“That is how I felt with your mother too, Tony. An overwhelming sense of rightness, but also fear, because it was new in so many ways. If you love Inara, you need to fight for her, and be honest with her. And whatever you did, you make it right.”
“But, Apá”—I pause and my heartbeat speeds up—“what if I do all that and then . . . something happens to her? Like what happened to Mamá. I don’t know if I can go through that again with someone else in my life.” I fidget with a chip, breaking it into tiny bits.
All this time I’ve been afraid of what it would mean to really love someone. I was afraid of giving someone the opportunity to break my heart again by leaving. That’s why I got so overprotective on the phone about search and rescue. It brought up the very real possibility that someone I loved could be taken from me again.
“Tony, I know losing your mother so young was difficult for you. You suffered and it changed your entire life. But you cannot live in fear. You cannot make choices with the idea that terrible things can happen at any time.” My father leans in and puts his arm on my shoulder again, giving me a tight squeeze. “What I had with your mother, it was the most magical thing I had ever experienced. It was a love that I will cherish for the rest of my days. I do not regret any part of that relationship.”
I look into his eyes and ask the one question I need my father to answer wholeheartedly. “What about now, knowing all that you know? Would you do it all over again?”
“Absolutely,” he says without a moment’s hesitation. “She was a beautiful person, inside and out. And she brought me so much joy, including my five magnificent children. She was a wonderful wife and mother. I don’t regret any of it. I would do every single day again, even knowing the hard days were coming.”
My eyes start to sting and I’m overcome with a longing to have my mother here. To see her again. And even as my chest aches in this longing, it’s the closest I have been to her. And when my gaze connects with Apá’s again, all the same emotions are reflecting back at me. How could I have been this selfish for so long? I closed up, turned my back on Inara because of my pain and anger. The same thing he had done to me. So how could I not forgive him if I expect Inara to forgive me? “Thanks, Apá, for saying all that. I know it was so hard for you then, and must still be hard for you now.”
“Losing her was hard, but the risk was well worth the rewards.” He takes a bite from his burrito and turns his head to the side to hide the tear rolling down his cheek. When he recollects himself, he turns to face me again. “Our entire lives are risky. Look at you, here on training. When you signed up for the SEALs, you knew you would live a life of risk. All the time you are gone, both in training and in very real dangerous situations. Yet, Inara still chose to be with you. She knew the risk and she chose it anyway.”
Being married to a SEAL brings a level of uncertainty to life every single day. Marge and Taya experience it, but I never stopped to think, or ask, how my job affected Inara. She never had a father or stepfather remain in her life for a long period of time, yet she still chose to try to make things work with me, even with the very real possibility I could return in a pine box. My stomach drops. Yet I did leave her in a different way when I walked out to come to training, cutting her off completely.
Hell, I made her live through my own fears. Because while my dad hadn’t walked out physically, he’d checked out emotionally. For so long. And yes, that still hurt, but I understand him a little better now. He’d been dealing with his own demons, and he’d done the best he could. Young Tony hadn’t understood that at the time, but adult Tony could.
I toss a chip onto the table. “God, I’m such an asshole. How could I leave Inara without saying anything?”
“We all make mistakes. I have my own regrets, about how I should have taken better care of my mental health, back after your mom passed, instead of just going through the motions. I blame your marriage problems on myself.” My father reaches across the table and grips my hand before I can speak, his eyes blazing with a fierce light. “But now is the time for you to turn that around. Yes, pain is the risk that you accept when you put yourself out there, when you put your trust and heart in someone else. But without that risk, there is no reward. Do you think, in a million years, I would trade all those wonderful days with your mom if I’d known that she would get sick? Would you?”
I swallow the knot in my throat and shake my head. No. Never.
He nods. “Then if you love this girl, you will find a way to make it work.”
