"What way? I was just asking if you had sex with her."
"Which you don't need to know."
"What the hell? We talk about that shit all the time."
"Yeah, well, we're not with her so shut up about it."
"Holy shit, you really like this girl."
"Yeah. I do."
"And she doesn't go to school?"
"She went for a year and a half. She's taking some time off right now. Something about her brother needing help paying rent." Now that I think about it, she never explained why her brother doesn't have a job. We don't really talk about her brother.
"Where'd she go to school?"
"Some community college in Cincinnati."
"Your parents are gonna freak when they find out."
"I don't give a shit. It's none of their business."
"They're still gonna be pissed. Their son dating a community college dropout? Just imagine your mom trying to explain that to her friends."
"I doubt my parents will ever meet her. They probably won't even be back here until I graduate."
"Shit, you're right. If you're not playing football, your dad won't—" He stops, then coughs a little.
"Want to come see me," I say finishing his thought. "You can say it. We both know my dad thinks I'm worthless if I'm not on the team."
"Sorry, man. I didn't mean to throw salt in the wound."
"It's already there. He did that on his last visit. He made it clear I'm no good to him without a football in my hand."
"Speaking of football, I'll be moving back for practice in a few weeks. Probably the end of the month. Derek and I are already planning the parties."
"Count me out. I'm not showing up on crutches."
"Come on, Ethan. That's stupid. It's not a secret you broke your leg."
"I'm the quarterback. I'm their leader. I can't be seen as being weak and broken down."
"We're all broken down at some point or another. It's football. Everyone gets injured. You could've broken your leg playing the game."
"But I didn't. And it wasn't just a simple fracture."
"Any news on how it's healing?"
"No, but I see the doctor tomorrow. I'm hoping he'll say I can start using the crutches."
"And then you'll finally leave the house?"
"I don't know yet. We'll see."
"Ethan, I know you don't want people seeing you injured but you gotta get out of that house. You've been stuck in there for almost two months."
"Yeah? So? It's been nice to finally get some quiet time without people bothering me." It's a lie. Being stuck in this house sucks, but it's better than going out and having people talk about me. "And tomorrow I'll see the doctor so that counts as leaving the house."
"Do you have a ride?"
"I told you, Coach takes me."
He mumbles a curse word.
"What? What is it?"
"Why do you keep lying to me?" He sounds pissed. And hurt.
"I'm not lying."
"I talked to Coach yesterday. He said he hasn't been giving you rides. He said you won't even come to the door when he stops by."
"Because I don't want to see him. I'm not ready to."
"Why? You love Coach. We all do."
"If I talk to him, all he'll want to do is talk about my future in football and whether I'll be able to play. I don't want to deal with that shit right now. At this point, it's anyone's guess if I'll play again, so why sit around talking about it?"
"You could talk about other stuff."
"Just leave it alone, all right?"
He sighs. "Fine. So who's been taking you to the doctor?"
"I take a cab."
"I don't get you, man. Why don't you just let people help you?"
"I don't need help. I can get to a doctor's appointment by myself."
"Sometimes you need someone there for support."
"Maybe you do, but not me. You forget that I grew up with parents who acted like I didn't exist. I'm used to doing stuff on my own."
"Still. I could've been there for you. All you had to do was call."
"Thanks, but I'm good." I glance around at the mess in my bedroom. "I gotta go. Can we talk later this week?"
"Sure. Good luck at your appointment tomorrow. Let me know how it goes."
"I will. See ya."
Jackson's always nagging me about getting out of the house. I know he means well but he doesn't understand. If I leave the house, I'll be under a damn microscope. Everyone will be watching me, placing bets on whether I'll play again. And some of them might contact the sports media, and then I'll have even more people speculating about my future.
I don't need that. I can't deal with it. I've got enough scenarios running in my head, trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. So far, I keep coming back to football. It's all I know. It's all I'm good at. Even if I'm tired of it, even if it no longer makes me as happy as it once did, it's all I have. And if I lose it, I have no future.
Chapter Twelve
Becca
"Did you see Heather yesterday?" I ask Mike as we make breakfast.
"Before we talk about me, let's talk about you. What happened last night?"
"I went to see Ethan." I take the orange juice from the fridge.
"Are you two a thing now or what?"
"We're just friends. Like you said, he could use a friend right now."
"A friend who goes to his house at midnight? Sounds more like a booty call."
"It wasn't a booty call. He didn't even know I was coming over. I hadn't talked to him all day so I decided to just stop by and see how he was doing. I was only there a few minutes." I get some glasses out and pour the juice. "Mike, you've gotta stop this. You don't have to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times. When you were overseas, I took care of myself just fine, without anyone looking out for me."
"But now I'm here, and as your brother, it's my job to keep you safe."
"Actually, it's not." I hand Mike his orange juice. "And besides, what exactly do you think Ethan's going to do? He's not dangerous."
"I'm not worried about him hurting you physically. I'm worried about him breaking your heart. He's not the type of guy to be in a relationship, which makes me question his motives when it comes to you. You're a pretty girl, and guys like him go after pretty girls, especially when they don't have to work hard."
