Now he turned to face Lance, brushed the hair from around his face, and Lance saw the truth in his destitute brown eyes, the truth he’d suspected, but had never seen confirmed until now.
“Kai,” he said quietly.
Dakota nodded. “You see how dishonorable I am? I’m no warrior. I made fun of Two-Spirits my whole life. I… I made fun of Kai when we were kids, Lance, with my friends.” His voice trembled with remorse. He laughed a bitter laugh. “I think my mother knew about me since I was little. She’d give me this look when all I’d ever talk about was Laughs A Lot and would he be at the next powwow and how I didn’t wanna go to them if he wasn’t there. I didn’t know what it meant till later, and then I tried to hide it.”
“You sound like me,” Lance said, his voice a whisper, painful memories welling up within him. “I thought I couldn’t be a real man if I, you know, liked boys like that.”
“My whole life I wanted to be a warrior like my ancestors and fight the white man for crimes against my people. I… I just wanted everyone to see me as tough and manly, you know?”
Lance felt his past fears flooding in on him, the ones he’d finally, for the most part, conquered when he admitted his love for Ricky. “You’re as badass as they come, Dakota,” he offered with conviction. “So’s Kai.”
Dakota nodded, his cheeks streaked with dampness.
“He doesn’t know how you feel?” Lance asked softly.
Dakota shook his head. “I thought he’d figure it out. I never been good with words, Lance. Like you didn’t know that, huh?” He tossed off another bitter laugh. “But, I mean, what thirteen-year-old boy dances with another thirteen-year-old boy, right? He should know. Maybe he does, but I just don’t, you know, do it for him. ‘Sides, he’s into Ricky. Can’t you tell?”
Lance reacted with surprise, though he knew he shouldn’t have. Kai’s long-standing interest in Ricky was pretty transparent. He forced calm into his voice and said, with a bit of tightness, “Yeah, well Ricky’s taken.”
Dakota bowed his head in shame. Once Lance quelled the terrifying possibility of losing Ricky to someone else, he thought back on all of his time with the two Indians. He’d soul whispered Kai and found conflicting emotions running through the boy. Yeah, there was the obvious attraction to Ricky. Lance could readily understand that. But there was something else. He recalled that incredible drawing Kai had made for Dakota’s birthday. He remembered furtive looks and uncertain gestures, especially over the summer when they’d been messing around in the pool. He recalled the hidden fear in the other’s eyes during those furtive moments.
“I learned something a while back,” he finally said, and Dakota turned to face him. “But I learned it too late to help Mark. It’s the things we don’t say to each other that make the biggest difference.”
Dakota’s eyes widened with surprise.
“I think you should tell Kai the truth,” Lance added, placing one hand on the young man’s shoulder. Dakota practically shook at the touch, though whether from the alcohol or fear he didn’t know.
“Tell Kai what truth?” they both heard at that moment, and turned to find Kai standing between towering racks of wine, squinting suspiciously at their closeness, at Lance’s hand on Dakota’s shoulder. Lance quickly pulled it away.
“I came looking for you guys and saw the lights on in the kitchen,” Kai said by way of explanation, his brown eyes scrutinizing Lance and then shifting to Dakota, who’d lowered his head again and refused to look up.
“I, uh, I’ll let you guys talk,” Lance said as he stood and nudged Dakota with his foot. The young Indian tilted his eyes upward and the imploring, almost helpless, look on his face touched Lance deeply. “It’ll be okay, Dakota. Trust me.” Then he turned and swept past Kai, disappearing amongst the wine racks.
In the pervasive silence that followed Lance’s retreating footfalls, Kai gingerly approached Dakota, who looked back down at the floor, shamefaced.
“You guys were sitting kinda close,” he said, an edge creeping into his voice despite his best efforts not to let it. “What’s going on?”
Dakota looked up at him and Kai saw the remnants of tears, the blurry red eyes, and he looked at the bottles, the two empty and the full one Dakota clutched tightly in his hands. Dakota lowered his head and let his hair hide him.
Uncertainly, Kai sat beside his friend, but not as close as Lance had been. He knew too well Dakota’s feelings toward boys like him. He’d seen Dakota drunk once before, at the last powwow when both of them were thirteen. Alcohol was strictly forbidden and to this day he didn’t know how Dakota managed to smuggle it in.
