by Perrin Briar
“Bill! Over here!” Liz said, waving him over to an empty seat at the front of the audience.
“Sorry I’m late,” Bill said. “I got off at the wrong stop.”
“It’s all right,” Ernest said. “It hasn’t started yet.”
Stagehands milled about on the stage, setting up the podiums. Bill joined his family with a smile on his face.
“You look happy,” Liz said.
“Do I?” Bill said.
“Something happen at the office?” Liz said.
“Nothing unusual,” Bill said. “Is everyone else here?”
Jack and Fritz sat with their arms crossed, staring into space.
“They’re here in spirit, at least,” Liz said.
Francis sat excitedly watching the preparation on the stage.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” a voice over the speakers said. “Please take your seats. The quiz is about to begin.”
“Good luck,” Bill said to Ernest, who climbed the stairs and went off-stage.
The audience settled down in their seats. A guy came out onto the stage, a thick-trunked man with a strong bearing.
“We’re very proud to present the final of the 2015 Bright Young Minds competition between Bern Comprehensive and Chucerne High School,” the man said. “They’ve each beaten off all comers and will today settle just who has the brightest young mind. Please welcome the students of Bern Comprehensive, and our very own Chucerne High School!”
The audience clapped as the two teams took to the stage, taking their places behind individual podiums.
“Hello everyone. My name’s Klaus Farber. I’m going to be your host this evening. We’re going to have a three-round winner-stays-on head-to-head. We’re going to begin with the captain of each team, that’s Ernest for the blues, Leon for the reds. On your buzzers. Here’s the first question: Isabel Archer is the title character of which novel by Henry James?”
Ernest hit his buzzer.
“Yes, Ernest?” Farber said.
“The Portrait of a Lady,” Ernest said.
“That’s correct,” Farber said.
The light above the opposing team’s captain went off and another came on, highlighting the second team member on the red team.
“You can choose the next topic, Ernest.” Farber said. “Sport or Music?”
“Music,” Ernest said.
“Who, in 1997, became the second pop or rock musician to be knighted?” Farber said.
Ernest hit his buzzer again.
“Paul McCartney,” he said.
“Correct,” Farber said.
The second red team member’s spotlight turned off, and another beamed down on the third team member.
“Your next subject: Sport or Humanities,” Farber said.
“Sport,” Ernest said.
“In the 1950s, which tennis player entered the Wimbledon Ladies’ singles championship three times, winning on each occasion?” Farber said.
Ernest hit his buzzer.
“Althea Gibson,” he said.
“Incorrect,” Farber said. “I will pass it over to the red team.”
The third member of the opposing team, a skinny boy with a bowl haircut, thought for a moment.
“I’m going to have to hurry you,” Farber said.
“Maureen Connolly?” the skinny boy said.
“Correct,” Farber said.
The light above Ernest went off, another lighting up Jenny.
“Please choose your next category,” Farber said. “Humanities or Film.”
“Film, please,” the skinny boy said.
“Which Alfred Hitchcock film of 1951 features Farley Granger as tennis star Guy Haines who finds himself involved in a murder plot?” Farber said.
Jenny hit her buzzer.
“Strangers on a Train,” she said.
“Correct,” Farber said. “Humanities or US Politicians?”
“US Politicians,” Jenny said.
“Which Secretary of State resigned from Jimmy Carter’s administration in 1980 over the failed attempt to rescue US hostages in Tehran?” Farber said.
Both contestants shook their heads.
“No?” Farber said. “The answer’s Cyrus Vance. Next question: To what political office was Dean Rusk appointed in 1961, as a result of which he played a leading role in the Cuban Missile Crisis the following year?”
There was a pause. Jenny shrugged and hit her buzzer.
“Jenny?” Farber said.
“Secretary of State?” Jenny said.
“Correct,” Farber said.
Jenny squealed with surprise and excitement.
“The reds have just one contestant remaining,” Farber said. “Stand by your buzzers. Jenny, choose the final category for this round, please. Humanities or Novels.”
“Novels,” Jenny said.
“The novels Midnight’s Children, The Thirty-Nine Steps, Robinson Crusoe and Tristram Shandy all open with which word?” Farber said.
Jenny hit her buzzer.
“I,” she said.
“Correct!” Farber said. “The blues have won the first round!”
The audience got to their feet, clapping.
“Congratulations!” Farber said. “But the blue team must win another round if they are to be victorious. Let’s take a short break.”
After ten minutes, during which Mr Kappel gave the Chucerne team a rousing pep talk, the students took their places behind their podiums once again.
The second round began like the first, with Ernest taking out the first two opposing contestants, but then a question on geology threw him, and he was out. Jenny took out one more contestant before joining Ernest in the dark. Yvonne and Bernd were out immediately. Then it was Tanja’s turn.
“Things certainly are heating up now!” Klaus said. “Each team has just one contestant remaining. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that if the Chucerne team answer correctly, they win. If the reds win, they win the round and stay in for a chance to win the competition.
“You took out Birgit on the last question, Tanja, so now it’s your turn to choose the category,” Farber said. “Culture or History?”
