by Kira Blakely
“It was clean and warm, if not safe.” He looked at her. “I brought you here because I wanted to talk about my folks. I told you part of it, but not all of it.”
Her hand clasped his. “Go ahead.”
“Living with people who function despite addiction made me have to learn how to take care of myself real fast and early. I mean, they would be up all night, and then they would pop some magic pill that would get them through the day. Then, they would come home and do something else. They would take a pill to sleep and powder to wake up. They went to work every day, and there was always food in the house, but when people are tweaking – that means when they are high on some kind of amphetamine – they lose track of time.
“They might not eat for a few days. The drugs, you know. They did not feed me either because…well, you know. They were busy getting high. But there was food. I learned how to get it for myself. I learned how to take clothes tumbling in the dryer for the third day in a row out and fold it and put it away. I learned not to believe that anyone was ever going to do anything for me.”
“Jackson, I am so sorry.”
“It’s okay. I was not telling you that so you would be sorry. I have a point here. They were never affectionate, not unless they were sure the Earth was ending, and that happened a lot. You should have been around when the year 2000 hit. Or when they thought a major disaster that was going to kill off the Earth was headed our way.
“I learned that the only way people would love you was if they were afraid they were about to lose you. I was an asshole in every relationship I ever tried to have, because I wanted…well, I didn’t know how to have anything without some kind of crisis looming over us. That kind of drama sucks, and so nothing ever worked out.”
“Jackson, am I…I need to ask you something.”
He heard the trembling in her voice. “I’m not going anywhere.”
She laughed, but there was no humor in it. “Jackson, do you know that I love – really love – what I do and that there might be a day when I actually do not have time to spend with you. If this goes to the clinical trial stage I hope for, then I will be working sixteen hour days and more. I don’t want you to feel like you have to be there, and I do not want to feel like we might lose each other because of what matters so much to me, but it is a real possibility, and this is probably the worst possible time to bring that up given what you just said, but there it is.”
Jackson felt his heart give off a powerful ache. He had always known those things, and he worried that one day she would not have that time for him. He said, “That is the whole reason I brought it up.”
“It is?”
“Yes. I do not want to lose you. I also do not ever want to be a guy who does not support you the whole way. More than anything else, I want to be the guy who is there for you. I want to be the guy who stands by you.”
“But there is more to it than that. You see, writing that program, knowing I was doing something that would impact someone’s life in such a major way made me feel good about myself in a way that nothing else ever has or could. I do not want to lose that feeling.”
She asked, “What are you saying?”
“I am saying that if the board refuses to give you the money, I will donate it from my own pocket. Not a loan, not an investment, but a donation earmarked solely for your research for the year.”
“You’re insane!” Her cry echoed around the car. “It’s a five-million dollar a year thing, Jackson! You’d be basically throwing it away.”
He took her chin in his hand and stared into her eyes. “Do you believe in your research? Do you honestly believe that you can do what you think you can do?”
“Yes.” Her voice was breathless, and tears stood up in her eyes. “I do. All the way down to my heart and soul I believe it, but it is one thing to use money raised for the purpose of research and entirely another to take your money and use it.”
“How so?”
“I cannot guarantee you a return of it. In fact, I can guarantee you will never see it again, and I know exactly how hard you worked for that money.”
“I can promise you that the only return that I need is to know I did something that mattered to someone, somewhere, even if it is just you.”
“No.”
What the hell? He was trying to give her what she really wanted and needed. He was trying to be supportive and let her know he would stand with her. So why was she being so stubborn?
Hope said, “Jackson, if you don’t mind, I’d like to just go home now.”
He put the car in drive without another word.
12
CLARA ASKED, “Are you insane or just…insane?”
Hope dunked fries in ketchup, and said, “Both.”
Clara shook her head. “You broke up with him? For real? After what he did to Dad, I would have thought you would rush him to the altar.”
Hope actually managed to laugh at that. “I know, right? It was pretty spectacular. By the way, I am banned from all future dinners.”
Clara shrugged. “I wouldn’t care if I were you. Also, I am going to have to refuse to go on principle now that you have been banned.”
“Oh, so you are using me to get out of going.’
“You better believe it.” Clara did not even look ashamed when she said that. “For real, Hope, how could you break up with him for offering to do something so amazing?”
“Because I don’t want…I want to do this on my own.” She dusted her hands off and stared down at the remains of a double bacon cheeseburger and the dwindling pile of fries. “I don’t want him to give me the money just because he is with me.”
“You do know he probably offered it so you would know he supports you?”
“Or maybe he offered it so he could feel good about himself.” Hope picked up the burger and took a hearty bite, but the juicy and delicious thing might just as well have been made of sawdust for all the pleasure she got out of eating it.
