by Mari Brown
Table of Contents
Title Page
Dedication
Special Dedication
Acknowledgments
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Epilogue
Mari Brown Social Media Links
Other Works By Mari Brown
Twice Loved
Twice Loved
Copyright © 2015 Mari Brown
Kindle Edition
No portion of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in print or electronic form without permission.
This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, any place, events or occurrences, is purely coincidental. The characters and story lines are created from the author’s imagination or are used fictionally. The subject matter is not appropriate for minors. Please note that this novel contains profanity, explicit sexual situations, drug and alcohol consumption.
Printed in the United States of America
First Printed, 2016
Zebra Publications, Summerdale, AL 36580
Cover Design by QueenB Graphics
Editing By QueenB Editing
Formatting by Sheila Rivera
Dedication
This book is for all those who live and love in relationships that aren’t “traditional”. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re wrong because it’s not what they would do. It’s your life; live and love how you want to!
Special Dedication
Hulk- 20 years…who knew? We have had ups and downs but we have weathered every storm because we talk openly and listen to one another and work at finding a compromise. The last two years we have embarked on a new journey. You’ve given me a gift of love. One that has brought many changes to our life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being my lover, my best friend and my husband for the last twenty years. I Love You Always!
JuJu- One year. I had no clue that we would come to mean so much to one another. The crazy laughs, the friendship, the walks in nature. We weren’t looking for each other but we here we are. We have had ups and downs as we all adjusted to the poly lifestyle. I can’t imagine life without you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the last year. Even though our relationship has changed much over the year, I’m glad I will always be able to call you friend. I Meow You Forever!
Acknowledgments
Lilly- To my partner in crime in more ways than one. Writing partners, sisters separated by birth and an ocean. The world should be thankful we don’t live near each other.
Hyper Photography- the Beautiful photos that have been used for the cover and teasers.
Beta Readers- As always thank you for your time and dedication to helping me make my novel the best it can be for the public at large.
Feisty Cats- You ladies are the cat’s meow! I love the fun times and discussions we have. Playing games, sharing special previews with y’all. I think of you has friends not fans!
Readers/Bloggers- Without you none of this would be possible. Thank you for choosing to my read my books. Share my books with those you know.
Prologue
6 months ago…
Tears stream down the faces of all those around the gravesite. It’s always dreadful when you lose someone, but when taken from you too soon it makes it harder. Today, I’m burying my husband, Steve taken from me when he was only thirty-nine.
Steve and I were eighteen when we met. I was a student at community college while waitressing at Waffle House. Steve and some of his fraternity brothers, from the bigger university in town came into the diner one night after a party and for the next three months, he showed up for every shift I worked. He always made sure he sat in my section. That was how an eighteen-year relationship of love started for us.
Our children are on either side of me, my arms wrapped around them. The three of us hold on to each other tightly as we watch them lower Steve’s coffin into the ground. The splintering pain in my chest is unbearable. It’s as if it’s imploding on me. I can’t even begin to fathom what my children are feeling. Logically I know only time will heal all of us from this loss. The mother in me wants to fix it for them. Take away their pain. As their mother I should be able to make it all better and I can’t and it’s killing me.
Family begins making their way back to their cars. My parents move a respectable distance away but still nearby if, we need them. Steve’s parents walk back to their car. His mother and I had a falling out months ago. She has hated me ever since. Right now my only concern is the loss of my other half. The man I loved over half my life.
My son moves closer and kneels down tears in his eyes as he mouths words I can’t hear. He stands and turns toward me wrapping me in a huge hug as his older sister steps up to the grave. I keep an eye on her as I hug my son tightly. He lets go and speed walks into my mother’s waiting arms. Knowing my mom has him safely in her arms my attention goes back to my sobbing daughter. Her body shakes with her tears. She stands up and I move behind her. She leans back against me. My arm goes around her.
“He shouldn’t be gone mom” she manages to say through her tears.
“I know baby I know.”
I stroke my hand through her hair trying to comfort her when right now there is little comfort to be found. She turns and buries her head into my chest. I hold my little girl as she mourns the loss of her father. My eyes briefly scan the cemetery, my mom is still holding my son close to her and my dad is watching me. He’s waiting to swoop in and help his little girl but this time I have to stand on my own two feet.
“Go to your granddaddy. I need to say goodbye to your daddy now.”
My daughter walks to my father who takes her into his arms and my mother meets my eyes. Her mouth moves and she ushers my family away from the gravesite to our car.
