Playing Defense (Corrigan Falls Raiders)

by Cate Cameron

  “If you want to walk, we can walk. Or I can drive us somewhere and we can walk there. Whatever.”

  I frowned at him. My mom wouldn’t see his response as politeness or kindness. She’d say he was indecisive, or maybe even weak. She’d say he didn’t know his own mind or didn’t have the courage of his convictions or was wishy-washy. “My mom’s full of shit,” I said, half to myself and half to him.

  He raised his eyebrows. “Okay. Interesting. Hey, there’s a path behind the theater. It goes up over the ridge into the old houses there. You want to go that way?”

  “Yes.”

  So we walked around the side of the theater, stumbling a little once we were out of the glare of the streetlights, but Chris pulled out his phone and turned on the flashlight function, so we were fine. We walked to the top of the ridge without talking, then Chris shone the light off the path into the forest. “I feel like we should be able to go through here and get to the clearing. You know the one? You usually walk up to it from behind the elementary school, but I think we can find it from this side, too.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I had grown up in this town, but Chris apparently knew at least parts of it quite a bit better than I did.

  “Do you have somewhere you actually want to go?” he asked.

  I shook my head.

  “Let’s try this, then,” he suggested. “The trees are pretty spaced out—we should be able to walk between them without getting all scratched or anything.”

  It felt like a metaphor. Chris was striking out, off the beaten path, trailblazing, bravely exploring…something. And I was trailing along behind him, trying to keep up and not sure what the hell I was doing. A few times we ran into obstacles, fallen trees or undergrowth or something, and Chris either helped me over them or led me around them. It was all calm, all just gentle fun. Exactly the way Chris lived his life.

  And after only a few minutes of walking, the trees faded out and we were in a clearing, on top of the ridge, looking down over the town. There was a small campfire at one end with some kids gathered around it, but they were quiet, not rowdy, just looking at the fire and the lights of the town and being peaceful.

  Chris seemed satisfied with his exploration. “You want to go sit with them? Or we can go look at the lights.” He nodded his chin to the other side of the clearing, with no people, just a few big rocks that looked like they’d be good for sitting on.

  “Lights?” I suggested.

  We ended up far enough away from the others that we could hear a murmur of their voices, but no distinct words. I looked doubtfully at a ledge of rock that would probably hit me about the middle of my back. I probably should have been able to pull myself up on it somehow, but I have pretty much zero upper body strength. As soon as I thought about it, though, Chris was there in front of me, his hands gentle but strong on my waist. “Boost?” he suggested. I nodded, and he lifted me like I weighed nothing, settled me on the ledge, waited protectively until I settled myself, then turned around and… I swear, he levitated himself onto it. One second his feet were on the ground, his elbows up in the air behind him with his palms flat on the ledge, then he jumped, and then he was just there. Like it was nothing.

  “I should go to the gym more,” I said.

  He shrugged. “Or just get me to lift stuff for you.” He paused for a second, then said, “But, yeah, I guess that’d be a bit of a nuisance. You want to be more independent than that.”

  “I’m scared,” I said. I’d meant to build up to that, but somehow it came out raw and unprocessed.

  He moved as if to jump off the ledge. “You want down?”

  “No. Not scared of heights. I’m happy here. This is great.”

  His body relaxed a little, and he pushed away enough so he could pull one leg up onto the rock and turn to face me. “I don’t get it.”

  I nodded. “Yeah. I know. Because you’re…brave. I mean, you moved away from your family when you were, what, fifteen? And you’re looking after yourself, making your own decisions. You have a job, and a car, and you have sex, and I…I’m like a little kid, compared to all that!” He started to say something, but stopped when I shook my head. I was almost crying, but I wanted to keep going. I wanted to get all this out before I lost my courage.

