“Since the day the little bastard was born,” she replied.
“So you’re aware that he’s less than stellar in the morals, brains and manners department,” I snapped.
“He’s an epic ass, but I love the little shit. Can’t help it,” Janet replied as she flew over to me and got in my personal space. “Does that bother you, girlie?”
She was screwing with me. I knew it. She knew it and my sisters knew it. Janet’s minutes on Earth were numbered.
“Are you in love with him?” she demanded.
“Are you?” I countered as my hair began to blow around my head and a lavender-scented wind kicked up blowing everything around my room willy-nilly.
The bird cackled and walloped me on the back of my head, sending me flying across my messy room.
“What the what?” I shouted as I got to my feet and prepared to rip the sack of feathers in half.
Raising my hands above my head, I was ready to off the obnoxious pet of the jackass who wanted to woo me. He didn’t seem to like her much so I figured it was probably fine.
“Not so fast, hooker,” Janet bellowed and then laughed like a loon. “You love him and you hate him. Wonderful.”
“What are you idiots sniffing out there on that ship?” I demanded. The bird was as insane as her owner.
“Fish guts and farts,” Janet cackled. “You’re gonna have to make the boy work for it. I’d suggest a year for every gold coin he pilfered from you.”
“Wait,” I said, lowering my itchy trigger fingers and glaring at the bird. “You lost me. I thought you loved the jackhole.”
“I do,” she said and puffed out her scrawny chest. “But not the same way you do, hooker. That would be illegal.”
“Care to be more specific?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at the smack talking feathered freak.
“Nope.”
We silently eyed at each other for a minute and then I shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. I don’t want the thieving dolt.”
“Liar, liar, bikini on fire,” Janet crowed and flew around the room dropping bombs of turd everywhere. “I think the book will prove me right.”
“Plug that sphincter or I’ll plug it for you,” I warned. “And trust me, it won’t be pleasant.”
“You’re a violent little vixen,” Janet squawked with approval. “You’ll give me some spicy grandchildren.”
Janet quit flying midair and dropped to the ground with a thud. She was as shocked by her admission as I was.
“Loose lips sink ships,” I muttered with a grin.
I had her. She was about to spill her guts or I was going to bust her pooping ass.
“Shite,” she groaned and slapped herself on the head with her wing. “Didn’t mean to say that.”
“Start talking, bird, or you’re gonna have some explaining to do to your son,” I threatened.
“Fine. What do you want to know?” Janet huffed and pooped in protest.
“Everything. I want to know everything.”
10
Pirate Doug
“What’s that smell?” Tallulah asked, wrinkling her nose and trying not to gag.
I sniffed the air in alarm and shook my head to clear it. My brain wasn’t functioning on all cylinders due to the mouthwatering scraps of material Tallulah had chosen to wear. The dinghy ride over had been a monstrous challenge.
Keeping my hands to myself had taken all the self-control I had—not that I had much to begin with. I’d accidentally rowed in circles for thirty minutes before I could figure out how to maneuver the small craft back to the ship. Thankfully my Johnson-induced lack of coordination seemed to amuse my Mermaid.
Now finally back on the ship, I was panicked that something had gone awry in my absence. Glancing around, I tried to sniff out the location of the heinous aroma. Was it Bonar? Or Thornycraft? Or Upton? Or me? No. We might be Pirates, but our hygiene was impeccable. Besides, my crew wasn’t even on the ship of the moment. They were standing watch over the isle and keeping an eye out for the Hags.
At least forty Tiki torches were blazing and an inviting array of stolen chaise lounges had been placed next to a perfectly set pilfered table for two. The letter of love was in my pocket and I’d warmed up my voice before I’d retrieved my lady. Upton did suffer a slight ear bleed due to my singing but healed up quite nicely. My breeches were loose fitting for easy removal to reveal my pecker and dinner was on the fire.
I’d also come up with something on my own. This was risky, but I felt that a personal touch would be prudent to my wooing. It was something unheard of for me, but desperate times called untried measures.
