by Ruiz, Rebeca
“You look worried.” Mathew’s voice brings me out of my thoughts. I look at him and smile. Him and his green eyes always make me smile.
“I’m fine.” He frowns. I’ve noticed that Mathew doesn’t like it when I say that I’m fine, I think it’s because he knows that I’m not. “Really, I’m okay.” I lie and kiss him to make him forget about it.
“Presley!” I hear Dessie whisper/scream in the library. We’re so far back that I know the librarian won’t care if we talk with our normal voices.
I pull away and see Dessie. She’s in my oversized sweater, I let her borrow it, and she’s wearing jeans and boots. She can pull off any outfit together and she would look gorgeous in it, I swear she should be a model.
“What’s up?” I ask.
She pushes makes Mathew scoot over and she sits in between us. There was a reason behind why Dessie did that. Mathew and I had trouble keeping our hands off each other, making it harder for me to concentrate.
“I got us tickets to Afterlife.” My eyes widened. Afterlife was an up and coming Indie band. I randomly came across them one time while I was book shopping, the book store was playing their music and a lyric made me stop. I’ve loved them ever since.
“Who is Afterlife?” Mathew asks, peering over to ask me. I smile at him.
“A band who speaks from our hearts and makes us cry and feel.” Dessie says for us very dramatically. She was in love with them ever since I showed her them, and very determined to go see them live on their current tour.
I look at Mathew. “What she said.”
“When are you two going to go see them?”
“Tomorrow night.” Twenty four hours from now we would be there. I would be bringing my photo camera to hopefully get some good pictures. I wanted to remember that night.
“I talked to my parents, they said it was fine to stay at the house.” They weren’t going to be home, and it would be empty without the staff, so they couldn’t care less if we stayed there as long as we didn’t make a mess.
I could see the worry in Mathew’s face again. He was afraid, and I had no idea why. I haven’t hurt myself, or had suicidal ideations. For the first time in my life I felt…stable. Maybe I was getting better.
I looked down and I listened to Dessie talk about our plans. She seemed to be oblivious to some tension. Mathew’s tension.
I didn’t want him to worry, but I knew he had something to worry about. I still hadn’t talked to him about what haunted me, but he wasn’t pushing me to tell him. Did I want to tell him? Of course! I just wasn’t mentally ready to let him into that part of my very dark mind. Will I ever be ready to hand him my burden?
Chapter Fourteen
Mathew Pennington
I ran into the elevator before it could close. Finn Riley muttered something and looked away. He knew. Before I could even get the words out of my mouth, he looked at me and began to speak.
“You should really let Presley tell you this.”
“And she will tell me when she’s ready, but I need to know now.” He shakes his head. “Please.”
“You could have any girl on this campus. And you chose her. Why?” Finn asked. “You could have picked a girl who didn’t come with as much baggage as she does. We both know that she’s not okay, and most likely never will be.”
I pushed him against the wall. “Don’t talk like she has no chance at being happy. If anyone deserves to be happy and whole is her. It may take some work to get her there, but I’m willing to be patient and help her out.”
Finn didn’t look happy, and he pushed me back. I took a step back and took a breath. I wanted to hurt him.
“Okay, now that I know you’re serious about her, I’m going to tell you.” He made me angry just to see if I was serious about Presley? “She tried to kill herself a few months before she went off to Europe.”
My heart dropped. “What?”
“You heard me. Presley calls it her one bad day. I think she’s in denial about what she has. I’ve known her for five years and I’ve noticed things about her. Her self-harm, how she goes through times of serious depression and too much happiness.” I guess my expression gives it all away. “You’ve noticed it, too. I believe she has some type of mood disorder. Maybe Bipolar, or maybe it’s Borderline Personality Disorder. Presley refuses to go to a doctor, her parents and brother are clueless about what she’s going through.”
“What happened when she tried to kill herself?” I ask, afraid of the answer.
“She took a few pills, called me, threw them up. I sat with her all night to make sure she hadn’t overdosed, my dad is a doctor so I had his number on speed dial. Now, she refuses to ever talk about her bad day. Presley thinks unloading on someone is selfish, and she would never hand out her burdens onto someone else.” Meaning, she’ll be reluctant to open up to me. “Anyway, afterward, she planned her trip to Europe. I didn’t see her until that day in the library. For a moment, I let myself believe that maybe she was doing better.”
Every time I look at Presley, all I can think about is the time she once thought she wasn’t worth anything. Maybe she still thinks that, and every time I see her getting lost in herself, I try and bring her back. I fear the one day that I can’t.
It was hard not to convince her to not go to the concert, I had this horrible feeling. I sucked it up, though, and I pretended that I was happy.
“Now you look upset.” Presley says when we’re lying down in her bed after an intense make out session. That’s all we’ve been doing, making out, and then I’ll finger her. I’m only going at the speed she wants me to go at, and I’m perfectly okay with that.
“I’m just thinking about the last soccer game.” It was on Friday and it was against our biggest rivals, Northwestern.
“You’re going to be great, you always are.” Presley starts kissing my neck. “Do I need to take your mind off that?” She says in this low sexy voice, my cock immediately hardens.