  “I really like you. I know, I haven’t known you for that long and I’m just another girl and it’s stupid for me to get attached and lots of other stuff, but I can’t help it. And I want to grow up. I want to make my own decisions and one of those would absolutely be that I want to be with you. And the growing up part? That’s not…it’s not me changing to be what you want me to be, it’s me changing to be what I want to be. You know? It’s all stuff that I want. I want it a lot, but I’m not sure I’m brave enough to do it, not all at once, and even if I do the stuff I control, there’s still all the other stuff…like what you want, and I know I’m not…” I waved a hand in a totally random, overly energetic way, trying to illustrate something, even though I wasn’t sure exactly what the something was. “I don’t know. It’s scary. All of it. I’m scared.” I took a deep, quavering breath, and only then noticed that at some point in my little speech he’d reached out and taken my hand.

  We sat there quietly for a bit. Then he softly said, “You’re not just another girl. Not to me. I really like you, too.”

  I let the words sink in, then I said, “Why?” I wasn’t fishing for compliments, I just really needed help figuring it out.

  “I think you’re awesome,” he said. His tone was light, but he squeezed my fingers and said, “The way you think about stuff. Trying to be more awesome—like that’s a thing you can decide to do. Do you have any idea how cool that is?”

  “It was Karen’s idea. Well, both of us, maybe. But Karen at least as much as me.”

  “Karen’s awesome, too. But you know what? She’s been around for a few months, and I’m pretty sure that if I were going to start being crazy about her, it would have happened by now. So, she’s a sister, and I like her. But not like I like you.”

  “Oh,” I said. I know, I should have come up with something a bit better, but I was still savoring his words and didn’t have a lot of extra attention to spend on forming my own.

  And then he kissed me. I felt like we kept discovering new ways to kiss. The curious, nervous kisses of the night before, the hot, passionate making out in the driveway, and now this. Comfort and sweetness. Oops, and then a move toward the hot and passionate!

  I reluctantly pulled away. I was calming down, not really ready to cry anymore, but I didn’t think our conversation was quite over, all the same. “I’m making my own decisions on this,” I told him. “I can do that much. She’s my mom, and I can’t just stop listening to her. But I’ll decide things. Okay?”

  “Yeah,” he said quietly. “Okay.” He frowned thoughtfully. “I’m trying to remember all the stuff you said you were scared about. Trying to figure out if I can take any of it away.” A pause, and then he said, “Sex isn’t a big deal, you know.”

  “What? Of course it is.”

  He shook his head. “Nah. I mean…it’s good. I like it. I’m pro-sex, absolutely. But if you just mean, like…you know. Sex. Intercourse. There’s other ways to—” He stopped, and his teeth gleamed white in the darkness. “I think I can feel your blush from way over here. Sorry. I’m not trying to embarrass you. I just meant you shouldn’t worry about sex. Or about the other stuff, either. I’m fine.”

  “Because you can just go bang a puck bunny whenever you feel like it?” I demanded.

  “Whoa,” he said, pulling back. “Damn, I was trying to be all sensitive and shit, and you start talking about banging puck bunnies?”

  I felt foolish, but I was pretty sure I had a point. “But is that why you don’t care about having sex with me? Because you can have it with someone else?”

  “Okay, I don’t want to embarrass you again, but I don’t really need someone else to get off, you know?”

  I could feel
the blush coming back, and could tell by his grin that it wasn’t going unnoticed. His voice was a little gentler when he said, “If you want us to be exclusive, we can do that. I’m in. Nobody else. Doesn’t mean you have to have sex before you want to. Okay?”

  I squinted at him, looking for the catch. “Because you don’t really want to have sex with me?”

  “Because I’m not a total asshole,” he corrected. “Seriously, this is getting a little insulting. Are we back to the gorilla thing again? I mean, if I were somebody else—someone who didn’t play hockey, or someone who was smart and good at school and everything—would you be having so much trouble believing that I was a decent human being who didn’t want to have sex with someone who didn’t want to?”

