by Kira Blakely
“Oh. Right. I’m Donna Pearson.” She offers her hand. “I was a friend of Cathy’s.”
Cathy’s?
“You know who Cathy is? She…”
“Was Lily’s mother,” I say as I shake her hand. “I know. How do you know this is Lily?”
“Oh, I saw her picture on Facebook. On Gemma’s account.”
Now I understand.
“Besides…” Donna bends over to take a closer look at Lily. “She looks just like her mother.”
“She does?”
I know she must have the same red hair, but I haven’t seen a picture of Cathy – come to think of it, there aren’t any in the house – so I don’t really know.
Donna nods. “Same hair, same eyes…”
“Eyes? But hers are blue like…”
“They’re more grayish, but I was talking about the shape of her eyes and her long lashes. Plus, she’s got the same nose, and even the same pretty mouth.” Donna shakes her head. “Poor girl. Now I understand why Ben doesn’t spend so much time with her.”
I glance at Lily. “What do you mean?”
And how did she know Ben doesn’t spend a lot of time with Lily?
“Because she reminds him of her mother, of course.” Donna pats Lily’s head. “But don’t worry, dear. I’m sure he’ll get over it. Of course it’s been over three years, but some people take longer to heal than others, and I find that it’s usually true for men. They keep things in instead of letting them out, so it’s harder for them to forget.”
That I know to be true. Well, not from my experience with Noah. He’s probably forgotten me by now. But my Dad – he’s still mourning for Mom.
“Well, anyway, I’m glad to have finally met you, which I think is really lucky since I’m only in town for a few days.” Donna smiles at Lily then looks at me. “What did you say your name was?”
“Michelle,” I inform her, realizing I haven’t given it.
“Michelle,” Donna repeats, nodding. “Take care of Lily, and the two of you have fun now, okay?” She waves as she goes back to her cart.
“You, too,” I tell her.
“Oh, and Lily can have this.” Donna takes the crocheted butterfly keychain off from the zipper of her purse and hands it to Lily. “Cathy made this for me when we were in college, but you can have it. Something tells me you should.”
“Butterfly!” Lily exclaims as she puts the keychain on her palm, her eyes wide. “Pretty.”
“It is,” Donna agrees, smiling.
“Thank you,” I tell her. “I’m sure Cathy would be happy.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. She was always unpredictable. Even her death was.” Donna swallows. “But she was always amazing. Anyway, I should go. Bye.”
I watch her turn the corner at the end of the aisle, no doubt in a rush to be out of sight so Lily and I wouldn't see her tears. I can tell she and Cathy were really close.
As I look at the butterfly Lily is still playing with, I sigh. Now I’m really curious what kind of woman Cathy was. I wish I at least knew what she looked like.
Chapter 8
As soon as we get home, right after I set the napping Lily down on her bed and fix the groceries, I start looking for a picture of Cathy. Just as I thought, there isn’t any framed picture of her on display. But there must be one of her somewhere in the apartment. I look in the drawers, at the bottom and on top of the closets. I know I’m snooping, and Ben probably won’t like it, but I just can’t suppress my curiosity. Besides, Ben didn’t exactly say I couldn’t look around.
As I look under Ben’s bed, I find a box.
Aha. I think I might have found his box of Cathy’s stuff.
Or so I think. I open it and see the magazines inside, each with an image of a naked woman or a woman in a skimpy bikini on the cover.
His porn stash.
Wait. The magazine he was talking about last night isn’t one of these, is it?
Curious, I go through the stash, stopping after I see a few lewd images.
All right. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.
After all, my imagination is running away with me again, producing images not just of Ben looking through these magazines but of me posing in one of them, seducing him in person. In particular, I imagine myself as the woman in one of the centerfolds, sitting naked on a boulder like a mermaid, her hands cupping her breasts and her knees just slightly apart. I imagine Ben sitting just a few feet away, slowly coming closer, kissing me silly before slipping a hand between my thighs…
I shake off the image.
No. I should stop thinking of him, especially now that I know how much he’s still hooked on Cathy.
Quickly, I put the magazines back in the box and the box just as I found it, hoping Ben won’t notice anything. I head to the kitchen, thinking of doing the one thing that can take my mind off anything else, even the image of a naked, hard, hot man.
Baking.
Chapter 9
“So what do you think?” I ask Lily a few hours later as she takes a bite out of one of the strawberry meringue clouds I made.
“Yum,” she says with a smile, popping the rest of the cloud into her mouth before licking her fingers and then her lips. “That’s the best thing I’ve tasted ever.”
“Is it?”
She nods.
I know Lily is just one little girl with not an ounce of the knowledge a food critic has, but I’m really happy she likes what I’ve made.
I push the plate closer to her. “Why don’t you have another?”
“Okay.”
As she’s eating her second cloud, Ben arrives, walking straight into the kitchen.
“Hey, how was…?”
He stops, staring at the meringue cloud in Lily’s hand and then at the heap on the plate, frowning.
In the next moment, he wrenches the cloud in Lily’s hand away, throwing it into the trash can.
