Twice Loved

by Mari Brown

  “What if I can be that guy?”

  I scoff. I believe that like I believe the grass is purple right now.

  “I can be faithful.”

  “Right!” The sarcasm drips heavily in my voice. His eyes cloud back from lust to anger. I’m not sure why he’s getting angry I’m just stating facts.

  “I’m going to prove you wrong.”

  “Uh huh.” I can’t allow myself to believe him. It would hurt too much when he lets me down.

  “Be prepared Princess. I’m going to win you over. I love a fucking challenge!”

  “Tate don’t!”

  “Too late Princess.”

  His lips crash on mine again this time the kiss is softer. No less hungry though. It’s like he’s trying to tell me something with this kiss. However, I won’t trust him. I just can’t. It doesn’t stop me from kissing him back though. I love this man. I love the way he makes me feel when we are together. I’m going to have to guard my heart carefully.

  Knock knock

  “Is everything okay in there?” Haley’s voice calls through the closed door.

  “Everything is fine.” My voice is breathless and shaky but I try to sound as strong as I can.

  “Just checking. I’ll leave you alone.”

  Turning back to Tate. My face hardens. I mentally prepare myself.

  “Tate just let me go…”

  “Not happening Princess! You’re mine!” His body is pressed against mine. We stand so close together our breath intermingles.

  “Whatever.” I turn from him reaching for the door. Tate lets me leave the room, but he follows right behind me. As we walk back into the living room Jake and Haley look at us. Jake smirks. Haley is concerned.

  “I’m preparing to shock everyone.” Tate announces to no one in particular.

  “How you goin’ to do that man?” Haley and I exchange a silent glance. Jake speaks to Tate as if they are the only two in the room.

  “I’m goin’ to settle down find me a good woman.” His gaze travels to me “Win her over and marry the bitch.”

  “You did not just say that?” I cry out in frustration.

  “I did and you can’t stop me.”

  “I don’t have to be with you.”

  “Keep telling yourself that Princess.”

  My fists ball up into the side of my legs. I am exasperated with the douchebag standing in front of me.

  “Um Lori why don’t you run to the store with me?” Haley quickly calls out to stop possible bloodshed in her apartment.

  “Sure.” I say a little harshly as I eye Tate. I’m so pissed at him right now. How dare he claim that shit in front of our friends.

  “You can’t run from me Princess.” he gives me a lazy smirk of satisfaction.

  “I’m not running asshole I’m walking away.” Once outside the apartment with Haley my body begins to shake.

  “Are you okay?”

  “No, why is he torturing me this way?” My hands rake through my hair as I try desperately to deal with the frustration.

  “Maybe he’s serious” I give her a look. "What it’s possible?”

  “I can’t take that risk with my heart.”

  We walk quietly to her car. Each of us lost in our own thoughts. I can’t believe Tate just came in and grabbed me like that. Nor can I believe he announced he was going to marry me. Who the hell does he think he is? I mean seriously!

  “I can ask Jake to keep Tate away when you’re around.” Haley says once we are in the car headed to the store.

  “No we can’t do that to Jake. He and Tate go way back.” Honestly I’m an adult and I can be in the same room as Tate. Hopefully he can learn to be around me without the caveman bullshit.

  “I don’t want you hurt by him Lori.”

  Sighing I can’t disagree with her. I don’t want me hurt either but sometimes that’s just life. Life has lessons for us. Some of them easy some of them not. Steve being diagnosed with cancer was one of the hardest things I ever went through. Leaving Tate was the second hardest. I am not sure my heart can take much more.

  I would rather protect myself then risk it. I might be wrong in making this choice but it’s mine to make. I’m the one who has to live with it. Not my kids, not my friends, just me. I would find happiness in being alone.

  Haley pulls in and parks at the supermarket. I follow her inside still having no clue what we are here to get. She snakes around the registers and heads straight for the beer aisle. I should have known. Jake and Tate are at the house of course beer would be needed. She loads a couple cases of beer in the buggy.

