Hidden Barriers

by Sara Shirley

  I’m exhausted, and the ice cream hasn’t proven it can solve all my issues. In fact, I’m pretty sure it hasn’t solved a single one. I drive all the way back home instead of back to work because I just want to curl my ass up in my sweats and mope in bed for the rest of the day.

  As I round the corner for my driveway, I see his Jeep parked by itself. I knew he would come here eventually. As much as I don’t want to talk to him, things need to be resolved, and it may as well be right now.

  I pull in next to the Jeep and see Josh sitting on the front steps, looking worn down even more than me. The dejected look in his eyes tells me how awful he must be feeling inside. I let out a sigh as I grab my purse and keys before opening the door and closing it behind me with an additional force.

  Josh watches my every move as he stands to walk toward me. “Sam, please, let me explain,” he pleads.

  I throw up my hand to silence him from saying anything else. I’m not about to have this conversation on my front stairs. I push the key into the door, turning to unlock the deadbolt before going inside. I hold open the door for Josh, wordlessly giving him the okay to enter. He walks in, hands in his front pockets of his jeans, and his head lowered as I shut the door behind him. I continue to walk past him to the kitchen, still not acknowledging him.

  “If you want me to leave Sam, just say so, but I need to tell you I really am sorry for—”

  “For what, Josh?!” I yell more than I’ve ever yelled at anyone before. Slamming my purse onto the kitchen counter, I ask again, “For what?! For not telling Sue you’ve had a girlfriend for three months, whom you apparently love more than anyone before? Or are you sorry because I found out the way I did, and you know you can’t come up with an excuse that will make this situation any better? Which is it, Josh? Because either way makes me feel like shit inside!” I continue to yell as my head begins to throb in pain.

  Josh walks toward me, trying to close the distance I desperately need to keep at the moment. “Sam, I love you. You know that. You have to know my feelings for you are real.”

  I blatantly laugh at his attempt to confess his true feelings for me. “If your feelings for me are so real, then why is it you never told her about me? Tell me that, Josh, and I want an honest to God answer. Why?!”

  “I don’t know, Sam! Honestly, I just don’t know. I wanted to, but a part of me never wanted to hurt her like it hurt me when I saw her finally move on with Dave. It’s as though had I introduced you to her I would be doing the same thing she did to me. I couldn’t do it, and I don’t know why,” Josh cries out.

  “You couldn’t do it because you still love her, don’t you?” I raise my head to look him square in the eyes as my cell phone continues to vibrate and only now do I grab it to silence it because I know it’s not Josh calling me anymore. Drew’s name flashes across the screen. I push it aside; I’ll call him later.

  “Sam, I’ll always have feelings for Sue, but I’m no longer in love with her. You have to know that.” He moves to close the distance between us.

  Holding my chin up high, I say, “I’m not sure what to think anymore, and I’m too tired right now to even continue this conversation.” I grab my phone and head toward the stairs to my room.

  Josh’s phone rings in his pocket. His eyes narrow as he looks at the caller ID. Sliding his finger across the screen, he answers, “Hey, Drew, what’s up?”

  Drew? My brother Drew? Why would he be calling Josh? I realize I’ve avoided a few of his calls, but as I glance at my phone, I see I’ve missed seven of his incoming calls.

  Josh’s bellowing voice startles me from my focus on my phone. “Are you fucking kidding me right now!? Yeah, all right. Call me if you hear anything. I’ll see what I can get from Nick, too. I’ll tell her. Thanks.” Josh clicks off the phone and runs his hands through his hair, circling around before coming back to face me.

  “Josh, what’s going on? Why did Drew call you?” I ask, unsure and sick with panic from not knowing what’s going on.

  Josh hurries to stand in front of me. “You’re not going to want to hear this.” Josh stares at me with nervous eyes. His hands reach out to grab my hands, and I don’t pull back because I’m terrified at what might come out of his mouth next. “Sam, it’s Stone. No one knows where he is. He hasn’t checked in with his parole officer in over a week.” Josh continues to explain how Drew and my dad are going to be working with the jail to see what they can do, and he is going to call Nick to see if there is anything on this end that can be done. I don’t process any of what he tells me. “Sam, talk to me. Please, talk to me. Don’t shut down on me now. I’m here to help you.”

