by Nancy Rue
I screamed Hazel’s name, but she was already out of the car, tearing toward the house. I followed blindly. Terror sheared every thought from my head.
By the time I got to Hazel, she was coming back through the pool gate, eyes wild.
“Where are they?” she demanded of me. “Sunrise! Tri!”
“Down here!” The voice came from the beach.
“Dear God, no.” I turned toward it, toward the figures emerging up the steps from the shore.
By the time I got to them, Hazel already had a paramedic by the collar.
“Where are my kids? You better have saved my kids—”
“Yo, lady.” A second paramedic wedged an arm between them. “Your kids are fine.”
Behind him, a soaked lifeguard grinned. “It’s those dogs you oughta be worried about.”
Hazel let go of the medic. “What? My setters?”
The lifeguard jerked his head toward the steps. Another lifeguard stumbled into view, barely holding on to Regis and Kelly by a pair of ropes. Drenched and sandy, they paused at the top of the stairs and shook themselves out in unison.
“Everybody stop when you get up there,” I heard Nick say. “Don’t go another step.”
The tops of four little heads appeared above the steps—Max, Sun, Tri, and Desi. Aunt Pete followed, looking as much like a whipped puppy as they did.
When Nick got to the top, a paramedic cleared his throat. “Looks like you don’t need us anymore. Glad everybody’s okay.”
“They won’t be for long,” one of the lifeguards muttered.
The four of them exited, leaving the dogs with Hazel. She passed them off to Ed Malone, who was the last to make it up from the beach and marched over to the remorseful-looking lineup in front of Nick. When Desi saw her, he burst into tears and hid behind Max.
“What just happened?” she said to them.
“That’s what I’m trying to find out,” Nick said through his teeth.
“What did you guys do?”
“It wasn’t my idea,” Tri said.
“Shut up!” Sun said.
“Excellent plan,” Nick said. “Now, Aunt Pete, you want to explain this to me?”
“Yes,” Aunt Pete said, “if you’ll put that finger away.”
She glared until he jammed his hand into his pocket. She was recovering fast.
“We were down there on the beach. Everybody was playing nice, and the next thing I knew, those two dogs were out so far I could barely see them.”
Nick stared. “So you called 911?”
“Yes, I did. Maxine was determined she was going out there to save them, and when I wouldn’t let her, she got hysterical.”
“She really did,” Tri said. “Her face turned all purple and everything.”
“Shut—”
“Enough.” Nick put his hand up in Sun’s direction and looked at Max. “What were you so upset for? Look at all this madness you brought on.”
“It was my fault the dogs were out there,” Max said.
She had her arms wrapped around her wet self, and her lips were verging on blue. Nobody had even put a towel around her. I started toward her, but Nick put the hand up to me this time.
“What do you mean it was your fault?” he said to Max.
“It was my idea to play Search and Rescue. They sniffed out everything we sent them for, only I didn’t know they’d go that far out.”
“Don’t cover up for him, Max,” Sunrise said. “Tri was the one that threw the package of hot dogs out there.”
Hazel caught Tri’s fist before he could land it on Sun’s arm.
“It’s still my fault,” Max said. The chin she tilted up at Nick was quivering. “I couldn’t stand it if anything happened to Regis and Kelly. I don’t want anybody else getting lost.”
Her face crumpled, and she ran to me. Nick was in danger of rubbing the hair right off the back of his head. He looked at Ed, who was still flanked by the panting Irish setters.
“I’m sorry you had to come over here for this.”
“Actually, I wasn’t invited to this party,” Ed said. He looked uncomfortable. “I came about something else.”
Nick put his hand on Max’s shoulder. “Okay, go on in and get cleaned up. We’ll talk about this later.”
“Hey, anybody home?”
Gary Dalberg walked toward us up the driveway, carrying a galvanized tub nearly as big as he was. Lissa bounced behind him.
“Anybody up for some fresh crabs?” she said.