  “You sure you’re okay? You’re way to quiet.”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying to not let Tate affect me anymore than he already has.

  As we climb back into the car, I begin preparing myself to deal with Tate. I promised Haley I would help her get this stuff packed this weekend and I would not let him cause me to back out on my friend. When we pull back into Haley’s complex I’m a little surprised to see Noah’s car parked out front of the building. Even more surprising is walking back into her apartment and seeing Olivia and Noah both.

  “What are y’all doing here?” I ask my children.

  “We were bored.” Olivia is the one who answers. Her eyes keep looking at Tate and back to me. I feel like I’m missing something.

  “And you decided to come hang out with us?” I can’t keep the skepticism from my tone. There is something not right about this whole situation. “What am I missing?” Noah squirms in his seat. As does Olivia now I know something is up. “What the hell is going on? Y’all are squirming like you’re in trouble.”

  Both of my children glance over to Tate. What has he done now? Is he bringing my kids into his sick twisted game? If so that’s not cool at all.

  “I invited them over told them I was treating everyone to dinner tonight.”

  “You did what?” I whip around to face Tate. My irritation level is near boiling point with this man.

  “You heard me.”

  I march toward Tate stopping in front of him. My body heaves as I try to control the tantrum I want unleash. “Can I talk to you in the other room?”

  “NO!” he replies rather stiffly.

  “Now Tate!” I don’t wait for him to reply as I march back toward Haley’s office. He’s smart and follows me with a stupid smirk on his face and a much slower pace.

  “How dare you call my kids?” I say to him as I shut the door.

  “I want to have dinner with you and I knew you wouldn’t say no if I invited your kids, Haley and Jake.” he has the grace to look a little sheepish.

  “Unfuckingbelievable! Why won’t you just leave me alone?”

  He gets right up in my face. His breath fanning across my skin. “I told you I was going to win you over, I’m going to make you believe in me.”

  “Right good luck with that asshole… and don’t use my kids to do it.”

  Tate continues to give me that cocky smirk of his. He looks so confidant. Strangely that is one of the things about him I love, his arrogant attitude. Pissed I am getting wet between my legs as Tate and I fight I back away from him. He steps in closer, my back hits the wall. My breathing becomes a little labored as I fight being turned on.

  “You may win tonight because I don’t want to cause a scene in front of my kids but I’m so not done with you.”

  “That’s good Princess because I’m far from done with you. You will come around.” He is speaking softly by my ear. It causes goosebumps to break out over my body. He stands in front of me. Not moving not letting me leave the room. “You are mine. When you get that… we won’t have a problem.”

  “Get out of my face douchebag!” That is my intelligent reply to Tate.

  I maneuver around him. I lose all reasoning when he’s around. I don’t think I just feel. He makes me forget everything logical in me. I hate that. I hate the power he has over me. It was one thing to give him power in
the bedroom but my heart. I couldn’t let him control my heart. I’m such a mess I’m fumbling with the doorknob having trouble opening it.

  He opens the door behind me as his lips brush across my neck. “You’re turned on right now! Don’t even deny it.”

  He’s right I am. I won’t. Doesn’t mean I have to like it or him.

  “AHHHHH!!!!!” I cry in frustration as I push past him. I plaster on a fake smile I rejoin everyone else in the living room. “Well it looks like we are all having dinner together tonight.”

  Tate, Jake, and Noah head to the grocery store. It's decided we will grill out at Haley’s place that way more packing can be done without us stopping and going out somewhere as a group. I sigh as the door closes behind them. It gives me a few moments of respite.

  “Mom?” My daughter’s sweet voice calls out. “What’s going on with you and Tate?” My daughter is beautifully innocent. She has made it through most of her life without the drama I went through at her age. I was a rebel, my poor parents had their hands full with me.

