Deserter

by Myers, Shannon

  Any minute now, I was going to wake up alone in the backyard, missing him so badly my chest hurt. So far, I’d managed to keep my crying spells confined within the shower walls. If I was going to start hallucinating Jamie though, I was a goner. I’d end up like Kate, down on the floor, gasping for my next breath and convinced I was going to die.

  He glanced back toward the house. “The girls?”

  “Asleep.” I pointed toward the chair across from mine. “Sit.”

  When he did as I asked, I took a victorious drag from the cigarette and began hacking again. Jamie pulled it from my fingers and stubbed it out on the patio.

  “I wasn’t done with that.”

  “That shit’ll kill you, Celia,” he growled, his eyes daring me to argue.

  And just like that, any power I’d held shifted over to him.

  I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back. “So, you’re back.”

  He nodded and exhaled a cloud of smoke. “I’m back.”

  “For how long?” His blue eyes looked away and I growled, “No. Tell me you’re joking.”

  Jamie shifted against the plastic chair and began bouncing his leg. “Ain’t that simple, darlin’.”

  I laughed, in spite of the fact that none of it was funny. “Yeah, I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for you—”

  “Stop. I didn’t come here to fight.”

  I let his words sink in before jumping up from the chair, ready to battle. “Then what did you come here for?” I hissed. “To twist the blade in a little deeper? To watch us fall apart all over again? What, Jamie? What is it that you want?”

  My body shook as I held myself back, suddenly afraid of what I would do to him if I moved any closer. When he remained silent, his elbows resting against his knees, I turned away and stalked back toward the house.

  “That’s what I thought,” I tossed over my shoulder. “You can show yourself out.”

  In just a few short strides, he managed to close the distance between us and cornered me up against the bricks. He moved until his chest was against mine before letting his hands fall to either side of my head.

  I was so much smaller, and any thoughts I’d had of taking him on myself seemed ridiculous as he towered over me. It didn’t mean I was going down without a fight though.

  “Kate has panic attacks so bad she’s convinced she’s dying,” I forced out through stiff lips. “She made me box up all of her Spider-Man stuff and put it in the attic because it made her stomach hurt to look at it.”

  Jamie inhaled deeply, but stayed silent, encouraging me to continue.

  “I try to be brave for them during the day, but once they’re asleep at night, I fall apart. I sit in the shower and I cry; I cry until there are no tears left. You took every good thing I thought we could have together, and you threw it away.”

  He shifted against me and his familiar smell filled my nostrils. I wanted to wrap myself up in it like a blanket until the hurting stopped.

  “I told you that if you left us that I’d hate you forever, and I’ve tried. There were days where I even began to believe that I’d succeeded, but the minute you stepped under the porch light, I knew I failed.” I choked on the words before looking up at him, his blue eyes dark with pain.

  “I will love you until I take my last breath, Jamie Quinn. That will be my cross to bear in this life. Maybe in the next one we’ll get it right.”

  “Celia,” he murmured, letting his forehead drop down to rest against mine.

  “I love you,” I whispered back. “But I will not let you hurt my girls any more than you already have. They can’t know you were here.”

  “Please,” he begged. “Please just give me time and I can make this right.”

  I shook my head. “No… you can’t. Not anymore.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Grey: 2000

  I rapped my knuckles against the door and cracked my neck.

  The ride down had been a bitch, with the wind fighting against me at every turn. The west Texas dirt had sandblasted my exposed skin and, even with the bandana over my face, I knew I was going to be picking grit out of my teeth for weeks to come.

  Two separate cloudbursts had popped up outside of Waco, pelting me with pea-sized hail and drenching my clothes.

  My ass had fallen asleep near College Station, but the rest of my muscles remained rigid, fighting to keep me warm. I was going to have one hell of a backache in the morning.

  “You look like shit,” Slim noted with a grin as he threw open the door. “How was the ride?”

