by Tiara James
He leaned over and switched on a lamp. In his lap was an old photo album of my old baby pictures and snapshots throughout my childhood. In one of his hands, he held a brandy glass.
My heart hurt as I could see my father was reminiscing on times when dealing with me wasn’t such a hassle. “Oh daddy, what’re you doing with those?”
“Just looking, honey.” He flipped through the pages of the album. “That’s the first time I fed you solid food, not that mush your mother would always feed you.” Daddy chuckled and shook his head as he gazed at the picture.
I was relieved he wasn’t angry with me for breaking the rules. I was even more relieved in knowing that I had completely gotten away with sneaking out of the house to have a hot make out session with David! But I was confused as to why he decided to bust out the baby pictures – most likely to send me on a guilt trip. “C’mon daddy these are so old…”
He ignored me and moved on to the next page. “Oh that was the first step you took!” He flipped through more pages. “And the time you learned how to ride your bike. You had us worried sick, but we would never let you fall. Do you remember that?”
I sighed, it was clear that he wanted me to relive the days when life wasn’t so hard. “Yes daddy, I remember.”
My father closed the book and downed the rest of his alcohol. He leaned back on the couch and crossed his ankle over his knee and looked at me with his arms crossed. “Look Eva-Marie, I understand that you’re growing up. But that doesn’t mean you can go disrespecting your parents every chance you get or breaking the rules by sneaking out the house when we clearly told you to stay home. I don’t mind you growing up, it’s just that lately you’ve been turning into someone that I don’t even know.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” I accidentally blurted.
“Excuse me?” He looked at me with a warning expression.
Instantly, I wanted to open my mouth and take the words back! But then I decided that I loved my parents so much and nothing was going to get solved if I kept throwing a blanket over how I truly felt and went about acting as if nothing was wrong. “Well, daddy, you heard me. I said I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Daddy gave me an expression that said I’d better have a damn good explanation for the reason I sassed him.
I took a deep breath, feeling as if I was finally going to get a weight lifted off of my shoulder. “Have you ever stopped to think that maybe the girl you’ve always known me to be is the girl that you and mama wanted me to be and not who I actually am? Now I know that it isn’t a reason for me to disrespect you guys and break the rules that you set for me and for that I do apologize. But daddy, I feel like the rebelling is just me indirectly begging for you and mama to let me find out who I truly am and what it is that I want out of life.”
Daddy appeared concerned. “Oh baby, what do you mean? We’ve worked so hard to make sure you don’t go down any wrong path, and you’re thanking us by spiraling out of control?”
I sighed. “That’s not what I said.” I tried to think of a way to explain it without hurting his feelings. “I’m saying from the very beginning you and Mama have controlled every aspect of my life and never really let me wander.”
His expression saddened. “We don’t want you getting into the wrong things.”
I snorted. “It’s a bit late for that. Daddy, you guys have been there for me my whole life, making sure I don’t make the wrong move. What you all aren’t understanding is that it’s okay to let me wander sometimes, you have to believe that you raised me strong enough to the point where I can get out of certain situations on my own. Life wasn’t meant to be lived without trouble, Daddy.” I told him, watching his reaction and hoping he understood.
“My little girl is breaking it off with me,” he faux wept.
I shook my head. “Never, I love you too much for that. I just want to find my own way in the world, that’s all.”
Daddy eyed me and began nodding his head. “You are your father’s daughter…you are your father’s daughter.”
I leaned on his shoulder and linked my arm with his. “I love you so much, daddy. I hope you understand what I’m saying.”
He rested his head on mine. “I understand that you’re damn hardheaded…just like me.”
There was silence between us for a few moments, as I knew I pondered letting another weight off my shoulders. “So Ray wants to marry me now, does he?”
Daddy rubbed his hand over his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m not surprised, you’re such a catch.”
I snorted. “It feels a bit rushed to me…”
Daddy sighed. “Oh Eva, you don’t want to be caught in all this mess when it comes crashing down, it won’t last forever. And when it does come to an end, Ray will be your ticket out – it’ll be as if you never knew anything about our family secret and no one will be able to take you down for it. You’ll get to live in peace, isn’t that what you want?”
“Is there something going on that I don’t know about?” I sat up and looked at him questioningly. “Please be honest with me, Daddy.”
He exhaled loudly, sounding like he didn’t want to deal with it. But I was his little girl – he knew he had to. “There’s just been some talk about how the police are beginning to investigate because of so many people overdosing.”
“We’ll be fine, daddy.” I went back to leaning on his shoulder. I could tell he was stressing over it and I didn’t want to make it worse with any more questions.
“It’s hard, baby.” Daddy shook his head.
“We’ll be alright.” I comforted him. “Back to this Ray situation.”
“Oh Lord, we’re back on that? Don’t you like the man?” He chuckled.
If only he knew… “I just don’t like him controlling who I can be around.” I said.
“You’re still upset he doesn’t want you seeing that white man?” Daddy snorted.
“His name is David.”
“I have to agree with Ray on that one…there’s just something that’s off about him. Especially if the police are investigating, you never know who’s spying and who’s not. So please, for your old man, please stay away from him.” Daddy pleaded.