  “Tate has decided that he wants to win me over. I refuse to let him.” I tell my daughter truthfully. She’s old enough for me to talk straight with her. I shouldn’t have to hold her hand to get her through this conversation.

  “I really don’t understand.” She scratches the side of her head, “Is this because of what Grandma Mae said? Even when Daddy was sick Tate helped make you happy on some level.”

  “It’s not that simple.” I pull my feet up under me on the couch. “It's so much more complicated. One day hopefully you will understand my choices.”

  “Do you even understand your choices mom?” My daughter is smart, too smart for her own good. The wisdom she shows in that one simple question takes me back and I find myself smiling at her in pride even while I’m pissed as hell at Tate for doing this to me.

  “I don’t know baby. I just don’t know.”

  “No your mom is being a world class idiot but I get why she is.” Haley inserts her two cents into the conversation.

  “Thanks Friend!” Nothing like a little sarcasm and smartassness to break the tension as the three of us smile at one another.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The guys come back to Haley’s loaded down with bags of food. It appears they went all out for the evening. The guys do some minor prep work in the kitchen before heading out on Haley’s little patio and firing up the grill. I should probably be concerned about the influence that Jake and Tate will have on Noah but I’m not. I trust them with my son. It scares the shit out of me to be honest.

  “What are you going to do about him?” Haley asks once the guys are outside. I glance over at Olivia. She too is waiting with anticipation for my answer. Everyone is ganging up on me.

  “I’m not sure. I told him we were through and not to waste his time.”

  “What if he’s serious? What if he really does want to be with you now? After all you’re no longer married. Nothing holding you two back from a real relationship this time.”

  I squirm in my seat now I am the one in trouble. “I just can’t.”

  “I think the only reason Tate was never serious about you before was because you were unavailable. He knew you wouldn’t be free as long as Steve was alive.”

  “She has a point mom.” Shocked that my daughter speaks up and even more surprised that she is slightly defending Tate.

  “I just don’t know if I can do it. Can I put my trust in him? My heart was cracked losing Steve and Tate within months of each other. Tate and I broke up and three months later Steve passed away. It’s a wonder I survived the pain of a double broken heart. It would be my undoing if Tate shattered it completely this time”

  “You’re scared I get it.” Haley is sitting beside me and her hand reaches out and pats me knee as she speaks. But you didn’t die with Steve. Let yourself live.”

  “Dad wouldn’t want you denying yourself happiness mom.” Olivia, sitting in a chair nearby, brushes a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “I didn’t like the whole Tate and you thing at first but Daddy talked to me before he died.” She gets a wistful look on her face as she speaks of her father. “He supported you and Tate and that’s what I want to do.”

  “No promises but I’ll think about it.” Tears form in my eyes, I rapidly blink them away. I lift the beer bottle on the table up to my lips. I take a long pull savoring the taste in my mouth. Can I do it? Can I trust Tate with my heart a second time?

  Noah rushes in the patio door. His smile beams from ear to ear. I’m glad to see he is having a good time. “Tate is giving me pointers on how to ask a girl out.”

  “What?” I choke out.

  “Yea there’s this girl I want to ask out, and he’s telling me how I can guarantee she’ll say yes.”

  “I see.”

  Noah gives me a look, one that says I’m freaking out over nothing. “Mom don’t worry it’s all good.”

  “Okay honey.” I trust Noah. He’s a good boy. His dad and I raised him the right way. Hopefully Tate is respecting that by not corrupting my son to his manwhore ways.

  The night goes by quickly. We eat our meal which is heaven sent. Laughter has rung out across the apartment all night. I’m enjoying myself. It’s so easy to be around Tate. He makes it easy. Yet that easy is also hard… hard to resist.

  The kids head out around eight. They are going home to get ready to attend a party at a friend’s house.

  “You know the rule…”

  “Yes mom. We drink, we don’t drive, we call you.” Noah replies in a smartass tone. I kind of want to smack him.