  “Cold. Wet. Overall, pretty fuckin’ miserable.”

  “Looks like it. Get cleaned up and I’ll get us a couple beers.”

  I looked around the empty den. “Where’d Lou and David go?”

  He leaned against the doorway that led into the kitchen. “Lou’s at a church thing and David got his own place.” He clicked his tongue against his teeth and jerked his thumb toward the back of the house. “Garage apartment. Said he was ‘a man.’ You believe that?”

  “I seem to recall another prick tryin’ to convince Phantom that he needed the apartment above the shop not that long ago.” I laughed at the memory, suddenly wondering where the time had gone.

  When had we gotten old enough to have teenagers?

  Mikey was going to graduate next year. For all the fucked up shit his mother had pulled, at least she’d abided by our agreement and kept him away from Comedian.

  I just wished like hell she would’ve stuck with it the first time. Kid’s whole life could’ve been different.

  “You gonna take a stroll down memory lane or wash the grime off?” Slim asked. “Lou’ll have your ass if you even think about touching her furniture looking like you do right now.”

  “I’m going,” I grumbled before turning back. “Hey, Slim? When the fuck did we get old?”

  He shrugged. “Beats the hell out of me. Maybe when I threw out my shoulder pitchin’ the ball to David; or hell, maybe it was official when I began waking up with random joint pain.”

  I grinned. “Well, well. I don’t have any of that shit goin’ on. I must not be old after all, Slim. Thanks.”

  “Yeah, fuck you,” he called as I closed the bathroom door behind me.

  I turned the taps on full blast and scrubbed the road from my skin. Hot water rained down on me from the shower head and I stood under it until the heat seeped into my bones, bringing my body temperature back up.

  I felt almost human again as I slipped into a pair of fresh clothes until I caught my reflection in the mirror over the sink. The dark circles under my eyes hadn’t faded, if anything, they were more noticeable without layers of dirt there to cover them.

  Low voices carried from the kitchen and I slipped out of the bathroom, straining to hear what was being said.

  “Fuck, Lou,” Slim growled. “What is it about those church gatherings that gets you all hot and bothered?”

  He stood near the sink with his back to me and Lou propped up on the counter in front of him. Her eyes were closed, and the back of her head rested against the upper cabinets.

  “John,” she whispered with a small grin as his head dipped down. “Don’t torture me.”

  I was intruding, but damn if I made any attempt to give them privacy. Seeing the two of them took me back to when we were teens, when my only concerns were avoiding my old man and finding my next high.

  It was also a stark reminder of the woman I’d left behind.

  Having kids hadn’t decreased our sex life—if anything, it had made it more interesting. I’d lived for the moments when our girls were in bed and Celia was doing her damndest to keep quiet.

  I’d always taken it as a challenge; sneaking around the house, creatively searching for new ways to make her moan.

  When Slim’s head disappeared under Lou’s blouse, I cleared my throat to make my presence known. He immediately jerked back and straightened her clothing.

  “Aw, don’t stop on my account. It never seemed
to bother you before.” I stepped around them and retrieved a glass from the cabinet.

  “You know that was back when I was pregnant with David. Seems like a lifetime ago, doesn’t it?” Lou slipped off the counter and padded over to wrap her arms around my back. “How are Celia and the girls doin’?”

  I took my time filling the glass from the tap before answering, “Good. Everyone’s doin’ good.”

  The truth was, I didn’t know how they were doing.

  Not really.

  I’d had a bad feeling most of the ride down that had nothing to do with the weather. Celia always seemed to have it under control, but lately it seemed like she was keeping something from me.

  “Good. They’re just good? That’s it?” she pushed.

  Slim grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge. “Jesus, he says they’re okay, then they’re okay, yeah?”

  “I guess. I just haven’t talked to her in a while.”

  I put the glass in the sink and turned around. “You two ain’t been talking?”

  She shook her head. “No. I’ve tried calling, but it’s like she’s never home. She really needs a cell phone, Jamie.”