“What are you supposed to tell me?” Kai asked, almost breathlessly. He could only just imagine. “That you can’t work with me any more cuz I’m Two-Spirit? That I’m not man enough to be a real Indian? What? Tell me, I can take it.” He knew he sounded bitter and petulant, but he couldn’t help it.
Dakota glanced up quickly, his eyes swimming with guilt. “Nothing like that. I told you before. You’re the real warrior, not me.”
Now Kai was confused. “Then what?”
Dakota couldn’t face him, so he focused on his own hands clasped tightly around the bottle in his lap. “Didn’t you ever wonder why I only danced with you?” His voice came out like a breath of wind, wispy and uncertain, and his fingers gripped the bottle more intensely.
Those words threw Kai for a loop. His mind raced to retrieve the memories. “We danced with everybody,” he said to fill the silence. But did we?
Dakota shook his head, but still didn’t raise his eyes. “You did. I only danced once. The last dance. With–”
“Me,” Kai blurted in shock and sudden realization. He’d been such a social butterfly, chatting up everyone, dancing with every girl who asked him, that he’d somehow thought Dakota had done the same. But now the memories flooded his mind, going all the way back to when he was six. He’d be dancing around the fire and feel eyes on him. Whenever he’d look up there would be Dakota siting off by himself, not talking with anyone, just watching him. Until the tribal leader called for the final dance of the powwow. Only then would Dakota rise and come to him. And only then did the event feel complete.
Dakota looked up now, his angular features pinched with remorse. “I volunteered to come to New Camelot cuz I knew you’d be here,” he admitted, his voice struggling for clarity against the alcohol. “Yeah, they wanted me off the rez and yeah I thought being a knight would be cool. But only if I could be a knight with… you.”
Kai’s breath seemed to catch in his throat. “But you always made fun of me.”
Dakota looked away. “Cuz I’m an asshole. I always been an asshole.”
Kai wanted to reach out, wanted to touch the other boy, desperately feeling the need for that basic human contact Lance always talked about. But he was too afraid. “You’re not an asshole.”
Dakota did not lift his eyes, would not look at him. His hands gripped the neck of the bottle, the fingers squeezing and unsqueezing, and his gaze remained fixed on them. “Yeah, I am. I made fun of you and other Two-Spirits on the rez and all the time I was… I thought the alcohol would help me forget what I was. But all it did was kill my brother.”
Kai sucked in a shocked breath.
Still staring at his twisting and untwisting hands, Dakota haltingly told of his drunken crime against the younger brother he loved.
A deep poignant silence fell between them when he finished, and Kai honestly didn’t know what to say. All that guilt, the heavy burden Dakota had been carrying around these past four years; he couldn’t imagine how that felt.
“I’m sorry, Dakota,” Kai murmured softly, his heart pounding with anguish. “I never knew.”
Dakota sighed. “Because it wasn’t spoken of by my people. Did you ever ask about me when I didn’t show up anymore?”
Kai vividly remembered the emptiness in the pit of his stomach that first powwow without Dakota, when he’d been fourteen. “They just said you a
nd your mother and brother weren’t able to come and my mom said not to ask more questions cuz that wasn’t the Indian way.”
“I destroyed my family and now I don’t have one,” Dakota whispered, his voice laced with sadness, and such an intense loneliness that Kai almost wanted to cry.
“That’s not true,” he said, his heart hammering in his chest. “You have me and Arthur and Jenny and Lance and Ricky. We’re your family now.”
Dakota didn’t respond, and Kai could tell his thoughts were on the younger brother whose life he’d recklessly stolen.
“You’re the only one, Laughs A Lot,” Dakota whispered, gaze still lowered.
Kai pulled an uncertain face. “Only one what?”
Now Dakota looked up, his damp brown eyes agonizingly sad and very afraid. “The only one who ever did it for me.” He laughed, another sad and bitter laugh that touched Kai to the heart. “I think I loved you from the start, before I even knew what it was. Can a six-year-old be in love? I guess so, cuz that’s when I fell for you. Crazy, huh? And then I spent the rest of my life pushing you away.”
In a sudden burst of fury he flung the bottle of wine against the opposite wall, where it shattered and splashed outward like a purple fireworks display and dribbled aimlessly down to the stone floor.
Kai jumped in surprise.
“Fuck it, Laughs A Lot, fuck all of it!” Dakota spat bitterly, his tone one of self-loathing. “I disgraced my people and I have no honor. These people are too good for me. You’re too good for me. It’s time I leave.” He stood on shaky legs, and began to stumble in the direction of the stairs.
