“And those songs are never written exactly how the experience happened?” I questioned.
She paused for a second, and then shrugged. “Well yeah, of course they are. But you can’t ever be sure unless you ask the artist.”
“Then let’s ask him.”
“Ty, what are you trying to do? Humiliate the guy and make him admit that he wrote a song about me?”
“So you admit it could be about you?”
“No. But even if it was, it doesn’t mean he actually feels that way. Shawn has songs about me. Are you going to make him detail exactly what those songs mean?”
“Well for one, he’s already told me. There’s no mystery there. And another, Shawn doesn’t have romantic feelings for you.”
“Neither does Nick, so stop making him look like an adulterating pig with ulterior motives.”
I groaned, very frustrated that she still didn’t even get my point. “Nick is a good guy,” I said firmly. “He’s not going to cheat on his wife, even if the opportunity did present itself.”
She looked absolutely horrified that I would say that.
“Jayden, all I wanted was for you to understand that he’s struggling. I don’t know if he feels trapped in the life he has, but being around you has certainly reminded him of something—I’m not exactly sure what—but something he once wanted. You’re a good friend to him. You treat his son better than his wife does. I’m sure that’s gotta hurt.”
“So because I love kids, I’m actually weakening the relationship between him and his wife?”
“I know nothing about their relationship—”
“Exactly. So what was your point to all this? I forget.”
I sighed. “Okay. I think we should stop talking about this, then. I’m sorry I brought it up.”
I reached out to draw her closer and she actually resisted me at first. I was worried that she was angry enough with me that I might have to grovel my life away, but she wrapped her arms around my waist and laid her head against my shoulder. We stood there for quite awhile in silence until she moved her hands up my chest and began kissing me. I was so thankful she was a very forgiving person.
Wednesday I talked to Matt about my disagreement with Jayden. Most of his replies were pretty general, and finally I just asked him to give me his honest opinion.
He actually sided with Jayden.
After smiling at my look of disbelief he said, “Nick has worried you from day one. I don’t know why, man. He’s a celebrity, yeah, but it doesn’t mean he’s any better than you in Jayden’s eyes. She doesn’t work that way.”
“Why can’t anyone understand what I mean?” I growled mostly to myself.
Matt laughed and said, “Just because I don’t agree with you doesn’t mean I don’t understand. Guys are just jealous idiots.”
“I’m not jealous,” I replied in a frustrated tone. “All I wanted was for Jayden to see that she still has an effect on the guy. Maybe if she were a little more conscious of his situation, she wouldn’t be unintentionally reinforcing his thoughts about her.”
“So…because she’s a great person, she’s not supposed to be a great person around him? Nick just might not be able to handle that, and he’ll ruin his relationship with his wife because he has unrealistic expectations about what a wife should be like? Because of Jayden?”
“Exactly.” Finally someone understood.
But Matt started to laugh again. After a few seconds he stopped and said, “You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“I’m completely serious.”
He shook his head. “Ty… This isn’t Jayden’s problem. You’ve totally made it her problem, but there’s nothing she can do about it. How is she supposed to control how other people view her?” He waited for a few seconds but answered his own question. “She can’t. So what if Nick was in love with her once. Right now they’re friends and Jayden is very comfortable with that because she has you. I think the situation might be different if everyone was single, but…who knows? Jayden’s not dumb. She’s spent most of her life dodging things like this. But,” he shrugged, “maybe she’s comfortable with it because Nick is married. I guess that doesn’t exactly exempt him from having feelings for her, but Ty… She can’t help it if he does.”
“But isn’t it better that she knows Nick and his wife are having problems? I mean what’s wrong with letting her know that if she doesn’t see it herself?”
Matt shrugged. “Maybe it was the way you brought it up. Jayden’s really sensitive about being in the middle of things like that, or causing anybody heartache or unhappiness. If you’ve made it sound like it’s her fault, even if you told her it wasn’t, she still feels the weight of it. I don’t know. I’m no expert, so maybe I should just stay out of it.”
At the end of the workday I still didn’t know what to think. I drove home and really did feel bad that I had made Jayden feel at fault. What was I thinking? Matt was right. What was she supposed to do about it, anyway? I didn’t even have that in mind when I first brought it up. Maybe I didn’t think it through well enough before I mentioned it.
But on the other hand, I knew that I had a point. I knew that some things in life just weren’t meant to be, no matter how much we wanted it to be. As much as Jayden wanted to be friends with Nick, I worried that it wouldn’t be possible under the current circumstances—circumstances that Jayden was now aware of, but unable to accept.
By the time I had showered and changed, I decided that I was a complete jerk for even bringing it up when I should have just kept my opinions to myself. It was also after six, and I realized Jayden should have already been at my house by then. I wasn’t sure what we were doing for the evening, but I gave her a call to see what was holding her up.
When she answered I said, “Hey, where are you at? I miss you.”
There was a brief pause and then she replied, “I’m at Nick’s hotel. But- it’s—” She sighed. “I’m just leaving, so I’ll explain when I get there, okay?”
