Hotbox

by Delia Delaney

  When we were done kissing she held her hand against my face and looked into my eyes. “I won’t be long, okay? There’s something I really need to talk to you about.”

  It made me swallow and I nodded my head. She kissed me once more before I got out of the car. She rolled her window down as I came around the car toward the house.

  “I’ll give you a call in a little while,” she told me.

  I nodded as she backed out of the driveway and sped off.

  Well, I tried to have the conversation, and it didn’t happen. I was sure that everything was just working against me, and no matter how hard I tried to make things turn out the best way they possibly could, it wasn’t meant to happen. I wondered if I should take it as a sign. Maybe I needed to rethink my decision to tell her, or maybe something good was going to happen instead and I wouldn’t have to do anything at all.

  I stepped into my house and flipped a light on; what I saw made me jump. My blood ran cold when I saw Dean sitting on my couch, with Dax and Roy standing a few feet from him.

  “Sorry to scare you,” Dean smiled. “You can never be sure who’s lurking in the dark, can you?”

  “What are you doing in my house?”

  He shrugged. “Just stopping by. Thought I’d offer some moral support in case you were distraught about your could-have-been father-in-law almost being off-ed today.”

  Both Dax and Roy snickered.

  “You had something to do with that?”

  “What?” he replied, faking his innocence. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  I clenched my jaw together to refrain from speaking my mind.

  “So, Ty,” he continued. “You’re still kissy kissy with your lady, I see,” he nodded to outside. “I wish you had taken my earlier threat seriously.”

  “I did,” I said firmly. “And I was about to do it, but then she found out about her father.”

  “Oh, I see. Sorry to have ruined the moment for you,” he smiled. Dax and Roy both laughed again, but Dean seemed to nod his head my direction and Dax came toward me. “So Ty… I think we’ll make things easier on you. I’m a little worried about how you’re going to end things with her. You see, I can’t have you telling her things that are going to complicate my life. I can’t risk you tipping her off that you’re doing this, well, because of me,” he smiled. “I really don’t need her to be suspicious of any outside influences.”

  “Sounds like it might be safer for me to just stay with her then, don’t you think?”

  He stared at me for a few seconds, seeming to assess the situation. Finally he leaned forward and said, “Do you understand what I’ve just done for you, Ty?” He paused for a moment, for effect. “See, I know you. I know you, whether you want to believe that or not. I know how you think. I know that you believe your girlfriend will be understanding of some vague explanation you decide to give her. I know you plan on telling her something, to cover your ass so you’d have a chance to get her back. But I’m not exactly sure if you were going to be stupid enough to tell her all of it. If you thought you were going to get away with that, you’re dead wrong. So, instead of Jayden having to listen to your pitiful excuses as to why you’re such a tool when you break up with her, we’ll just create a reason that’s gonna stick. Things’ll be much easier for us all if she never wants to speak to you again,” he smiled nefariously.

  He stood up from the couch as Dax grabbed my arm and pushed me forward.

  “Don’t touch me,” I told him.

  “I suggest you not put up a fight, Ty,” Dean smirked at me. “This won’t hurt…too much.”

  I felt something poke into my skin, but before I realized what was happening, my whole body seemed to lose feeling within seconds. Dax grabbed me and dropped me onto the couch, and I sat slumped against the back of it with absolutely no ability to move.

  Dean was still smiling at me. “We’re just going to do things my way, Ty. Okay?”

  Dax knelt down in front of me and stuck something into my arm. He tossed the syringe onto the coffee table just as the back door opened. I had no idea who else entered the house and I didn’t even care. My mind was soaring all sorts of places and the last thing I remember was Dean’s evil face sneering down at me.

  When I came to, my body felt about twice as heavy as it normally did. I think I was still in orbit, but maybe I was just dreaming. I dreamt about Jayden. And then there she was, standing in front of me. I glanced around, trying to understand where I was. I was lying on the couch. I tried to sit up, and after some difficulty, managed to do so. It really was Jayden, standing there at the end of the couch. The look on her face… I had to be in a nightmare. I had never seen her look like that before. Was she crying?

  I followed her gaze to the coffee table beside me. I just stared at it, not understanding what I was even looking at.

  “Are you ready to talk now?” she asked quietly, brushing away a tear.

  I turned my face to her. “Talk about what?” My voice didn’t even sound like my own.

  She stared at me again with her mouth open, and then her expression changed even more when she looked at something else toward the hallway.

  “Baby, where’d you go?” an unfamiliar voice said. I slowly turned my head toward the hall to find a girl standing there, with barely anything on. “Oh,” she smiled, “I didn’t know you had company. Hurry back,” she smiled as she left down the hall.

  Completely confused, I turned back to Jayden, who was still standing there, but tears were pouring down her face.

  “Is- is this…” She took a breath. “Is this what you meant by…mistakes? You made some mistakes? I don’t even…” She took a couple of steps toward me and looked at the coffee table again. “How long?” she whispered. “How long have you been…” She waved at the table but left it unfinished.