I gape in disbelief. “What are—”
“Lily, go to your room, please.”
“Daddy?”
“Now.”
Off she goes like a scared little kitten.
As soon as she’s left, I glare at Ben. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“I thought I made it clear that you’re not supposed to give Lily candies.”
He takes the whole plate of meringue clouds and throws them away as I watch in horror.
“What the hell? Those weren’t candies. Those were meringue clouds. I made them myself.”
“They’re sweets. I don’t want Lily having too many sweets.” He sets the empty plate down on the sink. “Why do you think I asked you not to buy her candies? Why do you think I’ve never bought her doughnuts or popsicles?”
“Never?” My heart sinks at the thought. “But every child deserves to have something sweet, even if it’s just once in a while.”
“What?” Ben washes his hands. “Did they teach you that at cooking school?”
“No, but—”
“Haven’t you learned anything during the several days you’ve been here?” He wipes his hands on a rag. “Or do you simply refuse to follow my instructions? How many more haven’t you followed, hmm?”
“I—”
He throws the rag on the counter. “Can’t you follow the simplest orders?”
Ouch. His words, an echo of what Noah used to tell me, hit me like a dagger and I snap.
“You know what?” I stand in front of him with clenched fists. “If you want things done your way, why don’t you try doing them yourself? If you really have Lily’s best interests at heart, why don’t you spend more time with her?”
Ben’s eyes narrow dangerously. “Are you questioning my parenting?”
“I’m just saying you should spend more time with your daughter, to love her a little more instead of spending time pining for the woman you lost, a woman who will never come back.”
His jaw clenches. “How dare you?”
“It’s true, though, isn’t it?” I step forward,
unfazed. “You would rather have your wife back than your daughter? That you don’t like being around Lily or picking her up that much or tucking her to bed because when you see her, all you see is her mother? That is just so fucked up.”
“That’s enough.”
“Yes, it is.” I take a deep breath. “And you know what? I’m leaving because I can’t stand falling for another selfish man who doesn’t care one whit about anyone else. I can never be enough for a little girl who will always be a ghost in her father’s eyes.”
That said, I grab my suitcase, which I still haven’t unpacked completely, shove the rest of my things inside it, and leave the apartment as fast as I can, keeping my tears at bay the whole time. Only when I’m outside do I let them fall, trickling down my cheeks like the rain that has begun to pour. Even then, I wipe them off, doing my best to stay calm as I try to figure out what to do next.
Where do I go now?
Chapter 10
I end up at the train station, sitting on one of the benches as I wait for my soaked hair, my drenched coat and my flooded, squeaky shoes to dry, wiping the raindrops and the tears off my face with a handkerchief.
Why? Why did things have to end up like this?
A part of me is scolding myself for failing to hold my tongue again, for saying those things I said in anger and for leaving when I should have stayed for Lily’s sake. The thought of her being all alone weighs on my chest more than anything else. But another part is saying I made the right decision, that I was right to bake those meringue clouds to make a little girl happy, that I just spoke the truth that needed to be heard, no matter how painful, and that I needed to stand my ground and leave after all those hurtful things Ben said.
I’m torn. Once again, I’m lost. Once again, I’m brokenhearted.
Well, that’s what you get for falling for the wrong man so soon.
I know. I should have been more careful. I shouldn’t have let my emotions and my hormones get the better of me.
Wait. Did I tell Ben I’d fallen for him?
I clasp a hand over my mouth. I did, didn’t I?
Oh, fuck. My tongue should really have brakes. Now I don’t know if I can ever face him again.
Not that I’ll ever face him again. I’m pretty sure he’s glad to be rid of me, of a babysitter who couldn’t follow his orders and who told him all the things he didn’t want to hear. Yes, he might have a hard time finding someone new to take care of Lily, but I’m sure he will eventually. He’ll find someone to replace me and then forget all about me.
And I’ll never see him again or feel his touch again or hear his voice again or…
“Michelle?”
The voice quickly makes me turn my head, my breath catching as I see Ben standing there just a few feet away, a dripping umbrella in one hand.
“Ben?”
What is he doing here? Why did he come after me?
He stands in front of me, heaving a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness I found you.”
I look at him, still speechless, unable to believe that he’s in front of me.
“Look at you. You’re all wet. You must be freezing.” He takes off his coat to put it over my shoulders.
“I’m fine,” I tell him weakly, finding my voice.
He doesn’t hear me, tightly wrapping his coat around me. “You shouldn’t have wandered in the rain. You shouldn’t have left.”
“I…”
“I shouldn’t have let you leave.” Ben sits beside me.
I shake my head. “No. You were right. I am bad at following orders. That’s why I lost my job. Because I always felt I knew better. Because I never follow the same recipe more than twice. Because I always had to do things my way.”
He says nothing.
“Also, I was tactless. I shouldn’t have told you those things about Lily or told you how to be a father.”
“No. You were honest.” To my surprise, he places his hand over mine. “It didn’t take me long to realize you were only telling the truth, truth that I’ve been closing my eyes to for three years, truth that I’ve been running away from. But you see, that’s the thing with the truth, no matter how much you try to deny it or run away from it, you can’t change it or make it go away.”