I fall to my knees. My body shakes as I sob uncontrollably. It’s as if a dam broke in me. Everything that I have been holding in the last year finally tumbles out of me. Why did Steve have to get sick? Why did he leave me alone? It doesn’t matter that I look like a fool or that I am getting filthy as I peer down at the coffin.
Familiar arms wrap around me. I freeze. Arms that should not be around me right now. Arms I haven’t felt in months. Ones I should not be familiar with at all at this point in my life. I shakily stand up to face the man holding me.
“You shouldn’t be here,” I whisper
“I couldn’t stay away.”
The comfort his arms brings me right now make me forget where I am for a moment. I scan the line of waiting cars. Steve’s mother is staring at me with hate. My family’s sympathetic eyes are on me.
“Thank you” I step around him “I have to go.”
I never turn back as I walk away from both of the men I love.
Chapter One
“Mom!”
Noah, my sixteen-year-old son’s voice sounds through the house. I picture his 6’1” muscular frame much like his father’s and shake my head as I realize he has not stopped growing yet.
“I’m in here.”
I call out from the dining room. I’m sitting in a chair silent tears streaming down my face. He can hear the tears in my voice but I don’t know how to hide it.
“Mom?”
Noah’s voice is quieter and closer, his arms wrap around me engulfing me in a hug.
After almost a year of being used as a hospital room, I am trying to make it a dining room again. The furniture is scattered around the room. Last weekend I spent the entire time prepping the room for this weekend’s tasks. It doesn’t help. The room still reminds me of Steve’s decline in health and premature death. The past two years of my life have been chaos to say the least.
Steve started having stomach issues. After a quick succession of doctors and specialists it didn’t take long for us to get a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. Sadly, by the time he had symptoms it was too late the only thing the doctors were able to do for him was treat him and give him quality of life. There was no cure for him. He had to be bathed, fed, and all other basic life needs had to be done for him. He was no longer the man I met and fell in love with. He was not the man I spent my life married too. In two short years, everything changed for our family.
“I’m fine son.” My voice shakes with each word I speak.
“Right mom.” He moves around to kneel in front of me his hand swipes a tear from my face “That’s why you’re sitting here crying. Let us help you please.”
His voice pleads with me at the end and I realize my stubbornness is hurting my children. They need to be part of this as well.
“Go get your sister. Let’s do this as a family.”
Noah runs off to find Olivia, his sister who is only older by eleven months. Steve and I were blessed with Olivia and Noah early in our marriage. Olivia was conceived on our honeymoon. Neither of us waited for graduation from college we had to be together. We spent the first seventeen years of our marriage in peace and harmony. Steve and I had our share of arguments, but we were always able to talk through them and our motto was never to go to bed mad at each other. Even when he was first diagnosed, there was no way I could picture my life without him. Now here I sit a widow of six months.
“Mom?” Olivia’s voice calls out to me.
“Hey baby.” I turn to face my children standing in the doorway “I thought we could work on putting the dining room back together as a family.”
Huge grins break out across my children’s faces. I have made them happy including them in this. I should have from the beginning instead of trying to do it all myself. It takes us the rest of the weekend and a pizza delivery to have the dining room done. The beautiful teak table and chairs sits in the center of the pale gray room. I kept the redecorating simple. The walls were painted gray with black trim so that anything would go with it. The teak hutch holding my china pattern I received when I married Steve was on the far wall. It was simple yet elegant at the same time. I still wasn’t sure I could eat in this room yet but at least it was no longer empty.
Tears fall again as I stand looking around the room. The loss of Steve is so raw. Some days are better than others but doing the dining room has ripped the Band-Aid off. The arms of my children wrap around me and as I sob, I clutch them close to me. I hold them tight not wanting to ever let go. They are my life now. Olivia and Noah are all I have left to live for. Steve is gone and not coming back.
In the back of my mind, I think of him and tell myself not to go there. I do not deserve a second chance at love.
Those moments by Steve‘s gravesite cross my mind, I let myself bask in the warmth, and comfort the memory of his arms brought me. I try not to let myself remember how he makes me feel now is not the time or place. I should have stayed at home where I belonged all those months ago. I lost two men I loved in less than a year.
“Call him mom.” Olivia’s voice breaks through.
“Call who honey?” I ask trying to play off what my own daughter is telling me to do.
“You know who! Don’t let Grandma Mae’s attitude keep you from another chance at happiness.” Her body heaves with a giant sigh “Daddy wouldn’t want you miserable. Daddy loved you and he wanted you happy.”
“It’s not that easy baby.” My eyes scan my children’s faces. Both of them are in agreement that I should call him. My time came and went for that to happen. It is my fate in life to be alone.