  I pull out of his hold and move to the stairs in a comatose state of mind. “Go home, Josh. You can’t help me any more than I can help myself at the moment.”

  “Sam…”

  I hear Josh say my name, but I only pull my phone to my ear after calling the one person I need to talk to right now. The only one who really understands my struggle. I hear him answer the phone on his end. “Drew, I need you to come up to the house, please.” He doesn’t ask any questions; he just knows. When he tells me he’ll be here in a few hours and is already on his way, I feel slightly relieved. As I hang up the phone, I turn to look at the bottom of the stairs where Josh stares back at me.

  “So, that’s it, Sam? I’m here, offering to help you get through this, to love you, and to protect you, and instead, you want Drew here. Drew, who’s two hours away. I fuckin’ love you! I’m supposed to be the one you go to when you need help, not him. You can’t push me away as though I don’t know what’s going on, so talk to me. Yell at me. Fuck, I don’t care if you feel like using me as a punching bag. Just use me! Even if I stand here and tell you I’m not leaving you, you’re still going to push me away. I’ve never fought for someone so hard in my life. I wish you could see that. I’ll be outside if you change your mind. If not, well, I don’t know what to tell you, but at some point you need to stop being scared of letting me in and just do it. Otherwise, we’re going to continue on this same path for a very long time, and eventually one of us is going to break.”

  Josh turns and walks away, but I don’t wait to hear the front door open or watch him leave. I head directly to my bedroom and lock my door before curling up in bed, wondering if and when Stone finds me again, whether I will be strong enough to survive a second time around. My eyes close, and I think I’m not sure I am.

  I know Sam’s not thinking straight. I can’t even imagine what’s going on in her head. It has to be ten times worse than what I have circling around in my own mind. To top it off, she called Drew. I don’t know what to think. I only know that hearing her say she needed him instead of me hurt me beyond words.

  I couldn’t leave her alone at the house, not after the day we just had. I’ve been sitting on the front steps for well over an hour making phone calls. Lucy came home from her date early when I called her and explained the situation, and Kim and Rose will be back shortly from their derby road trip. Nick couldn’t believe his ears when I told him Stone has been missing for a week. He is going to head into the PD once he locks up Vines with Cara to see what he can find out.

  Apparently, Cara and Nick convinced Sam to leave work earlier to come over and surprise me at Sunday dinner. I guess that didn’t play out the way they thought it would either.

  The sound of tires coming up the driveway catches my attention. My eyes drift up to see Drew pulling in. Standing from my uncomfortable seat on the brick steps, I head over to meet him. As Drew gets out of his SUV, I lean against the back of my Jeep and give him a slight nod, silently saying hello.

  Drew pulls his military issued duffle bag from the backseat as he walks over to me. “How’s she doing?” he asks as he pushes the bag straps over his shoulder.

  “No idea. She got off the phone with you and told me to leave. She’s been up with Lucy for about an hour now.” I point up toward her bedroom window where shadows pass behind the blind in the early evening light. �
��After today’s events, she might be completely done with me.”

  Drew scratches the stubble on his jaw as his eyes move away from Sam’s window back to me. “Let me talk to her,” he says, slapping my shoulder as he moves to walk into the house.

  “That’s just it. No offense, Drew, but she should want to talk to me. No, she should need to talk to me. I’m here, and the only thing she did was call you for help. I love your sister, and she knows I’d do anything for her. It’s obvious she isn’t in the same place as me, and as much as I know I ought to go in there and help her, I can’t.”

  I pull my keys from my pocket and push off toward the Jeep. Drew moves a little closer to me. “What does that mean, Josh? Are you bailing?” he questions as he stands at ease with his hands crossed over his chest.