There was a long pause. Tanja’s eyes flickered from one option to the other.
“Culture,” she said.
Mr Kappel, sitting on the front row of the audience, squawked, his breath squeezed from his throat, eyes wide as saucers.
“In the Philippines, what are the names of traditional abodes on stilts?” Farber said.
Tanja hit her buzzer, lips curling up into a smile.
“They’re called Bahay Kubo, Balay or Nipa Huts,” she said.
“Correct,” Farber said.
The crowd roared and the host’s words were lost, and little multi-coloured squares of paper rained from above.
IV
The winning and losing team lined up beside one another. The losers were each given a bouquet of flowers, the winners a nine-carat gold medal. Ernest’s chest swelled with pride. He let himself feel it press against his chest as Klaus Farber placed it on over his head. Ernest spoke out of the corner of his mouth to Tanja.
“What made you choose Culture?” he said.
“I could have chosen History and still get it wrong,” Tanja said. “I’d rather lose on my own terms. Winning isn’t everything.”
“But we did win,” Ernest said.
“But what’s the point if we don’t learn anything from the experience?” Tanja said. “Now, gaining experience and wisdom. That’s the real prize. This is just an empty ritual of intelligence, showing each other how smart we are because we know some useless piece of information.”
“It’s not useless,” Ernest said. “It helped us win.”
“Win for what?” Tanja said.
Tanja held her medal between her thumb and forefinger.
“For this?” she said. “Why does this competition mean so much to you?”
“Previous winners have gone on to study at top universities,” Ernest sai
d.
“You don’t think you’ll end up going there anyway?” Tanja said.
“I don’t like to leave things up to chance,” Ernest said.
“You’re a smart, hardworking guy,” Tanja said. “I’m sure you could get into any university you wanted.”
“Life isn’t fair, unfortunately,” Ernest said. “It takes more than just hard work to get something you want.”
“You need luck,” Tanja said.
Ernest smiled.
“Exactly,” he said. “Just a little. Speaking of which, how did you know what a traditional hut in the Philippines was called?”
“Because I’ve slept in one,” Tanja said. “I’ve seen the world and experienced things. It’s much easier to learn things that way. It’s easy to get lost in your own little world. Look at Mr Kappel. He’s made this competition his life. But there’s a big world out there. We can’t just let our self-interest rule us, blinding us from seeing the bigger picture. People can work in miserable high-level positions, earn lots of money. But you know what? I’d rather be happy.”
“Will the winners please take a bow?” Farber said.
Ernest took Tanja’s hand and they bowed. The audience were on their feet, clapping with energy – none louder than the Robinsons.
Tanja released Ernest’s hand and crossed to the losing team. She shook the hand of each of them. Then she took one of the competitors aside – a girl who had been quietly sobbing to herself. They spoke in hushed whispers.
Ernest looked at the ceremony taking place: the tiny cheap pieces of coloured paper on the floor, a wayward nail sticking out of a podium, the self-aggrandising smirk on Mr Kappel’s face.
Why was it someone always managed to ruin a special event?
Bill
I
Bill signalled and pulled the car onto the road. There was silence from the other seats, everyone looking out their window, not really seeing the world as it flittered past.
“Everyone looks deep in thought tonight,” Bill said.
No one replied.
“Ernest, congratulations on the win,” Bill said.
“Thanks,” Ernest said, eyes on the world outside.
“Cheer up!” Bill said. “You won!”
“I know,” Ernest said, and then affixed a fake smile to his face.
“Then why aren’t you on top of the world right now?” Bill said.
“Because I’ve learnt nothing from this experience, except a headful of useless trivia I know I’ll never use again,” Ernest said.
“Then it’s not useless,” Bill said.
“There’s a girl on our team,” Ernest said. “She knows less than me, has a lower IQ, worse test scores… Yet she knows more than I do. How is that possible?”
Bill smiled.
“That’s only just dawned on you?” he said, chuckling. “Ernest, let me give you a priceless piece of information you’ll never learn in any of your textbooks: Women will always know more than you, no matter how smart or bright you are. They know it, and the sooner you know it, the easier life you’re going to have. Anything you’re thinking about saying they’ve already thought of, and anything you intend on doing they know too.”
Bill paused, a big grin on his face, waiting for a response from the others. None came.
“Well, I had an interesting conversation today,” he said. “Would anyone like to hear about it?”
No one replied.
“I suppose not,” Bill said. “Liz, how was your day?”
“Mm?” Liz said, a million miles away.
“I said, how was your day?” Bill said.
“Oh, you know,” Liz said. “The same as usual.”
Bill frowned.
“Fritz?” he said. “Fancy kicking a ball around for a while when we get home?”
“No, not tonight, Pa,” Fritz said.
“Jack?” Bill said.
“No, thanks,” Jack said.
“Francis?” Bill said.
Francis was fast asleep.
“What’s wrong with everyone today?” Bill said. “It’s a lovely night. Let’s do something! How about if I drive out of the valley and we do a short midnight hike? The moon’s bright, we’ll follow the stars!”