"What are you trying to say? That I'm easy to take advantage of?"
"No, of course not. But you're kind and compassionate and always want to help people. I don't want Ethan using that to get to you."
"He's not. And who's to say I'm not the one pushing this? Maybe I like him as more than a friend."
"Then you're setting yourself up to get hurt." I give him an angry look. "I'm sorry, Becca, but it's the truth. Ethan's a football star. Headed for the pros. I don't know the guy, but I'm sure he's got a pretty big ego. It's almost impossible not to when you're that young and getting that much attention from the media. Sports agents. Girls. The guy's got a lot going for him. He's focused on his future and what he needs to do to make it to the pros. He's not going to get into a relationship and settle down."
I'm tempted to tell Mike what Ethan said about not liking football as much as he used to, but Ethan doesn't want anyone knowing that so I keep it to myself.
"Ethan may not even play again," I point out.
"Maybe not in college, but that doesn't mean he can't keep training and try to go pro. His dad's an agent. He's gonna make sure his son gets signed by a team."
Again, I wish I could tell Mike how Ethan and his dad don't agree on his future, but that's not my secret to tell.
"Becca, I'm not saying you can't be friends with the guy. I'm just saying to leave it at that. Don't try to be more than friends. You'll just end up getting hurt."
"It's my decision to make, not yours." I hand him a box of cereal. "You don't know Ethan the way I do. He's not the guy you think he is."
Mike sighs as he pours cerea
l in his bowl.
Choosing to ignore his disapproval, I switch topics. "So what about Heather? Did you see her?"
"Yeah. We had dinner last night. She offered to make it but I took her out instead."
I smile. "So you went on a date. An actual date."
He grins. "I guess you could call it that."
"Did you do anything afterward?"
"We walked around the park. Then we sat on a bench and talked. She likes being outdoors."
"Just like you. Sounds like you guys have a lot in common."
"Yeah, I think there might be something there."
I hope so. He really needs this. A new relationship is the only way he's going to move on from Tricia.
Later that morning, as I'm finishing up at a house, my boss calls to tell me I have the afternoon off because the homeowners cancelled their scheduled cleaning.
With my afternoon free, I call up Ethan.
"Hey. What are you doing?"
"Just having lunch. Are you on break?"
"I just finished up at a house. The next house cancelled so I'm free for the afternoon. You want to do something? I could come over."
"I have that doctor's appointment."
"Oh, yeah, I forgot." I know he'll probably turn me down but I ask anyway. "Why don't I take you to your appointment? Then you won't have to take a cab."
"That's all right. I already called and arranged for them to pick me up."
"So call them back and tell them you no longer need a ride. You'll save on cab fare."
"It's not that expensive. And I have the money. My parents add money to my bank account every month."
How great would that be? To have money deposited in your account without having to work for it? If only his parents would be actual parents and not just a source of income.
"It's not just about the money," I tell him. "I want to take you."
"And I don't want you to," he says in a clipped tone.
"I won't go in the room with you. I'll just hang out in the waiting room."
"I like taking a cab."
"But it'd be a lot easier for you to get in and out of my van."
"I said no!" His voice is raised and he's breathing hard.
I pause to let him cool down. Why does he get this way? He's so hot and cold.
"Then I guess I'll see you tomorrow. Bye, Ethan."
He doesn't say goodbye so I just end the call. I don't understand why he gets so angry whenever I offer to help. I really don't like that about him.
I go home and change clothes and have lunch, trying to decide how to spend my rare afternoon off. Although it's boring, a nap sounds good. I never get enough sleep.
My phone rings. It's Ethan. I'm mad at him for how he treated me earlier and consider not answering, but then I do.
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry," he says. "I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just nervous about my appointment."
"I understand, but you don't have to take it out on me."
"I know, which is why I'm calling to say I'm sorry." He pauses. "Do you think maybe you could still take me?"
"Sure. What time do you need to be there?"
"Two-thirty."
Checking the clock, I see it's just after one. "I'll be there around two."
"Is there any way you could come over now? Like I said, I'm kind of nervous and you have a way of making me feel calm."
I smile. "Because of what we do when I'm there?"
"No. That makes me feel something else." He chuckles, then gets serious. "It's you. Being around you makes me feel calm."
Getting up from the table, I take my plate to the sink. "Give me a few minutes and then I'll leave."
"Thanks, Becca."
"No problem. See you soon."
I make him feel calm? Does that mean he normally feels anxious? It makes sense that he would, given his uncertain future and all the pressure he's under from his father. But why do I make him feel calm?
When I arrive at his house, I find that it's cleaner than usual. No clothes tossed on the furniture. No dishes left out.
"You cleaned?" I ask.
He pulls me down to the couch for a kiss. "The less time you have to spend cleaning, the more time I get to spend with you."
We kiss again, and keep it up until it's time to leave for his appointment.
"Don't you want to bring these?" I point to the crutches that are leaning against the wall.
