Only Strange People Go to Church

by Laura Marney

  At other times she hated him. Sometimes she said terrible things. She told him Paul wasn’t his; that she and Tommy had carried on that time he went on management training to London. The dates fitted. He cried and cried and she tried to take it back. She tried to tell him she’d only said it to hurt him, because she was angry with him, because she was a horrible evil bitch. But still he would bring it up again and again and cry for hours on end. The dates fitted.

  Every time she saw him parked in front of the telly, shuffling to the toilet, mumbling about his glory days at the factory or with tears of self-pity dripping off his chin, she felt she was being buried alive. She wasn’t ready for this living death, she would never be ready. That’s why she started the Golden Belles.

  She came back one day from a show in an OAP home somewhere on the other side of Glasgow. By the time they paid for a minibus there and back it had actually cost them but it was a terrific show. They staff in the home were lively and fun and they encouraged the residents to call for an encore.

  When she came in to the house she saw immediately that George’s spirit had departed. It had left only the rubbery rind that was his useless old body sitting on the chair. For old times sake she kissed it on the head and cried a little. Then she had to change out of her spangly show tights before she called the doctor.

  Chapter 36

  These days, every day’s a holiday. Ray can’t help it, he feels good. Feeling this good makes him feel bad, or at least guilty, but he tries not to. He keeps himself busy. He has his work, his sideboards to be getting on with, all the young ones coming in every day, all the performers rehearsing for the show, endless jokes and fag breaks and cups of tea. He looks forward to his day. He arrives at the church in the morning with a spring in his step, lead in his pencil, wick in his candle, sap in his stem. This makes him feel scared. Experience has taught him that this kind of feeling good will end in tragedy. He’s gone back to showering every morning and trying on different shirts in front of the mirror. He’s planning a haircut. He even contemplated new aftershave, he can’t use the old stuff, it must have gone off by now, it’s lain at the back of the bathroom cabinet too long.

  Because of the show she comes to the church nearly every day. He watches her while he pretends to keep his head down and get on with his work. He fancies her, plain and simple. He has no idea why. He knows he shouldn’t, there’s the age discrepancy for a start, plus she’s no beauty and she’s bossy and snappy but maybe that’s what it is: that vitality.

  Ray has long since given up asking God for any favours, he knows how pointless and humiliating that is. He’s not doing anything wrong, he tries to remind himself, it’s not wrong to fancy a woman. Nothing to stop you looking, so long as you don’t touch. He only has to resist temptation until the show’s over.

  One Month Later

  Chapter 37

  Down by the shimmering river, at the edge of the forest, Maria looks into the quiet river pool and sees her reflection, fresh and beautiful. These days every meditation is filled with this spiritual ecstasy.

  She has already had her consultation with Arlene and Nelson and outlined with them how wonderful her busy day is going to be.

  ‘I can’t wait to get to work,’ she’d told them, partly hinting that they should get a move on. These days Nelson’s ponderous wisdom is beginning to get on her nerves.

  ‘Fulfilling work is not only our goal but also our reward,’ he’d preached.

  Arlene had backed him up. Who would have thought that these two would make such a good team?

  ‘Yeah,’ said Arlene, ‘so don’t get complacent. She’s fly, that Alice one.’

  ‘Aye,’ Nelson had qualified this, ‘she thinks she’s fly.’

  ‘He’s right. You heard what she was like when you asked about work experience. She doesn’t want Blue Group in her kitchen; she’ll try everything to put you off.’

  ‘Do not be distracted from your purpose. Focus.’

  They wouldn’t let her away until she promised to focus.

  Now she can take a few moments to savour the bliss before returning to the external world. She used to often linger here, milking her reverie for every bead of joy she could squeeze from it but these days the external world is every bit as blissful.

  Everything is going well. The Diva Extravaganza has hurtled into life. This is the final week of rehearsals. Tomorrow is Saturday, the last big rehearsal before the dress. The biggest surprise of all has been Blue Group.

  This is all credit to Brian’s irrepressible mischievous nature and his scriptwriting talents. Due to his re-write of the script, which now features his sly automated comments throughout, Martin the havea-go-hero shopkeeper and Jane the gun-wielding robber have moved from lacklustre melodrama into the realms of surreal comedy.

