by Lucy Rinaldi
I open the door a little wider for him to enter. He walks past me and the smell of his aftershave assaults my senses. He still wears the same aftershave as he did when we were in high school. I love that scent. Woodsy, spicy, so Hudson.
“Wow, now they are huge,” I smirk to myself as he stands stock still in front of my babies.
They are quite big for the breeds they are. Especially Cooper. For a Shepherd he is huge. But they’re my babies and they have plenty of exercise to keep them fit. They are also very strong. And the most loyal friend’s anybody could ask for. They sleep under my window in my bedroom. If I have nightmares, Cooper jumps onto my bed and lays his paw over me like he’s human. Calming me and showing me that he’ll protect me. And I know with the two of them by my side no one will be attacking me again in a hurry. Both dogs are trained to protect me. If only I’d had Cooper with me that day, that monster wouldn’t have stood a chance.
“Is that?”
“Cooper? Yes.”
“You still have him.” He says as he turns just his head to look at me with a smile on his face. “I can’t believe it.”
“He’s my baby, why wouldn’t I still have him? Just because you got him for me doesn’t mean I’d get rid of him as soon as you left. He’s a wonderful friend.”
“He always was.” His eyes turn from me to Cooper. “Hey, boy.” Do dogs have good memories? It seems as though they do, Cooper is by Hudson’s feet wanting fuss from him.
Traitor!
Hudson crouches down in front of Cooper. “Have you been taking care of mommy for me, Cooper?” I can’t help but smile, Cooper is handing his paw to Hudson as if to say, “Yes, I have been taking good care of her.” I always used to refer to Hudson and me as “Mommy and daddy” whenever I spoke to Cooper. He was like a child to us. I guess he and Roxy are the only kids I’ll ever have. “Good boy.”
“This is Roxy.” I stroke Roxy’s head without looking at Hudson. But I do sense him getting to his feet.
“They get on well?”
“They’re best friends.” They really are. I was so glad that Cooper and Roxy got on so well. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to keep Roxy if Cooper didn’t like her. But he did and she loved him just as much. And both dogs have been spayed and neutered so I don’t have to worry about accidental babies coming along. “I wouldn’t attempt to stroke her, she can be a little…” Traitor!
She’s nudging Hudson. He laughs and strokes her head. “Good girl.”
I bite my tongue. It’s silly to be jealous that your dogs like your ex. I thought Cooper would, Hudson was his daddy for a year, but Roxy? She hates men. She only tolerates my family because I lock her in the den. And now here she is loving the attention Hudson is giving her.
“You’re a teddy bear, aren’t you, girl?”
Nope, she most definitely is not! Except when it comes to you, it would seem.
“Come, Cooper. Roxy.” They follow me obediently as I lead them out to the back yard. I close the door behind them and make my way to the kitchen. “I’ll get some plates.” I haven’t made eye contact with Hudson yet. I feel too self-conscious.
He follows me to the kitchen like a loyal puppy. Everything inside of me is screaming for him to hold me like he used to. When he used to hold me, I felt like nothing in this world could ever harm me. I didn’t think it would be this hard to be in the same room with him, though. “Would you like a drink?”
“What I’d like is for you to look at me.”
“I have wine or beer. Or I could make tea or coffee. But I don’t think tea or coffee goes with Chow Mein.” I’m babbling. I can’t seem to stop myself. I feel him right behind me and I know he’s about to reach out and touch me, to force me to look at him.
I push away from him before he can touch me and set the plates on the table. “Sit down. I think we should have some wine. I’ll just grab it.”
We sit in silence while we eat. I can tell he’s looking at me. I guess it’s hard not to when I’m wearing a mask. But its flesh colored and moulds into my face like a second skin. It’s not always noticeable to people who don’t know me that it is, in fact, a mask. Until they look closely, of course, not that I let people look too closely.