I knew that he was just being paranoid but I didn’t want to push it. “Don’t worry, Daddy.”
“You know you’re gonna have to apologize to your mother.” He mentioned.
Ha! I was so uninterested in my mother I hadn’t spoken to her since I told her about herself at the ball. But I did want my car back…I would fake it if it meant getting my car back. “Of course.” I smiled when I realized I had an opportunity in front of me. “I was thinking I could take her to lunch…if I had the day off tomorrow.”
“My baby’s tryin’ to pull one on me!” My father exclaimed in disbelief with a grand smile on his face.
“I’d also need my keys back…” I decided to throw that in there.
Daddy kissed my forehead. “Anything for you, baby. Anything for you.”
“I should probably head upstairs now, you should get some sleep too, Daddy.” I rose from the couch and stretched.
Daddy shook his head. “I’ll be up reminiscing for a little while longer. Good night, baby.”
I leaned down and kissed his forehead. “Good night, Daddy. I love you.” I removed my shoes and wearily headed up the stairs. It truly had been a tiring night; between coming down from the ultimate high that David constantly gave me and the relief of getting back on good terms with my father, I was pooped! Right before I closed the door to my room, the telephone in the hallway began ringing. I caught it quickly before it woke my mother and Flora.
“Hello?” I whispered.
“Darlin’ where in the hell have you been?” Kate’s voice answered.
I sighed. “This princess has been locked away in her castle. Ever since I blew up at the New Members Ball, they’ve had me on punishment.”
“Well when are you free? You know the county fair is comin’ up, we’ve never misse
d a year together and you know that.” Kate said.
“I should be able to go by then,” I yawned, desperately wanting to just go to bed.
“If you’ve been in the house all day what’re you so tired for?” Kate asked, suspicion in her voice.
I had been in the house so long I had forgotten that I didn’t update my friends on David and I! I peaked over the banister to see if my father was listening. “I was with David.” I whispered.
Kate gasped. “What? Since when? And how? Tell me everything!”
Even bringing him up brought a smile to my face. “He’s my neighbor, Kate; he lives right behind me, it’s perfect! He took me out for ice cream the other night and tonight I took him somewhere…we kissed.”
“Well Hallelujah, thank the good Lord Almighty!” Kate exclaimed. “You fall off the radar for a few days and this is what happens. I can tell how happy he makes you, I can hear it in your voice.”
I sighed. “I do like him Kate, a lot.”
“What does Percy have to say about it?” She asked.
“He doesn’t know. I’m on good terms with him but he can’t find out, neither can Ray.” I answered.
Kate sighed. “This is goin’ to be a complicated relationship Eva-Marie, and it’s your first one. Are you ready for that?”
She had a point. I had no experience first of all – I wasn’t allowed to date until I was eighteen! What with my busy schedule, I never truly had time to entertain boys anyways. However, I would always make time to entertain David Finley. I knew it would be complicated because I was expected to get married to Ray and I had to keep David a secret from my parents and Ray – I was in for one hell of a ride.
“Of course I am,” I said.
“Well baby doll, I’ll be here with you every step of the way helping you with anything you need.” Kate said. “I don’t know what it is about you and David, but I have a good feeling about you two.”
“Thank you, Kate.” I smiled, always grateful to know she was on my side.
The next morning, I endured an awkward car ride with my mother all the way into the city so we could have lunch at the City Club. Neither of us spoke until it was time to order our lunches. It went back to silence as soon as our waiter drifted away. I looked out at the golf course as she pretended to look at the wine menu. I found it harder to apologize to my mother because she had truly betrayed me, if anything she should’ve been apologizing to me! She was strictly on Ray’s team and that’s why I wanted nothing to do with her. However, Daddy wanted me to set things straight with her in order to get off of punishment so I knew I wasn’t going to get out of apologizing.
“It’s a nice day out,” I broke the silence.
Mama nodded. “There’s a nice breeze.”
“That’s for sure.” I took a sip of my water, trying to find the right words. I sighed, “Look Mama, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting and how I disrespected you when we were at the New Members Ball; I had no right to do such a thing. I was just acting out of frustration and I was wrong.” No bone in my body felt that my apology was sincere, but I hoped she was at least believing it.
“Oh Eva, I didn’t think too much of your acting out, I would be frustrated too. I just wish you could see things the way I’m seeing them. I don’t want you in this life forever, and you know that.” Mama reached over and placed her hand on my forearm.
“Mama, why did you do it? Why did you give me up to Ray?” I asked with burning interest.
Mama sighed. “You think I want to see the end of life as I know it? I don’t want to see the pain and trouble we’d go through if we were caught. Honey, I’d do anything to keep things the way they are.”
“But I’m your daughter, Mama. Your daughter.”
“I love my husband, baby. I’d never want him to be taken away from me. I don’t know what I’d do.” She said in a small voice.
It was hard for me to feel anything for her. “Oh that’s so selfish, Mama.” I shook my head. “You’d sell your own daughter to make sure nothing breaks up your marriage. I’m sure Daddy would love to hear that.”
“Please don’t tell him,” she looked at me with wide eyes. “Can’t we just agree to disagree?”
