by Molly Evans
“Yeah, right. Let me remind you, Doctor, of your own medicine. Just a few days ago you lectured me about opening up and sharing of myself emotionally. Do you recall that conversation?”
“Yes.” And he recalled touching every inch of her body while he was at it.
“Then take some of your own medicine. You expect me to open up and unload my problems on you, but you aren’t willing to open up and share a little bit of yourself with me? How fair is that?”
“It isn’t, and I know it, and I’m sorry.” So very sorry that he couldn’t put words to how badly he felt. So very sorry that he would never again know her touch.
“And what about all the crap you fed me about taking advantage of everything life had to offer? Was that just for everyone else, not you?”
“No, of course not—”
“Then, what?” Her breathing came fast, and she twisted the napkin in her hand.
Unable to speak what was really in his heart, he remained silent. It was for her sake, not just his, that he couldn’t reach out to her any longer.
“Well, okay, then. I guess we’re done here.” She stood. “Mark, you’re a hypocrite. Let’s go back to camp.” She closed the picnic box and didn’t look at him again as they gathered their gear.
He knew he’d hurt her, but he didn’t have the words to make it right. He didn’t have the time he needed in order to make it right.
The canoe trip back to camp was long and silent and painful for both of them.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
ELLIE stayed in the lodge after they returned from the lake and sipped a cup of coffee in silence. Rain had begun to drizzle by the time they reached the camp’s shore, so she grabbed her stuff and ran. The rain was a good enough excuse to get out of there. She simply couldn’t return to the infirmary right now. Not with Mark so close at hand, but so far away emotionally. She hadn’t pegged him for an emotionally distant man, not with the way he related to the kids and shared of himself with them. The way he’d risked himself to save Skinny had taken so much more courage than she could ever think of having. She’d been silly to even consider that there had been a chance for them together. The relationship fairy was cruel indeed.
Heavy footsteps approached, but she didn’t look up, hoping whoever it was would simply keep moving. A coffee carafe appeared in front of her, and her vision expanded to include Bear. Without a word he placed an empty cup on the wooden table, filled it, then refilled her own.
“Looked like you could use some more.” He sat down across table from her and picked up his mug.
She looked down at the steaming black liquid. “I think it’s going to take more than a cup of coffee to help me out, Bear.”
“I got a bottle of good Irish whiskey in the back for emergencies if you need it. Purely medicinal, you know.”
Warmth at the gesture heated her chest. “Thanks, Bear. I’ll let you know.”
“Good enough.” Companionable silence filled the air between them for a few minutes. Ellie listened to the song of the wind through the trees, and mourning doves cooed outside the lodge as the rain continued to drizzle. Though the sounds should induce peace and well-being, she couldn’t find it in her. Not now. Not after Mark’s announcement. Not after the way her heart had reacted.
“Might not hurt to talk to him,” Bear said. He sipped from his cup and sat across the table from her, a great hulk of a man with compassion pouring out of him. Something else totally unexpected from the man.
“What do you mean?” Could he seriously mean Mark?
“Dr. Mark. You need to talk to him.”
“Why should I?” Anger now replaced any warmth in her chest. Men always stuck together, didn’t they?
“He needs you. He needs to talk to you.”
“Believe me, he doesn’t need anyone.” He’d made that more than clear today.
Bear nodded. “I can see how you might think that, but you’re wrong.”
“Bear. I tried to talk to him, just today. We were having a good time, then he shut down on me. You can’t have a conversation with someone who won’t talk.”
“Yep. That’s the truth of it. Sometimes you just have to talk without saying any words.” He scratched his beard and frowned. “Maybe communicate is a better word than talk.”
“You lost me.” Were all men so complicated?
“I’m not one much for giving advice. You and Dr. Mark have been good to me, so I hate to see you both hurting.”
“Bear—”
He held up his hand for her to stop. “You might not know about this, being a woman and all, but men have fears. When we think we can’t do right by our woman or our children, now that’s the worst fear of all.”
“I don’t know what you mean by ‘do right by.’” This was confusing her more than ever. A dull pain was beginning at the base of her skull.
“Men take care of things. We get things done. We’re not much on feelings unless they’re so powerful we can’t help it. But give us a job to do, and we can get it done. That’s how we show our true feelings.”
“I got that. My dad was a fixer. Any problem you took to him, he could fix it or figure out how to get it straightened out.”
“See? Your dad was a real man and a real dad.”
“He was.” Now, thinking of him wasn’t as painful as it had been at the beginning of the summer. Time did have a way of healing things, though it was the world’s biggest cliché to think of it that way. It was true. The ache that had lived in her heart for him no longer had the influence it once had. At least that was something.
“Now what did he do if he had a problem he couldn’t solve?” Bear asked and took another sip.
“Oh, that was bad.” She chuckled at a memory. “He wouldn’t give up until he figured it out. Not a good time to be around him, either.”
“Did he ever have a problem he couldn’t fix or solve on his own?”
“Sure. When he was sick. He went to the doctor, but the doctor couldn’t fix him, either.” Enlightenment struck Ellie, and she stared at Bear. Reaching out, she clasped his wrist and squeezed. “He’s trying to protect me, isn’t he?” she whispered.