Why am I being so self-conscious? I don’t have to be so self-conscious in front of him, he would never judge me, I know that deep down. We once shared a bond so special we felt it unbreakable. But it’s become part of my routine to hide from people. I just don’t know how to stop.
As soon as we’re done eating I wash the plates, I don’t like to leave a mess in my house when I don’t have to.
“I’ve missed you, Callie.” He says as I lead him into the living room with our wine. “I’ve thought about you every day I’ve been gone.”
“I’ve thought about you, too,” I say with honesty. “I’m glad you got to live your dream.”
“Don’t, Cal. You’re not glad. And it wasn’t my dream. I ran away because I couldn’t bear the pain of losing my mother. But losing you was the worst pain.”
I shake my head. I don’t want to hear this. I don’t want him to try and explain why he left. I don’t want him to explain anything to me. He left me here and carried on with his life without me. Crushing all of our plans for the future. He took my future and destroyed my heart with his harsh words, nothing he says will ever make any difference now. It’s done with.
I gasp as he takes my chin in his hand and turns my face towards him. He’s not going to let me get away with not looking at him. His eyes lock with mine and all I see is the man I once loved. The boy who asked me to be his girlfriend when he was four years old. The boy who chased me at school and wouldn’t stop until he made everyone see that I was his. The teenager who took me dirt bike riding, horse riding, skinny dipping. The little boy I taught to play the piano.
“Please,” I don’t really know what I’m pleading with him for. But as he wipes the tear from my cheek, I breathe him in, the scent of his aftershave, the scent of perfect man. The memories, those smells invoke are good ones. Ninety-nine percent of my memories of this man are good ones.
“Let’s do something tomorrow.”
“Why?”
“Because,” He smiles. Why isn’t he backing away from me? Okay, he can’t see any of my scars right now, but he must know about them. We live in a small town someone is bound to have told him what happened. His brother is bound to have filled him in. Why isn’t he repulsed by me? “I want to spend time with you. I want us to get to know each other again. But if you don’t…”
“I do.” I rush in. “I do. I just…”
Smooth, Callie. Real smooth. Could you have sounded any more desperate for his attention?
“You’re still angry with me.”
“It’s not that I’m angry with you, Sonny,” I don’t even know if I am angry with him anymore. And I don’t know why I called him Sonny.
“You only call me Sonny when you’re angry with me. But I’m always Hudson again when you’re turned on by me.” He smirks, and I can’t help but smile at him.
“I’m not angry with you anymore. Being angry doesn’t get anybody anywhere. Yes, I’m still a little hurt by the way you left me. But it’s done with now. I guess I just don’t understand why you’re here.”
He pulls his hand away from me, leaving me feeling bereft and longing for his touch. He turns in his seat and scrubs his hands over his face. “I’ve spent five years alone. Five years running from the pain of losing my mother. She was all Enzo and I had. After everything she suffered at the hands of my father, the way she protected us. Then he went to prison, and it was finally her time to be happy. Then in the blink of an eye, she was gone.”
I remember only too well how awful life was for Hudson and Enzo, and especially their mother, Alice. Their father, Brian, was a violent bully. Of course, it was a total secret from the town, meaning everyone knew but couldn’t prove it. There were many times Alice sent Enzo and Hudson around to my mother so she could keep them safe from B
rian. My father arrested Brian so many times for the abuse he inflicted upon Alice. Never once did she press charges.
Enzo was eighteen when he pressed charges against his father for beating the hell out of his mother. He went to prison for three years. In those three years, Alice got her life back. She even fell in love with Chris Johnston, the father of a friend of ours from school. No one had ever seen her so happy. Chris and Alice were so in love, and Hudson, Enzo, and Jane, Chris’s daughter, were happy, too.
Brian was released from prison and went straight home to Alice. He held her hostage, threatening to kill her if she didn’t go home to him. She refused, he beat the hell out of her.