I had forgotten how comforting my dad’s advice was, especially when it came to love troubles. My mind wanders to the ring, to the fact that before the picnic, I had already made up my mind about making it work with Inara, but my stupid fucking pride got in the way. That, and my own poor way of dealing with grief. All these years I’d been upset with my dad for the way he’d handled Mamá’s loss and, yet, look at me. Here I am, blowing up my life, all because I’d locked away so much of my pain and refused to process it. No, it wasn’t Inara’s fault that one day the tight lid I kept on my past exploded off, unleashing a decade of pent-up reaction that cost me everything. I need to fix this. If it isn’t too late.
After we finish eating and pay the bill, my dad and I head back out to the parking lot. It’s nearing sunset by the time we leave. He drops me off at the ferry for the last trip back to Coronado. He isn’t a fan of driving that long-ass bridge, so I appreciate he was there to pick me up. Plus, I like the idea that I’ll have the ride back to the island to process everything we spoke about. And I’m grateful he didn’t pressure me about the fundraiser, even though he wants me there. He was a huge support to me today, and I have to return the favor.
The sun is on the horizon line by the time we arrive at the drop-off point for the ferry. I am ready to leave the car when my dad stops me. He grips my knee and looks right into my eyes. “Son, I need you to know that I am really sorry I was not there for you when your mother passed. I really am.”
“I know, Apá. I know it was hard on you.”
He nods and his eyes gloss with tears that threaten to slip out. “But it wasn’t fair to you and your sisters. I promise you I will be there for you in whatever ways you want me to be there from now on.” He pulls me in tight for a hug and even though the gear stick is poking my thigh, I lean into it. I have spent so long feeling like I had to protect others, protect myself, and sitting here with my dad reminds me how much I was afraid of, how much those fears influenced my life. And how much I wanted someone to protect me.
We part ways and I board the ferry, willing myself not to look back. Instead, I focus on the horizon and how the golden rays escaping the line remind me of Inara and her warmth. I close my eyes and let the heat wash over me.
I told Inara that signing up for the program was the biggest mistake of my life, but that isn’t true. Not even close. No, the biggest mistake of my life was not bending down on one knee and proposing to the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Now, all I can do is hope that I’m not too late to make things right.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Inara
I’m not thrilled about the fact that I have to come into work on my day off, all because the restaurant booked a last-minute, private party. As I pull into Shaken & Stirred, the parking lot is overwhelmed with cars. Lovely. Another hectic Friday night. I was comfortable at home, relaxing and pretending things were better than they have been, until Taya called and asked me to come in. She made it sound like an emergency, and by the looks of it, it clearly is. Thankfully, I had a nice black-lace cocktail dress, and my jacket had just been dry cleaned. Of course, when I pull into the lot, I have to park all the way in the back because of how packed the place is. After cutting the engine, I smack the steering wheel and just sit in the car for a few minutes, trying to quell the storm of emotions brewing in my chest. After applying some coral lipstick, I click my phone on to check for text messages or missed phone calls, but all I find is my background image�
�a picture of Tony, with a party hat on, placing a tiny party hat on Simon. Of course, it could be worse. I could have put a background picture of Tony shirtless. Then each time I looked, I would have to be reminded of both the love and dick I lost.
I turn on the radio and am overwhelmed by Amy Winehouse. Her vocals wash over me like a cool mist. As much as I want to pretend that I have been okay, I haven’t been. The last couple of weeks have been spent hiding out in my home, watching television, drinking wine, and reading all the romance novels I could get my hands on. I tried to pretend I wasn’t as heartbroken about Tony as I really am, but there is no denying it. There is a hole in my heart that only a buff and bald-headed man could fill. Unfortunately, he made it clear that was not at all what he wanted. I love Tony, completely, but he has wounds that run too deep for me to try to heal. And if he doesn’t want to make things work, I can’t force him.
