To Save You

by Ruiz, Rebeca

  Together we walked to the inside courtyard. It was a small area, just to force dogs to meet their potential new owners.

  “Do you think we can talk afterward?” Mathew asks as I sit on the floor and Bear runs up to me.

  I pet his golden hair and he just rubs his head into my hand. I was going to fall in love with this dog very quickly.

  “My mom is in the car, waiting for me. She’s still watching me like a hawk.” I threw a toy and Bear ran after it, quickly bringing it back.

  “Please look at me.” My eyes went up to Mathew. “I’ll meet you anywhere, any time. I just know we have to talk.”

  I nod. “Okay. My room, midnight.” He nods.

  “I’ll be there.”

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Mathew Pennington

  I watched Presley play with Bear. The dog was sweet, and I could see he was going to be a good fit for her. The volunteer was even smiling at them.

  “I think it’s decided, you will be taking Bear home tomorrow. I would say today, but I think you need more time fixing the house and you can take the extra time to get everything for him.” I zoned out and just watched Presley listening to him.

  My eyes wandered over to her arms. Her scars were healing, and she didn’t cover them, she had nothing to hide. It was a part of who she was, and I accepted it.

  Presley kissed the dog on top of his head, and she whispered something to him before the volunteer took him back. Something I couldn’t hear.

  “I’ll see you tonight.” She says as we get near the exit. I had come in through the back so her mom didn’t see me.

  “It’s a date.” Presley bites her lip and my heart beats a little bit faster. I grabbed her hand and I could see tears forming in her eyes.

  “We’ll talk when you get there.” She says and she gets on her tippy toes and kisses my cheek. Presley walks away.

  I climbed up to the balcony to her room. Her light was on and she was writing something in a journal. I knocked and she looked at me. Presley motioned me to come in and I did. She closed her journal and I sat on her bed.

  “How have you been?” I ask her.

  “It’s been tough, but right now it feels like everything is falling into place. I have two weeks of outpatient to go through. I’m glad you wanted to talk to me.”

  “Why wouldn’t I want to talk to you?” I pushed a few strands of hair behind her ear and she was blushing. “If anything, I thought you didn’t want to see me at all.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong, Mathew. You were trying to save me, and I admire you for that. You saved me from myself, how could I ever thank you for that?” I could see her words were genuine. “If anyone has to apologize, it’s me. I put you through hell, I made you keep a secret that I had no right in asking you to keep.”

  “Don’t apologize, Presley. You were sick.”

  “My illness was no excuse. I’ve talked about this in therapy, and there’s one thing I know. I made you a victim of my illness, I didn’t mean to make you a casualty.” Tears were streaming down her face.

  “Let’s agree to disagree. I love you. I’ll always be there for you, baby.” I kiss her softly.

  “How can you love me?” I wipe her tears away with my thumb.

  “Love can’t be explained with words. Only actions. I told your brother because I love you. I stayed away because I thought it would help you heal better.” I whispered against her soft lips.

  “Please don’t ever stay away again, I’ll always want you.”

  “Then I’ll always be there for as long as you’ll have me.”

  “I love you.” She says and I kiss her. Presley pulls away.

  “I uh had this journal I had to keep while in the hospital, and I used it mostly to write letters. I wrote some to you.” She stands and grabs her journal I saw her writing in earlier, pages were filled.

  “I never got any letters.”

  “I never sent them because I thought I ruined your life.” She hands me the journal. “I want you to read it. It’s very detailed and maybe you’ll understand what was going through my mind these past few months…years.”

  She was letting me in.

  Chapter Twenty Three

  Presley Masters

  “This is not a small dog, Presley Beth!” I smiled at my mom.

  “Isn’t he beautiful? He’s going to thrive so much in our home. I just want to cuddle with him all day.” Bear had his head on my lap and I just petted his head. I had gone to pick him up without my mom since she had an important call to attend to.

  “He is pretty gorgeous.” She says softly and pets him as well.

  The doorbell rings, and she looks at me. All the visitors we’ve had have been for me, Dessie, Finn. That’s pretty much it. “It’s Dessie. She wanted to come over to make cookies.” She smiles.

  “I’ll get it then!” Mom loves Dessie. They just clicked when I introduced them, and I swear my mom wants to adopt her.

  Bear was pretty calm, I was happy to see that he seemed to like his new home. I patted the empty space next to me and he jumped up and laid down.

  “Look at them.” Dessie says, and looks at us in awe. “Are you up for a lovely winter walk so we can eat all those cookies?” It didn’t feel like winter today, it was nearly fifty degrees and we were two days away from Christmas.

  “Of course.” I stand and slip on my sweater. “Come on, Bear.”

  “Wait, I need to ask Dessie a question.” My mother says and she looks at Dessie. “Please tell me you’ll come to Christmas dinner.”

  Dessie’s dad died in the 9/11 attacks, she told me one time when she was drunk, and her mom died of skin cancer before school started, so she’ll be alone this holiday season. When Dessie and I had sleepovers, she often cried in her sleep. She’s just filled up with so much grief just like I was filled up with darkness and self-destruction.