  The uneasy feeling increased and I stared blankly at the fridge, stroking my beard, and trying to figure out what it was I’d missed.

  It didn’t escape my attention that the two of them had begun backing away slowly, watching me with narrowed eyes as if I might attack at any second.

  Slim kept his eyes on mine, even as he spoke to Lou. “Baby, me and Grey are gonna sit out back and shoot the shit. How’s that sound?”

  I didn’t know whether he was talking to me or her but nodded anyway. “Sure. Let’s go talk about our feelings over a few beers.”

  He didn’t change his stance but began cracking each knuckle on his right hand. I’d been around long enough to know it’d be the only warning I’d get.

  When we reached the patio, I lit up a cigarette and began pacing while Slim dropped into a chair and popped the top on his beer. “Where’s she going?”

  His beard, which had been solid black for as long as I could remember was now streaked with strands of silver. I studied the lines around his eyes, with the realization that the war had taken so much from all of us.

  I took a drag and ran my hand over my face. “Not one fuckin’ clue.”

  The breath caught in my throat as the image of her fucking someone else popped in, uninvited.

  Celia wouldn’t do that to me.

  I’d known her for eleven years and I could read her better than anyone. If she’d had second thoughts about us, I would’ve seen it.

  “You know,” Slim began. “We haven’t been at war with anyone for three years.”

  “Okay… and your point is, what exactly?” I cocked my head to the side, trying and failing to see where he was going.

  He chuckled and tipped the bottle back. “That’s always been your downfall. Can’t see the damn forest for the trees. What’s the one thing you want more than anything?”

  “Celia,” I replied without hesitation.

  “What’s stood in your way? Club shit, right?” I nodded. “How old was Wolverine when he passed the club onto you?”

  I sank down in the chair next to his when I realized what he was saying. “He was, what, forty-two? You tellin’ me I could turn the club over and go live happily ever after?”

  With a booming laugh, Slim nodded. “Yeah, fucker. That’s exactly what I’m sayin’. You want to have a family, then go get them.”

  I stubbed out the cigarette and pinched my lower lip between my fingers. “Ain’t that simple. She’s been asking me to leave her alone for years; won’t even let me into the house to see my kids when they’re asleep. I made my fuckin’ bed when I decided to fake my own death.”

  “Never said it was gonna be easy, but if you love her like I love Lou, then for fuck’s sake, do something about it. This club will support whatever you decide.”

  I tried to imagine a life outside of Silent Phoenix with family vacations and never having to wonder if they were okay. “She won’t buy it,” I said, more to myself. “She’d never in a million years believe that I was leaving the club.”

  “So, you don’t tell her. You show her. It might take a month or two to get new leadership in place, but then you’re free. You go home and start over.”

  Slim took another swig of beer before continuing. “She may not like it at first, but she’ll come around. Trust me, she needs you, whether she says so or not.”

  My imagination ran wild with the possibilities. We could go out to dinner, like normal people, without me flinching at every person who walked in. I’d take my girls to the comic store and chaperone their school dances to make sure no prick laid a hand on them. I’d spend my nights wrapped around Celia, cradling her belly in my hands.

  “We could have another baby,” I whispered, caught up in the fantasy of being a nobody again. I could picture her pregnant again, but this time, I wouldn’t miss a thing.

  “Sure. You wanna go back to diapers when your oldest is about to graduate high school, be my fuckin’ guest. I’m just trying to tell you that it ain’t the end of the road if you walk away. I don’t wanna see you throw away your marriage or miss seeing your girls grow up.”

  I nodded, the heaviness in my chest lifting for the first time in years. “You’re right. It’s time to let go of Grey and just be Jamie again.”

  He offered me the second beer. “Drink up. You’ve got a busy day tomorrow.”

  I took it with a frown. “Busy day? You know something I don’t?”