"No. I don't want to jinx anything."
"We could just keep them in the van."
"I'd rather not. I don't know what's going to happen today and I don't want to get my hopes up."
He's getting nervous again. I can sense it. He was fine when I got here but now he's anxious, wanting to get this over with. He hasn't said anything about the appointment so I don't exactly know what it is he's worried about and I'm not sure if I should ask.
"Ethan." I stand in front of him before he goes outside.
"What?"
"It's going to be fine."
He nods but doesn't say anything. We go out to the driveway and get in the van.
On the way to the clinic, he says, "Today is when I find out if I'll need more surgery."
"Oh. I didn't know they were considering surgery."
"If it isn't healing right, then yeah. Then I'll be stuck in the chair even longer."
I reach over and hold his hand. "That's not gonna happen."
He looks away, out the side window.
At the clinic, I sit in the waiting room while Ethan sees the doctor. Mike calls while I'm waiting. He wasn't at the apartment when I was there during lunch.
"Hey. I'm going out tonight," he says. "I don't know what time I'll be home."
"Why are you telling me this? You know I don't get off work until midnight."
"I might be out later than that. Heather and I are going to the late movie after she gets off work."
"Another date?" I smile. "That's two in a row. And during the week. This is getting serious."
He ignores my teasing. "Just wanted to let you know where I'd be. I don't want to bother you at work so I'll let you go."
"I'm not at work. The homeowners cancelled today's cleaning."
"So where are you?"
"At Ethan's doctor's appointment. He's in there now. I'm in the waiting room."
"You took him to the doctor?"
"He didn't have anyone else to take him." I whisper it so the people next to me won't hear. They saw Ethan go in and I'm sure they know who he is. I don't want them spreading rumors about him.
"Sounds like something a girlfriend would do," Mike says.
"Or a friend."
"I'm just kidding. It was nice of you to take him. Becca, I gotta go. Text me when you get home from work tonight so I don't worry."
"Exactly how late do you plan to be out?"
"I'm playing it by ear. Maybe we'll get something to eat after the movie."
"Which is code for going to her place," I say, laughing to myself.
"Bye, Becca," he says in his annoyed-with-me voice. He gets annoyed when I tease him about his love life, even though he does it to me all the time.
After we hang up, I go find a vending machine and get a bottle of water. Before he went in to see the doctor, Ethan gave me a $10 bill and told me to go get a coffee somewhere so I wasn't stuck here at the clinic, but I didn't want to leave and have him waiting for me. Still, it was a nice gesture. When he's not in one of his moods, he can be really nice.
An hour goes by and I start to get concerned. What's taking so long? Just as I'm thinking that, he appears in the waiting room.
"Ready to go?" he asks, wheeling his chair over to me.
"You're smiling," I say, keeping my voice down because the people across from me are watching us. "Does that mean—"
"Wait until we're in the car."
Once we're in the van he says, "The doctor said I could start using the crutches and that I'll be able start physical therapy in a week or two."
&
nbsp; "That's great!"
"Yeah. I might even be able to toss the football around at practice."
He still wants to play football? But he said it doesn't make him happy. It's not the time to talk about that so I don't.
"Want to go somewhere to celebrate?" I ask as we're sitting at a stoplight.
"No. Let's just go home."
"You don't have to use the chair anymore. I thought that was the reason you didn't want to go out."
"I don't feel like going out. Not right now."
"Okay." I turn down the road that heads back to his house. He seems moody again. Whenever the topics of football or his leg come up, he gets moody.
Back at his house, he tries out the crutches. "Feels good to stand up again."
I watch as he moves through the living room. "You're good with those. You don't even wobble."
"I broke my ankle in eighth grade. Had to use crutches for a few weeks." He makes his way back to me. "Now I don't have to reach up to kiss you. I can bend down, like I should've been doing."
He's a good ten inches taller than me. I'm not used to having to look up at him.
We kiss and make our way to the couch, where we kiss some more until I have to leave for my shift at The Chicken Shack.
As I get up, he pulls me back down. "Wait."
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry I was such an ass today. It was only because I was afraid of what I'd find out."
I nod. "I know."
He looks at me with those deep brown eyes. "Thank you for driving me. And coming with. I was so freaking nervous. It really helped to have you there."
"Any time."
He kisses me. "Have a good night. Call me later, okay?"
"I will."
As I'm leaving, I feel happy but confused. On the one hand, I feel like we're becoming closer. Like he's sharing things with me that he wouldn't share with anyone else. But then he gets moody and pushes me away and I get confused. I feel like he's shutting me out but I don't know why.
It's that constant push and pull that has me thinking this will never go anywhere. And maybe it won't. Maybe I just need to accept this for what it is. Just a short term fling. A summer romance.
***
The following afternoon, I head to Ethan's house to clean. It's the first time I've actually looked forward to one of my cleaning jobs. I thought of wearing regular clothes instead of my uniform but then decided to just wear it. Besides, I think Ethan secretly likes it.
Holding On Page 12