There were a few beats of silence as I looked at her in disbelief. “I don’t know who you are anymore.”
“Baby I’m sorry,” she wiped her eyes and sniffed. “Please don’t hate me.”
I was done talking about it, I had more important things I wanted to get out of her. “Daddy told me the police are beginning to investigate.” I paused and looked at her. “Do you think we’ll be okay?” Though I hadn’t voiced my fears when Daddy mentioned the investigation, I had definitely been thinking about it when I tried to get to sleep. I stayed awake in my bed tossing and turning, wondering what I would possibly do if my parents were taken away. The thought made my stomach twist in fear.
Mama forced a smile, wiping her tears and composing herself. “Of course, baby.”
“Are you lying to me?” I asked, looking her dead in the eye.
It seemed as if she was blinking back more tears. “Can you just do one thing for me? Please don’t make being with Ray so hard, he really means well and would take care of you, should anything happen.” She ignored my question.
“Nothing is going to happen.” I said curtly, not wanting to believe it.
“The only thing that truly hurts my heart is to watch you rebel from him; together, he and I just want you to be safe and have a normal life when this is all over. So please Eva, for me, would you just give him a chance?” She ignored me once more.
I didn’t want to hate my mother, I just didn’t understand why she had to act the way she did! Though, I had to understand that she was scared for the future of our family…I was too, and in that moment I could sort of see things from her point of view. Just a tad. I sighed, defeated. “If it gives you peace of mind…I’ll give him a chance.”
She smiled at me weakly. “That’s my girl.”
All the talk of the end being near made me want to curl up in a ball and cry. My parents kept speaking on it as if it was going to happen the next day! But I knew that it made sense to prepare for it to happen at any given time. And if that meant sucking it up and getting along with Ray…I would do it.
16. Admiration
August 1950
It was as if when I was away from Eva, trying to concentrate was the epitome of impossible. I couldn’t go for too long without wondering, what is she doing right now? Is she thinking about me, too? I felt like a thirteen-year-old boy for goodness sakes! Whatever spell Eva had put on me was surely working. I took a deep breath and tried to focus once again.
I ran my hand through my hair and rose, looking at the photographs I’d organized on my bulletin board. In one group, Nicholas, Mastodon, and Luccio’s faces hung, staring at me and seeming to taunt me because they had all the answers I needed and I was still in the dark. The other groups on the board consisted of the dead bodies. I racked my brain, trying to figure out anything that would pass as solid evidence of Nicholas being the supplier. If it wasn’t Eva consuming my brain, it was the case.
“What’re you still doin’ here partner? It’s gettin’ late.” Clayton’s voice broke through my thoughts.
“What time is it?” I asked without taking my eyes off the board.
“Around eight-fifteen.” He answered.
That was enough to catch my attention. “Shit!” I hissed. “I was supposed to meet up with my friends at six.” I had completely lost track of time and forgot that Timmy and Chris had asked me to come to the county fair for a relaxing night along with Eva and her girlfriends. How could I have forgotten that!
Clayton chuckled. “It’s a little late for that, partner. What’ve you got goin’ on here anyways?”
I sighed. “Chief wanted me to organize all the information we’ve gotten so far to see if there’s anything we’ve been overlooking that would point us in the right direction.”
&nbs
p; Clayton took a closer look at the notes on the board. “So far all we’ve got makes Nicholas the producer, as I predicted. He has men to handle the dirty work and he even told us he has the chemistry knowledge.”
“Then why would there be two different shooting methods? And two different ways the overdosed bodies appeared when they died?” I asked. It was just too hard for me to accept the fact that it was Nicholas we were looking for and it was that easy to get to him. Something just wasn’t right to me.
“To do just this,” Clayton motioned toward me. “To throw you off. Look, just trust me, I’ve been here a little while longer. You’re just overthinkin’ it.”
“Then why haven’t we arrested him?” I asked.
“Not enough hard evidence, son.” Clayton shrugged.
Once again he had all the valid points and I had nothing. “I guess you’re right.” I replied in a low voice.
“Maybe you should head out for the night, don’t wanna overload yourself, son.” Clayton insisted.
“No, I can’t do that, I want to have this done by the morning.” I rejected.
“You said all you’re doin’ is organizin’ the data and takin’ notes, right?” He asked.
I nodded.
“Go ahead and take off, I’ll finish it up for ya.” Clayton offered.
I looked up at him, feeling guilty. “Ah, I couldn’t do that to you.”
Clayton chuckled, shaking his head. “Oh I’ll be alright. Look son, you’re young! Not even thirty, yet. You need to be out enjoyin’ these summer nights with that pretty girl that always seems to be on your mind.”
There he went again, making all valid points. I ran my hands over my face and sighed. “You’re sure you don’t want me to stay for assistance?”
“Son, I’ve been doin’ this a long time. I assure you I’ll be alright.” Clayton grinned.
I wasn’t going to argue; my head was starting to pound trying to figure out the impossible and I did want to see Eva. “If you insist,” I gave in and began to gather my things.
“Oh and one more thing,” Clayton called from my desk before I exited my office.