“Sweet shark in a leisure suit,” I gasped out and swallowed the bile rising in my throat. What in the hell had Upton chosen to cook for dinner? It smelled like a pot of arse.
“Did something die?” Tallulah inquired, pinching her nose shut with her slim fingers.
“No. But someone is about to,” I muttered, rushing over to the kettle of boiling butts.
Peeking inside, I almost heaved. It was full of fish, seaweed, beans, onions, eggs and pickles. Upton had clearly lied about his cooking prowess. I’d kick his arse later. This was a catastrophe. Picking up the searing hot pot with my bare hands, I heaved the shite-smelling concoction over the railing and then tried to play it off.
“Apparently, the caterer was drunk,” I said and then wondered how she would feel about a few cans of tuna and some day old bread.
“That’s fine, I’m not really hungry,” Tallulah said, glancing around the deck. “Aren’t you concerned about setting your ship ablaze?”
She had a fine point, but Thornycraft’s mum had said candles were important. Of course, I’d upped the ante by choosing enormous torches, but my motto was always go big or go home. Although an inferno would really put a crimp in my plans…
“Not at all,” I lied, praying to Poseidon that we didn’t end up crispy. “I enjoy a little danger. Don’t you?”
“Umm… sure,” she said with a laugh. “I’m here aren’t I?”
“That you are,” I bellowed and led her to the arrangement of shoplifted furniture.
Seating her with a flourish, I realized I was terrified. Never before had a hooker made me feel so unsure about my man skills. Well, that wasn’t exactly true…
Only one other time had I felt so at a loss. It was a hundred years ago and it was caused by the very same woman sitting before me now. But instead of trying to figure out the unfamiliar feelings at the time, I’d absconded with all of her booty and tried to put her out of my mind. Clearly, I’d failed and now I was afraid I was failing again.
Attempting to serve her a pot of stinky arse for dinner wasn’t a good start.
“So tell me about yourself,” I said looking down at my hand. I’d had the forethought to write a few conversation starters on my palm. “Do you recycle?”
“What?” Tallulah asked, squinting at me strangely.
“Sorry, wrong question,” I replied hastily. Thornycraft was an arsehole. His suggestion that I use a textbook to procure my questions from was going to bite me in my nards. “What I meant was, how do you feel about new math?”
The Mermaid simply stared at me with her mouth slightly open.
“Whoops,” I shouted, hoping my sheer volume might distract from the appalling questions I’d chosen. “Shall I reveal my Johnson now, sing, or read you the letter of love?”
Narrowing her gorgeous lavender eyes, Tallulah bit back what I was certain was laughter. This was not supposed to be a fucking comedy routine. I was beginning to sweat and was mentally planning to make my crew walk the plank very shortly. Their advice was bullshit.
“Doug?” Tallulah questioned. “What’s going on here?”
Sighing dramatically and dropping into the seat next to her, I let my head fall to my hands. “I’m trying to woo you,” I muttered. “Is it working?”
“Actually, it kind of is,” she said with a giggle.
Peeking over at her through splayed fingers,
I grinned. “I’m not used to this.”
“Clearly,” she said with a giggle. “Why are you doing it?”
“You called me Doug,” I replied truthfully, wondering if I should check my palm for another question.
“That’s your name.”
“Yes, well… no one calls me Doug. I don’t allow it, but when you did it, I liked it. At first, I thought the feeling was due to the legumes I’d eaten earlier, but it wasn’t. You’re the one meant for me,” I said, laying it all out on the table.
“Hmm,” she replied non-committedly. “Interesting. So what is this letter of love?”
Her scent was full of lust and I became hopeful. Maybe I hadn’t ruined everything… yet. Pulling the parchment paper from my pocket, I stood tall and proud. Bonar’s penmanship was iffy, but I could make out most of it.
