by Unknown
Katharina would like thank/blame her parents—she says this is what happens when you read bedtime stories to kids.
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"And by airr, waterr, earrth and firr I bind thee, drraggon, to my serrvice," Grim the Great intoned, sweeping his hands through the spell's gestures. Nothing happened.
Then, with a flash of red-gold flames dancing along the pentacle's edges, a creature slowly materialized.
Allow me to introduce myself. I am a drraggon—a mystical creature from the fire-realms, very distantly related to the Grand Dragons (pronounced "Drah-'gon"). I presume that one of these was what the sorcerer had aimed for—unfortunately for him, in magic you get exactly what you ask for (in this case, a drraggon) and not what you meant to ask for. Working for this inept adept could turn out to be fun. Fun from my point of view, that is.
"Greetings, O master!" I said. "What is your wish and command?" It would have been more impressive if I didn't have a squeaky voice. And I do look like a fat green-speckled bat with a pointy tail stuck on, about the size of a large man's hand. No one has ever called me majestic, and from the look on the sorcerer's face he wouldn't start to either.
Grim couldn't believe his eyes. After all that hard work he deserved a really impressive Grand Dragon. And all he'd gotten was this ugly little squeaky female mini-dragon?! His first petulant impulse was to immediately dismiss the failure. Pity he hadn't looked up the spell for that yet. And it had been damn hard work to get even this far. This was his tenth try; the first nine had produced nothing but foul smelling smoke. At least the creature had properly called him master and asked after his commands. Perhaps she could be useful after all. "Go and bring me a virgin who was born under a new moon in the midnight hour under the sign of..."
He droned on and on. I recognized the description. This bumbling fool had found Lawdor's Lost Spell of Eternal Youth and Absolute Power—obviously not quite completely lost, more's the pity.
"I hear and obey, O master." I flew off before he could gather his wits and set me a time to return. I might have been tempted to simply fly off and wait to return with the specified virgin to his corpse after he'd died of old age. But I had a much better plan. "Better" in this case meaning to provide me with lots more fun. I'd just need a little time to set things in motion. Piece of cake.
Cake? Did I mention my sweet tooth yet? Cake first, virgin later. Lady Luck was smiling on me—I was just flying over a perfectly nice castle—a bit rural and out of the way, but that would be all the better for my taste. They'd have real old-fashioned cakes with everything and the trimmings and not that citified low-calorie no-taste stuff. I dived in through the chimney into the kitchen's fire. A quick invisibility spell, a snatch & fly later I sat happily munching on top of one of the castle's turrets. These were the absolutely most delicious marzipan muffins of all the worlds I'd ever been to. My resolve stiffened to save this wonderful world from the nefarious sorcerer's grasp. I settled down for a good scry. Lady Luck not only smiled on me, she sang and danced with joy. I vowed to share the muffins with Her if I ever met Her. There were not only one but three perfectly qualified virgins, directly under the castle's roofs. Right. Time for a little fun, first.
I flew into the princess's bedroom and blew a sparkly kiss full of creepy crawly flu germs at her. Why did I do this? Well, as a rule I just can't abide princesses. They never try to get to know me, just shriek at my sight and demand shrilly that someone kill this ugly thing, now! You must admit that this can hurt a drraggon's feelings. So, this princess would come down with the flu in a couple of hours, and by tomorrow morning she'd never notice me even if I tap danced on her tummy.
Off again for a quick detour into the country side, where I found myself a scraggly, sickly fir tree, breathed flame on it and set it on fire. To make sure, I stayed and watched it burn completely to the ground, nothing but ashes left. Magical fire, dummy, so no risk of burning down the forest. Oh—don't tell me you didn't guess why I had to do this. C'mon, think a little. In the beginning...was the word, yes, well done, and? Remember? The sorcerer bound me by the power of air, water, earth and...fir! I suppose he meant fire, but he said fir (rolling the rr a bit excessively for my taste, but let's not quibble). So—I've just burnt down the fir. And by some pretty complex magical laws I've thus made this tree into THE FIR which would have bound me if I hadn't burnt it down. Makes my head hurt too—but the main thing is it worked. So, now I'm completely unbound in this world. Chaos and confusion—here I come!
I flew back to the castle's barns, snatched the perfect virgin mouse I'd noticed earlier and flew back to the sorcerer. For special effects I materialized in a bout of flames (carefully shielding the mouse, naturally) inside the pentagram. "O most gracious of masters. I am glad I could fulfill your command so speedily. Here I bring the virgin you requested." I let go of the mouse.
Grim hadn't expected the creature back so soon. If it had been easy to find the specified virgin, he could have done it himself. So he lounged in his armchair, a plate of cheese and bread and a cold beer to hand, dreaming of the times when he would nibble delicacies off golden plates and be served the best of wines by nubile slave maidens. The reappearance of the creature startled him, so he didn't really listen to what she was saying. Then he noticed the mouse. The mouse noticed his cheese and bread and went for it. Grim shrieked and demanded shrilly that someone kill this ugly thing, now!