  “Be safe I love y’all.”

  “Love you.” is chorused back to me. They tell the other adults goodbye and they are out the door.

  I stand up gathering up empty bottles and other trash to take into the kitchen. The least I can do is help Haley clean up after our little dinner party.

  “Come home with me tonight?” Tate startles me as he comes into the kitchen behind me.

  “Tate please don’t.”

  “Princess just come home with me. Let me love you tonight.”

  He’s killing me. I don’t want him to just love me tonight I want him to love me forever. That is why this is so hard for me. I want him forever. A year of stolen moments with him was never enough. I wanted more and I couldn’t have it. Tate was never faithful. He was always looking for the next woman to bang. It sounds like he was rude and disrespectful but for the most part he was charming and made each one feel special for the moment. I saw the kind of man he was. I loved him anyway. It’s just I wanted more.

  I want the happily ever after. We grow old together. We fight, we make up. I wanted someone I could share the stupid daily things with. Even if he didn’t care about them he would listen to me. Make me feel like every word I said was important to him. It would be important to him because he loved me and cared about me. It wouldn’t just be about what he wanted but what I wanted too.

  I want a man who is a better man just because I’m by his side. I stand by my man and love him no matter what. I was asking for the impossible to want that again. I had it with Steve, maybe he was the only one I was ever meant to have it with. Was I asking for the impossible?

  “Princess…”

  Oh right Tate is still standing here and I’m zoned out in my own head. How do I answer him? I don’t know what to do. I would love to go home with him and let him have his wicked way with me but could I do it and walk away from him again?

  I don’t think I can. “Tate please… don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

  “Fuck Princess! Why won’t you let me in?”

  “I did let you in… and it didn’t work out for us.” I turn to walk back in the living room he grabs me by the arm. Yanking me into him, I come to a halt.

  “I’m not giving up this time. I’m not pushing you away and I’m sure as fuck not letting you walk away from me. I’m fighting for you this time.”

  Like that… the wall I’m trying to
build crumbles. I can’t resist him anymore.

  “Okay.” I say softly. I have no other words.

  “Okay?”

  “Fine Tate do whatever you want you always do.”

  I’m resigned to the fact that I’m going to have to fight him. He’s made up his mind and that’s all there is to it. He’s stubborn that way. I pull myself free and walk through the living room ignoring my friends as I head out to the patio to smoke. I need a few moments alone, to gather my wits about me.

  As I drag on my cigarette, I think about another time with Tate. A time when it was fun and carefree. There was no expectations no pressure. We simply enjoyed being with one another. It didn’t matter if it was in or out of the bedroom. I could handle that again. I could handle being his friend and sometimes lover. What I could not handle was him toying with my emotions.

  If Tate could agree to that with me again, we could be together. I could keep my feelings locked deep inside. But he had to play fair and not play on them. Could he do that? It’s possible. My mind is made up I’m going to talk to Tate about it. I’ll tell him I will follow him tonight so that we can talk.

  ***

  I pull in behind Tate’s truck an hour later. I turn my car off rubbing my hands on my shorts. They are a little sweaty. I’m nervous about what I’m getting ready to do. What I’m going to be asking Tate to do.

  My door opens.

  “You getting out Princess?” His cocky smirk is back. I want to smack it off his face.

  “Yea… I just need to grab my purse.”

  He gives me a hand out of the car. I love how he is always a gentleman with me. Opening doors, lighting my cigarettes. He has the makings for a good relationship he just chooses not to do it. I often wonder if he does it on purpose. Does he sabotage his own relationships? I often felt like he tried to do that with me. Always talking about how he didn’t deserve someone like me. That I was too good for someone like him. Didn’t he realize it was my choice to make? I was the only one with a right to choose who I loved.

  “Can I get you a drink?”

  “Sweet Tea?” I ask hopeful. Knowing he would have sweet tea in the fridge with beer. Even if there is nothing else in there.