“Hooker of my dreams—my future mate,” I started. “Your knockers are like a marathon of Chuck Norris movies and your breath doesn’t stink. The thought of your melons suffocating me is more appealing than getting snockered at Willie’s Whiskey Bar in the Grand Caymans where there are seventy-two warrants out for my arrest. I dream of riding you like a horse in the Kentucky Derby and then de-thorning all the roses in the winners circle floral arrangement and doing you atop them—in public—until neither of us can walk.”
I was wildly unsure if this was working, but the mention of both horse racing and flowers were required elements. This had to be a good thing. Tallulah’s expression was either one of shock, disgust, or awe. It was anyone’s guess, but I chose to go with awe.
Continuing, I raised my volume so she would be more impressed. It would also warm her ears up for my singing. “Daisies, tulips, marigolds and carnations,” I bellowed. That wasn’t on the note, but listing off flowers was important. It was a fine thing I had an excellent memory for details. “Your arse is lovelier than the hot dogs sold at Wrigley Field during a doubleheader and I’d enjoy biting it. Seeing you greased up like a watermelon at a Fourth of July…”
“Umm, you should probably stop right there,” Tallulah insisted loudly with an enormous eye roll that didn’t bode well for my cause. Fucking Bonar.
“It’s not working?”
“No. No it’s not. Did you write that crap?” she asked, standing up to leave.
Tossing the letter of love behind me, I frantically ripped off my pants and revealed my Johnson. “I didn’t write it,” I swore as I did a few vocal warm-ups. “Three blind mice,” I sang as she winced in pain.
“Enough,” she shouted with a squeal of laughter. “You’re out of your mind.”
“Your point?” I asked, completely confused. What did that have to do with anything?
“Was any of this your idea?” she questioned.
I considered lying for a brief moment but decided against it. I sucked at this wooing shit. “No,” I admitted, putting my breeches back on. “I had one idea of my own, but now I’m afraid to try it.”
Tallulah eyed me cautiously and sat back down. “Try it. Let’s see how well you do on your own, Pirate.”
It was a risk, but I didn’t have anything else up my sleeves.
“Do you promise not to behead me, Mermaid?” I inquired, thinking that would be a horrible way to end the evening.
“Yes, but the rest of your appendages are fair game,” she informed me with a crooked smile that made me want to fall at her feet and worship her for the rest of time.
“It’s in my quarters,” I told her sheepishly. “Not that I don’t dream of having you in my cabin, but my surprise is truly in there.”
“Are you trying to seduce me, Pirate?”
“Most definitely, Mermaid. However, I do have a gift of sorts for you.”
She paused for only a moment and then stood. “Lead me to your quarters, Doug. I want my surprise.”
Sweeter words had never been spoken.
11
Tallulah
He was a lying sack of crap, but I’d known this from day one. It clearly hadn’t stopped me from falling under his ridiculous spell a hundred years ago and it wasn’t going to stop me now. I wanted him as much as he wanted me and his attempts at wooing me—however appalling—were kind of cute. After a long conversation with Janet, I had a new understanding of the idiot I was drawn to.
He’d been turned into a Vampire as a child and Janet had been forced by the gods to leave him to fend for himself. As he was to ascend to his father’s throne someday, this was the way it was done. While Poseidon had been allowed to monitor Doug’s growth, his mother was forbidden to intervene. It was all sexist bullshit, and if I actually mated with the sexy dolt, I was going to have a few choice words with the gods as to how I was going to raise my children. They could kiss my Mermaid ass before I let them take away my baby. My sisters meant the world to me. I couldn’t even imagine what I would feel for my very own child.
Janet had caught Apollo in a very compromising position about fifty years ago and was finally able to watch over her son due to a fabulous blackmail scheme. However, she wasn’t supposed to tell him who she was and that was where I was supposed to come in when the time was right. Whether Pirate Doug could convince me that I was truly his mate or not, I would still tell him about his mother. Family was important. I’d be lost without my sisters.
“It’s surprisingly clean in here,” I commented as we made our way down a narrow hallway towards his room.
“I think Jolly cleans when we’re not looking,” Doug explained. “Speaking of Qually… has she attacked anyone yet? She’s a rather violent flying fucker.”
