on my bed again, but this time she’s awake and watching a movie.
She jumps off the bed as soon as she sees me. Does she think I don’t want her on my bed? I love her on my bed. I’d love her in my bed, too, but I have a feeling we’re a long ways off from that happening.
I smile at her. “So I guess you decided to come back and visit your concession stand.”
“I didn’t know you’d be back so early.” She shuts the TV off. “It’s only 7.”
“The game was a blowout so I left. There’s another game starting later but I didn’t feel like watching it.”
“I’ll let you have your room back.” She races past me but my arm catches her waist, stopping her.
“You don’t have to leave.” I keep hold of her and get the urge to kiss her. Whenever I’m near her, I want to kiss her. I keep thinking of that kiss we had in the pool. I really need to kiss her again. “Let’s watch a movie.”
She looks like she’s about to say yes, but then shoves me away. “You were drinking.”
“Yeah? So?”
She glares at me, not saying anything.
“Jade, it was a couple beers. That’s what guys do when they watch football. They drink beer. And I stopped at two. The other guys had way more than that and they’re still drinking.”
“I don’t care what they do. I only care what you do.”
I’m starting to get really pissed about this whole alcohol thing. Compared to how much I used to drink, it’s a huge deal for me to limit myself to two beers. And it’s an even bigger deal that I went a whole week with almost no alcohol and that I didn’t drink at Courtney’s party. Jade should be happy I’ve cut back that much, but instead she’s yelling at me for having two beers.
I step back and throw my hands in the air. “This is fucking college, Jade. I’m not gonna swear off drinking for the next four years. That’s not even fair of you to ask. Do you know what a huge deal it was for me to not drink at that party yesterday? And people acted like something was wrong with me. Even my dad asked why I wasn’t drinking wine during dinner.”
“That’s messed up. You’re not even 21.”
“That’s how it is. I’m sorry if you don’t like it, but I’m not gonna lie to you. There’s gonna be times when I drink. And today I really wanted to drink more, but I held back because of you. And then you still get mad at me!”
“I understand why you did it. It’s a social thing. People expect you to drink. I get that. But I don’t have to like it. And I can’t be around you when I can smell it on you. I’ll see you later.”
I just let her leave. I need to calm down. I don’t like being told what to do. I already have enough people controlling my life. I don’t need to add another.
I get that Jade has issues with alcohol, but those are her issues, not mine. If she doesn’t want to drink, she doesn’t have to. But she can’t force those same rules on me.
I know I need to stop drinking so much but I’ve already cut way back. And Jade gives me no credit for that. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to meet me halfway. I should be able to have a few drinks without having her yell at me about it. But instead she makes it this all-or-nothing ultimatum.
I don’t know what this means for us. I don’t want to give up drinking altogether but I also don’t want to lose Jade. But for us to work, she can’t boss me around like that or put me down for making choices she doesn’t agree with.
I think we both just need some time to think about this.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
The next week I don’t see Jade other than in English. We say hi to each other in class but that’s about it.
Every night, Blake asks me to come over to his place to drink with him and Decker. It’s kind of a tradition with us. In high school, the three of us always hung out and drank, even during the school week. Decker and I would go to Blake’s house because his parents didn’t care if we drank and they always had the bar stocked.
Now the two of them are trying to resume our drinking nights here at college but I don’t want to get started down that path. I want to do well in my classes and I can’t do that if I’m hungover every morning.
The problem is I want a drink so bad it’s all I can think about. I feel like I need alcohol just to get through the day and the week. It’s what got me through all the days and weeks since my mom died. All the days and weeks I spent watching my dad change from a loving father into the asshole father he is now. I’m used to having alcohol to help me get through shit. And when I don’t have it, I think about how much I want it and need it.
I also need a drink because I’m pissed. I’m pissed that I had that fight with Jade. I’m pissed that I miss her this much. I’m pissed that I care so much about this girl. And I’m pissed that she’s making me re-evaluate what I’m doing and why.
This isn’t what I planned. My plan was to go to college and party and drink like everyone else. And I didn’t want a girlfriend, or anything even close to a girlfriend.
I want to be free to do what I want. That’s what college should be, right? That short time in your life when you’re free from your parents and free from adult responsibilities, like having to go to work or having a wife and kids. That’s the other thing that pisses me off. I know for a fact I never want to get married, but then the other night I had a dream that I was marrying Jade. It totally freaked me out. I mean, what the hell? I barely know her. And I don’t want to get married. Not now. Not ever. So why the hell did I have a dream about marrying Jade?
That dream was about the only time I’ve had any sleep this week. The past few nights I’ve spent mostly awake, thinking about all this. Thinking about what to do. Not just about Jade, but about me.
And last night, it finally hit me that I’m a mess. A fucked-up mess. I think I’m in control, but then the moment something pisses me off, I crave a drink. And if I’m being truthful, I don’t just crave it when I’m angry. I crave it when I’m sad or frustrated or lonely. And the only way I can make that shit go away is to drink.