  “I don’t know. It’s definitely not about thinking you’re a gorilla. But, you know, if you were…okay, let’s just say it. If you were a nerd like me, it would make sense for us to be together. You’d probably be a virgin, too, and even if you weren’t, you sure wouldn’t have a gang of available women just lined up waiting to have sex with you. A nerd wouldn’t be giving up all that much, but you?”

  “I’m not giving up anything. Being with you isn’t a sacrifice.” He frowned. “Also, puck bunnies don’t really line up. It’s more of a cluster, usually.”

  “Shh,” I said. “I don’t want to talk about them.”

  “Thank God. I was starting to think you were a bit obsessed.”

  “Shh,” I said again.

  “You want me to shut up? Why don’t you give me something better to do with my lips?”

  So I did. And at least for a while, everything was perfect.

  Chapter Nine

  Sunday morning when I showed up at Claudia’s house for tutoring, she kissed me, right there at the front door. Her mom wasn’t actually watching, but I wouldn’t put it past that woman to have had security cameras installed or something. And Claudia clearly thought she was being pretty daring. It seemed like a good sign, at least.

  We finished the hour and a half left in my original challenge and were well into the overtime when Claudia’s mom came into the kitchen and started her poking-around-in-the-fridge thing again. And again, no hint of inviting me to stay for lunch. Mealtimes with my mom had always been a bit of a zoo, with my friends and my brothers’ and sister’s friends and often my parents’ friends all throwing food on the table and then gathering around and grabbing what we could. The vibe here was obviously different, and I found myself picturing Claudia at my parents’ place. She’d probably be a little overwhelmed at first, but she’d fit in fine, eventually.

  But that was a useless daydream right then. I made my exit, with an excellent bonus visit with Claudia out in the driveway, and left. The guys were hanging out at Sullivan’s, as usual, so I went over there and messed around on PlayStation for a while, but I was kind of restless. When Karen showed up with Tyler, she grilled me a bit about how things were going with Claudia, and I tried to be as discreet as I could without actually telling her to mind her own business. Then I went back to my place, made small talk with the Bradfords, and went up to my room.

  Where I sat down and did my chemistry homework. Crazy but true. I liked the idea of having something to show Claudia the next day, a sign that I wasn’t a complete slug with no self-discipline.

  Karen sent out a mass text that night telling everyone to get to school early the next morning for a meeting of the Sisterhood. I had the morning workout with the team so my time wasn’t too flexible, but I raced through my shower and skipped shaving, and arrived at school with my hair still wet but about ten minutes before the first bell.

  The Sisterhood was in the cafeteria. Claudia and Karen, Miranda and Sara, Oliver and Dawn, and me. It was kind of a weird group, but I remembered that was part of the idea. We didn’t even have to like one another, really, we just had to back one another up.

  I pulled up a chair and when everyone looked at me I said, “Sister Topher, reporting in. I completed my core four-hour mission and have done about two of the three-hour supplemental.” I nodded in satisfaction. “I’m awesome.”

  Karen handed me her tablet, and I poked at a few images on the screen. There were shots of Karen and Sara smiling widely as they handed out coffee at what looked like some sort of church function, of Karen crouched down talking to a little kid, and then one of Claudia at the hockey game, her face glowing with happiness and humor. “It’s just a start,” Karen said.

  “It’s already awesome. I’ll take a picture of my next math test, okay?” She nodded, and then I said, “So what’s everyone else doing? What are the challenges?”

  “I’m doing a mudder race in two weeks,” Miranda said with grim determination. “It’s the last one of the season and it’s going to be freezing cold as well as filthy, but my sisters in awesomeness have promised to wrap me in blankets as soon as I cross the finish line and rush me home so I can shower and fix my manicure.”

  I didn’t know Miranda well, but she definitely gave the impression of always wanting to be put together. A mudder would be interesting for her.

  “Sara and I are taking a pottery class together,” Dawn said with an encouraging smile in the younger girl’s direction. Dawn was great at looking after people, so I bet the sisters had persuaded her to join something by saying Sara needed company. Sisters are sneaky. Dawn shrugged self-consciously. “It’s nothing big, but we’re both feeling a bit…well, we’re feeling like we’d like to start slow.”