“How do you plan on doing that?” I ask her.
I’ve noticed that Presley likes to be in control, she likes to be on top when we make out, she likes to initiate things first. I watch as Presley takes off her sweater, once again to reveal to me that she does not wear shirts underneath. Then I watch her take off her bra to reveal her beautiful breasts.
I was never a boob guy before Presley, but now, I definitely am. Hers are just so perfect and round.
“Does this help?” She asks, and I answer her by slipping my mouth over her breast, and grabbing the other one with my hand.
I hear her little soft breaths and moans. I rub my thumb over her nipple and she whimpers from how sensitive they are.
“More. I want more, Mathew.”
“What do you want me to do?” I ask her, teasing her lower stomach with soft lingering kisses.
“I want you inside me.” I looked at her. Her eyes were full of sureness.
“What?”
“I know we haven’t really talked about this, but I am sure.” I hesitated. “Wait. Are you not sure?” She reached for her sweater and slipped it on and got off my lap.
“I didn’t say I wasn’t sure.” What if she did have Bipolar disorder? What if she was having a manic episode, I would be taking advantage of her. I thought about this every time I touched her.
“Then what’s wrong?” I could see she was close to tears. “Do I not turn you on? It’s the scars isn’t it.”
“That’s not it!”
She shakes her head. “You need to go.” Presley opens her dorm door and I just stare at her. “Please leave!”
I knew what would happen if I left. She could possibly hurt herself. I needed Dessie or even Finn to come over and calm her down, I needed someone there with her if I couldn’t be. I stood up.
“Promise you’re not going to hurt yourself.”
“I’m not going to hurt myself, now please go.” I nod and I leave. She slams the door and I stop walking.
I
know I should be in there, helping her deal with this, but I don’t know how. Does anyone know how?
I wake up around two in the morning to my phone ringing, but by the time I find it, the ringing stopped. Dessie was calling me. Why was she calling me so late? I had so many missed calls from her.
There was a knock on my door and James came in, hopping on one leg. I was surprised he was even home, lately he’s been at so many parties just screwing anything that walked. James threw the phone at me.
“It’s Dessie, said it’s urgent.” Of course, James doesn’t know about this. About his sisters problems. He must still think that Dessie and I are dating or we had something.
I wait until he walks out of my room to answer the phone. “What’s wrong? Why are you calling me so late?”
“It’s Presley.” She says. I immediately start putting on clothes. “I think she was drugged or something, she didn’t do drugs. She didn’t even take a sip of alcohol. Presley is acting wild, doing stuff she wouldn’t do.”
“Where are you?” I grab my keys and head out.
“I managed to get her home, but now she’s destroying her parents place.” I could hear the things crashing on the floor. “I can’t get her to calm down!”
“I’ll be there in half an hour, just make sure she doesn’t hurt herself.”
“You’re an hour away, how are-“ I stop her.
“I’ll be there in half an hour.”
Speeding the whole way there, I managed to make it in thirty five minutes. All the lights were on at the house. Looking at it from the outside, it looked calm and quiet.
Before I could even get to the door, Dessie ran out of the house. I could see that Presley had scared her. I saw relief on her face when she saw me.
“She’s locked herself in the upstairs bathroom when she heard me talking to you.” I walked past her and went into the home I’ve been in many times before.
James used to throw parties here every weekend. I’ve seen the worst happen to this house, but I’ve never seen it in this condition. Every picture frame had been thrown to the ground and smashed.
I quickly made my way to the upstairs bathroom where I heard the sobbing coming from. I turned the handle, but the door was locked.
“Go away, Dessie!” Presley screamed.
“It’s not Dessie.” I say.
Silence. “I don’t want to see you either!”
“Well, you’re not getting rid of me that easily. If you don’t open this door, I’m going to have to call your brother, maybe even your parents.” I knew threats were not the way to go, but I didn’t know how else to handle this. “Will you please open this door, Presley?” I asked softly.
The lock clicked, she only unlocked it. I opened the door slowly, afraid of what I was going to see in the bathroom.
Presley was sitting with her head in her knees on the floor. I sat next to her, pushing her hair away from her face and she looked at me. It broke my heart how defeated she looked, no one should have to go through this.
“What’s wrong with me?” She sniffles. “Half the time I don’t know what is going on with me. I don’t know why I feel so sad all the time.” I grabbed her hands, quickly glancing over her body, feeling relief when I don’t see any new wounds.
“I’m going to help you figure this out.” I promise her.
“What if I can’t be helped?” She whispers.
“Everyone can be helped, they just have to be willing to accept it.”
Chapter Fifteen
Presley Masters
I took one of my mother’s Valium so I could sleep. I think I hit a breaking point last night, I hadn’t slept in four days. Things that I knew didn’t make sense in my head, made sense last night.
I thought maybe if I trashed my parents house I would feel better. I thought if I locked myself in the bathroom, I would disappear. I was so hostile, and I don’t even know why. I knew Dessie and Mathew just wanted to help, but I wouldn’t allow them to help.