  Dessie nods. “You’re sweet for inviting me, Mrs. Masters. Thank you.”

  We get outside and Bear is walking next to us on his lead. We enjoy the beautiful day, and probably the last good day until spring.

  “I got a call today.” I say to Dessie. She looks at me and gives me an excited look.

  “From that London Magazine?” I nod.

  I applied for that job months ago, before school even started, and I finally got answer. They wanted me at their London office as a photographer, and I still had to tell my parents and my brother…and Mathew.

  “That’s amazing! When do you leave?”

  “I don’t know if I should take the job.” I admit. “I like Chicago, it’s home.” I lie. Sort of. Of course I love Chicago, but I love Mathew more.

  “This isn’t about leaving Chicago, is it?” I shake my head. “Mathew will understand. If he really loves you, he’ll let you go to London.”

  “I want to be with him, but we’re young. We still have so much of the world to see and explore. He’ll be getting his degree in a year and a half, then he’ll be traveling and taking care of his parents business. The distance could ruin the relationship.”

  “It’s at least worth giving it a try, isn’t it?” I nod. “Then don’t give up until you give it all you’ve got. You deserve that job, and he will understand that and tell you to take it.”

  Christmas and New Years passed by in a blink of an eye.

  My mom wasn’t too happy that I had taken the job in London at first, but after talking with her, she came around. Now she is super excited to come visit me, and see me in my new office. I still can’t believe it.

  Bear is coming with me, but after I find an apartment, and I get settled in. My mom will be flying him over with her, and we’ll get started on our new London life.

  Since Mathew is in New York, and was for Christmas and New Years, I called him about the job.

  “That is amazing, Presley.” He seemed to be happy for me. Maybe a little too happy. “You’re following your dreams.”

  A sniffle esc
aped me.

  “Why are you crying, baby?” He tried to soothe me even though he was miles away from me.

  “What does this mean for us?”

  He sighs. “Presley, do you love me?”

  “I do.”

  “Do you know that I love you?”

  “I do.” I couldn’t see where he was going with this. Love doesn’t last forever, it doesn’t keep relationships together at our age. I was afraid that this was just a phase of my young life, and that it would end messy. I was afraid of what would and wouldn’t happen.

  “We’ll make this work, babe. There is the phone and Skype, and we could write letters to each other.” I smiled. “We can get through it together.”

  “I love you so much.” I say, wiping the tears away.

  “I love you. Make me proud, go to London and show them what you are made of.” He was right.

  I had already put in my work visa application on a rush, meaning I needed an answer right away, and the post office promised to have it in a week. If it all worked out, I’d be in London in two weeks time.

  For the first two weeks in London I would be staying at a hotel and looking for apartments, then Bear would come to move in with me. I’d also be working, they mostly wanted me for themes and to maybe write some articles.

  I already had my first assignment, capture the essence of London in peoples eyes. It was the magazines ten year anniversary, and it was my chance to prove myself.

  I felt a bit panicked, I could have made a mistake, what if I wasn’t ready for this job? I also felt a surge inside me, like I could do anything. I was determined to succeed and prove that I could do what I love as my job.

  I have my whole family behind me on this, and my friends, and Mathew. At least, I think so…

  Chapter Twenty Four

  Mathew Pennington

  I finished reading her journal when Presley called me about the job in London. I was so happy for her, and as soon as the call ended I felt dread.

  She wrote that her biggest fear was being held back, and she wanted to thrive and shoot for the moon. Now I was afraid that I would be holding her back.

  I don’t know if I believed half of the things that came out of my mouth while I was talking to her. I just went with whatever she wanted and said, this was her dream, it meant the world to her. I thought about what I wanted, to take over the family business, to travel, to have a family.

  Two weeks later, I still was in New York, and I knew she was in London now. We talked every day. It was a lot harder than we thought, her phone calls would come in early, my phone would either not be charged or I would sleep through the ringtone. When I’d call, it would be late at night over there.

  I love Presley. I do. More than life. I love the way she smiles, and the way her laugh is so bubbly, and the way she is so passionate. But if we’re both succeeding at different rates, how can we make that work?

  Chapter Twenty Five

  Presley Mathews

  I was looking at my phone while waiting for my mother to get off the private jet. Mathew hasn’t called in a few days, and I was worried. It’s only been a month since I got to London and was our relationship already going down the drain?

  “Presley.” I looked up to see my mother with someone carrying Bear in a crate. I smiled.

  “Hey, mom.” I hugged her and something caught my eye. More like someone.

  “Hey, beautiful.” I smiled even more, like that was even possible. My heart fluttered as I saw Mathew standing in front of me.

  I pulled away from my mom and ran into Mathew. He kissed me softly, and pulled away, for my mothers sake, I assume.

  “I love you.” He says.

  “I love you, too.”

  “Come on, I am sporting a massive headache, and I need to get to my hotel.” My mother says, dragging us to where there were cabs waiting.

  “Hotel?” Last time we talked she said she was staying in my apartment, or flat as they call it here.