I felt sorry for the little mouse, so I let it have a nibble of cheese first, before I sent a spout of flame in its direction. Nicely missing it, but providing it with cover and an incentive to dash into the nearest hole in the wall. I mumbled a little spell to provide a heap of charred ashes for the sorcerer to view.
Grim breathed a sigh of relief and gathered his dignity (no comment). "Well done, creature", he started, but then he realized that the drraggon was the one to have brought the mouse. "Why, you fool creature, did bring me a mouse?! You brainless pumpkin! I will banish you at once—to the coldest hells of ice. Just let me get my spell book."
"O most gracious master, I humbly apologize if I've misunderstood your wishes. But that mouse was virgin and in every aspect as you specified."
"You stupid, stupid bitch! I wanted a human! A human—you should have known that!!"
"Please, master, I am so sorry. Please, give me a chance to make good my mistake! I will hasten to bring you a human virgin."
Venting his anger had helped Grim to come back to the realization that this creature was still his best chance to get the required ingredient. Magnanimously he said, "Very well, then. Go and bring me the virgin. Human this time!"
"I hear and will do my very best, O master."
You may wonder at my groveling before this inept. Well, sometimes you have to lure your victim with honey...
I flew off again to the castle. It had been a busy day, so I found myself a nice high corner on the turret and settled down for a good night's sleep. Very well, so I look something like a miniature gargoyle. Where do you think those stone masons got their inspiration?
To the lovely sound of the princess snuffling in the first throes of flu I went to sleep. Her coughing woke me in the early dawn, and refreshed I flew off again towards the barn—naturally under my invisibility spell again. This time I settled on the head of one of the stable lads. My second perfect virgin. I grabbed his hair and started to pull. Not surprisingly, I couldn't lift him off the ground. Me being rather small and him a hefty healthy lad. I did try to drag him along by his hair, but by now he was making such a ruckus that the other stable hands came running. I assumed that my sorcerous master wouldn't want a whole excited mob drawn to his Dark Tower, so I let go and flew back to said tower. Flash of flame, pentacle, as usual.
"Master, I am abjectly sorry. My poor little body is not capable of the task you set me. I found the human virgin, but I am too weak to carry it off."
Grim, who had been happily excited at the flash of flame, was not pleased to hear this. On second thought, he had to admit though that th
e creature had a point. "I forgive you. You tried valiantly. I will take over now." Fortunately he had an idea (when fools and ideas meet, interesting things tend to happen). In that book of spells he'd unearthed not only Lawdor's Spell of Everlasting Youth and Absolute Power but also Scrumball's Spell of Irresistible Attraction. He'd thought to try that later, but now it might help him gain his virgin. He would make himself irresistible, and no one would want to hinder him from walking off with the enthralled virgin, everyone being wholly focused on fulfilling his every whim. A perfect plan. No sooner thought than done. (Once you know it, the spell of Irresistible Attraction is quite simple. In fact, it's so stupidly simple that only complete idiots will even believe that it might work and try it out).
"Come on, creature. Lead me to the virgin."
"I hear and obey, O master." He had a flying carpet, so the journey to the castle was quicker and less eventful than it might otherwise have been—the wild wolves were disappointed, but they might yet get their chance.
Grim arrived at the castle. Everyone who saw him was struck dumb on the spot and stared at him worshipfully.
That's all the spell of Irresistible Attraction is good for. Might get a bit boring with time when you have no one to talk to. And though everyone is eager to fulfill your slightest whim, they are so dumb-struck that they are barely capable of breathing. Not really useful. I flew off and hovered over the virgin stable-lad's head. "O mighty master. Here is what you desire."
Grim didn't want to believe his eyes. Furiously he shouted "Desire?! Are you mad, creature?! The spell requires me to rape the virgin! I will not touch this filthy heap of dung. I wanted a beautiful virgin princess! Do you hear me—a princess!"
While Grim was ranting at the top of his voice, I had settled down on the stable lad's head and patiently awaited further developments. Lady Luck, you shower me with favors. Everything was unfolding nicely—no need even for Plan B. With the unholy racket this inept was making, my designated heroine and drraggon rescuess should show up any minute now. The princess's bodyguards had already rushed into the castle's courtyard and been struck as dumb as everyone else here. Now all I needed was something to nibble, and the show could begin. I flew over to a kitchen helper with a plate of muffins, skewered three with my pointy tail, and settled down on a convenient corner of the battlements.
Princess Summer had been trying to sleep. Then the racket started. She pulled the pillow over her head and waited for her guards to put an end to this upset. Still the uproar went on. She lost her already thin patience, wrapped herself in a large scarf and went to bite some heads off. When she stomped into the courtyard, the spell's attraction hit her—and met a brain turned to irritated sludge by flu. The spell lost. The princess stomped on. A scruffy-looking individual was standing in the centre of her courtyard, and everyone was just standing around, grinning vapidly. The man (for want of a better word) was spouting invective in a voice like nails over a blackboard.
"You will shut up now!" The princess had intended an authoritative bellow, but managed more of an irritated croak.