  I was still stuck on the word “mistake.” Why did that ring a bell? Suddenly I remembered sitting at her kitchen table, and then everything kind of hit me at once. I came home… Dean was here… This was really happening, wasn’t it? He set me up. This was the reason that was going to “stick.”

  I also pictured what almost happened to her earlier, and her father… This was never going to end. This was it. Jayden and I were through, and I was never going to get her back. My mind was slowly beginning to think straight. This was not how I wanted things to end, but now it had, and there was nothing I could do about it. It was just as well if it meant keeping her safe. She was going to hate me, but I hoped that she could someday understand.

  Her movement caught my attention and she sat on the arm of the couch just a few feet from me.

  “Ty,” she said quietly. “I love you. I know you’re lit on something right now, and you probably can’t even have a conversation with me, but I do love you.”

  No, she wasn’t going to do this to me, was she? I had just decided to let everything play out as it had. She had to hate me; she had to just break off our engagement and be done with me. I didn’t deserve her. It would be better if I were out of her life. But now she was going to look beyond all of this? She was going to excuse everything that she just saw? What was I supposed to do? I really wanted to tell her the truth—to let her know that this wasn’t me, this wasn’t who I was—but my fear seemed to get the better of me. I loved her more than anything, and I couldn’t risk anything happening to her because of my own messed up life.

  I rubbed my face with my hands. “Jayden, you need to leave.”

  “What?”

  “Just…get out of here. I’m no good for you. We can’t be together anymore.”

  She was silent for a moment. I couldn’t even look at her.

  “Ty, I can get you some help, okay? I don’t… I don’t want you to be doing this to yourself.”

  I glanced at the items on the coffee table and understood what she was referring to. As hard as it was to just go along with it, I knew I had to. I didn’t want there to be any reason for her to stay with me anymore.

  �
�I’ll do whatever I want to myself. That’s why you shouldn’t be around me. Just…leave and never come back.”

  “You don’t even know what you’re saying,” she sniffled, sliding onto the couch and sitting by me. She took my face into her hands. “Look at me, Ty.”

  I wouldn’t do it.

  “Look at me!”

  I still couldn’t do it and I pulled my face away from her hold and looked the other way. I heard her sob again and if my heart could break anymore than it already had, there wouldn’t be anything left of it.

  “Just leave,” I told her again.

  “No!” she cried. “Not until I understand what’s going on! This isn’t you. This isn’t who you are.” She sat on the coffee table right in front of me and grabbed my face again. “Look at me!” she said angrily.

  I finally forced myself to do it, and I had to think of all the reasons why I needed to keep her safe. I focused my loathing on Dean and all the misery he had caused me. That anger alone was enough to keep me from breaking down right in front of her.

  When my eyes met hers she flinched, but as more tears poured down her face she said, “Now tell me you don’t want to be with me anymore.”

  As calmly as I could I replied, “I can’t be with you.”

  I might as well have slapped her in the face because she looked just as stunned. Her chin quivered and more tears came down her face. But instead of leaving, she sank to the floor, dropped her head into my lap, and bawled.

  It just couldn’t get any worse for me. I needed to tell her the truth. I couldn’t handle it anymore—

  “Ty,” the voice at the hall returned.

  With that Jayden jumped up from the floor with fury, and I heard the girl scream as Jayden came after her. There were voices and yelling but I couldn’t even understand what was being said until both of them came back down the hall. Jayden had a hand full of the girl’s hair as she was practically dragging her toward the front door.

  “Ow! Let go of me, you bitch!” the girl screamed.

  Jayden opened the front door and literally threw her onto the grass in her underwear. “You come near him again and I’ll kill you myself!” she told her. She stormed back to the bedroom and returned with a few items of clothing, tossed them out with the girl, and slammed the door shut behind her.

  I had never seen her so angry, so upset. I was still sitting on the couch and I had absolutely no idea what to do or say. She was standing there by the front door, watching me while she took several steady breaths. I couldn’t look at her anymore and I had to look away. Lit or not, this was too much for me to take. I would much rather have remained unconscious under the influence of whatever it was I had been given.

  “Why can’t you look at me?” she finally asked, coming further into the room. She was still angry, and I was sure the adrenaline was still in effect.

  “Because I don’t want to. I just want you to leave.”

  She paused for a moment. “Who is she?”

  I wasn’t actually sure what to say. I didn’t know if I should make something up or just admit that I didn’t know who she was.

  “Hmm,” she slowly nodded. “If you had admitted to me earlier that you were cheating on me, I would have laughed in your face. I see it with my own eyes, and I still don’t even believe it.” She shook her head. “What the hell is going on?”

  “Jayden, you just need to leave.”

  “No, I won’t! Not until something makes sense to me!”

  “Then you’re going to be standing there for a long time! It is what it is, so just accept it and get out of my house!”

  I could deal with the anger. If she just kept yelling at me, I wouldn’t have to die all over again watching her cry. Why did it have to come to this? Why wasn’t I able to just tell her that we couldn’t be together for now, like I planned? Maybe it could still happen that way. Maybe I could convince her that this really wasn’t what it seemed, and then I’d tell her the things that I wanted her to know. The major problem with that was all the questions she would have. But what if I could convince her to just trust me and not ask questions. Trust me? Was I kidding myself? Why in the world would she trust me after all of the secrets I’d kept from her?