  “Lou’s been trying to get ahold of Celia and can’t. Now, you can hang out here and lose your shit over what that might mean, or you can hop on your bike and ride back. Consider it a pre-homecoming party.”

  Slim was right. I wasn’t going to be able to help the club transition if I was hung up on thoughts of my wife.

  Celia and I had been meeting at crappy motels along the interstate to avoid drawing unwanted attention over the years. Wolverine would find the place and he and Lucy would stay with the girls while she was with me.

  It wasn’t ideal.

  Hell, if I had to wager a guess, I’d say she left feeling like one of the club whores. She deserved better than that.

  This time around, I’d do it right.

  Just me and her.

  No distractions.

  The warmth I’d sought under the shower head finally flooded my body and left me fighting back tears.

  I was going home.

  * * *

  The latch on the master bathroom window had been broken for as long as I could remember. It was one of those things I’d been meaning to fix, but on a night like tonight, I was glad I hadn’t.

  Hawk was somewhere out front, yet here I was, creeping around my house like a burglar. I didn’t want my guys knowing I was in town again.

  I raised the window quietly and climbed through, my boots landing with a soft thud in the clawfoot tub below.

  “Take one more step and I’ll shoot,” a voice hissed in the dark.

  “You sure you wanna do that, princess?”

  “Jamie?”

  I chuckled as I straightened to my full height. “There someone else callin’ you princess?”

  She gasped and I strained to see her in the dark. “You still got the .38 pointed at my head?”

  “Yes.” I heard her smile. “Wanna tell me why you’re breaking into my house in the middle of the night?”

  This time I grinned. “Your house? Well, that’s news to me, darlin’. I could’ve sworn it was our house—”

  “You just left town two days ago. Did something happen?” She moved closer to the tub and reached out to touch my chest. “Are you hurt?”

  “Why haven’t you returned Louisa’s calls? She’s worried about you.”

  Her hand dropped. “You rode all this way just to ask me that? Jamie, you could’ve just called.” When I stayed silent, she added, “I’ve been a little busy—and we’
ve been spending time with my parents.”

  I ran my tongue across my teeth and took a deep breath. “You didn’t think to mention that to me a couple of days ago? Like, ‘Hey, Jamie, you know those pricks who made my life a living hell? Well, I’m gonna take your daughters over to visit them.’ Seriously?”

  I blinked against the sudden brightness as she flipped the light switch on. When my eyes adjusted, I found her standing near the sink, one hand on her hip and the other still holding the damn gun.

  “Jesus fuck, Celia, put the gun down and talk to me.” This was not the reception I’d expected, but it was probably the one I deserved.

  “Talk to you?” she hissed. “Okay, you wanna know why I didn’t tell you? Because within five minutes of seeing me, we were naked, and I didn’t really feel that it was an appropriate time. When you were done having sex with me, I had to leave so I could get back home to our girls. And the fun didn’t stop there—”

  Her voice broke off and she sucked in a ragged breath. “Dakota wanted to know what a ‘hole’ was because her little neighborhood friend said that’s what her mommy thinks I am.”

  “The bitch who saw you in my car?” I growled. She bit her lip and nodded. “I’ll go over there right now. Have a little chat.”

  Celia lowered the gun and clutched the counter with a belly laugh. “You?” she wheezed. “You think the neighbors are gonna open the door for you?”

  I scratched along my jawline and frowned at her. “Why wouldn’t they? What’s wrong with me?”

  “You look like Kid Rock’s older brother,” she giggled. When I continued staring her down, she hastily added, “But, your beard is still better than his.”

  “Kid Rock, Celia? C’mon, you know me better than that. I would’ve gone with Morrison or Page.”

  She gave me a wide-eyed look before dissolving into giggles again. “I’m sorry. I just keep picturing you ringing the doorbell and asking to be invited in for a cup of coffee and a chat.”

  “A chat? What am I—Oprah? Quit tryin’ to change the subject and tell me what the fuck is goin’ on.”