Steve’s illness and death plus giving up another chance of love in this life had me feeling loss in a way I never thought I would. No one understands this feeling deep inside me. It takes a much stronger woman to love two men then you can ever imagine. There are parts still eating me alive with guilt that I went on to live my life while my husband was at home sick. I tried to keep the kids’ lives as normal as possible. Olivia with cheerleading and Noah with football. I stayed at my teaching job up until the last three months of Steve’s life.
A year ago everything changed even more in my life…
My girlfriend Haley and I began going out once a week. It was a way for me to relax and unwind. Steve’s decline was hard on each of us. It was hard watching the man I love disappear day by day. One night we found ourselves in a small bar on the edge of town. It was a Friday night, and the place was full. Haley and I had been shooting pool when four men came into the bar. There was one guy with brown hair and almost silver eyes that caught my attention. He strutted into the bar like he owned the place. Hell for all I knew he did own the place. He and his friends all wore uniforms from a garage nearby. It was obvious they were here to begin their weekend. I blame Haley to some degree that I even met the Silver Stud. He had a buddy who Haley kept flirting with from across the room. After half an hour of smiles, winks, and stolen glances, the blonde haired man came to our table.
“Hey beautiful.”
Haley swooned. I rolled my eyes. How much more cheesy could the guy be in trying to pick up my friend?
“Would you beauties like to join my friends and me for some drinks?”
Haley’s brown eyes turned toward me and I see the plea in them she wants to go but she would turn him down if I said no. I sigh. I give her a tight smile my signal to say we could do it. That was my first mistake.
“I’m Jake.”
“Haley and this is my friend Lori.”
Haley introduces us while standing up moving close to Jake. I stand up grabbing my rum and coke as I follow behind them. The other three men are watching us as we cross the room. I admit I’m slightly nervous by the whole thing. I’m a married woman with two teenage children and a dying husband at home. Should I really be sitting at a table with a group of strange men in a bar?
It doesn’t matter once we reach the table. Silver Stud, as I was calling him for now, stands up and beams a gorgeous smile at me. He blinds me. I am unsettled by it. He makes me nervous.
“Jake how did you manage to score the hot chicks?” This comes from a bald headed portly man who is the jokester of the group it’s easy to see that.
Pulling a chair out Silver Stud motions for me to have a seat. I’m taken back by his manners. They seem out of place.
“Please have a seat. I’m Tate.”
I can’t stop the smile that crosses my face. “Lori.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
The other guys introduce themselves to Haley and I and that’s how we meet Jake, Pete, Mike and Tate. It was the beginning of something I just didn’t know it until later.
Hearing Olivia’s voice brings me out of the memory of that night.
“Mom call him. What were you thinking about? It made you smile.”
“Honey I know you mean well. I love your daddy and I miss him so much. I’m not ready to be with som
eone new.”
“He’s not someone new!” This time it’s Noah speaking up.
I don’t understand my children. When they first found out about Tate I was their least favorite person. To find out their mom wasn’t perfect hurt them more than anything. It was a shock to everyone when I came out about my relationship with Tate.
I spent a year of my life with Tate. I loved Steve with my whole heart. I wouldn’t leave him for anything but I needed what Tate gave me during that time. He gave me freedom from responsibility. He gave me fun and laughter. The good times to balance the bad ones. The sex was an added bonus. Oh who am I kidding that man made my panties melt with just a few words. It was like that from the beginning.
“I love y’all and I appreciate what you are saying to me. It’s just not meant to be. It should have never happened.”
“Mom! Seriously? I hated what was going on with Tate and I wasn’t kind to you in the beginning but Tate and you had something special. It’s different from what you had with daddy but Tate made you happy too.” My daughter’s words hit me hard. Tears well up in my eyes. I love that my daughter is not afraid to speak to me openly.
“He did make me happy. It’s just not happening.”
“You are stubborn and punishing yourself for no reason.” My daughters parting words stick with me. Was she right? Was I punishing myself?
Was the guilt of loving Tate while I still loved Steve what kept me from letting myself find happiness again? Plus there was no guarantee that Tate would even talk to me again. I hurt him when I left him. He made it clear if I walked out the door that last night to not expect him to chase me. Nor would he be waiting for me to come to my senses.
Tate had an uncanny ability to turn off his emotions at the drop of a hat. It was one of his most annoying traits. Time after time during our relationship I questioned how real his feelings for me were. If he was angry he would turn his emotions off and effectively punish me. He pushed me away time and time again in this manner. However it never failed he always came back around and always made me feel as if I was special. He would apologize for pushing me away. His childhood and past relationships had turned him into this person but it was not something I understood at all. I never understood why I kept going back to him.