  I open the door to the Jeep and hop inside. “No, I’ll still be here for Sam if and when she needs me. All she has to do is call. If anything happens or you need me, just call. I’ve got to head to Savannah for the wedding in a few days, but I’ll be home by the end of the weekend.” I reach out to shut the door as I watch Drew turn to head inside.

  “Drew.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Do me a favor. Tell her I only truly love her, nobody else.”

  Drew lifts his chin, telling me he understands before pushing open the front door and walking inside.

  I glance up one more time at Sam’s bedroom window, only to see her blinds are now open and her face staring back at me. Her head turns as I see Drew come up behind her, resting a hand on her shoulder. He says something to her. Then, her head bows, and I see her begin to sob. I turn away, start the engine, and throw my seat belt across my chest.

  After I place the Jeep into drive, I never look back. If I see her cry any more tears, I know I’ll cave and run back up to her, but this time Sam needs to know what she wants, and right now, it’s not me.

  A week has passed since I’ve seen or talked to Sam. Although I’m in utter turmoil inside, I have to put on a happy façade, especially since I’m on a kayak tour on Tybee Island, Georgia, with Courtney right now. The plan is for Jeremy to propose within the hour and marry the love of his life tomorrow. I still say Emily will not go for it, but I’ve agreed to record a live feed of the event for Sue and Dave back home if it does happen regardless of my thoughts.

  Home.

  That’s exactly where I’d like to be instead of paddling down this creek to watch everyone else’s smiling faces and happy tears. I should be working to help Drew and Nick with any leads they might receive on Stone’s whereabouts.

  A paddle to the back of my head breaks the direction of my thoughts. Turning my head to the side, I see Courtney slide up next to me in her kayak. A scowl graces her face as she rests the paddle on her lap. “Are you just about done sulking up there? Jeremy is proposing in less than a half hour. Try to be happy for him, will ya?” she commands. My face scrunches up as if I have no idea what she’s talking about. She slaps me across the arm as she points to me. “Oh, stop it already. You know exactly what I’m talking about. You act like nothing is bugging you around everyone else, but I can see right through your bullshit, Josh. Plus, you’re so blind you don’t even realize what you’re doing.”

  As I narrow my eyes at Courtney, I try to think of what she’s referring to. I never once told anyone about Stone or what went down between Sam and me, so what does Courtney know? “Courtney, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I play it off nonchalantly to see if she caves.

  “Oh, cut the shit. I may be younger than you, but I wasn’t born yesterday. I already talked to Sam days ago. Are you trying to screw up things with her, too?” Courtney continues to scold me as we float toward our destination. If looks could kill, the look I’m getting right now from her would certainly be the death of me.

  “What do you want me to say, Court? It’s not as though I didn’t try! I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.”

  “You should be fighting for her, you idiot!” Courtney slams her paddle hard against the top my kayak. My eyes widen with her brazenness. She continues to tell me off, “Have you learned nothing from watching Jeremy these last few months? Fight for her! I’m not fixing another issue you have with Sam. This one’s all you.”

  I watch as Courtney paddles ahead of me with the current. The sun is beating down against my face while the salty water splashes up along the sides of the kayak. The lighthouse ahead tells me that we are nearly to the landing spot where Jeremy has planned to propose to Emily. Pushing my paddle into the water, I catch up to Courtney in no time. She’s right in more ways than one. I will ultimately screw this up with Sam if I don’t act soon, and I know I cannot count on Court to fix this since she doesn’t know about Sam’s past.

  I have no idea how I am supposed to fix this with Sam, but I know I have to.

  Courtney rows her kayak up onto the beach shore before me. Just over the dunes, I notice Mom and Dad standing there, watching Jeremy and Emily from afar. With Emily’s back to us, she never notices us pulling our kayaks up to the beach.

  Courtney quickly removes her camera from the dry bag in the kayak and begins snapping away what will most likely be some of the best photos of the trip. My sister never will admit how talented she truly is with everything she does. I can only hope that once she’s finished her college years, she’ll be offered an incredible opportunity doing what she loves. After all she’s done for not only me, but also everyone else, she deserves the best life has to offer her.