  To begin with, Martin was not best pleased with what he considered to be barefaced upstaging by Brian, but he’s forgotten his churlishness and adapted. Now that they’re getting a good reaction from other performers, Martin works hard to create maximum comedic effect.

  Weeks ago, bored and embarrassed by the piss-poor script and shambling performances, Brian had re-interpreted the play and completely turned it around. He’d had a cold and was unable to go to swimming lessons with the rest of them. Dezzie had volunteered to stay with him and by the time Blue Group came back Brian had re-worked the script. Dezzie insisted it was all Brian’s work, he had merely taken dictation.

  It’s basically the same story: woman tries to rob shop and is disarmed by shopkeeper while disabled assistant looks on. Shopkeeper and thief fall in love. Assistant looks on. They live happily ever after.

  But now all the characters are named after Brian’s chess heroes Kramnik ( Jane), Kasparov (Martin) and Fischer (Brian). Now there’s a Pulp Fiction homage in Kramnik’s monologue and a Matrix reference in the fight scene. Now there’s comedy, rather than awkwardness and embarrassment, in the pauses between the words Fischer says with his computerised voice. Brian parodies his voice machine’s complete lack of intonation and spontaneity. The laughs are all in the silences which they milk for all they can.

  Fischer How. Long. Is. It.

  PAUSE WHILE KASPAROV WAITS FOR QUESTION TO BE COMPLETED.

  KASPAROV How long is what?

  HE REACTS – SHOCKED AT SUCH A PERSONAL QUESTION. HE CHECKS HIS FLY AND COVERS HIMSELF PROTECTIVELY AS THOUGH FEARFUL THAT FISCHER CAN SEE THE DIMENSIONS OF HIS MANHOOD.

  FISCHER Since. The. Shop. Was. Last. Robbed.

  KASPAROV (RELEIVED) Oh! Since the shop was last robbed? (LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) Two years, three months, four days, six hours and twenty minutes ago. Approximately.

  FISCHER She. Got. To. You. Huh.

  KASPAROV Yes, I don’t think I’ll ever forget that thieving She-devil Kramnik. ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS AS KASPAROV GETS A FAR AWAY LOOK IN HIS EYES That wonderful hunny bunny crazy no good thieving beautiful lady. But if I ever see her again I’ll be ready for her.

  FISCHER Is.It. Hard.

  LONG PAUSE.

  KASPAROV Is what hard?

  KASPAROV TURNS AWAY FROM THE AUDIENCE AS HE COVERS HIMSELF AGAIN

  FISCHER To. Forget. Her.

  KASPAROV Oh! (RELIEVED) Yes, yes it is hard. To forget her, I mean! But it’s impossible. They put her in jail and threw away the key. I’ll never see my hunny bunny ever again. (HE IS BEREFT)

  KRAMNIK ENTERS SHOP UNNOTICED BY KASPAROV AND FISCHER. SHE STANDS ON TOP OF THE COUNTER, PULLS OUT A GUN AND SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY

  KRAMNIK Any of you move and I’ll execute every motherflippin last one of ya!

  FISCHER Look. Out. She’s. Got. A.

  EXTREMELY LONG SILENCE WHILE KRAMNIK AND KASPAROV REMAIN IN FREEZE FRAME

  FISCHER Gun.

  KASPAROV REACTS. IN SLOW MOTION HE RUNS TOWARDS KRAMNIK.

  KASPAROV Noooooo!

  THEY FIGHT SLOW MOTION KUNG FU AS THOUGH THEY ARE IN THE MATRIX

  KASPAROV ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE KASPAROV (STARING AT HIS HANDS, BAFFLED) I know Kung Fu!


  EVENTUALLY KASPAROV WRESTLES THE GUN FROM KRAMNIK AND HAS HER IN A ROMANTIC CLINCH.

  FISCHER Are. You. Going. To. Take. Her.

  LONG PAUSE. BOTH KASPAROV AND KRAMNIK LOOK AT FISCHER

  FISCHER To. The. Police.

  KASPAROV No. I’m going to do what I should have done two years, three months, four days, six hours and (HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) twenty four minutes ago. I’m going to make her my wife!

  KASPAROV LEANS FORWARD AND PULLS KRAMNIK INTO A PASSIONATE EMBRACE WHILE THE ROMANTIC MUSIC REACHES CLIMAX

  FISCHER And. So. They. Lived.