No one answered. Bill pressed his lips together. He turned on the radio.
“…Meanwhile there are concerns about containment,” the newsreader said. “The world’s leaders are convening this weekend to discuss ways to control it. But according to renowned biologist Max Stafford we may already be too late to take action-”
Bill turned the radio off.
“Nothing but good news, as usual,” he said, grumbling.
He pulled onto the driveway. Everyone got out and filed into the house. Bill stopped at the door on his way in, sighed, and then followed his family inside.
“Dinner will be ready in five minutes,” Liz said.
The boys ran upstairs. Liz and Bill prepared dinner. Bill made a salad while Liz added the remains of the previous day’s meal to a large frying pan. Liz had a distant expression on her face.
“Anything interesting happen today?” Bill said.
“Just Angel,” Liz said. “You know what she’s like.”
“She’s here?” Bill said. “What does she want?”
“Just to brag, as always,” Liz said.
The food sizzled noisily and wasn’t conducive to conversation. Liz moved to the bottom of the stairs and shouted up.
“Boys!” she said. “Dinner’s done!”
The boys came down and sat down for dinner, digging in, eating like they hadn’t eaten in a week. Fritz looked up at Liz.
“Mum, you’re a woman,” he said.
“Thanks for noticing,” Liz said.
“How do women think?” Fritz said.
The question took Liz aback.
“Err, well, like everyone else, I suppose,” she said.
Fritz shook his head.
“No,” he said. “I don’t think so.”
“How do they think, then?” Liz said.
“That’s my question to you,” Fritz said.
“We’re human,” Liz said. “Just like men. I suppose we think mostly the same way.”
“But you don’t, do you?” Fritz said. “I mean, there’s no rhyme or reason or logic to the way you think sometimes.”
“To you, perhaps,” Liz said. “But to women those decisions are perfectly logical. Give me an example situation.”
“If you were given the choice between a chocolate gateaux and a fairy cake, what would you choose?” Fritz said.
“The gateaux,” Liz said.
“But not everyone would,” Fritz said.
“No,” Liz said.
“Why not?” Fritz said.
“Not everyone likes chocolate gateaux,” Liz said.
Fritz sank back into his seat, deep in thought.
“But maybe she could be convinced she likes this particular chocolate gateaux, if you show her how delicious it is compared to others she’s had over the years,” Fritz said.
“I’m getting very confused by this analogy,” Liz said.
“Dad,” Jack said, “how does a man live without a purpose?”
“These are some mighty deep questions we’re getting tonight,” Bill said. “A man doesn’t live without a purpose, Jack. He needs something to focus on, to drive him, keep him going. Why?”
“Women too,” Liz said.
“Conceded,” Bill said.
“Just wondering,” Jack said, looking out the window toward the church spire.
Bill took a deep breath.
“Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you all about,” he said. “Our purpose here on this earth. Some people travel the world and see all sorts of interesting cultures and try all sorts of different types of food. Some things I never even knew people ate.”
But no one seemed to be paying any attention to him.
“Like a bull’s testicles,” he said. “And ostrich penises. I can�
��t imagine it tastes very good, but then I’m not much of a connoisseur on the subject.”
Still no reply.
“What’s wrong with you all tonight?” he said, slamming his fork down on the table, making them all jump. “I just handed you a perfectly good morsel to ridicule and I get nothing.”
“I heard you,” Ernest said. “But so what? Lots of people have travelled the world. The earth’s getting smaller every day. Type ‘ostrich penis’ into a search engine and you’ll get hundreds of videos of people eating it.”
“I’m not talking about watching it,” Bill said. “I’m talking about trying it ourselves.”
“You want to eat an ostrich’s penis?” Liz said.
“What?” Bill said. “Yes. I mean, no. I mean… There are things out there we have never experienced before. Wouldn’t you like to try something new?”
“I don’t think I’ve ever discussed eating an ostrich’s penis before,” Liz said. “That’s new to me. Does that count?”
“How would you all feel about moving somewhere far across the world?” Bill said.
The whole family looked up.
“What?” Fritz said. He turned to Liz. “Is this something you’ve talked about and decided without consulting us?”
“No,” Liz said. “This is the first I’m hearing it too.” She turned to Bill. “What are you talking about, Bill? Did something happen today?”
“No, nothing happened,” Bill said. “I’ve just been thinking a lot lately.”
“About a new life,” Liz said.
“About a new life for all of us,” Bill said.
“I don’t want a new life,” Fritz said. “You can keep your ostrich bits. I have my life here. My friends.”
“Ernest?” Bill said.
“I have my school, my studies,” Ernest said.
“They’ll have schools over there,” Bill said.
“They won’t be the same,” Ernest said.
“That’s the whole point,” Bill said.
“No,” Ernest said, folding his arms.
Bill turned to Francis.
“Francis?” he said. “Would you like to go see some wild monkeys? Some giraffes and rhinos?”
“Don’t try to blackmail him,” Liz said.
“I’m not,” Bill said. “I’m just trying to tell him about all the wonders out there to be seen. Liz?”