Granted, maybe I shouldn’t have taken liberties by helping to schedule the fundraiser, but shit, any decent person would have done the same. And yeah, I could have waited to tell him until we got home, but it’s not my fault he overreacted, and in front of his CO. I hope in time he’ll understand that a relationship is going to have ups and downs, but when two people care about each other, they work through that stuff.
Together.
But he won’t be figuring out all those problems with me. Some new woman will get that luxury.
My chest constricts and before more negativity consumes me, I turn off the radio, step out of my car, and start the long walk to the restaurant. My low heels click with each step, and I kick every pebble that stands in my way. By the time I make it to the door, my fingers are curled into tight fists, my nails biting into the skin of my palms. I want to back out and head home, but Taya needs me.
As I open the doors, Taya rushes toward me, almost slipping. She grabs my arms with both her hands and shakes me softly. “I’m so glad you are here. The private party is driving me crazy. I need you to head back there and talk to them. They have all of these demands and I don’t know how to—”
“Say no more. I will handle them.” I lift my chin and shake my hair back over my shoulders. I pull my small jacket down and smooth my dress. I am in no mood to deal with irritating customers, but I know exactly how to keep people in line with a kind, yet no-nonsense voice, and I am not afraid to whip that voice out right now. Hell, I need to whip it out.
I head to the back of the restaurant and am smacked with the balloons, streamers, colorful flowers, and two giant posters of Simon. Simon? What the hell? But that isn’t the most shocking bit.
As I step farther into the room, a song starts playing, and on a makeshift stage with a small amp next to it, Tony stands in his Navy dress whites. My God, he looks amazing. My head spins, from both the pain and wanting. What kind of fresh hell is this? The soft intro to a song by Foreigner starts playing, and I never, in all my wildest fantasies, imagined this scenario—Tony is singing!
Air rushes from my lungs and I gasp. Then things venture even further into the Twilight Zone. Tony steps off the stage and begins serenading me. By the time he gets to the chorus, I am almost positive I have caught at least a few flies because of how wide open my mouth is hanging.
I’m in a daze when he starts belting out about knowing what love is. His voice cracks and he is entirely off-key. Like “I had no idea he was so bad at singing” off-key. He gets on his knees and grabs my hand. Maybe it’s the confusion and shock, and two seconds later I’ll be crying, but right now, I start laughing.
Correction, cackling.
He has made me furious and sad and irritable in the span of only a few weeks. But as confused as I am, I love it. I love it because it’s a very Tony thing to do. This is not some random encounter. He planned this. Tony did all this because he knows me, he knows what I love, and he wanted to show me that. My heart is racing like a freight train, the emotions overwhelming. I’m scared and hopeful and mad and touched and . . . ugh, I’m about to climb out of my own skin.
The song ends sooner than I’d like it to, and Tony is back on his feet. He pulls me in and presses his lips against mine and, after everything we have been through, all I can think about is how much I have missed him, how much I have craved his lips, and how I pray this is not a dream.
“I know this must be a surprise,” he says as he pulls away from me.
I can’t do anything but nod in response, especially as I look around and take in all the familiar faces. Holy crap. Taya, Jim, Craiger, Bear, Marge, my mom, and even Bennett. Everyone is here.
“Can we talk outside for a minute?”
I nod again and take his hand as he leads me to the deck out back. When we open the doors, we are met with a view of the waters and a fresh breeze of sea air mixed with jasmine.
“I don’t know what to say,” I tell him.
“You don’t have to say anything, just listen.” Tony holds my hands and takes a deep breath. “I met with Redding and told him about my past, my issues with my mother and how she died. Of course, the military was aware she died from cancer, but they had no idea about the rest of it.”
I reach out and stroke his arm. “I’m so proud of you. That’s a big move to tell them.”
He grins and leans on the rail of the deck. “I told him that the day he caught us arguing, it was really my fault. That we were talking about my mother. I told him I never really dealt with her death, and that was a moment where my grief was escaping.”
His lips tremble and he looks out to the waters. I can’t believe he really opened himself up like that. Especially to his superiors.
