by Mari Brown
“I understand what y’all are saying to me. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to fight this time.” I’m not just talking about fighting for Tate. I’m talking about fighting for love period. Going through all I did when Steve was dying, when I was seeing Tate the first time, being there for my kids, and working. It took its toll on me. I used a lot of will and strength to get through those dark days. I don’t know if I can do it again. Can I be the rock for everyone when I’m as fragile as spun glass?
“Mom you are one of the strongest people I know.” Olivia tries to encourage me. I love this girl. Steve would be so proud of the young woman she is becoming. The wisdom she already shows for such a young age.
“I won’t give up without a fight.” I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince with those words them or myself.
Chapter Thirty
Tate is distracted the next couple weeks while dealing with LuAnn. We see each other every night like normal. We sleep together every night like normal. What’s not fucking normal is we aren’t having sex. Hell he hasn’t even asked for a blow job. I know something is wrong. Tate has always at least wanted that nightly.
“Are you stressed?” I ask him one night. As I lay in my bed watching him strip from his work clothes and head into my bathroom.
“What?” he asks me distractedly.
“You haven’t touched me in two weeks. Haven’t even asked for me to give you head.” I keep my gaze on Tate who is now looking at me strangely. “That’s not normal. Your either worried or fucking another woman.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? Lori I should spank your ass. I’m in bed with you every fucking night.”
I sit up in bed. “Calm down. I asked if you were stressed before I brought another woman up that should tell you something.”
“Yea you still don’t fucking trust me or you wouldn’t have said it at all.” He marches into the bathroom. The faint sounds of metal scraping trails out as he turns on the faucets. I jump out of bed and follow him into the bathroom.
“I’m trying to be here for you but you make it fucking hard!” I struggle to keep myself from yelling at him in frustration. He pisses me off when he shuts me out like this.
“Trying to be here for me? By what accusing me of cheating?” Tate is pissed and hurt is in his tone.
“You know what never mind” I huff as I turn and walk back into my bedroom. I begin picking clothes off the floor and slinging them around. I really want to hurl things at Tate but I refrain. I storm back in the bathroom “Fuck you!”
“Excuse me?” he calls from behind the shower curtain.
“You heard me!” my arms go across my chest. “I’m trying to be supportive and you want to be an asshole.” I pace the small tiled bathroom floor. “I’m not the one you’re pissed at so don’t take that shit out on me!”
“Supportive?” I hear a faint snort “You just basically asked if I was screwing someone else.”
“Well fuck, you haven’t touched me, it’s a possibility!” I yell at him. I don’t even care anymore. He’s pissed me off with his attitude. It’s not about the sex it’s about the attitude.
“You’re right I’ve been stressed the fuck out. I can’t get rid of the crazy bitch!”
“Well you aren’t the only one." I snap “I have to deal with her too!”
Then suddenly I burst into a great flood of tears. I slam the toilet lid down and plop. I bury my face in my hands as the tears fall. I’m at a breaking point. I’m lost and confused. I love Tate and I want to be here for him but he’s always pushing me away and shutting me out. If he would just talk to me it would help both of us.
“Why are you crying?” Tate’s head peeks around the curtain. His tone is softened. “I hate when you do that shit!”
“Well I’m sorry!” Sniffles follow. “I can’t just stop crying because you don’t like it!”
Tate’s chuckle bounces around the room. “Princess, take your clothes off!”
“What?” I ask baffled.
“Take your clothes off.” his eyes pierce me “and get in this fucking shower with me now!”
“Um… okay” a little shell shocked I begin stripping my clothes off. This only pisses me off more. I’m mad at him but he gives a command and I obey. Damn my pussy for throbbing right now. She is betraying me.
I move toward the shower, Tate shifts back allowing me room to climb in. I step in and immediately warm water hits my skin. I watch as droplets bead and run down my arm. Tate reaches out and pulls me to him. Our bodies smack as wet skin comes in contact with wet skin. His head dips in and nestles in the crook of my neck. His warm breath sends chills across me as it mixes with the dampness of the water. I shiver.