  “Awesome,” I said. “Pottery. Do you get to use the wheel thing?”

  “We’d better,” Dawn replied.

  I looked around the rest of the table. There was a silence, then Oliver sighed loudly and said, “Fine. I’ll do it.”

  Claudia beamed at him. “Really? You’re okay with the idea? I didn’t want to push you, just encourage you.”

  “What’s your challenge?” I asked.

  “Claudia thinks it’s time for me to stop being ‘gay’ and just be gay. You know? Like, ease off on the theory and the self-examination and get going with the hot man-on-man action.”

  “Only if you’re ready for it,” Claudia said quickly, with a nervous glance in my direction. “And I’m not saying it has to be hot action!”

  “She wants me to go to a gay youth group,” Oliver told me. “To pick up. I ask you, is that the appropriate venue for such things?”

  He seemed to be really asking. “I have no idea. I guess there’s—what’s that app, to meet gay guys? But it’s probably all old pervs, right? And it’s not like there are gay bars or anything up here. So if there’s nobody you like at school, a youth group makes sense?”

  He made a face. “It’ll probably be boring.”

  “I said I’d go with you,” Claudia said. “It might be fun.”

  “I don’t need a babysitter,” Oliver retorted. But he seemed to need something.

  “I can go with you,” I said. “Unless I’ve got hockey.”

  Oliver shook his head. “That would kind of blow the ‘picking up’ part of it, if I showed up with a hot guy. They’d think we were together.”

  “But you weren’t sure you wanted to pick up. If you’re just there to, like, scout it out? I could be your date if you wanted to have an excuse to avoid people, but you could ditch me if you found someone interesting.”

  “And how are your hockey player friends going to treat you if they find out you went to a gay youth group?” Oliver sounded genuinely curious.

  I shrugged. “Not something you need to worry about.” He didn’t look convinced, so I added, “Not something I need to worry about, either. If they don’t like it, that’s their problem, not mine.”

  “Easy to say that when you’re six four and weigh over two hundred pounds,” Oliver retorted.

  I grinned at him. “Yup. It’s easy. So it’s not something we need to worry about. What do you say, baby? We going out?”

  Oliver looked over at Claudia, like he needed her permission, and I kind of liked that. I wasn’t s
ure what she’d told anybody, or whether he was just guessing, but either way, people were seeing a connection between the two of us.

  Claudia smiled at him. “I’m not sure if it’s a good strategic move, showing up with a guy, but if it makes you more comfortable, maybe it’s worth it. Your call.”

  “I’ll think about it,” he promised, then looked around the table before focusing back on Claudia. “So, speedy pants, you’re the only one who has completely finished her first challenge. What’s your next one going to be?”

  “I’m open to suggestions,” she said, and then the bell rang. I managed to get a little almost-alone time by walking her to her locker and opening the doors on either side of hers, making a cubby where I could kiss her in peace. But she shoved me off way too soon, saying something insane about not wanting to be late to class.

  I stood and watched as she hustled away down the hall, and I felt like I should be running after her, trying to catch up and just…I don’t know, just being with her, all day if she’d let me. Well, if the teachers would let me, which they probably wouldn’t. And Claudia wouldn’t appreciate the disruption to her studies. So I heaved myself off the locker I’d been leaning on and went to geography. But my thoughts were even further from my schoolwork than they usually were, and I couldn’t make myself worry about that.

  …

  Annalise was already in class by the time I got there. I’d almost forgotten about her and her squirrelly behavior. But not quite.

  I took my usual seat and gave her the coolest gaze I could come up with. For once, she wasn’t reading, just sitting there waiting for me. “Is there anything you want to say to my face?” I asked her.

  She shook her head, her jaw set stubbornly. “Just the same things I said to your mom. I’m worried about you. You aren’t acting like yourself. You’re letting yourself be influenced by people who don’t have your best interests in mind.”