“Are they alive?” Tri said.
“Come check it out.”
The children surrounded Gary, squealing like piglets. Even Aunt Pete craned for a good view of reaching claws.
Nick stepped closer to Ed. “What’s up?” he said.
I had never seen Ed look embarrassed.
“I got a call from Georgetown,” Ed said, “and I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation for it—”
“For what?” Nick said.
“For why the police saw Serena at the Zabriski house this afternoon.”
I bit into my lip.
“Like I said, I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation.”
“There better be,” Nick said.
“I’ll cook these crabs for anybody who’s hungry,” Gary called to us.
Lissa bobbed her head “I brought coleslaw and bread.”
“Tri, Sun, in the car. Let’s go,” Hazel said. She already had Desi on her shoulders.
“Don’t go,” I said. “Stay and eat with us.” I could feel Nick’s glare through the back of my head. I turned to face Ed. “I hope I didn’t mess anything up. I just had to talk to Ricky’s mother.”
“Serena, for the love of Mike,” Nick said.
“And you know what?” I said. “That poor woman is as miserable as we are.”
The kids nodded off one by one in the family room when the chaos of the crab dinner died down. Lissa and Aunt Pete banned me from the kitchen while they cleaned up, and Gary and Hazel adjourned to the side porch after Hazel asked him whether they would boot her out of the church if she came, seeing how she had “a past more checkered than those curtains you got hanging in that hall.”
Nick looked at me and said, “We’re going for a walk. I want to talk to you.”
A late afternoon breeze was coming off the ocean when we reached the beach, but I felt strangely claustrophobic. Nick held my hand firmly and talked as I scurried to keep up with his long stride.
“I don’t even know where to start, Serena. You left Max with Aunt Pete, which I asked you not to do. You went off with Hazel, who you know I don’t approve of. And what were you thinking? You had no idea what you were going to run imp at that house.”
I didn’t try to respond. It was clear he wasn’t interested in answers. My mind darted to a man ahead who threw a stick into the ocean for his loping yellow Lab. At the waters edge, fishermen were setting up, and noise spilled out from the boardwalk. All these things I loved, and yet I had come to fear them. This place had stolen Tristan, and it wouldn’t give her back.
“That just seals my decision,” Nick said.
I willed myself to focus on him.
“I don’t want Max going to Lord Baltimore School,” he said. “I’ve been looking at Bethany Home School, and I think it would be better for her under the circumstances if you’d teach her at home. It’s like a co-op. They have—”
I came to life. “Under what circumstances?”
Nick stopped and faced me.
“You don’t think all of this is affecting Max? Look what happened today when you left her with Aunt Pete. Playing Search and Rescue? Hyperventilating over a couple of dogs? That can’t be healthy.”
“What circumstances?” I said again.
“You just have to trust me when I say we have to be very, very careful about Max.”
“Did that private investigator tell you something?”
Nick slowly folded his arms. “How did you find out about that?”
“Sarah Zabriski told me,” I said.
Nick’s eyes grew filmy. “Serena, I want you to take care of Max, and I’ll handle the rest of it. I’m not afraid just for Tristan. I’m afraid for you and Max too.” He put his hand on the back of my head and tried to pull me into his chest. When I stiffened my neck, he stuck his hand in his pocket.
“I want Max in a school closer to us than the one in Ocean View. And do not leave her alone with Aunt Pete in the meantime.”
I looked at him so deep and so long his face began to morph—from my guide and my rock to my master and commander, the one who made the rules and delegated the authority.
As I watched his mouth remain firm and his eyes wait for my expected reply, I realized that it wasn’t the first time I’d seen that expression. It had just never mattered before.
Nick touched my elbow and steered me back toward the house. “Aunt Pete’s leaving the day after Labor Day, so—”
“She’s leaving?”
“That was always the plan. I think she’s getting antsy to be back in Philly. Anyway, it will be safer if it’s just you and Max, staying close to home while I’m away.”