“I fuckin’ love you bitch!” Tate whispers as he sighs next to me ear “I’m sorry I’ve been a dick.”
My body relaxes against him. I let Tate’s arms embrace and hold me. Tears still pool just beneath my lids but I try to keep them from falling again.
“I love you too asshole… so stop pushing me away.”
Tate’s mouth descends on my neck. He goes straight for the sweet spot. The one that send my juices flowing and my heart racing every time. This is what I like about being with this man he remembers what I like and he uses it to his advantage, it may also be what I don’t like about him. I’m a mixed up bag of emotions when it comes to him.
His mouth gently suckles on my neck, it’s not enough to leave a mark but it’s enough for me to feel it from head to toe. I tilt my neck to the side giving him more access. His lips caress my skin. His breath fans across my ear as he moves his head up. I shiver again. Tate’s mouth comes down on mine his head leans down and in toward my lips. I anticipate them. It’s like home when our lips touch.
As he breaks the kiss a look crosses his eyes, its lust mixed with anger. My body quakes with nervousness as I continue holding his gaze. I’m not sure I didn’t just become prey to him. I step back almost involuntarily. He grabs hold of me pulling me tight into him. He nips at my bottom lip then shoves me hard against the shower wall. My breathing comes short and shallow. My heart is racing. It may jump out of my chest at any moment. His hand comes up around my throat. My eyes blink rapidly. The blood flow is restricted but not completely shut off. A normal person would be scared. Instead I feel my own juices flow down my legs even in the shower.
“I’m going to show you that not only do I own you but you own me.” Tate’s husky words are like lava flowing over my body.
I can’t even make an intelligible reply. He nibbles on my lower lip again. A moan escapes me. My mouth parts slightly. His tongue slips in. He gives me a short kiss before pulling back from me again. His hand falls from my throat as he steps toward me pressing his slick body against mine. His hardness is evident between us as it rests on my thigh. He presses harder into me. I gasp.
“Tate.”
“Yes Princess.” His words are whispered in my ear.
“Please” I beg him. I’m not sure exactly what I’m begging for at this point.
“What do you want?”
My breathing labors as Tate speaks. The sexual tension is so thick. “You. Gawd …I just want you!”
He gives me a short open mouth kissed before licking along my jawline to my ear, “I’m all yours princess.”
With that his hands begin caressing me all over. Logical thought ceases. I just feel.
***
Two days later I find myself taking off work early. I’ve been having some symptoms of a UTI and decide it’s better to be safe than sorry at my age. Who knows what can happen.
“Nothing major is wrong with you right?” Haley asks me in the teachers’ lounge as I’m preparing to leave.
“No MOM!” I laugh at her, “I think it’s a bladder infection or something.”
“Oh okay.” she has sadness shining through in her eyes.
“Have you even tried talking to him?” I ask quietly.
“No I ignore all his texts and calls and he doesn’t dare just
show up at your house right now.” She answers me.
I made sure Jake didn’t show up at my house. Told him he would be removed whatever it took if he did. He wasn’t to try to see her in person without her saying it was okay. Tate actually backed me up the afternoon I said that at the garage and it surprised me a little.
“I’m out of here.”
I hit the local coffee shop which has a drink they call the icerageous which is better than anything that Starbucks would sell. I order the Irish kiss icerageous. The thought of drinking this sends me almost to the brink of an orgasm.
I happily sip on my drink as I make my way to my doctor’s office. I have about twenty-five minutes before my appointment time. I reach into my bag and pull out my new book by Lilly Rayman. A few moments of reading pleasure while I wait sounds really good. I sign in at the desk and find a chair in a quiet corner and open my book.
Time flies as I’m reading it’s not long until I hear “Ms. Madison.”
Glancing up I see the nurse in the open door. I quickly mark my place in the book and follow her into the back of the office. She gets my weight and looks at my chart. “Let’s go ahead and get a urine since you’re complaining of issues.”