“Does it matter, really?” Clara rolled her eyes. “Listen, I think you’re being crazy. You got turned down by the board, your research is on hold, and you are in a damn big danger of not even having a place to live without funding. Plus, he is a great guy. Do you know what I would give to have a guy that would not only stand up for me but stand beside me and do whatever he had to make sure I had the career I want and need in my life? Man, I would just about sell my soul for that, and you had it, and what do you do? You break up with the guy!”
Hope flinched. “When you put it that way it does sound irrational.”
Clara sipped at her mineral water. “Because it is.”
Just then, a guy strolled up to their table and said, “Well hello, Clara.”
Clara’s face took on a taut look and a false smile. “Hello.”
Hope looked from one to the other. He grinned broadly. Clara kept smiling that patently false smile.
Clara said, “Can I help you, Stephen?”
He chuckled. “I just saw you sitting here and thought I’d say hello on my way out.” His eyes held Clara’s, and Hope sensed the currents flowing between them. Intrigued now, she watched them stare each other down with real interest.
Clara broke that stare, and said, “Have a good day then.”
He chuckled and walked off. Hope leaned across the table. “What was that all about?”
“That? Nothing.”
Hope leaned back, her eyes narrowing. “Uh huh.”
“He’s a trust fund baby who happened to make his own fortune on top of the fortune his family set aside for him. He’s an arrogant rotten jerk, and I hate him.”
Clara’s words made Hope grin. “I see.”
Clara gave her an exasperated glance. “So, back to you.”
“Oh no, this is way more fun. Have you ever gone out with him?”
Clara asked, “Stephen? Hell no.”
“Why not”
“I just told you why. And we were not talking about me and we are not either. So there.”
&
nbsp; Hope’s laugh was genuine then. “Oh, I see. You can give me advice but I can’t give you advice?’
“There’s a difference. I know the guy you are dating, and I am not dating Stephen, and you do not know him. Nor do you want to. I promise. He takes smug and condescending to whole new levels.”
Hope wanted to keep that conversation going, but since this was whole new ground for her and Clara, she decided to drop it. She said, “You know, I’m sorry we weren’t better friends when we were younger. I mean, we never really got to talk like this or share stuff and all that.”
Clara said, “That is because they pitted us against each other. We were bred to compete, Hope. Being friends would have undermined everything.”
“But you still stuck up for me that night. Hell you have always stuck up for me.”
Clara said, “How could I not? It sucked to be me, and I knew it sucked to be you, too.”
“I didn’t stick up for you.” Hope’s spirits flattened. “I am so selfish, Clara. I never tried to stick up for you, because I figured you got a hell of a lot better treatment than I did, but it was not all that better, was it? They held up everything I did like a carrot in front of a mule, and they always expected you to do better than what I had done before you.”
“The difference is that I thrived on it. I have a lot of Dad in me. Oh, come on. Don’t look at me like that. I don’t do anything for him or so he can brag. I do what I do because I love it. I love my job, and I love the pressure and the craziness and all of it. Just like you love what you do. And the difference between us there is that I would do anything to stay in the game I am in, while you seem intent on shooting yourself in the foot.”
Hope thought about that last statement for a long time after she and Clara parted ways that afternoon. She sat in her apartment, trying to think. The board had come back with a resounding no to her budget and to giving her more money, and she had let Jackson’s texts and calls go unanswered for a whole week.
He had not called or texted for the last two days. That silence of his spoke volumes. He had given up on her, and how could she blame him?
Tears swept down her cheeks.
She had had such a good thing, and she had screwed it all up by never being the one to put effort into that relationship and by saying no to him when he had tried to give her the money she would need for another year’s worth of research.
She had to try to fix this thing.
She had to, and not because of the money. Because she needed him. She needed a man that wanted her and would be with her. Jackson was that guy.
Only she needed to do something besides call him. She grabbed her phone and called Laura to ask a favor.
Laura answered on the first ring with a breezy, “Hey girl, what’s up?”
“Not much. I…” She paused. “Laura, how did you know Ashton had given up being the guy who made a one night stand dating app?”
“Can I ask why you are asking?”
Hope said, “Well, you know, I have been seeing Jackson, and I know he is a great guy, but I made a shitty mistake and now…damn I am so messed up.”
“Do you need me to come over there?’
Hope dried her eyes. “No,” she said tearfully. “What I need is his address.”
Laura said, “I like it. Wear something he can take off easy, too.”
“Laura!”
Laura laughed and gave her the address.
13
JACKSON WAS DESPONDENT and out of sorts. His answer to that was to work. Something Hope had said had stuck with him. She had needed the program he had already created to sift through data, but if she had that road map she had been speaking about – a way to tap into the brain cells of people who were in a coma – how much of it would she be able to create?
He had called up a friend who worked with serious VR and a few other friends and had asked a few pointed questions. He knew zero about medical science, but he did know video games and all the things that went along with him.
He drew up plans even though he had no idea of whether or not it was even possible.