“Uh, okay. I love you.”
“I love you, too. See you in about ten minutes.”
I released a breath of air. She met with him after work, most likely. Usually the mention of a hotel could cause a guy to worry, but I knew that wasn’t the case. My biggest fear was that she confronted him about what we’d talked about the night before. I felt horrible, like I had forced a result intentionally. But that’s not really why I brought it up, was it? Why did I even bring it up? I didn’t even know anymore.
When she came through the door she shut it slowly and dropped her purse on the floor. She just stood there for a moment, so I got up and met her halfway across the room.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
She exhaled a big breath of air and shook her head. “Bree left late last night. She got on a plane and went back to L.A.” She shrugged her shoulders and frowned. “You were right about them being on the outs. And they had a huge fight last night. I guess it wasn’t the first, but…she accused him of all sorts of things—ridiculous things—just to hurt him. Then she called a cab and just left, saying, ‘Maybe you’ll see me at home, maybe you won’t.’ ”
She took another breath and came to me, dropping her head against my shoulder. I put my arms around her and held tight. I only wanted to let her talk if she chose to, but I ended up asking how she found out. I figured Nick called her, but she said that she was the one that called to see if they wanted to eat at a really nice restaurant with everyone—a place she knew Bree would love.
That’s when he told her that his wife went back to L.A. He originally said she was just getting tired of all the traveling, but Jayden was already worried because of what we talked about the night before, so she inquired further until he finally told her the truth. She decided to just go over and talk to him face to face, and that’s when she learned more than she bargained for: Bree got pregnant and didn’t even want kids, but Nick convinced her they should get married so they could raise their son properly. She accused him of not ev
en loving her, which wasn’t true, and caring more about Sam than he did her. And now she feels like her body is ruined from having kids and she can’t even work as a model anymore. Her whole life has changed because it was everything that Nick wanted. She did it for Nick.
I guess the guilt trip didn’t surprise me. It seemed very typical of Bree’s personality.
Jayden also mentioned something that made me uneasy, but I chose not to open it up any further. When she had asked Nick if he thought Bree really felt that way or if she was just spouting off because she was mad about something else, Nick answered yes to both. He felt she did resent getting married and having kids, and he didn’t feel anything could change that. When Jayden inquired about what else she could be upset over, Nick only said it wasn’t something he wanted to bring up. I could only conclude that it had to do with Jayden—to whatever extent—and he didn’t want to make her feel bad. I didn’t say anything to my fiancée though, because I couldn’t know for sure what the real issue was. There was no way I wanted to make things worse by interjecting my opinions again.
What was most upsetting to Jayden was Nick’s son, who was asleep on the bed when she got there, but had listened to his mom yell at his dad and then watched her walk out the door. Sam wasn’t even two years old, but Jayden felt empathy for him from when her own mom had left.
“I have this image of my mom…that she’s just this horrible, selfish person. And I kind of got that vibe from Bree, but I just didn’t want to admit it. I don’t like judging people. And then after hearing everything—well, I have a feeling he didn’t tell me everything—that she said to him and…” She sighed. “She sounds just like my mom. My mom headed straight for L.A. when she left us. Got into acting and stuff—apparently it was something she had always wanted. I guess when she met my dad she got ‘caught up’ with the idea of a ‘normal’ life, and then later realized it wasn’t what she wanted. The first year they moved here from New York was really good, but after that… My mom couldn’t take it anymore. She met some guy that promised her a great career, and she moved to California.”
I knew nothing about Jayden’s mother because I was too afraid to ask her about it. I never wanted to inquire because I felt it was private, and if she wanted to tell me, she would. But now, since she’d brought it up, I needed to know more.
“So your mom wanted to be an actress, huh? Has she ever landed any roles?”
She nodded. “Oh, yeah. She’s been in several movies. And she’s actually one of the main characters on As the World Turns.”
I raised an eyebrow with surprise. “The soap opera?”
She nodded again. “Yep. Her life wasn’t dramatic enough, so now she gets to concoct a more exciting one on TV.”
It was all a little surprising to me. I had no idea Jayden’s mother was an actress. I’d never even seen a picture of her mom, so I’m not sure I would know who she was anyway. I knew her name was Collette, and I knew a little about how she and Joe met back in New York, but that was it.
“You’re surprised, aren’t you?” Jayden smiled.
With my own smile I replied, “Yeah, I am. I don’t know anything about your mom, and I didn’t feel comfortable asking.”
She tilted her head. “Really? I’m that hard to talk to?”
“No,” I chuckled, “but it just wasn’t my business. The whole parent issue kind of had me worried at the beginning of our relationship. There was no way I wanted to talk about my own ridiculous family, and I didn’t want to make you, either.”
She nodded. “Yeah. I guess I avoided the conversation just as much as you did. My mom isn’t one of my favorite people. What she did to my dad was unfair.”
Jayden’s mother left her when she was seven, and she was concerned with how her dad was affected? “And what about you? How do you feel about what she did to you?”