I never thought about this until I met Jade. Everyone I know drinks, so we don’t question why we do it. But Jade made me question it. I don’t think she intended to, but she did. I thought I drank because it was fun and something to do, but it’s more than that. I drink to shove my problems away. I drink to avoid dealing with shit. I drink to get rid of the anger I feel toward my dad and Katherine and my fucked-up fake life.
Deep-down I already knew this about myself but I wouldn’t admit it. Because if I did, I’d have to admit I’m too weak to deal with shit on my own, without the help of a shot glass and a bottle of liquor. But now I’m admitting it to myself because I want to be stronger than that. I hate being weak and I never thought I was until I realized how much I was letting the alcohol take over my life.
Drinking less the past week has shown me I can get control over the alcohol. And I want to prove that to myself again, which is why I’m not drinking right now, even though I want a drink so damn bad I can’t stand it. But if Jade can go without drinking, I should be able to as well. I know she went through some kind of hell with her mom, and those memories are still with her but she doesn’t turn to alcohol to deal with it. I’m not sure how she deals with it. It kind of seems like she stuffs it all inside and pretends it doesn’t exist. Maybe I can help her with that. Just like she’s helped me see that I need to make some changes in my life. I need to start facing shit instead of drowning it with a bottle.
I’m not saying I’ll never drink again, but I don’t want to get wasted. Like on Sunday with the guys, those two beers were plenty. I didn’t need eight bottles or 10 or 12 or however many it would’ve taken
to get drunk. And by having just two, I proved to myself I can stop.
That was huge for me. That’s probably why I got so angry with Jade. She didn’t acknowledge what a big deal that was for me. But she also didn’t know it was a big deal. She doesn’t know my history with alcohol and she has her own history with it, so it wasn’t fair for either of us to go off like we did on each other.
Now that I’ve had time to cool down, I feel ready to talk to her again. It’s Friday night and I’d planned to go to a party with some guys on my floor. But I knew I’d be too tempted to drink so I told them to go without me.
Right now, I need a break from drinking. A complete break, meaning no alcohol, not even a beer. I need to prove to myself I’m strong enough to go without it.
I also skipped the party tonight because I really want to see Jade. I can’t believe how much I miss her. I even miss her insults and her sarcastic attitude. So I went to the store earlier today and got some more candy and soda and chips and I’m going to try to convince her to watch a movie with me in my room.
I go down to her floor at 8 to see if she’s there.
“Jade.” I knock several times on her door but she doesn’t answer. “Jade? It’s Garret.”
She opens the door. “What do you want?”
There’s the Jade I missed so much. And she’s pissed as hell as at me. Good. I was in the mood for a challenge. She’d probably thought I’d given up. Not even close. The challenge is back on, my cute, hot, irritating little friend.
“Well, that’s a hell of a greeting.” I smile at her. “I know it’s short notice, but I wanted to see if you want to watch a movie upstairs.” I lean against the door frame so she can’t close the door on me.
She doesn’t give me an answer so I say, “I have snacks if that sways your decision. I replenished the concession stand.”
She smiles. Shit, that was easy. I thought it’d take more than that to make her smile.
But the smile doesn’t last. “It’s Friday night. Shouldn’t you be out at a party?”
I shrug. “Didn’t feel like it. So are you coming or not?”
“I don’t know. I—”
“Hey, Garret.” I recognize the red fingernails going around my arm as I smell her perfume. It’s Ava. “Be my date for the party tonight.” She puts her mouth by my ear. “I’ll make it worth your time.”
“I already have plans,” I tell her, pushing away from her.
“Doing what?”
“We’re going to a movie,” Jade says to Ava.
It takes me completely by surprise. Jade wants to go to the movies with me? And she’s actually the one suggesting this, instead of me? Interesting.
I smile, keeping my eyes on Jade as I talk to Ava. “Yes. Jade and I are going to a movie. But have fun at the party.”
Ava makes some kind of noise and goes away.
“What movie do you want to see? I’ll check the times.” I get my phone out.
“What? No. I was just saying that to get rid of her.”
I find the theater and scan through the times. “Too late now. You told her and now it’s public knowledge. We have to go. If she sees us around here she’ll know we lied.”
“I don’t care if she knows we lied.”
“Let’s see. We missed the 7:30 show but there are four movies that start at 9 or a little after. Should I read them off?”
“Hold on.” She covers my phone screen with her hand. “I never said I was going to the movies.”
I take her hand off my phone. “You just said it. Like a minute ago.”
“Yeah, but—”
“Never mind. You’re taking too long to decide. I’ll just pick one. Is that what you’re wearing?”
She glances down at her t-shirt and running shorts. “Um, no. I guess not.”
I find a romantic comedy that’s playing. I’m sure Jade hates those, or at least pretends she does. So that’s what I’ll take her to. It’ll be freaking hilarious.
I put my phone away. “Can I come in? I’m kind of a target out here in the hall.”
“A target for what?” She steps aside and I go into her room.
