“What are you going to do, Doug?” Bony Velma asked.
“Pirate Doug,” I reminded her with an eye roll.
“My bad. Pirate Doug, what are you going to do?”
“Are you sure about the Kraken’s hearing?” I asked.
“Quite sure.”
I paused for effect while everyone waited for my answer. I just loved being the center of attention. “I’m going to sing,” I replied as the eyes of my men grew wide with terror and Tallulah grinned from ear to ear.
“SHITE,” Bonar screeched. “That’ll blow the bastard to Kingdom Come.”
“Exactly,” I replied with a wide grin and a gallant bow. “On three! Wait… what should I sing? Any requests?”
“Fifteen Men on a Dead Man’s Chest?” Bonar suggested.
“Under the Sea or Part of Your World?” Ariel chimed in.
“Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Booze?” Thornycraft added.
“Rum,” I corrected him.
“Right. Rum. My bad.”
“No worries,” I told him. “Any others?”
“I’m partial to the Spice Girls,” Wally said.
“I think a better choice would be Yellow Submarine,” an unwelcome and familiar voice bellowed.
A magical wind laced with absurd power picked up and a flock seagulls shrieked and danced on the breeze. The infamous Clam Band dropped to the beach and began strumming Hail to the Chief. It was entirely too extra for me.
“Pappy,” I said with an eye roll. “I have this covered. I don’t need your help. Not to mention you’re wasted.”
“Your point?” Poseidon inquired, stumbling around the beach like a green-haired arse, as usual.
Before I could get out a witty and disrespectful response, Wally decked his ass but not before she’d kicked him soundly in the nuts. The God of the Sea was down for the count.
“Umm, Wally,” I said, narrowing my eyes at my mother. “Was that really necessary?”
“You said you didn’t need his disgusting, cheating, forever fornicating, drunk loser ass,” she replied with a shrug and a smile.
“You did say that,” Tallulah reminded me.
“Okay, fine,” I conceded. “I said it—not exactly like Wally said it—but I’m not sure I really meant it. Even three sheets to the wind the obnoxious freak is pretty powerful. He might have been helpful.”
“You don’t need him, Doug,” Tallulah said, looking at me with pride and adoration. “Your singing voice is so tremendously shitty and horrifying, you could probably take the Kraken on your own. But as Michael Jackson says… You are not alone. I will always stand with you. I love you.”
“He said all that?” I asked, surprised.
“Umm… yes,” Tallulah replied shaking her head and clearly trying not to laugh.
It delighted me that I made my wench so happy with my intellect.
“The swimming hooker is correct,” Bony Velma said. “I will stand with you, the hookers and your masculine-ly named mother as well. Always. In fact, I’ll host Sunday dinners in the cave from now on.”
“Can you cook?” I inquired.
“No. Not at all,” Bony Velma replied.
“Excellent. I shall have Upton teach you. I believe he cooks to your taste,” I told her, recalling the pot of smelly arse he’d concocted for my wooing date with Tallulah.
“I stand with your sticky-fingered ass,” Misty said, stepping forward. “However, if you ever hurt my sister, you will be singing soprano.”
“I too stand with you, you pilfering, idiotic douchenozzle,” Ariel said. “And I’ll do Misty one better. If you hurt Tallulah, I’ll rip off your sausage and feed it to the sharks.”
“I agree with my sisters,” Madison added. “But I’ll castrate you and magically sew your Johnson to your forehead. It will be permanent and painful.”
“Your sisters are harsh,” I said to the Mermaid I loved.
“Yes, well, they love me,” Tallulah said with a giggle. “And their plan is child’s play compared to what I will do to you.”
“Sounds good to me,” I announced as I looked at Tallulah’s family. “I can promise you on Poseidon’s plastered posterior that I will treat your sister right. I love her violent and shapely backside—not to mention her excellent knockers—and I plan to make an honest wench out of her.”
“Define honest,” Misty said with a smirk.
“Incoming,” Wally bellowed as the Kraken picked up speed. “It’s now or never! Sing, boy. SING!”
And I did. It was outstanding or horrifying, depending on how one looked at it. I chose outstanding.
I suffered two rather bloody burst eardrums, but I was Pirate Doug, the most deadly and clearly tone deaf Vampire Pirate on the Seven Seas. I would heal.
However, The Kraken in its furious agony almost swallowed Bonar whole as my man went at him with his cutlass. Thankfully Bony Velma came to his rescue.
The Kraken did swallow my sister before it was done but promptly spat her out. Her stench came in handy. Who knew a Kraken had such a delicate palate?
As I warbled a medley of Mary Had a Little Lamb, I’m a Little Tea Pot and Oops!... I Did it Again by Brittany Spears, the beast began to tremble and quake. My army continued to fight and even the Clam Band jumped into the fray.
As I hit the highest note I could without castrating myself to reach a higher one, the Kraken exploded into millions of goopy albino pieces. The sound would have been deafening if I could have heard it, but luckily my singing had temporarily impaired my hearing skills.