Grim turned towards that new voice. What he saw was truly frightful. An apparition wrapped in flannel pajamas in an eye-watering colorful paisley pattern, wound around with a plaid shawl whose colors clashed horrendously with everything. Bloodshot red eyes glared at him from under a mop of something that resembled more an exploded canary than a hairdo.
The princess's brain might have been deadened by flu, but the reflexes her bodyguard had trained into her took over. Her guards standing around dumbstruck meant nothing good. The scruffy guy was the obvious suspect—even if he didn't the least bit look like it, he must be a sorcerer. Some of his ranting came back to her—perfect virgins for rape and sacrifice, eternal youth, absolute power, and some idiot creature who had spoiled it all. Well three cheers for the creature! Meanwhile, she was close enough. There was an absolutely irritating buzzing sensation, a pressure on her mind to adore this mangy macho. The flu had put her into a foul temper anyway, and this was the last straw. With a hiss of unbridled fury she dropped the knife from her wrist sheath into her hand and stabbed that manipulating bastard.
Grim—who had uncomprehendingly watched the approach of that bizarre apparition—was too slow-witted to even realize what happened. He dropped dead at the princess's feet.
"Hah! Gotcha! Think you can mindspell and enslave my people. If you want to rape, torture and kill someone, you should have your head chopped off. Though if I say so myself, a quick stab in the right place will put an end to these maniacal ravings just as quickly. Look who's dead now, moron!"
The captain of her bodyguard stepped up to the princess, beaming. "I am so proud of you, Summer! You were perfect! Nice smooth moves, nimble wrist action, one perfectly placed stab. Even down to your Great-grandmother Queen Irene's motto: "First Kill, Then Gloat." The courtyard broke into spontaneous cheers.
I was proud of my heroic princess as well. The flu had proven as useful in counteracting the Irresistible Attraction spell's influence as I'd thought. Maybe I should write a monograph on the subject. Meanwhile I did not wish to see her suffer unnecessarily. So I flew over and blew her another sparkly kiss—this time to cure. Then I'd be off before the shrieking started and try and find out if there was some more fun to be had in this world.
Princess Summer was still caught up in her after-the-fight excitement when an absolutely cute little creature flew to her and blew her a kiss. She shrieked with delight, "Oooh, aren't you a sweet little thing!" Summer held out her hand, "Come to me, I won't hurt you." From the corner of her eye she saw the plate of muffins and snatched one to lure the creature. "C'mon little one, here's a tasty marzipan muffin," she cooed.
I was flabbergasted. This was the first time ever that a princess liked me. And wanted to feed me. I was in love! I settled down on her hand and nibbled on the proffered muffin.
Summer was enchanted. The little bat felt soft and cuddly in her hand. It looked like the sweetest little gargoyle creature. Creature? "Are you by chance the creature that the sorcerer so roundly cursed?"
"Mmyes," I mumbled around a mouthful of muffins.
"You're magical, aren't you?"
"Mmyes."
"Perfect. Would you like to be my new court sorceress? Looks like I could use some magical protection."
This called for more than mumbling. Fortunately I'd finished my muffin. I liked the princess. Her taste in muffins was impeccable. Her taste in clothes was definitely not—we should suit wonderfully.
"I'd be absolutely delighted. You may call me Muffin."
And so we started to live happily ever after.
Kindle books in the Sword & Sorceress series
Marion Zimmer Bradley's Sword and Sorceress 22
Marion Zimmer Bradley's Sword and Sorceress 23
Marion Zimmer Bradley's Sword and Sorceress 24
Marion Zimmer Bradley's Sword and Sorceress 25
Marion Zimmer Bradley's Sword and Sorceress 26
http://www.elisabethwaters.com
http://www.mzbworks.com
Copyright
Copyright © 2011 by The Marion Zimmer Bradley Literary Works Trust
Cover design copyright © 2011 by Vera Nazarian
Introduction © 2011 by Elisabeth Waters
A Legal Affair © 2011 by Kat Otis
The Seal Hunt © 2011 by Deborah J. Ross
The Girl Who Folded Dragons © 2011 by Jean Tatro
Hedgewitch © 2011 by Jonathan Shipley
Banjooli © 2011 by Melissa Mead
Truth in the Inward Parts © 2011 by Michael Spence and Elisabeth Waters
Mad Magic © 2011 by Margaret L. Carter
The Page Turner © 2011 by Dave Smeds
The Cave of Almerzan © 2011 by Patricia Duffy Novak
The Raw and the Cooked © 2011 by Michael H. Payne
Wisdom of Winds © 2011 by Pauline J. Alama
Nemesis © 2011 by Steve Chapman
The Hungry Ghost © 2011 by J.C. Hs
yu
Ghost Dance © 2011 by Jonathan Moeller
Hallah Iron-Thighs and the Dancing Djinn © 2011 by K.D. Wentworth
Time for Tears © 2011 by David L. Burkhead
Not the Best Neighbors © 2011 by Julia H. West
The Hate-Filled Gnome © 2011 by Joette M. Rozanski
Summer Flu © 2011 by Katharina Schuschke
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