“Umm, no not exactly attacked,” I said, wondering if the time was right. Nope. I wanted to get laid and telling a man his long lost mother was a foulmouthed parrot wasn’t conducive to foreplay.
“If you like her, you can have her,” he offered. “I’ve tried to lose the damned shitter for fifty years. She just keeps coming back.”
“I think you might like her if you’d give her a chance,” I said, trying to help old Janet out.
Pirate Doug’s laugh shot all through me. It was delightful to see him happy.
“I hate her feathered arse, but I’d probably miss the turd-dropping She-Devil if she was gone,” he admitted and stopped in front of a closed door with pictures of Chuck Norris taped all over it.
Deciding not to comment that the door to his quarters should belong to a fourth grade human boy, I waited. I had to admit I was slightly terrified of what was behind the door if the love letter and the song were anything to go by.
“You ready?” he asked with a panty-melting grin that made my lady bits perk up.
“Nope, but that’s never stopped me before,” I replied.
He held open the door and grinned like a fool. It was all I could do not to tackle him and kiss him silly. I really needed my head examined. Slowly, I entered his room. With his maturity level as high as it was, I couldn’t be sure it wasn’t booby-trapped. It wasn’t. Not even a little bit.
My breath caught in my throat and I turned to gape at him.
“Is that what I think it is?” I whispered.
“It is,” he said, scrunching his nose in embarrassment. “I never spent it and I never knew why until now. It’s been underneath my bed for a hundred years.”
The chest was exactly as I remembered it—dark polished wood with colorful seashells embedded in it. It was exquisite. My sisters and I had carved our names in the treasure chest as little Mermaids and our Mother had as well.
“Is there anything in it?” I asked as I approached treasure chest.
“Every last gold coin,” he promised. “I’d like to return it to you—not that it makes it okay that I pilfered it in the first place, but…”
He was a Pirate—a sticky fingered, thieving swashbuckler. It was against Pirate code to repay a debt. Everyone knew this. It was definitely crappy that he stole it, but it was life-changing for him to return it. And to think he’d kept it safe under his bed for a century.
The Pirate was al
l kinds of awful, but I wanted him more than I wanted to swim in the ocean. Oh, I knew I’d want to dismember him on a regular basis, but life without the nardhole seemed hopelessly empty. Not that I was about to come clean about my feelings just yet.
“Okay. You can woo me,” I blurted out without thinking.
“I can?” he asked with huge eyes and a wide grin.
“Yes,” I said with an eye roll. “However, it’s going to take a very long time for you to succeed.”
“Interesting,” he said, kicking his cabin door shut and approaching me like I was prey. “Is nookie off limits during the wooing period?”
“What if I said it was?” I demanded, crossing my arms over my chest and making sure that I was pushing my girls up high.
Doug’s knees buckled and it was all I could do not to jump him. Watching as he tried to form words while his eyes were glued to my chest was delightful.
“Well, umm… if those are the rules, I guess I could masturbate frequently,” he stuttered.
“You would do that for me?” I purred, sitting down on his enormous bed and crossing my legs so my sarong proved that I’d forgotten my panties—on purpose.
“Would you watch?” he choked out.
“Doug?”
“Tallulah?” he replied now bent over at the waist and clearly in pain.
“Nookie is not off the table.”
“Are you serious?” he wheezed, looking ridiculously hopeful.
“No, I’m Tallulah,” I said with a laugh. “Take off your clothes, Pirate. I want to see if you’re still worth it.”
It the blink of an eye my Pirate was completely naked. I lost the power of speech for a moment as I gaped at his sheer muscular beauty. Over six feet of beautifully muscled, gorgeous man. And his bits were not bitty at all.
“I’ve dreamt of you for a hundred years,” Doug said softly as he crossed the room.
Gone was the bumbling idiot and in his place was the greatest lover of the Seven Seas—and he was all mine.
Tallulah's Temptation: Sea Shenanigans Book One Page 6