I blink. Is he really saying what I think he’s saying?
“And it’s time to stop running,” Ben continues. “It’s time I stop thinking so much about what I’ve lost and think more about what I have left. I can only hope I’m not too late.”
He is sincere. I can feel his desire to be a better father, to be a better man. I can hear it in his voice. I can see it in his eyes.
“I’m sure you’re not,” I tell him, looking at him. “I’m sure that you’ll be an amazing father to Lily.”
“Well, I’m not.” He meets my gaze. “Will you help me?”
What?
“Will you come back to the apartment with me?” Ben clarifies. “I’m sorry if I was so… strict. I promise I’ll be more considerate.”
I glance at my suitcase, shrugging. “Well, it’s not like I really have anywhere else to go.”
I don’t even have money to board a train even though I am at the train station.
“And I’m sorry I threw away what you baked,” he adds. “To make amends, why don’t I help you bake next time?”
My eyes grow wide. “You’d help me bake?”
“Or maybe it should be the other way around,” Ben says as he scratches his chin. “After all, I have no clue about baking. Will you come back and teach me?”
I smile, all of my heartaches suddenly having disappeared, as if they’ve been washed away by the rain that is already stopping.
“The lessons won’t be free,” I tell him.
“Of course not. You are a professional, after all.”
“But I’ll be happy to give you a huge discount as long as you give me a ride home and buy me dinner along the way. I’m a bit hungry.”
Now that it’s all over, my appetite’s back, roaring as I realize I haven’t eaten since lunch.
Ben chuckles. “Of course.” He glances at his watch. “Maybe I’ll buy dinner for us all. Lily must be hungry, too.”
“Who’s watching her?” I ask curiously, the question having been at the back of my mind.
“I left her with a neighbor who also happens to be one of Gemma’s friends.” He stands up and turns to me. “Shall we head back? I’m sure Lily’s waiting.”
I nod, getting on my feet. My shoes are still wet and squeaky but I don’t care anymore.
“Let’s go.”
All of a sudden, I can’t wait to go back to the apartment.
Chapter 11
“You have to wait until the temperature reads 90 degrees,” I instruct as I watch Ben stirring the chocolate in the bowl the next evening. “Dark chocolate takes longer to temper than milk or white chocolate.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Ben says, continuing to stir.
“Yes, ma’am,” Lily echoes, giving me a salute.
After a few seconds, the temperature on the thermometer hits 90 and Ben stops.
“Does that look good?” he asks.
“Yup.” I give him a thumbs up. “Now, all we have to do is spread that thinly on that wax paper and, when it cools, we can peel it off and put it on top of our tarts.”
“Tarts! Tarts!” Lily chants, beating her small fists excitedly on the counter.
I smile as I look at the tarts, the filling that consists of a chocolate mint layer and a berry layer seemingly having cooled enough.
“What do I do next?” Ben asks.
Now that he’s done spreading the chocolate, he cleans up the bottom of the bowl with his finger and licks it.
“I want! I want!” Lily says.
Ben lets her scrape the bowl with a finger, too, and she smiles as she puts it in her mouth.
“Yummy, Daddy!”
“It looks like our customer already approves.” Ben looks at me. “Do you want some, too?”
“O
kay.”
I’m about to put my finger into the bowl but he does that instead, gathering what’s left and then presenting me with his finger.
Okay.
I try to get the chocolate from his finger instead but he pulls it away, shaking his other finger at me.
“Say ah.”
“Ah,” Lily repeats.
I chuckle. “Fine.”
I open my mouth and he sticks his finger in, rubbing the chocolate on my tongue.
I close my eyes as I close my mouth, shivering as the gesture reminds me of something else, making me imagine something else rubbing against my tongue.
“Delicious?” he asks.
I open my eyes and nod, blushing.
“Can I get my finger back now?”
Quickly, I part my lips, my cheeks getting hotter as I realize what I’ve just done.
He chuckles, licking his finger in turn, his gaze holding mine. I feel another shiver go up my spine.
Shit. Is he teasing me?
“What next, Michelle?” Lily asks, reminding me of the task at hand.
I straighten my shoulders and clear my throat. “So, next, we put some whipped cream on top of the tarts.”
I get some of the lemon thyme cream on my finger so I can taste it before I put it into the piping bag. Just when I’m about to put my finger into my mouth, Ben grabs it, putting nearly all of it into his mouth.
I stop. He is teasing me and it’s working, the feel of his tongue swirling around my finger making heat swirl in my veins, some of it escaping between my legs and making my panties damp, almost as if it’s his cock that’s stroking me and doing so elsewhere, moving inside a different pair of lips.
Shit.
“It’s quite good,” he says as he lets go of my finger, grinning.
“G-good.” I look away from him and start piping the cream.
“Michelle, why are your cheeks all red?” Lily asks suddenly.
Oh, come on. What’s this? A father and daughter assault on my composure?
Well, I refuse to let them win.
“Are they?” I press one palm against my cheek. “Maybe I’m just tired. Baking isn’t easy, after all.”