  LONG PAUSE.

  MUSIC FIZZLES OUT. KASPAROV AND KRAMNIK ARE FORCED TO STOP CANOODLING AND LET FISCHER HAVE THE LAST WORD

  FISCHER In. Hexton. Kasparov. Worked. Hard. Business. Was. Good. And. Before. Long. Kramnik. Had. Two. Little.

  LONG PAUSE

  KRAMNIK NURSES HER TUMMY

  FISCHER Kalashnikoffs.

  SHE PULLS OUT TWO RIFLES AND WAVES THEM MURDEROUSLY WHILE KASPAROV SMILES PROUDLY

  FISCHER And. They. Were. Never. Robbed. Again. The.

  SHORT PAUSE

  FISCHER End.

  So long as the audience understand that it’s intended as comedy, it’s going to be the smash hit of the show. And a welcome relief from all these singers. Except for Fiona, of course.

  Her voice is a rare gift, a one-in-a-million talent. The thing that Hextors rate most highly, the ability to sing well, is the thing that a mentally disabled woman can do better than any of them. Hopefully, they’re going to love her for it.

  Chapter 38

  The time has flown in; every minute of the last month has been filled with drama and excitement. A month in a wonderful blur of auditions, talent, costumes, songs, sets, backstage nerves, strops, magicians and rabbits. The church is busy every day with groups rehearsing and the Golden Belles have set up a café.

  In Hexton this in itself is a community triumph. Fair enough, Ray has provided the space and the ladies of Autumn House are serving the teas but Maria feels justified in taking at least some of the credit. That’s why it’s only fair that Blue Group get a piece of the action.

  When she spoke to Alice and Margaret yesterday about it they were less than enthusiastic, trotting out the usual excuses about the dangers of work in a kitchen. Luckily Ray was there to intercede on their behalf.

  ‘You know how it is girls, come one, come all,’ he said simply.

  When they tried to argue he shrugged and said,

  ‘No work experience, no café. No café, no snooker.’

  Weirdly, this seemed to do the trick and suddenly Alice was fixing times and dates for Blue Group to come in and wait tables. She’s only allowing two-hour shifts once a week but this is a tremendous breakthrough, something no other Key Worker has ever managed, and one which Maria can’t wait to wave under Mike’s nose.

  But even if the show wasn’t going so well as it is, nothing can get her down. Maria is in love. Every day with Dezzie gets better and better. She’s staggered in a lovestruck swoon from midweek to weekend date, each one more successful and more romantic than the last. The last date, two nights ago, was the best so far. Not because the film was so good, because it wasn’t, and not because he bought her popcorn and then held her hand all the way through the film preventing her from eating it. What was so good was that as they were leaving the cinema Dezzie bumped into a friend of his and introduced Maria.

  ‘This is Maria, my girlfriend,’ he said.

  And the sex. It’s just sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Maria never gets tired of it, or sore the way she used to with Dirk. Dezzie’s gentle. Constantly he asks her: what d’you want? Is this okay? But she’s no slouch either in the bedroom department.

  Every time they do it she goes down there, sucking him with the instinct and hunger of a newborn. Dezzie never asks but she knows he likes it. She wants to do it. She needs to. She has to bury her head in his smell, in his softest most vulnerable places. He’s new bread, a succulent roast, spiced rum. She has to consume him, to have her senses overwhelmed by him.

  Going down has become her new religion; like her meditations, an important touchstone in her life. She knows that so long as she does it everything will be all right. Down there she practices her devotions. When they’re married she’ll do this every morning. She’ll wake his brain and his cock with as much pleasure as she can give him in gratitude and reverence for what it is he gives her.

  But it’s his nature to be generous. The cinema date was the first time she had actually managed to pay for anything and even then it was only her own ticket. He earns the same money as she does, he hasn’t the means to pay for everything but he keeps wanting to. He’s as free with his time as he is with his money. At the centre he is always on hand to help her with Blue Group. He should be floating between the various groups but he does what’s asked of him elsewhere and then comes and helps Maria. He’s always funny and sweet with everyone, Blue Group are as much in love with him as she is.

  Really she doesn’t deserve a boyf as good as Dezzie but she has, it’s official. He said so to his friend outside the cinema, ‘this is Maria,’ he said, ‘My Girlfriend.’