I reach down and squeeze his hand.
He turns to face me again and pulls me in closer to him. “I told them that I signed up to meet with a grief counselor too. And I really did make the appointment. Redding was surprisingly very understanding.”
“I can’t believe you did all of that. I think going to a grief counselor will really help you, and it’ll help keep your mother’s memories alive. She would be very proud of you.” My voice cracks and my eyes start to tear. This whole time I wanted him to be this open, to share these emotions with me and others, and now that he is finally talking about it, I’m overwhelmed.
“The thing is, Inara, I could not have done this without you.”
He reaches up to place his hand against my cheek. I put my hand over his and hold it there. I have missed his touch so much.
“While I was at training, I met with my dad.”
I suck in a sharp breath. I just can’t believe it. That is such a huge step for him.
“We reconnected finally, in person. And it was really good to see him. We talked for a while and patched things up.”
I step into his space and wrap my arms around him, gripping him with all my strength. He really does seem happier. Each of these changes is going to be so good for him, and they will really help him heal.
“It was all because of you,” he whispers in my ear. “I made that appointment with the counselor because you helped me understand that I needed assistance in processing my grief. And I am also rebuilding the relationship with my dad. I am a better son, and SEAL, because of you. I am a better lover”—he pauses momentarily to waggle his eyebrows at me—“because of you. You have made my life more meaningful and greater in more ways than I can count.”
My lips part and I let out the breath I had been holding. I relax into his body as tears stream down my face. “Tony, all I wanted to do was be a good wife and show you how much you deserve love, even if I was a little annoyed to be matched with you at first.” I lean away for a second to glare at him. “And I definitely did not let you into my bedroom just because you helped pay the rent.”
He ducks his head in shame and then meets my eyes. “I know. That was just a convenient excuse to help convince myself that running was the best plan.”
“Just don’t let it happen again.”
“Deal.”
I soften as I search his contrite face. “I am so happy y
ou finally understand how good things can be with your family, with work, within yourself. I love you, Tony.”
“I love you too.” He reaches into his pocket and takes out a blue velvet box and gets down on one knee. “Will you marry me, Inara? I want you to be my wife not because some program paired us up, but because I cannot imagine my life without you in it.”
“Yes! Of course!” I kneel to meet him and plant my coral lips on his, as I press my body into him as much as I possibly can in this position. I want every piece of me to be touching him right now. I am overwhelmed with happiness, like a champagne bottle about to burst. But then he pushes me away gently and I glance at him, confused.
“Wait. I jumped the gun.” He pulls us to our feet and then reaches into his pocket and pulls out folded pieces of paper. “Read this.”
Biting my lip, I take the papers from his hands, open them up, and start to skim. I get to the end with my heart pounding. Words like transfer of ownership and my address and my landlord’s name and a startling sum of money. “I don’t understand. Is this a deed? To my duplex?”
He reaches into his pocket, withdraws his reading glasses, and wiggles them in front of my face with a grin. “Looks like maybe you need a pair of these too. But yes. Your deed. I bought the building for you. No strings attached. No matter what decision you make about our relationship, the place is yours. I figured that was the least I could do for acting like such a jackass. Plus, even if we don’t work out, I don’t want you to worry about rent anymore.”
My eyes flood with tears. “Tony, you didn’t have to—”
He cuts me off by pressing his lips to mine. “I love you so much, Inara. Please let me show it.”
My heart is so full, it’s in danger of bubbling over. But before I can jump back into his arms, Tony takes my hand and slides the ring onto my finger. It’s white gold with a halo of tiny, yet perfect, diamonds. Then he kisses me and, while still holding my hand, leads us back into the restaurant where everyone greets us with confetti and shouts of congratulations. I look around at all my friends, the people I care about. This is more than I could have ever dreamed of.
Matched (Navy Seals of Little Creek Book 2) Page 22