Mathew stayed with me until I woke up. I had a clearer head when I had woken up. I suddenly realized that I had to explain the mess to my parents. I ruined all those frames, I smashed things against the wall, leaving them chipped.
I felt so stupid for doing what I did. If only I had better control of myself, I wouldn’t have done any of that.
“Wait. What happened last night?” My mother asked.
“I drank a little, and I guess I got too drunk too fast. I got reckless and I smashed the frames, and threw stuff against the wall in the family room.”
“Presley, you have to learn how to control your alcohol consumption. Try to stay away from it now. You’re lucky we were planning to redo the house anyway, so don’t worry about the chips on the walls.”
My mother didn’t really believe in disciplining James or I. She thought life would teach us the lessons we needed, so it didn’t surprise me that she didn’t really care about what I did. Don’t get me wrong, my mother loves us, but she was as passive as they came.
“I’ll get Georgie to clean up the mess today, I don’t want you hurting yourself. Wear shoes around the house. Are you okay now?” I thought about it.
I thought of telling her about how sad and numb I felt. How I have felt since I was fifteen, but I knew she wouldn’t be able to handle it.
“I’m fine.” I say just as Mathew comes back into my room. He frowns at the words that leave my mouth.
“Alright then, I have to go now, but good luck on your midterms next week. I love you.” Another thing I couldn’t tell her. I was on the brink of failing most of my classes. I had fallen behind from missing so many classes, the only classes I was passing was English and Photography.
“I love you, too.” I end the call and I look at Mathew.
“We should get back to campus. What did your mom say about the mess?”
“Georgie is coming by later to clean up.” Georgie is our maid.
He sits down next to me.
“I think we should tell your parents about what you’re going through.” I started to panic at the thought of my parents knowing.
“No. I can’t tell them.” I know how mental illness is dealt with in my family. It is ignored and looked down upon. My parents are religious, their beliefs are strong. If I have something serious, they will make me join a convent to save me instead of taking medication or sending me to a psychiatric hospital.
“We can have James-“ I cut him off.
“No. If you tell my parents or James, I’ll never forgive you, Mathew. I have to deal with this without their help.”
“You can’t just try to hide this from them forever, Presley. Eventually they will find out. They love you, they will get you the help you need.” What if he’s right and then will get me the help I need? What happens if the doctors say I can’t be fixed? That I will be like this for the rest of my life.
“Mathew, I’m serious. I’m not ready to tell them.” He sighs.
“Fine.” I knew I was putting him in a terrible position. This is why I didn’t want to get involved with him. I just hurt everyone around me. “Do you want to ride with me or Dessie?” I dreaded going back to campus.
“You.” I say quietly.
He puts his hand out for me to grab, and I intertwine our fingers together. We walk out to his car and I see Dessie in my car. I walk up to the window.
“I assumed you wanted to go with him.” She says and she smiles.
“I’ll get him to drop me off at your place, can we talk?” Dessie nods. “Call Finn, too.” Finn and Dessie have been getting along great, but they were just friends. My friends.
“I will.”
“Thank you.” I got into the car with Mathew.
“Is everything okay?” Finn asks as soon as he gets to Dessie’s apartment. There was a reason I only wanted the two of them, I didn’t want to hurt Mathew anymore. I planned on ending it, we could be friends, but it’s just too hard right now to be anything mo
re with him. My heart ached.
“We’re all fine.” I say.
We were sat on Dessie’s couch. Finn sat next to me. “So why have you called this meeting?” Finn asks.
“I um.” Suddenly there was a huge lump in my throat. They were both looking at me. I felt the tears building up. “I think I need to break up with Mathew.” I say it so quietly because I can’t say it any louder without bursting into tears.
“What did he do?” Finn looked agitated. “Did he hurt you?” I could see he was ready to run out and confront Mathew.
“No. I’m hurting him.” I wipe the tears that have slipped. “I thought maybe, he could help me, but I can’t even tell him what’s wrong with me. I’m being selfish.” I broke out into sobs, unable to keep it in anymore.
As soon as Mathew left for the soccer game, I went over to James’ apartment. I knocked and James opened the door. He seemed surprised to see me. We haven’t been talking like we used to.
“What’s going on, PB?” I was on his spin chair in his room and he was sitting on his bed. He had four more weeks of his cast, and then he would be doing rehab for his leg with the athletic trainer.
“I need your help talking to mom and dad.” I admit to him. I was going to be kicked out of school this semester if I didn’t get my grades up. I needed at least C’s.
“With what?”
“I don’t want to be at SU.”
“Do you want to transfer somewhere else?” He asks, a little bit confused about where I was going with this.
“I was thinking community college. I can take as many classes as I want, at my own pace. I can do free lance jobs, I already have more than a few offers.” My photo teacher has been showing my portfolio for this semester to some colleagues of his, and he’s been getting great feedback for me.
James just stares at me. “What about all the friends you’ve made? And Dessie? Aren’t you going to miss it here?”
“Of course I am, but I’m not thriving here. I feel so overwhelmed. I think community college will be helpful, and my photography career is taking off.” I was being as honest as I could be with James.