I dug my feet into the sand. Nick stumbled and caught himself neatly.
“Where are you going?” I said.
Nick tried to nudge me forward, but I didn’t move. I couldn’t move. He gave a sigh ragged with impatience, which he was clearly trying to keep stowed.
“All right, look. Ed Malone is stalled. The PI got a lead, but he’s taken it as far as he can. I feel like I have to follow up on it.”
“What lead?”
“Serena—”
“Nicky, please.”
He scraped his hand down the back of his head. “I’m going to Los Angeles. The PI traced a guy there, one I let go a couple of months ago. He made a lot of noise around the plant about putting it to me the way I put it to him. I know the guy, he’s all talk. If he has Tristan, it’s just to spite me, not to hurt her.”
I held back my questions: Why is it okay for you to follow your heart and go looking for her, but it’s not okay for me? Why is it all right for me not to know where you are when I can’t reach you, but you have to know my every move?
“Ed doesn’t know anything about this,” Nick said, “and I don’t want him to.”
“But he said to tell him everything—”
“And what’s he done with it, Serena? The police are no closer to finding Tristan than they were the night she disappeared. You felt like you had to go to Zabriski’s mother, for Pete’s sake. It’s up to me now, and I will find her.” His voice broke. “I’m her father.”
It was the first time I had seen him come close to crying since our crisis had begun. His pain swelled in me, and I reached for his cheek with my palm. When he spoke again, his voice was flat and hard.
“Now that’s all I’m going to say about it. I’ll handle everything with Aunt Pete and Max, and I know you’ll stand behind me.”
There was a time when I would have quietly taken my place in that spot behind him, where I’d belonged, where I’d felt safe. But there was no security there now. My image of a strong, wise Nick Soltani, who could protect and provide and prevent, shattered in a blast of doubt. And somehow with it went my image of a strong, safe Father who would never have let any of this happen if He had been the God I thought He was.
A different Nick led me through the dropping dusk. I followed him because I didn’t know what else to do, because it was what I’d always done. But the distance between us lengthened with the shadows until I could barely see him anymore.
Chapter Nine
Four days later, the night before he left for California, Nick summoned Max to the family room, where he had the Bethany Home School brochure spread on the coffee table, secured by the heavy stone coasters with sailboats bobbing happily on them. His explanation was clear and crisp and left no room for discussion. Evidently, Max missed that part.
She glared at the brochure and said, “I don’t see why I have to be punished for something Tristan did.”
She scrunched herself into a corner of the couch, arms slapped into place across her chest. Her face was pulled so far down it was almost comical, but Nick wasn’t laughing.
“In the first place, young lady,” he said, “this isn’t a punishment. And in the second place, your sister didn’t do anything. It was done to her.”
“Maybe,” Max said.
It was the first time Max had conceded the possibility that Tristan wasn’t abducted, and I knew it was only because she saw a chance to use it to her own advantage. It might have annoyed me if I hadn’t felt sorry for her.
“It’s not fair!” she said. “And don’t say ‘life isn’t fair,’ because that never helps.”
To my surprise, Nick visibly swallowed his annoyance and sat on the arm of the couch, arm slung across the back. Max refused to look up at him.
“What would help, Max?” he said. “Besides me just letting you get on the bus for Lord Baltimore like you always have. That’s not gonna happen.”
A gleam came into Max’s eyes. “I don’t have to ride the bus,” she said. “Mom could drive me to school in the mornings and pick me up in the afternoons. That way you’d be sure nobody was going to nab me—like they would—” Eye roll. “That’s the only thing you’re really worried about. This way I could still go to a real school and get a decent education.”
I knew Nick was going to veto that proposal, and for that at least I was grateful. Lord Baltimore was only in Ocean View—fifteen minutes away in traffic. But I hadn’t driven the car since Tristan’s disappearance. What if I had a panic attack right on Route 26? I was already envisioning the Blazer squealing into oncoming traffic when Nick said, “All right.”