  At the centre they are discreet. They have to be. Sauce for the goose, Mike always says. If they see us doing it, what’s to stop the clients? Staff openly fraternising is a sackable offence, regarded in the same light as if a staff member were to conduct a physical relationship with a client. So at the centre they restrict themselves to smiles and winks.

  Dezzie’s on swimming pool duty with Green Group so she doesn’t see him until nearly lunch and when she does she has to smile. Since he gave his prized T-shirt to Bert he’s worn nothing of note, but today he’s wearing a new red one with a slogan on it that perfectly encapsulates his charming insouciance.

  Ride Bikes

  Drink Beer

  Talk Bollocks

  No one else could get away with this. He’s proudly showing it off around the groups and everyone is admiring it.

  ‘Where did you get it, Dezzie?’ Martin asks.

  ‘D’you like it?’

  ’Yeah, I’m getting one.’

  Dezzie laughs.

  ‘You trying to copy my style, wee man?’

  ‘I can buy stuff like that if I want, you know,’ says Martin briskly. ‘I can get anything I want.’

  Maria rolls her eyes, slightly embarrassed by Martin’s rudeness. Dezzie wasn’t patronising him, he was only joking.

  ‘No, sorry mate. No offence,’ says Dezzie quickly, putting an arm around Martin. ‘I got it in Hexton, in that wee shop beside the pub. I’m just worried that it’ll look better on you than it does on me.’

  ‘Yeah, well,’ says Martin, only slightly mollified, ‘I’m getting my mum to get me one.’

  ‘I’m taking my group to the church after lunch’ says Maria, changing the subject. ‘We’ve got work experience.’

  This she says in an understated throwaway manner but she hopes Dezzie will appreciate the magnitude of this news. He does not disappoint.

  ‘Way to go, Miss Maria!’ he cries.

  As though declaring the winner in a boxing contest he lifts her arm and shakes it and then goes round Blue Group dispensing high fives.

  ‘I could do with a hand getting everyone down there, d’you want to come with us?’

  ‘Do I want to? Just try and stop me!’

  To maximise the time spent together and also for the exercise the client’s will get from the walk, Maria chooses the long route through the park.

  ‘Look!’ says Fiona, excited. ‘Wee squirrels!’

  ‘Where?’ asks Maria.

  Fiona points to a tree and everyone gasps when they see a little squirrel scamper along a branch. Alarmed by its fast movement, Jane runs for cover behind Maria.

  ‘It’s okay, pet,’ Maria laughs, ‘it won’t touch you.’

  But Jane is not convinced and cowers.

  ‘It’s only a wee creature. It can’t do you any harm.
It’s more scared of you than you are of it.’

  But Jane’s fright has spooked Martin and now he looks worried too.

  ‘I don’t like squirrels,’ he says.

  ‘I’m with you, mate,’ says Dezzie. ‘Bloody tree rats, that’s what those things are, hoaching with fleas and God knows what else. In fact, they’re worse than rats. The other week I saw a squirrel kill a rat down at the embankment. Ripped it to pieces. Vicious buggers. In a fight a squirrel will take a rat out every time.’

  ‘Please, Dezzie,’ Maria says softly, ‘Jane’s frightened.’

  ‘Sorry Jane,’ he says.

  But the damage is done. No one wants to look at the squirrels anymore and they hurry past. So vivid is his description of the killer squirrels that everyone is quiet for a while.

  Maria understands why Dezzie said this. He’s angry with himself for offending Martin earlier and now he’s trying to make it up to him, agreeing with him, trying to bond. But he’s trying too hard. This is something she’s beginning to notice about Dezzie. He works so hard to keep everyone happy that sometimes he inadvertently upsets them. It’s a very human weakness and one that makes him all the more loveable, but sooner or later it’s going to get him in trouble.

  Chapter 39

  When they arrive at the church, Ray is painting a rural idyll on a canvas framed by old strips of MDF. By way of a greeting he calls to Blue Group in an Australian accent and dreadful impersonation of Rolf Harris.

  ‘Can you see what it is yet, kids?’

  At his direction some of the unemployed young people who hang around here are moving bits of scenery and/or joinery, it’s hard to tell. The other spaces are no less hectic.