Bear simply smiled, and his eyes curled up at the outer edges. “Might be. A real man takes care of what’s his. Sometimes the way we go about things might not be the most intelligent way, but we protect what’s ours.”
“I’m such an idiot,” she said and closed her eyes. She should have seen it. Her father had done the same thing. When he became ill and knew that he wasn’t going to be getting better, he went through every insurance policy, every bank account, and ensured that her mother would have everything paid for, everything in order, and there would be no reason for her to worry financially the rest of her life. It was the last thing he could do for her, aside from love her until he no longer could. It was what had made him such a good father and husband. And one of the reasons they missed him terribly. He’d taken care of things until the very last.
“When my mother figured out what he was doing she was furious. Then she cried, then he cried.” She shrugged. “It wasn’t what she wanted.”
“But it was something he needed to do, right?”
“Yes.”
“And somehow they met in the middle, didn’t they?” Bear asked.
“Yeah. They were like that. They had their own way of working things out together.” She shook her head. “I know I’ll never have that.”
“Of course you won’t.”
A pang of disappointment and longing shot through her. “Bear, this would be a good time to reassure me and tell me that I’ll find it, right?” That faint hope that had blossomed in her chest faded to dust at his words. She was going to choke that fairy.
“Nope. This would be a good time to tell you to quit moping around in the lodge. I gotta wax the floors before the kids get back. If you want to work things out with Mark, you go after him and do it. If you do, you’ll have your own version of what your parents had, just not exactly what they had.�
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“I see. Thanks, Bear. That was one of the more interesting pep talks I’ve ever had,” she said. Standing, she moved around the other side of the table before he could get up. She leaned over and hugged him, then kissed his cheek. “It was just what I needed to hear.”
“Good. Now get outta here. I saw Mark getting ready for a run, so you’d better hurry.”
“Thanks!” With a wave she dashed out of the lodge and sprinted for the infirmary. She nearly ripped the hinges off of the squeaky screen door and leaped through the entrance. “Mark! Where are you?”
Only silence greeted her, and she stopped. Damn. She’d missed him, and she had no idea where he’d gone running. “Fooey.” Shoulders drooping, she caught her breath. What in the world had she been thinking? No matter what Bear said, Mark didn’t want her. He’d made that abundantly clear out on the lake. He had a life elsewhere. Just because they’d made love one time didn’t mean that he was going to want to have a relationship with her. How could they have a relationship when they lived so far apart anyway? Long-distance relationships sucked. And hadn’t she told herself that she was simply going to take care of herself over the summer and not even think about relationships until the fall?
Well, she hadn’t thought, she’d just jumped right in to one. She huffed out a sigh and turned.
Mark stood right behind her, and she shrieked. Grabbing her arms, he hauled her against him. “I don’t care if it’s wrong. I don’t care if I get hurt, Ellie. I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want to hurt you.” The fierce look in his eyes would have frightened her once, but now she knew it was fear and not anger behind them.
“Let go of me,” she whispered and shook her hands to free them of his grip.
“I shouldn’t handle you that way, sorry.” He released her.
Reaching out, she grabbed him around the shoulders and pulled him close to her. Automatically, his hands reached for her hips. “No, you shouldn’t. I want to put my hands on you and I can’t when you’re holding them.”
On fire, she hooked her hands around the back of his head and dragged his mouth down to hers. She didn’t kiss him so much as she devoured him. Parting her mouth she slid her tongue inside his, teasing and tasting him, daring him not to respond to her. With a groan, he pressed her back against the wall and leaned into her. Hands ranged over each other, teasing skin and tugging at clothing.
“Oh, God, Ellie. I want you.” His breath was harsh in his throat. Unable to prevent himself, he clasped the straps of her swimsuit and drew them down over her shoulders. When she figured out where he was headed, she gasped and kept her eyes on his. She didn’t stop him and didn’t look away. The desire in her eyes was a beautiful thing to see.
He’d stopped earlier, but now he didn’t know if he could. He certainly didn’t want to.
She reached for his hand and pulled it up to her breast. She closed her eyes as he held the soft flesh, brushed his thumb over the hardened peak. She was luscious in her desire and watching her enjoy the passion between them sealed his fate. He loved her.
Somehow his mouth found her breast, and he breathed deep. Aching for her, he pressed his hips against hers, and she rubbed hard against him. She touched his ear with her mouth, and her breath was hot and harsh. “Take me to bed, Mark. Take me to bed, now.”
Unable to resist her plea, he moved with her down the hall to his room and opened the door. Without letting go of her, he found the bed, and they collapsed onto it. Clothing and swimsuits flew across the room until there was only skin between them.
Two o’clock in the morning had always been his bewitching hour. For whatever reason, when 2:00 a.m. came, he woke. If he had pain, or dreams, or something on his mind, no matter if he slept deeply at first, when 2:00 or thereabouts arrived, he opened his eyes.
The same thing happened tonight. He and Ellie had made love again and it was as magnificent as the first time. His body had remembered what to do and had less of a problem figuring things out than his mind did. It had always been his mind that caused him trouble.