Long story short, my father shot Brain. He had no other choice as he had Jane hostage along with Alice. Brain died a few hours later from his injury. Alice and Chris were married six months later. They had a wonderful eight years together in all.
Alice died from ovarian cancer when Hudson was twenty-one. It affected Hudson in the worst way. He left me because he couldn’t cope. He should have realized all he had to do was lean on me. I would have been there for him, helped him to be strong. But he didn’t and nothing I do now will ever change that fact.
Of course, I could hold a grudge and tell him I never want to see him again. But I’ve suffered enough pain in my life to know that anything could happen to end our lives. It’s just too short to hold grudges. I just want him back, however that may be. Don’t I deserve some happiness after everything?
“The pain inside of me, the pain I was running from, it never really eased up. I couldn’t run from it, Cal. No matter how much I tried. It took me five long years to realize the pain I was feeling was self-inflicted.” He turns to look at me again. “I hurt myself by running from you. You are who I needed, you were my life. I’m home now, and I won’t be leaving again. Not as long as there’s a chance for us.”
“Why would you think there’s a chance for us? You left me, Hudson. You walked away from me when I begged you not to. We were getting married. We had a future together, and you walked away.” There is a chance for us, but I won’t let him think I’ll forgive him so easily, even though I already have.
He grabs my hands in his. “Let me fix things, Callie. At least let me try. Come with me tomorrow. We can go anywhere you want to go.”
“I don’t know. We have a lot to talk about. You can’t just expect me to forget everything that happened.”
“You said you weren’t mad anymore.”
“I’m not. But after you left, just days after you left, things happened. Things that…” I really don’t want to have this conversation with him right now. “I guess it would be okay.”
He doesn’t say anything, he just smiles at me. And then, he kisses me. I flinch as his lips touch mine softly, but I melt when he slides his hand behind my head. The familiarity of his kiss feels like home to me.
But this can’t happen between us. As soon as he sees my body, he’ll run from me. If my face doesn’t scare him off first. But then why can’t I pull away from him? I wrap my arms around his neck and let him lead me into the most sensual kiss I’ve had since he last kissed me five years ago.
He pulls out of the kiss and cups the right side of my face. “Kissing you is like breathing air. I need it to survive. I’ve felt like I’ve been slowly dying for the past five years.”
You and me both, Hudson.
“Why are you wearing this thing?” I flinch and slap his hand away from my face as he reaches for my mask. I jump out of my seat. He can’t see my face. “Baby,”
“Don’t. If you can’t handle seeing me wearing this you definitely won’t handle seeing me without it. I’m not the girl you remember, Hudson.”
“You are the girl I remember. And I can handle anything, Callie. Anything. Especially where you’re concerned.”
“People have told you stuff about me?” I fold my arms around myself. This is too uncomfortable for words.
Hudson
“What did they tell you?” She’s looking at me with such sad eyes. I can see whatever actually happened to her has destroyed her. I want to fix this for her. I want to show her she’s still the same girl she was when we were together. She’s mine, and I will fix this.
“That you were attacked protecting your sisters and a friend” She nods and wipes a tear from her cheek. I hate seeing her cry it fucking kills me. “Is it true? Did he really do all of those things to you?”
I can see that it did happen to her, everything my brother said is true, I can see it in her eyes. Even if she doesn’t say anything I know it’s true.
“You don’t have to tell me anything, Cal. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I don’t want to talk about it with you. I don’t want you to look at me differently. It’s hard enough knowing that you’ve already seen my face with this.” She points to the mask on her face.
“You look exactly the same to me, Callie.”
“Because you haven’t seen what’s underneath.”
“With or without that mask you will always look the same to me.”
“I should go to bed.”
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow?” She nods and kisses my cheek before walking me to the front door. “Sleep well, baby.” I kiss her cheek and stand looking at her until she slowly closes her door and deadbolts it. I’ll find the girl within and bring her back to the surface. I won’t stop until I do.