Her mouth twisted into a slight frown and she shrugged. “She didn’t want me, so I have no need for her either. She’s barely looked back. She didn’t talk to my dad for a couple years after she left, but after that she called every year or two. Maybe her guilty conscience caught up to her, I don’t know, but I haven’t wanted anything to do with her. I’ve forgiven her for what she did because I just don’t want all of that resentment holding me down, but it in no way means I want to see her or have anything to do with her.”
“Has she tried to see you?”
She slightly shook her head. “Nah. Well, my dad pretty much tried to keep her away. He did put up with her phone calls because they were pretty rare. But other than that, she hasn’t tried to contact me, and she certainly hasn’t set foot back in Washington since she left.”
I slowly nodded. “And? What about you? Have you, uh, seen the movies she’s been in? Have you seen her act?”
She smiled sheepishly. “Yeah, I have. But it’s kind of like ripping off a scab. It’s there, and you know you should leave it alone, but you have to pick at it anyway.” I lightly laughed and she said, “The first time I saw her on TV was…really weird. I didn’t have a mom, so seeing this…lady…on TV…” She shook her head. “It was really weird to think a stranger was who gave birth to me. To watch her talk, and smile, and laugh on screen…knowing she was never going to do that in my life… It was painful. Luckily no one except my close friends knows about her. She goes by her maiden name, so that kind of helps.”
We talked about it for a few more minutes, and then the conversation drifted back to Nick and Bree. Jayden was still bothered that Bree reminded her so much of her own mother.
“Is it wrong for me to hope they can patch things up, but at the same time be glad if they don’t?”
I smiled. “Oh, I think that’s a pretty normal feeling.”
“I mean I wish Sam wasn’t directly affected by it, but whatever happens between them, I hope they can find some common ground and be happy. Maybe she’s just a little crazy from being pregnant. Maybe her hormones just overloaded, and she couldn’t help it,” she chuckled.
“And you’re looking forward to all that?”
“Yes,” she replied, giving me a kiss. “But just be patient with me if I overreact or go completely hormonal on you. I’ll probably go bake a cake and be good to go in an hour.”
“Okay,” I agreed.
She took a deep breath and said, “So? I’m hungry and everyone’s been calling to see if we’re doing anything tonight. I really don’t feel like going out anymore, so I was wondering if we could just have everyone here for pizza.”
“Definitely.”
“Okay. You order this time, and I’ll give everyone a call.”
When the calls were complete, I joked that we had about twenty minutes of alone time if she were willing to make good use of it. We did lie on the couch together until we heard the first car arrive. After that the house continued to fill with people.
Nick had to explain that his wife was upset with him and decided to go home early. But after that she wasn’t mentioned again. Matt gave me a startled look and later on told me never to listen to him again, but I assured him that I would always value his opinions. Plus I didn’t even feel like I had been right in bringing any of it up in the first place. I didn’t really see what it had accomplished. And I felt terrible that Jayden was so hesitant to become friendly with Sam again. He followed her around wherever she went if he could, and, whether she was in the kitchen or the bathroom, he still asked his dad, “Where Dayden?”
I realized I was the cause of her hesitation, so when I had a chance to talk to her privately in the kitchen, I told her that I was wrong. We discussed it for a few minutes and I told her much of what Matt said, because I agreed with it. After that she was back to her old self again, and Sam had a lot of fun doing some silly song with her about five monkeys in a tree and an alligator that comes along and eats them one by one.
“You’ll have to teach me the alligator song,” I told her after everyone had left.
“Surely you’ve got it by now,” she replied with a yawn.
> “I stopped listening after the ninth time,” I admitted. “Besides, I would have never guessed you would teach children such morbid songs.”
That made her laugh.
Nick and Sam headed for home Thursday morning. They stopped by Jayden’s house around eight to say goodbye and then headed over to Shawn’s to wake him up and do the same. Later that weekend Shawn mentioned that Nick and Bree had reconciled (to some extent) and life was to go on as usual. Jayden was relieved, although she was still uneasy about the whole thing.
We stayed pretty low-key for the weekend. The rain continued to pour, and besides just hanging out indoors for the most part, we went to a movie with Josh and Silvia one night, and out to dinner with Matt and Stacie the next. On Sunday I went to church with Jayden, like I had two other times. She didn’t have a particular church or religion she was a part of, so she occasionally went to different ones. This time we sat and listened to services at the community church that Jack and Megan were married in.
When we got home later that day I asked her what she thought of it.
“Mmm, it was okay. The people were nice.”
“But you didn’t feel that the word of God was being poured down upon you?” I smiled.
She laughed. “No, not really. But there were some good things said.”
“Is there anything in particular that you’re looking to hear?”
“Mmm, just waiting for a feeling.”
“A feeling?”
She nodded. “Yeah. You know…just…a really good feeling, like when you know something is…good. A happy feeling that lets you know you’re in the right place or making a right choice.”
I slowly nodded. “Ah, like how I knew you were the right one for me?”
Her smile grew. “You had that feeling, too?” she asked, acting totally surprised.
“I did. It’s a really good feeling.”
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