My head snapped toward him.
“Are you serious?” Max said. She came up onto her knees on the sofa.
“We’ll try it. If it’s too much for your mother, all bets are off.”
It was a full fifteen seconds before Nick looked at me. I was incredulous. There was no sign of a question: Do you mind, hon? Would this work for you? I pushed my fingertips into the palms of my hands. If I’d had any nails left, I would have shredded myself.
“It won’t be too much, will it, Mom?”
I could feel Max searching my face. I pulled my gaze from Nick’s unflappable one and turned to tell her that indeed it would be too much. Getting out of bed these days was almost too much. But the face I looked at was as soft and yearning as a puppy’s. I hadn’t seen that much trust there since Max had turned four and had begun to know everything.
“It won’t be too much, right?” she said again.
My heart twisted. How could I squeeze out what was left of the normalcy in this child’s life when all she wanted was her world the way she’d always known it? And how could I stand the distance that a simple no would create between Max and me? I had to have one daughter I could still hold in my arms.
“Sure,” I lied. “I’ll be fine.”
Nick gave Max a resoundingly juicy kiss on the side of her face.
“That is so gross, Dad,” Max said. She dragged her hand down her cheek. “You know I’m not a baby anymore, right? You know I can take care of myself on the bus if this doesn’t work out.”
“Not a chance, short stuff,” Nick said.
When she’d reluctantly given up getting him to budge on that and went back to her room, Nick turned to me. “I think that’s a pretty good compromise, don’t you? She’s happy, you’re happy, and even though it still worries me, I’m not unhappy.” Without waiting for an answer, he kissed the top of my head. “I’m going to get us through this, hon,” he said. “I have to pack.”
I slept in a fist-shape that night. Max must have too, because when she got up the next morning, long after Nick had left for the airport, she took one look at me and exploded in the middle of the kitchen, in front of Rebecca and Hazel.
“Dad’s treating me like a baby!” she said. She knocked
a bowl of plums off the snack bar. As it rolled faster and faster, spewing fruit like a pitching machine, my mind rolled with it. The Soltanis didn’t hurl things—insults or fruit or feelings. Yet it looked as if it would feel good to throw a fit like that.
Rebecca watched it all, raisin faced, and I had a fleeting image of myself slamming a plum at her. It was a shocking little blip on my screen. After all, Rebecca had been there almost every day since Tristan’s disappearance, bringing food and pieces of Scripture and sometimes her mother—a plumper, grayer version of herself. I stuffed the plum-pitching image and ushered Max out of the kitchen.
“Go on up to your room, honey,” I said to her at the bottom of the stairs. “I’ll be up in a minute.”
“I want to ride the bus with my friends, Mom,” she said. “It’s not fair, and I don’t care what Dad says, it oughta be.”
I couldn’t give her an honest answer, and I was sure she knew that before she charged up the steps and slammed her bedroom door.
“I’m glad to see she’s a normal kid,” Hazel said when I returned to the kitchen.
Rebecca straightened from retrieving the bruised fruit. “That’s not normal for Serena’s children.”
Neither was taking off with the boyfriend you weren’t supposed to have.
I was immediately on myself, chastising my psyche for going there, for even driving by, as Max would say. Tristan hadn’t run away with Spider Zabriski.
But because the alternative was worse—that he might have forced her to go—I sagged into a chair at the table and tried to go numb. It didn’t work. Anxiety seeped in through the cracks right along with Rebecca’s voice.
“She’ll go up there and straighten Max out,” she was informing Hazel, “but you won’t hear any yelling and back talk.” The implied You could learn a thing or two from her, Hazel, wasn’t well concealed. Rebecca pushed a plate of Aunt Pete’s charbroiled toast toward me. “Have you heard any more about that lifeguard?”
I shook my head.
“Serena, I know I’ve said this before, but it’s impossible that Tristan went off with some boy of her own free will. Not the way you’ve raised her.”