I take the sealed cup and walk into the bathroom. There is nothing worse than going to the bathroom on demand. I’m thankful when it doesn’t take long and I can set the cup in the metal box. I move to the sink and wash my hands thoroughly. Once I’m ready I step into the hall. The nurse is waiting with a bright smile.
“Follow me.” she motions me on down the hall. I enter the exam room taking a seat on the table. She wraps a blood pressure cuff on my arm, sticks a thermometer in my ear. Oh the joys of visiting the doctor office.
She writes everything down in my chart and asks me a few questions then adds them to the chart as well. She smiles brightly one more time. “Doctor will be with you shortly.”
She pulls the door closed behind her and I pull my book out once again. It’s not quite as comfortable trying to read sitting on this stupid table so I give up and toss my book on the little counter with my purse. I begin looking around the room. My eyes take in all the medical stuff around. I become fascinated with a model of a heart by the sink. I wish I had cool toys like this for my classroom. Maybe I should look into buying some. I make a mental note to google it when I get home.
A knock on the door followed by it opening wide. Dr. Groom comes in a huge grin on his face.
“Hi there Lori. It seems this is going to be a short and sweet visit for us.”
“Um okay?” I ask clearly confused.
“Your specimen instantly told me what’s wrong.” he is still grinning from ear to ear. I guess I‘m not dying or he wouldn’t be smiling like the Cheshire cat. “You’re pregnant dear!”
“What the hell?” I speak softly
“I take it this was unexpected news.” Dr. Groom’s face softens with concern. “Do we need to talk?”
“Um no I’m just a little shocked.” I respond “I guess I need to make an appointment with my OB?”
“Yes dear.” his hand reaches out and pats my knee “So I take it you have a new man in your life?”
“Yea… Yes I do and I’m sorry I’m just stunned right now.” I should have taken less chances going bare with Tate and realized my eggs were not old and shriveled up.
Dr. Groom and I finish up and I walk like I’m in a fog out of his office. Assuring them I would call and make an appointment with my OB right away. Climbing into my car I feel the first tear fall. What the fuck am I going to do?
Chapter Thirty-One
Tears stream down my face, I’m furiously wiping them away as I drive down the road. If I was smart I would pull over and get myself under control. However, I am on a mission and I won’t stop until I get there. I make a few turns until I pull up in front of the cemetery. Ugly sobs still wrack my body. I’m sure if anyone is around to see me they would probably be scared or call the looney bin to come get me with a straight jacket. I pull as close to Steve’s grave as I can. I turn the car off slamming the door I get out and begin jogging toward my husband.
I fall to my knees on his grave. The words on the tombstone etched in my memory just as they are the stone. I miss him so much. I need him still in my life. He’s the one I want to turn to while I am like this way. I can’t face Tate yet. My kids are too young for this burden. Haley well she has her own shit going on and I’m not sure she would understand my feelings if she tried. I can’t even understand what is going through my head.
I sob over and over. My nose feels as if it is going to explode it’s so stopped up right now.
“Steve… why… why did you leave me?” sobbing I reach out and touch the tombstone looking for some sort of comfort. Some type of contact with my husband. “I don’t know what to do. You would have helped me figure this out. I’m so alone.”
My words trail off as a fresh round of tears pour forth. How does one person have so many damn tears in them anyway?
I have no idea to do what to do with the news that I got today. Do I tell Tate? Do I keep it to myself? What am I am going to do? This was the last thing I ever planned on happening. Why did it happen? There has to be a reason right? Or is this punishment for loving two men at the same time?
“Steve I really wish you were here to talk to me. You always were able to calm my freak outs.” I fall on my butt. I wipe my snotty nose on my shirt sleeve. I don’t care anymore. I’m a mess and no sense in pretending otherwise. I begin plucking at a blade of grass. Drawing my knees up against my chest I rest my chin on top of them. I sigh.
This isn’t the end of the world. I’ve done this a couple times before of course I was a bit younger than I am now. It doesn’t matter I’ll be able to get through it all. I just take it one day at a time. That’s all I can do. It’s all any of us can do.