All of my looted deck furniture flew through the air and landed on the beach. It was slightly charred from the Tiki torch debacle, but still quite useable. Everyone covered their heads as the contents of the Kraken’s stomach rained down on the beach—everyone except me.
The bastard had eaten something very important to me—something that might guarantee the longevity of my Johnson.
Swatting away fish carcasses, several anchors, a flat screen television and a mid-sized automobile, I waited for my prize. There was a slight chance it was at the bottom of the ocean, which would suck arse, but I was a strong swimmer.
Or at least Thornycraft was. I’d send him down to retrieve it if the beast hadn’t swallowed it.
“Doug,” Tallulah yelled. “Watch out!”
I had no clue what she was talking about until it hit me square in the head. This, of course, hurt like a motherfucker, but I played it off so I wouldn’t look like a weenie. It served me right to be concussed by the object. Getting nailed was karma because I’d stolen it in the first place.
“No worries,” I grunted, hoping between the damage to my eardrums and head I hadn’t lost brain cells. “It’s safe.”
“What’s safe?” Tallulah asked as she sprinted over, tore off her sarong and tried to stem the blood flow from my head.
With an eye roll, I snapped my fingers and clothed my Mermaid. Her bits were not for ogling. Well, I could ogle them, but no one else could.
“I’m fine,” I told her with a grin as I held out what was rightfully hers. “The fucker ate your treasure, but I got it back.”
“You’re my hero,” she said with a giggle, wrapping her arms around me. “You’re an idiot and I love you.”
“I love you too,” I said as I picked her up and swung her around. “How do you feel about living on a Pirate ship?”
“Umm, let’s discuss that later. Okay?”
“Sure,” I replied, making sure my arsehole crew was accounted for.
“This calls for a party,” Bony Velma announced, wiping the Kraken guts from her face. “How about nine o’clock in the cave?”
“How about here?” Tallulah quickly volunteered. “We have more room and it smells a little nicer.”
“Fine by me,” Bony Velma agreed. “What should we bring? Appetizers? Dessert?”
“Nothing,” Misty yelled and tried to hide her shudder. “Please don’t bring anything. Ever.”
“Alrighty,” my sister said as sh
e and her Hags took to the air. “We’ll be back at nine.”
“What should we do about him?” Tallulah asked, pointing at my passed out Pappy.
“Not to worry,” Wally said with an evil little smirk. “I’ll take care of Poseidon.”
This did not bode well for Pappy, but he had it coming. I strode over to my mother and put my arms around her. “You are a heinous woman and I’m honored to be your spawn.”
Wally’s eyes filled with tears and she hugged me back, but not before she swatted the back of my head.
“You are my pride and joy. Most of the time you’re an enormous embarrassment and I want to beat your arse, but I love you, Doug.”
“Pirate Doug,” I reminded her and successfully ducked her powerful left hook.
“Captain, do ye want us to clean up the guts and slime for the party?” Bonar inquired.
“Aye, mate. That would be fantastic.”
“Shall we take a nap?” Tallulah inquired with a sexy little grin.
“If that’s code for boink, I’m all in,” I announced to the laughter of everyone on the beach.
Tallulah shook her head and sighed. “He’s an ass, but he’s my ass.”
I’d not have it any other way.
Epilogue
Tallulah
After many hours of rum shots and karaoke, we came to an agreement with the Sea Hags. Thankfully, Doug had opted out of the singing.
The war was over and we would now run a multi-island Bermuda Triangle tourist trap. After the human guests got incredibly soused on Doug’s excellent rum, we would do a nighttime terror tour on one of Doug’s many questionably acquired Pirate ships to the Sea Hag Cave.
The Hags planned to dance and act out scenes from the Price is Right. Bony Velma would play Bob Barker. Bonar had volunteered to man the ship for the excursions. Upton was keen on catering for the humans and Thornycraft wanted to juggle. This surprised everyone, but Thornycraft was full of surprises. His karaoke rendition of Air Supply’s greatest hits was strangely moving.
Wally had magically whipped up a gross of clothespins for those humans brave enough, or drunk enough, to partake in the stinky adventure. It was a good compromise and everyone was happy.
Having our gold coins back meant we could make the necessary improvements to the lodge and be back in business as soon as the stench of Hag was gone. Not to mention we could pay the Otherworld Defense Agency for a job well done—very well done. Things were finally looking up.
Of course, Doug had thrown a hissy fit when Wally and I informed him his pilfering days were over for the most part. If the idiot hadn’t given me fourteen orgasms during our nap, I would have kicked his ass for being such a jackhole.
“Never again?” Doug whined.
Sighing dramatically, Wally shook her head. “You can still loot every other Tuesday, but only from criminals and corrupt politicians. That leaves you millions of people to steal from.”
“Gnomes?” Doug asked.
“No,” Wally and I yelled in unison.
After listening to Doug bitch for another hour, Wally morphed back into a parrot and crapped on his head. It took Wally threatening Doug that she would eat a vat of beans and then attach herself to his face that had my man finally agreeing to his new job. Wally’s mothering skills were definitely disgusting, but she got the job done.
“So Pappy left?” Bony Velma inquired, looking a little better than she had earlier.