“Girls fondling me.” I smile and say it with complete confidence.
“Please tell me you’re kidding. Because if you’re not, then I need to start upping the insults again to bring you back down to earth.”
I pretend to be serious. “You saw Ava just now. Girls just can’t help themselves. What can I say?”
Jade shakes her head as she goes to her dresser and opens the middle drawer. “I can help myself. I’m completely immune to whatever you think you’ve got going on over there.”
“Yeah, I know,” I mumble, disappointed that she still isn’t into me that way. I’m starting to think we’ll never be more than friends. “You need some help?”
“Why? You think I can’t dress myself?”
I meet her at the dresser, assessing the contents of the open drawer. “Everything in here is black.”
“Yeah.” She closes the drawer and opens the one under it. “And everything in here is white.”
“Where are your other shirts?”
“That’s it. Well, I have a few in the closet.”
I go to the closet and see a few more shirts, all black or white. “You only wear black or white?”
“Uh, yeah. Are you just getting that? You’ve seen me how many times and you’ve never noticed that?”
“Huh. I guess not.”
“It’s just easier that way. Black and white go with everything.” She takes a black t-shirt from the drawer.
“You should wear purple sometime.”
She laughs. “Purple? Are you joking?”
“What’s wrong with purple?”
“I’ve never worn anything purple in my life. I’ve never even considered it. It’s one of those weird colors that old ladies wear.”
“Lots of people wear purple. And with your green eyes, you would look great in purple.”
“I hate my green eyes. The last thing I want to do is draw attention to them.”
I go up to her and raise her chin with my hand so I can see those gorgeous green eyes. “How could you hate your eyes? They’re the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. Why do you think I’m always staring at them?”
“Yeah, that’s hilarious.” She shoves me back. “Now get out of here so I can change. Wait in the hall. I’ll be like two seconds.”
“Jade, you know I’m not safe out there.” I say it like I’m really afraid. “Did you see all those girls running around in towels and robes?”
She rolls her eyes. “I swear. The insults are coming, my friend. So tell your ego to get ready.”
I remain there, not moving.
“You’re really not leaving? Fine. Then turn around.”
I turn my back to her.
Seconds later she says, “Okay, I’m done.”
I look her up and down. “Yeah. You definitely need some color. The black and white thing is getting old.”
“Well, I’m not planning on buying new clothes so you’ll have to get over it.” She goes to her desk and starts searching for something. “How much are movie tickets? I haven’t been to a movie in years, so I have no clue. Six bucks? Seven?”
Again, the money thing. She needs to let this go. She has no money and I have so much money I can’t even spend it all.
“Don’t worry about it. Let’s go.”
“Garret, you’re not paying.”
“You just saved me from being man-handled by Ava. That’s at least worth the price of a movie ticket. Maybe even some popcorn, too.”
Surprisingly, she doesn’t argue with me. We go to the theater and as we walk by the concession stand, she eyes the popcorn like she really wants some, but then tells me not to get it because it costs too much. Like I’m really going to listen. She obviously doesn’t know me that well.
While she waits in the theater, I go out and get us a bucket of popcorn and two sodas.
“Gar
ret, I told you not to get anything,” she says when I get back.
“You have to get popcorn when you go to the movies. It’s like presents at Christmas. It’s tradition.”
She takes a sip of her soda and grabs a handful of popcorn. I knew she wanted it.
“I can’t believe you picked a romantic comedy.” She sounds so annoyed I almost laugh. “Do I seem like someone who would like that kind of movie?”
“No. That’s why I picked it. I thought it might sweeten you up a little.” I lean over and kiss her cheek. I think I’ll starting doing that more often. If she won’t let me kiss her lips, I’m going to at least kiss her cheek. She didn’t back away or yell at me when I did it, so who knows? Maybe she likes it.
“So what’s the last movie you saw?” I ask her.
“I can’t remember. I was like 15, so it’s been a while.”
“Why so long? You don’t like going to the movies?”
“I do, but it’s too expensive. And I didn’t have anyone to. . .”
She cuts herself off, but I know she was about to say she didn’t have anyone to go with her. I don’t think Jade had many friends growing up. Her tough attitude probably kept people away. It’s obvious she doesn’t like people getting too close. And yet she’s allowed me to see the part of herself she keeps hidden from everyone else. I’ve only seen glimpses of it but at least it’s something. And I hope that soon she’ll trust me enough to let me see even more.
After the movie, we go back to campus and I walk her to her room. When she opens the door, I follow her inside and take a seat on the bed.
“We should do this again,” I tell her. “It could be another tradition, like the pancake place. We could go every Friday night.”
“This was fun, but you need to go out like everyone else does on Friday night. Go to parties. I don’t want you missing out on stuff because of me.”
“I’m not missing out. If I wanted to go to a party, I’d go.” I take her hand and pull her down next to me. “I was planning on going to that party Ava was talking about, but then I thought about what it would actually be like when I was there and decided I’d rather be doing something with you. That’s why I came down here tonight.”
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