“Mom?” Olivia’s voice calls across the air. I turn my head behind me and see my daughter rushing up behind me. “Hey… are you okay?” she looks at me her steps falter a little as she gets close.
Sniff “I’m fine… or I will be.” I pat the grass “sit. I’ve been talking to your dad”
“We’ve been worried about you. You been gone for four hours mom.”
I look at her. “Oh… I’m sorry guess I lost track of time. How’d you find me?”
She miles softly, “You weren’t home, with Tate, or Haley… this was a logical place.”
I wrap my arm around her shoulders pulling her into me for a side hug.
“Baby I need you to keep a secret for me for a little while. I need time.”
“Mom what’s going on?” panic crosses her face.
It’s nothing horrible I just need to get used to the idea and I trust you to help me come up with a cover story for today.”
“Um okay…” poor Olivia looks unsure. I know I’m asking a lot of her but she is my daughter and I trust her with this news.
“I’m pregnant”
“Holy shit!” I chuckle at her outburst. “I want to ask how it happened but I know how it happens but mom really?” I laugh then a good belly laugh. My daughter’s words bring me amusement.
“Yea now you see why I’m here talking to your dad.”
“Umm yes, holy shit mom? It better be another girl.” she giggles “Hell I don’t care what you have. Is this going to be safe at your age?” her amusement gone, tone serious.
“I’m sure there will be lots of risks to consider but the doctor seems to think I’m healthy and shouldn’t have too many problems and women are having babies later and later in life.”
We sit there silently. Her head is now resting on my shoulder. My arm still around her.
“I have to figure out how to tell Tate.” I sigh loudly “Fuck Luann and her pregnancy!”
“He will probably be happy your pregnant mom.”
“Maybe.” my hand rubs her arm as I speak “But the timing sucks ass.”
Chuckling she says “Yea it does… it really does.” She pull
s her phone out and sends off a quick text. “I sent a message to Noah, that I was with you and you are okay so Tate will stop pacing the house like a madman.”
I shake my head at her words. Tate is so strange. He acts so tough and like he doesn’t need me but as soon as he thinks I’m not there he freaks out. I wonder so often what it must have been like for him growing up. It makes him do the stupidest things. He acts like he doesn’t need me and then my instinct is to pull away. If I pull away he flips a switch and pulls me back in. Sometimes it felt like an intense game of tug of war. Except the rope was my emotions. I can’t keep playing that game with him.
“I guess we should head back to the house.” I say while I release Olivia and she stands brushing dirt off her backside “Should we grab food while we are out?”
“Yea I’ll stop and get it.” she gives me a look I don’t quite understand “You should go to the house and talk to Tate.”
“Olivia…” I start
“No I get why you want a couple of days, but mom give Tate a chance. Stop prejudging his reactions.”
Um wow. I think my daughter just put me in my place. She’s not wrong. I’m assuming what Tate will do or say. I’m so scared of losing him. Messing things up with him. Why does it bother me so much? I never waffled like this with Steve. With Steve I always knew where I stood. I knew Steve loved me that his love was real. Tate on the other hand had me questioning everything. Was it my own preconceived ideas that were the real problem? Was Tate normal and I the one who had issues? Tears threaten again. I blink them away. Oh the hormonal overload is going to be the death of me.
I give Olivia my debit card and tell her to go grab us a bunch of Chinese and bring it back to the house I would meet her there. As Olivia walks away I turn back to my husband’s grave.
“We did well with that one.” I smile softly “I can do this again. I’ll give Tate a chance to be the best dad he can. He’s done good with his own and our two.” I blink away a few more tears. “Steve I love you so much and I miss you every day but I know it’s okay to move on with Tate now.” I swipe the droplets running down my cheek. “Thank you for this last gift to me. Thank you for loving me so selflessly. Thank you for being my best friend. I love you!” I kiss my hand and reach out and touch his stone. My hand lingers and I look up to the heavens and smile as the sun sets in the sky.