She stilled smell horrible, but I was fairly sure she’d brushed her hair and slapped on some lipstick.
“Aye,” Doug said. “Left with an icepack on his nards. Said he’ll be coming back to woo Wally once his pecker heals.”
“That’s going to be painfully interesting,” Bony Velma said with a grunt of laughter.
“Aye, that it is,” Doug said, grinning.
We’d informed the Otherworld Defense Agency of the success of the mission. Renee had been quite pleased. Apparently Doug’s part of the deal was satisfied as well. Renee had used favors due her from the dreadful Gnomes to get them off of my mate’s arse. A win-win for all involved.
My sisters were happy for me. They’d warmed up to Doug enough that I was certain they wouldn’t castrate him in his sleep. I could also see they were now dreaming of their own dysfunctional happily ever afters. I expected they would be going off on their own adventures soon, but I knew they would always come back home. Maybe they’d even take a mission with the Otherworld Defense Agency…
“Doug,” I whispered as I watched his crew of idiots hit on the very receptive hookers who were thankfully going back to their own islands later this evening. “What exactly are Bonar, Thornycraft and Upton?”
“They’re arseholes,” Doug said.
“No,” I said with a giggle. “What kind of immortal creatures are they?”
Doug scratched his head for a moment and pursed his lips. “I have no idea,” he admitted with a chuckle. “But they’re definitely arseholes—the finest arseholes a Vampire Pirate could ask for.”
I was tempted to ask the arseholes what they were, but decided that could wait for another day—or year—or century. I had a feeling the answer would be alarming. I’d had enough of alarming for today.
“So are you ready to mate?” Doug asked in a tone that made my girlie parts tingle.
“What do we have to do?” I asked.
“We just promise to love each other until the end of time,” he whispered in my ear sending happy chills down my spine.
“That’s all?” I asked, snuggling closer.
“That’s all.”
“No sex?” I asked, disappointed.
His laugh went all through me. If his mother and my sisters hadn’t been present, I would have jumped his insanely sexy bones.
“There’s definitely sex, Mermaid.”
“Lots of sex?” I inquired running my hands all over his broad chest and beautifully muscled arms.
“Tons.”
“I promise to love you until the end of time, Pirate,” I said quickly, wanting to get to the sex part.
Picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder, Doug replied. “I promise to love you until the end of time too, Mermaid.”
My squeal of laughter and the speed in which Doug made our hasty exit caused laughter and applause from our friends and family.
Life was so very good.
I had my sticky fingered Pirate and my happily ever after.
I also acquired a violent mother-in-law with a pooping problem, a funky smelling sister-in-law, and a father-in-law who was going to have bruised nards for the foreseeable future.
But most importantly, I had love.
Pirate Doug, with all of his faults, was perfect for me. And I was perfect for him. It wouldn’t be easy, but easy’s for weenies. We’d keep each other on our toes and we’d love each other until the end of time.
And the sex was awesome.
Life was indeed very good.
— The End… for now —
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Excerpt: Ariel’s Antics
Sea Shenanigans, Book 2
Click Here For More Info!
1
Ariel
“Gather the swimming hookers,” Pirate Doug bellowed, stomping through the lobby of the resort in his absurdly dated puffy shirt, knee high boots and breeches. “We’ve got a problem.”
I rolled my eyes and tried not to laugh—or groan. He was a Pirate and he was five hundred years old… but come on, did he really have
to dress like a Captain Hook wannabe?
“They are not hookers,” my sister Tallulah hissed at her questionably intelligent but very hot—despite the bad fashion choices—mate. “We’re Mermaids and if you can’t remember that I’ll twist your Johnson into a pretzel.”
“Aye, my bad,” Pirate Doug amended with a wide grin as he snapped his fingers and conjured up a steel pecker protector. “Gather the Mermaid hookers.”
I giggled as I watched my sister’s eyes narrow dangerously at her idiotic other half. He was every kind of ridiculous, but he loved Tallulah to distraction and she loved him right back. Training the dumbass to have social skills was taking up an inordinate amount of my sister’s time. Which left running our Bermuda Triangle island tourist business to me and my two other sisters—Misty and Madison.
I was getting bored. And if I was being honest… I was jealous. Not that I didn’t want Tallulah to be happy. I did. I adored my sister. I just wanted to have my own adventures and find my true love too. And I certainly wasn’t going to discover him stuck on Mystical Isle running a tourist trap for humans…
With an exasperated huff at her mate, Tallulah left the lobby and went back to work. However, Pirate Doug being the randy idiot that he was, copped a quick feel of her bottom as she exited. My sister’s squeal of delight made me close my eyes and shake my head. I really didn’t know what she saw in the dummy, but he clearly made her happy.
Me? He drove me nuts.
“Ariel, my lovely blue haired sister-in-law,” Pirate Doug said as he swept grandly up to the front desk that I was manning. “Have you seen my arses?”
“Okay, first of all… gross. As far as I know you only have one ass and if you have more than one I really don’t want to hear about it,” I said with a slight gag.
Tallulah's Temptation: Sea Shenanigans Book One Page 9