Five
Callie
Agreeing to spend time with Hudson was a big mistake. I can’t go out and about around town in daylight. But I can’t stand him up either. He seemed so happy when I agreed. Why the frig did I do that?
He did tell me he’d pick me up after I’d been to my parents for Sunday lunch. It’s kind of a tradition. My sisters and I have lunch with my parents every Sunday. Always have. My brothers aren’t around much anymore so it’s just my sisters, their partners, and me who attend. I could have done without it today if I’m honest, my mother is again trying to marry me off with some eligible bachelor or another. She used to do it a lot after Hudson left. She’s even worse now that I’m scarred.
That’s not to say she didn’t totally spring this guy on me today. I arrived to find my sisters and their partners already at the table – because I’m always late – according to my mother anyway. Even though I’m never late for anything if I can help it. And some tall, blond, rather handsome teacher from my mother’s school was sat with them. I realized I may have been ten minutes late.
It might have something to do with the fact I haven’t slept a wink all night. I couldn’t get Hudson out of my mind. Thoughts of him, fantasies about him, memories of him, all running through my mind. Thoughts of “What if”
What if we could make a go of things?
What if we could get back the life we once shared?
Apparently, the guy my mother brought round for lunch has been working with her for eight months. I’ve never met him, but that’s not to say I haven’t heard about him from my sisters before now. I’m not sure how I couldn’t have seen him around, but I guess locking myself away so much didn’t help.
Henry Wolfe is thirty-two years of age and a teacher of geography. And right now, I could gladly kill my mother.
He’s sitting opposite me and he’s done nothing but stare at me throughout lunch. He might be smiling and talking like he’s always known me, but I can tell he’s uncomfortable with the fact I’m wearing my face mask. It’s not like people in this town don’t know what happened to me. They may not know everything, but this is a small town and it was impossible to hide the fact something terrible happened.
Hell, people only have to look at me to know the rumors are half true. That, and I swear the whole town watched me being brought out of my bakery after it happened. Luckily for me, I don’t remember anything after doctor psycho shot me.
I’m trying to join in with the conversations around the table, I’m trying to be normal, but my mother knows how uncomfortable this kind of thing makes me.
Does she honestly think I would want this? To be forced into relationships with men when I look the way I do? I hated it when she used to do it after Hudson left. I hate it more now.
Why doesn’t she understand that I’m a grown woman and I don’t need her trying to find me a husband? Just because my sisters and one of my brothers are married doesn’t mean she has to marry me off.
She doesn’t do this to Kory, so why me?
Then again, Kory wouldn’t be as nice as me should my mother set him up like this. He’d go crazy and make whichever girl was sat at the table feel like shit. Not that he should ever do that.
Oh, I know she means well, but Hudson is home now. My Hudson. The man I have loved since I was a little girl. When he was no longer here, I could pretend I didn’t care. But my heart belongs to him, no one else. And in my heart, I’m hoping that he won’t turn around and leave once he sees me for what I am now.
God, this is so fucking humiliating.
“Perhaps you could give Henry some piano lessons, Caroline?”
“Mother, do not call me Caroline. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, my name is Callie.”
“Your name is Caroline. I named you as such. It’s the name on your birth certificate, passport, drivers license. You may call yourself Callie, but the fact will always remain that you are Caroline Lillian Harper.”
Bitch!
If I could scream that at her, believe me, I would. I haven’t called myself, Caroline since my baby sister was snatched when I was seven! It was too hard. I hated Caroline for not being able to save my baby sister. So Caroline died that day and Callie was born. The least my mother could do after nineteen years is respect that fact.
But I swear, my mother blames me for what happened, and for the fact, my sister was never found, and never will be. I know in my heart, my baby sister is dead. And it was my fault. My mother may not have ever said anything of the sort, but I feel it by the way she treats me.
“Whatever, mother. I don’t teach piano. I only taught my sisters and one other person because I wanted to.” She’ll try anything to get me alone with a man.