Rising from the bunk, he moved to the kitchen for something to eat. Though he and Ellie had been together earlier in the evening, the ability for two people to successfully sleep together in one of the bunks was impossible, so she’d moved back to her bed after a long, lingering kiss by the doorway.
He opened a bottle of soda and sat at the bistro table, put his elbows on it and dropped his face onto his hands. How was he going to survive the remainder of the summer without hurting Ellie any more than he already had? What was going on between them was magical and totally wrong. There were years left until he could reach out to a woman and not let go. He had to let go of Ellie. For her sake, he had to.
A sound drifted into his consciousness, and he looked up, expecting to see a camper in the doorway. Ellie hovered there instead.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Yeah.” He turned to face her and smiled. She was all sleepy eyes and rumpled nightshirt, bare legs and feet. What he wouldn’t give to be able to crawl into bed with her and sleep away the rest of the night. “I’m okay. Did I wake you?”
“Mm-hmm. It’s okay though.” Taking a step forward, she placed her hand on his bare back, then sat in the seat beside him. “Sleep’s overrated, right?”
“Not in my book.”
“Do you want to talk?”
She was giving him an opportunity that he could no longer avoid. He had to talk, had to tell her everything, or he couldn’t live with himself any longer.
“I want my life back, Ellie,” Mark said and turned away from her. He shoved both hands into his hair and clutched the sides of his head. Agitated didn’t begin to describe what he was feeling. “I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take it.”
“Why can’t you have a life? I don’t understand.” She’d gone perfectly still, intently focused on him.
“Because I…I have cancer.”
“No, you don’t. You told me you were treated and free of disease. You have been for three years.” The agitation in her voice made it raise an octave.
“I was. I am.” He groaned loud, hating to hear the words come out of his mouth, but they had to be said. “But my life is on terminal hold for another two years.”
“Why? What’s two years got to do with anything?”
“Until I’m free of cancer for five years I can’t have a life or a relationship with anyone, no matter how much I want it. Not even you.” There. He’d said it out loud and to the one person in the world he never wanted to hurt. If he wanted to spare her in the long run, he had to do it now.
“Mark, that’s ridiculous.” She leaned back in the chair, a stunned look on her face.
“Ridiculous? Is that what your mother thought when your father died?”
“Of course not. She didn’t want him to suffer any more than he already had. She was grateful, as was I, for the time we had with him.”
“Didn’t it break your heart to love him and lose him?”
“Yes, it did. But we didn’t love him any less because he was only going to be with us a short time. We probably loved him more.”
“You were an adult when you lost your father. What would happen if I fathered a child and then died? How fair would it be to that child and the mother? Not at all.” He just couldn’t do it.
He had to break out of this cage that trapped him, and he left the kitchen and strode to the main room. No matter what Ellie said, no matter how she tried to rationalize things, it wouldn’t work. Couldn’t work. He wouldn’t do that to her or a child. Not the way it had been done to him.
“Mark!” She reached out and stopped his movements. “Stop it. Will you listen to yourself? You have a right to have a life. You have a right to live it.” She took a deep breath. “You have the right to love, and be loved, well for as long as possible. We all do.”
Trembling from the bound-up rage inside him, he clenched his teeth against the emotional pain that was tearing a hole in him. “I can’t,
Ellie. I can’t. I won’t knowingly do that to someone I love.” And he knew he loved her or the pain wouldn’t be this bad.
“But you have friends, you have family, that love you. You’re worthy of being loved, Mark. I don’t know where you’ve been living, but there are no guarantees in this life anyway. I could go back to Dallas and get hit by a bus. Should I have waited until I was certain it was safe to live my life?” Anger snapped in her eyes. “Weren’t you the one who lectured me about reaching out to grab life with both hands? And here you are afraid to do it yourself.”
He clasped her shoulders. “Ellie, I can’t take the chance I’ll develop cancer again within the first five years. It’s my worst fear, and I simply can’t do that to another person. To you.”
“What if someone cares for you already and wants you to love them back, no matter what, no matter how much time you have?”
The tears she’d been struggling to hold back brimmed in her eyes. Mark knew what she was saying, knew that part of him wanted to reach out to her, to take what she offered and to hell with the rest of it. Cancer was the bus that was going to run him down.
“I would tell this person that I can’t be what they need right now and to find someone who can be.”
She jerked away from him and hugged her arms around her middle. “You’re being so unfair to yourself. You must know the cure rate by now? Why not simply monitor your blood levels every six months or so? Keep track of it, stay on top of it. Can’t it be that simple?”
“I do that already. I just don’t know if it will be enough.” The fight seemed to run out of him. “I know what it was like to grow up without a father, so I won’t willingly or knowingly inflict that loss on a child. He could have made a difference in the lives of me and my sisters, but he chose not to. I won’t create a life that I won’t be around to raise.”
“Do you hear yourself? You sound like the ultimate martyr, sacrificing yourself so that those around you won’t have to suffer if you get sick again.”
“Say it, Ellie. It’s not just sick—it’s dying from a recurrence of cancer.”