  “I’m going to give you some time,” she said softly. She sat back down on the arm of the couch. “I really shouldn’t be trying to talk to you when you’re…like this.” She exhaled a shaky breath. “I love you, Ty. I’m…very, very upset with you right now, but I love you. And I don’t know what’s going on…why you’re acting like this…or what I did wrong… But I’m going to give it some time.” She sat on the couch next to me again and tilted her head to see my face better, even though I wouldn’t look at her. “Do you understand how much I love you, Ty? How much I need you?”

  I had to get her out of my house before I broke down and told her everything. She was willing to support me, even if she didn’t know what was going on. I had no doubt she would forgive me if the situation changed, and I could try to get her back, but for now I knew it needed to be this way so nothing else happened. Her life had already been in danger; I couldn’t risk it again. If she were willing to give me time, then that’s all I could ask for. Maybe I could figure out how to end this and get these people out of my life.

  “Jayden, I want you to leave, okay? Just…go home.”

  I rubbed my face again. I didn’t know what was in my body, but I felt like I was trying to fight through sedation any time I tried to think or speak.

  I could still feel her staring at me. She wasn’t giving up, and I wondered how far she was going to go with this. I forced myself to stand up, trying very hard to be strong about it and not collapse back onto the couch. There was no way I could risk her calling someone for help, and one glance out the window intensified my fear. I saw Dean’s car parked across the street, and then it all made sense to me. There was no doubt in my mind that Dean was waiting to end this if I could not. He was dying to make sure it happened like he wanted, and I also had no doubt that he was listening to every word being said. He’d been one step ahead of me all along. And at Jayden’s house… That’s why he knew I was about to open up to her. He knew because he’d been listening…

  “Ty,” Jayden’s voice said, breaking my gaze.

  I shifted my eyes to look at her but quickly looked away. I just couldn’t bear it. With effort, I made my leg take a step away from the couch. I seemed to manage okay, so I made the other leg do the same until I was walking toward the hall.

  “Where are you going?” she asked quietly.

  “I’m going to bed.”

  “Do you need some help?”

  She was at my side before I could object, and she actually stepped in front of me so I couldn’t look away.

  “Could you just leave me alone?”

  “No. I want you to be okay.”

  “I’m fine. In fact, I’ll be much better when you leave.”

  “Why are you so determined that I leave?”

  “Because I don’t want you here. I just… I’ve tried to end this before. But this is it, Jayden. We’re done. I want you to go home and just…stay away from me.”

  “I don’t believe you. This isn’t you, Ty. Whatever this is… I honestly don’t understand it, but I just need to give you some time, I guess. I’ll come back when you’re…when you’re more coherent.”

  “I don’t want you to come back.” I used my arm to gently push her aside so I could get by her. “Just get out of my life. I can’t keep living the life you want me to live. I’m not the guy you want me to be.” I began to make my way down the hall.

  “Is that just an excuse?” she called from behind me. “–Because you messed up? Or…whatever this is. I know you’re not like that, Ty. Just tell me what the hell is going on!”

  I turned around, forcing myself to build up the anger that I felt for Dean, and everyone else that was to blame for all of this. Not Jayden. I wasn’t angry with Jayden. I loved her more than anything. But I had to protect her f
rom all of the people that were destroying my life. I didn’t want that to happen to her, too. I had also come to the conclusion that I really was no good for her. How could I be? I had put her in harm’s way just by associating with her. How did I ever believe my life could include her in it? We’d been doomed from the very start.

  “Well you just picked the wrong guy to make over. I’m tired of living your standards. I’m sick of being your project. I’m still the poor, abused kid with the dysfunctional family. You can’t change me, Jayden. I’m still the same guy that everyone tried to keep you away from. You should have just listened to them.”

  “That’s a bunch of crap!”

  “Whatever. It’s over. I don’t want to marry you, and I don’t want to have a family with you. Just leave and count your blessings.” I continued down the hall to my room, thankful that I could hide behind a locked door and not have to face her anymore. After delivering those last words, I wanted to break down and cry.

  But she stopped the door from closing with her shoe.

  “Damn it, Jayden! Leave me the hell alone! Get out of my house!”

  I was beginning to panic, with Dean outside waiting for her to storm out the door from our breakup. He had totally underestimated her resolve. I didn’t, which is why I wanted to take the coward’s way out, leave town, and write the stupid letter. I felt so unequipped to battle her compassion and concern right now.

  She was still standing there with her foot blocking the door. Her face was so completely devastated; maybe she was wearing down and would actually leave. But as she studied me, something seemed to change. Before I could make sense of it, she reached for my face and softly rubbed her thumb over my skin.

  “I’m going to come back in the morning,” she barely managed to say. She still stood in the doorway for a moment, and then she leaned forward until her lips were close to my ear. “Ty, I love you,” she whispered. “And I know you love me, too. Whatever’s going on…you can talk to me. I’ll understand, I swear. Just…don’t shut me out.”