He was working when the doorbell rang. He lifted his head with a frown. His house was in a gated community, but there was a key code at the gate. Only a guard and very few people he knew would have had the code.
It had to be Ashton. He went to the door and opened it, but it was not Ashton standing there.
It was Hope.
She stood there, tears streaming down her face. She was pale and her features had a miserable cast to them. She said, “I’m sorry. For all of it. I was a big jerk because I was afraid. You see, all my life I had to compete against, well, everyone. I was taught to do it alone.
“But that was not all of it. I was scared that if I took the donation then I would have to worry that one day…I don’t want to be my mom.”
The confession cracked the armor that had risen at the sight of her on his doorstep. He reached out and drew her into the house, closing the door behind her gently. “Hey, come on now. You are never going to be like your mom. You’re way too feisty.”
She snorted and wiped her eyes. She said, “I know how stupid this sounds.”
“It doesn’t sound stupid. The thing I fear the most is turning into a junkie. I don’t even take aspirin. Once, I broke my foot, and I was so scared to take a pain pill that Ashton finally gave up and poured whiskey down my throat so I would stop with all the whining and crying.”
She came into his embrace, and he closed his eyes. He put his arms around her and pulled her in tight. She felt so right in his arms that he did not know how to even say all the things he felt and needed to say to her.
Hope sniffled and said, “I just couldn’t figure out what you wanted when you offered that money. I was scared and I was afraid that I would end up like her – dependent and afraid to do what I wanted to do. She has never once even tried to speak up even for herself, and he is outright vicious to her so much of the time. It’s the money, you see. It is. As shitty as that is, it is the money that keeps her there, and I did not want that between us.”
“Hope, your mother didn’t trade money for other people. Is that what you are thinking? That she traded her life for you to have a life of comfort?’
She shrugged. “I don’t know.”
She really did not know, and that pissed him off to no end, but not at her. What kind of mother sold herself the way her mother had and then let her daughter feel guilty for the bad bargain her entire life?
Hope’s mother.
He sighed. “I’m sorry you don’t know. I wish you did. I used to watch my folks getting high and wonder why they could not love me enough to stop. To just stop getting high and all the rest of it, but they just never could seem to love me enough to do so.
“Then one day, I figured it out. It was not that they did not love me enough to stop, it was that they did not love themselves enough to stop.”
She leaned backward so she could see his face. “You’re saying that she doesn’t love herself enough to walk out on him.”
“Yes.”
She digested that for a moment. “I can see that.”
She brushed her hair out of her face. “Can you believe that I am sorry and that I did not mean to hurt you?”
He could. “Hell yes.” He took a deep breath. “Can I show you something?”
“Sure.” She backed out of his arms and looked around at the house. “Your house is nice. I thought it would be bigger or something.”
“It’s too big.” His voice was husky. “I know it’s only about a third of the size of your folks’ house, but even so, it feels enormous. It’s also pretty empty because it seems I suck at putting together furniture.”
Amusement showed on her face. “Come again?”
“You heard me.” He took her hand and led her through the house to the den. “I know it might look like a jumbled mess, but maybe you will get the gist of what I am trying to do anyway.’
He took her to his desk, and she leaned over th
e papers and the drafts there with a frown, saying, “I don’t know anything at all about video games, I am afraid.”
“It’s not a video game.”
She looked up. They stood on opposite sides of the desk, and her eyes held confusion. “It’s not?’
He shook his head. “No, but I am thinking that using VR – virtual reality – would actually be a major bonus.”
“What are you talking about?”
“VR? It’s…”
“No, I know what that means. I mean, what is all this?”
His heart leaped, and his confidence began to tumble. He really didn’t have a single notion about the medical stuff, but he did know about creating, so he said, “I was thinking that…well I was thinking that if you had a test subject, a human or whatever, and you could upload the images that they saw in their brain, then you could figure out more of a map, so to speak.”
Her eyes went wide. She looked back down. “You…you’re serious?”
“Yes.” Uh oh. Was he totally wrong about it being possible? “I mean, it’s just a thought.”
“Dear God, imagine the possibilities if it worked! If we could see what they see, if we could…” Her head came up, and she gaped at him, her eyes round and glowing with excitement. “Jackson! You….this is incredible!”
She came around the desk and threw herself into his arms, and then she sobered. “It would be too costly to create. There’d be a need for prototypes and…”
“And there would be other applications I could sell off using part of the same tech which would probably finance the whole thing.”
“That’s incredible.” She laughed. “How did you think of this?”
“I was thinking about all the things you ever said about being able to help a patient in a coma getting back again.”
She licked her lips. “I think we would have to try it on people who are not in comas, like get some real data so we can have a control.”
He said, “Okay. That sounds fine.’
“Cool.” Hope laughed and clapped her hands to her mouth, then dropped them again. “I just said cool. Did you hear that? I literally have nothing else to say to that. It’s…holy shit. You are a genius!”