  “I knew you two would want some privacy, so I’ll be at a hotel. Be warned, I will be there in the morning for breakfast.” I laugh, but I am blushing. She kisses my cheek. “I love you, and I’ll see you tomorrow.” She gets into the first cab and we get into the second one with Bear out of the crate.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” I ask Mathew, running my fingers through his hair.

  “It’s called a surprise for a reason, beautiful.” Even though I knew I was supposed to be happy, I felt something was off.

  But I just smiled and let Mathew kiss my head.

  Bear was going crazy in my flat. Mathew and I just watched him and laughed. Finally, he found his place on the couch, and he fell asleep, began to snore away.

  “I think he’ll fit in really well here with you.” Mathew says. I look at him, and I could see he had trouble looking at me in the eye.

  “Is something wrong?” Finally, he looks at me. His green eyes were filled with something, I don’t know what.

  “No.” He smiles and kisses me.

  Quickly, the kiss gets intense, and Mathew presses me onto the couch. I wrapped my legs around his waist. Mathew was acting different, and I knew.

  He was going to break up with me. This was passionate goodbye sex. I’ve had it before with Finn. Of course with Finn it was always, until next time, goodbye for now sex.

  My eyes quickly welled up with tears. As his mouth left mine to kiss my jaw and then neck, I couldn’t stop the sobs from coming.

  “What’s wrong?” Mathew asks. In his eyes, I could see that he knew what this was about.

  I push him off me and I sit up, I wasn’t going to cry. I was going to be strong until he left, then I would cry behind closed doors.

  “You came to London to break up with me, didn’t you?” Silence. “Didn’t you?” I yelled. I was done.

  “Originally, that was not the point of this trip. I wanted to come see you.” I covered my ears. This couldn’t be happening. It had to be a nightmare. “I’m just thinking of you, I love you, but I don’t want us to hold each other back.”

  “You don’t hold me back, Matty. We pull each other forward. Unless, I’m wrong. Am I holding you back? Is that what you think?”

  “I didn’t want to hurt you.” He says. I feel like my heart has been shattered in a million pieces.

  “Don’t worry. You didn’t.” He is killing me instead. I have seconds before I lose it, and I just walk into my room. I slam the door, and I hear Mathew on the other side.

  I knew the fear that would be running through him. If I could feel anything at this moment, I would cut myself. But I can’t. I’ve come to far. I knew if I did it, it’d set me back, maybe get me sent back to the hospital.

  I was thriving here in London. My photographs were being published on covers. I was living my dream. Mathew should be able to do the same with his fathers family business, he would shoot for the moon and succeed.

  “Presley, please open the door.”

  “I’m fine.” I say, spouting the words I know he hates to hear coming out of my mouth. “I just need to think about things.”

  “Are you going to hurt yourself, Presley?” The tears began to fall. It took me a few seconds before I could answer him. I could feel the panic attack coming, I haven’t had one in months, the drugs kept my anxiety at bay most of the time..

  “No.” I was starting to breathe harder. Reality was catching up with me. Fuck. How delusional could I be?

  Mathew doesn’t want me. Not fucked up me, not healthy me. Who would ever want a person as damaged as I am? No one. That’s who.

  “Please, baby. Let me in.” My back is against the door. He won’t push through it if he knows I am there.

  I’m done letting people in because all I get is a world of hurt, and I look like the fool in the end. It’s a small world, filled with people who all think the same. There are a few, like me, who see the world differently, and that scares them, so they push us down
and hurt us. I say that only pushes us to rise higher.

  So maybe this is a moment in my life when I get pushed to the ground, and I break a few bones. But I’ll be stronger in the end, and that’s the way I’ll end up looking at it in a few days, months, years. Right now though, my heart feels like it’s barely hanging on by a thread.

  Chapter Twenty Six

  Mathew Pennington

  The day before…

  I would be seeing Presley in less than ten hours, I would have her in my arms, and I would be able to kiss her and say I love you to her face and not just a computer screen. It was a surprise.

  Surprisingly, Presley’s mother invited me. She seemed very eager to have me come with her, and I agreed in an instant. I wasn’t aware that she knew of our relationship.

  It was an overnight flight, and we would be flying in the Masters family private jet. Now we were just waiting for take off, and I was getting ready to sleep.

  I have been thinking about Presley and I’s relationship a lot this past month, and I’ve come to the conclusion that, although we are very wrong for each other, we’re also very right for each other.

  I love her. As somebody famous once said, love will conquer all. We can get through any obstacle as long as we’re there for each other. At least, I think so.

  After we took off, her mother sat in front of me. It’s crazy how much they look alike, but their personalities were so different.

  “We need to talk.”

  “About?”

  “I love my daughter, and I’ll do everything I can to protect her.” I listened carefully to every word she was saying. “Including protecting her from you. Presley wants to pretend she can handle a relationship, but she’s in recovery. She wants to date you against my and the doctors insistence. If what you two have doesn’t work out, it will destroy her, maybe even set her back.” She was right.

  “I love your daughter. I will never stop loving her.” I felt like I had to say that.