  I secure my kayak alongside Courtney’s as we move to watch Jeremy stand and face Emily as well as the rest of us. As he bends down to one knee, holding out the ring box to Emily, a feeling of jealousy rushes through me. As I notice Emily’s elated face when she turns to see all of us behind her, I know at some point in my future I want to share the same feelings my brother most likely is right now.

  The wife, the kids, the house. All of a sudden, it seems as though my future is as clear to me as my brother’s is to him. How the hell have I gone from countless one-night stands over the years to finding a woman who makes me see everything plain as day? I know the minute I get home, I need to find a way to work through this rough patch with Sam.

  Sitting here in the massage chair as Lucy and I get pedicures is not making this week any better. First, I received the news about Stone going MIA, then I pushed Josh away because I thought my brother would understand me more, and now, not even a day at the spa will make this week end on a positive note.

  “Would you at least try to enjoy this spa day?” Lucy disrupts my wandering mind. “I’ll be damned if you go another week around the house moping and hiding.”

  I stare at her in silence, knowing full well she’s right. I have been an absolute bitch all week, and even after she offered to treat me to what normally would be a relaxing afternoon at the spa, I’m still no happier.

  I’d be lying if I didn’t say I haven’t thought about calling Josh to apologize, but I just can’t find the right words. How do you say you’re sorry for telling the man you love that no matter how much he’s offered to help you, your previous relationship has damaged your ability to trust?

  When my brother showed up, he told me I was the biggest idiot, and unless I found an honest reason as to why I thought he was the better choice over Josh for me to call, he was leaving. It was tough love, but Drew told me that I needed to finally learn how to trust someone besides him. He then asked why I couldn’t just admit Josh was the better option.

  I couldn’t come up with a reason, and Drew left me three days ago.

  Other than derby practice with the girls and daily visits to Vines by Nick, I’ve been cooped up in the house thinking somehow, someway, Stone is going to find me. Nick continues to be a huge help when he’s around. If I’m staying late at work, he’ll offer to follow me in his truck to ensure I get home safely. Something tells me that might be Josh’s doing, since I’m pretty sure he still has no idea of what Stone is capable of. Well, maybe he does. Knowing J
osh, he probably had Nick pull up any information he could weeks ago when Stone was released from jail.

  There hasn’t been a single word or call from Josh, and as days go by, I think I’ve lost him completely in my life. Cara mentioned the other day that she was heading over to Nick’s townhouse since he had the place to himself. From the dazed and confused look on my face, she must have assumed I forgot Josh and his family were all out of town for a long weekend. Actually, my mind was so consumed with everything else, I had forgotten all about his brother’s wedding.

  My cell phone rings on my lap, and I see it’s Mom calling me again. Lately, she’s made it her goal to call me every single day just to make sure I don’t go bat-shit crazy. Too late. I’m already there. After what seems like the same questions she asks every time she calls, she finally suggests some time away from home. The more I think about it, the better it all sounds. Right now, I could use a break away from everything.

  Tossing my phone to the side, I look over at Lucy who is still getting her toes painted a bright purple. “Hey, do you want to take off for the weekend? I need to get away from here for a couple of days to clear my head,” I say as I pull my hair into a messy bun on my head. Lucy gives me a disgusted look probably because I never put any effort into styling my hair.

  “Yeah, I’m not working until Tuesday, so I can take off the next few days. Where are we going?”

  “Lake Winnipesaukee. My parents just opened up the lake house, and no one is using it, so she just suggested I head up there.”

  “Sounds like fun. Are we going to go find me a hot guy at a club or something? I’ve been getting bored with my latest one.”

  “Luce, it’s not exactly that type of place.”

  “Oh. Whatever! Fine, I guess I’ll settle for the after party at the derby tomorrow night.”

  Something tells me Lucy is not going to back down from that plan regardless of how much I fight her on it. The derby will be a good distraction from where my mind seems to want to go these days. The derby after party in the Fez Room typically involves lots of booze and music. Knowing Lucy, she’ll be the one hammered, and I’ll end up being the designated driver again. I’ll make sure I find my peace of mind once I’m away from here.