Kai threw out a hand, grasped one of Dakota’s in his, and gripped it tightly, halting the boy’s forward lurch. Dakota staggered, and then turned in surprise to gaze questioningly at his hand held tightly within Kai’s.
Kai’s heart thundered in his chest, and he could barely breathe. “Your tribal council told my tribal council you were coming here,” he said, gulping nervously. “That’s why I volunteered. I mean, yeah, I thought Lance and Arthur were cool and I already knew about Lance and Ricky being, you know, Two-Spirit.” Then he locked eyes with the stunned boy whose hand he held. “But mostly I wanted to see you again. Every powwow without you, well, sucked. I always thought I was having fun before, but now I know it was only cuz you were there. I might have danced with everyone, Dakota, but you’re the only one I ever wanted.”
Dakota stared in silence at their clasped hands, digesting Kai’s words, filtering them through the alcohol in his brain. “Kai, are you telling me…?”
Kai stood and shyly faced his childhood friend. “Have you ever kissed anyone, Cloudy Boy?”
Dakota nervously shook his head. “But you like Ricky… I seen you….”
Kai smiled sadly. “I mostly checked him out so you wouldn’t see me looking at you.”
Dakota was stunned as the realization seeped through his brain and lodged itself firmly in his heart.
“Can I kiss you?” Kai asked, a hesitant smile gracing his thin lips.
Dakota didn’t trust himself to speak, so he just nodded. They leaned in to one another and gently pressed their lips together. The touch was like a jolt of energy to both boys, and suddenly their lips felt so perfect together that they couldn’t understand how they’d stayed apart for so long.
When finally they forced themselves to separate and catch their breath, both felt weak in the knees. Dakota staggered slightly and Kai had to support him in his arms. Dakota smiled as he felt the hard muscles of the other’s arms holding him upright. “You’re stronger than you look, Laughs A Lot,” he said with a shy grin. “And you kiss good too.”
Kai grinned right back. “So do you, Cloudy Boy.”
Then Dakota began to sag even more. “I’m pretty fucked up right now. Sorry.”
Kai merely shushed him. “I’ll help you upstairs. You’ll be fine tomorrow.”
Dakota smiled gratefully. Slowly and carefully, Kai supported his friend as they made their way between the racks of wine to the stairs. He gently helped the other man navigate those stairs. Dakota seemed on the verge of passing out as they steered their way haltingly through the lobby, and Kai had to strain and heave to get Dakota up to the second floor.
When they got to Lance’s door, it was open and a sweating Kai half-dragged, half-pulled the now swooning Dakota into the room. Lance and Ricky were sitting on the bed talking when the Indians entered, and leapt up quickly to help.
“Let’s get him onto his bed,” Lance said, grabbing one side of Dakota while Kai held onto the other. Ricky sprinted a few feet ahead to the bed and yanked back the coverings. Lance and Kai gently sat Dakota down and then laid him onto his back. Ricky pulled off the boy’s moccasins and set them on the floor while Lance reached for Dakota’s shirt.
“You’re gonna undress him?” Kai asked, appalled, his voice tinged with jealousy. Even Ricky looked over sharply at that.
Lance reddened at the implication. “Just his shirt. Otherwise he’ll sweat something crazy during the night. Trust me, I know.”
That seemed to mollify Kai, and the three boys slipped the tunic up and over Dakota’s head, revealing his sweat-drenched torso. “Wow, he’s sweating a lot already,” Kai said, his voice tight with emotion. “Is there anything I can do for him, Lance?”
Lance looked down at the half-awake, half-asleep young man and shook his head. “Let him sleep it off.”
Then Lance looked over at Ricky and offered a sad smile. “Look familiar?”
Ricky nodded. He well remembered Lance’s drunken nights, and shivered at those memories.
Dakota’s eyes opened and he focused on the three boys standing above him. The bleary red orbs fixed a moment on Lance and he smiled. “Thank you, Lance. You’re a wise chief.”
“I guess that means you told him, huh?”
Dakota nodded, and then shifted his gaze to Kai, who stood eyeing him with concern. Dakota reached out a hand and Kai’s met it half way. They stared deeply at one another.
Lance turned to Ricky and grinned.
Ricky grinned right back. “Us Two-Spirits are gonna outnumber the single spirits around here pretty soon,” he said with a laugh.
Lance pulled a face and shoved him. “Dumbass.”
Ricky shoved him back. “Dumber ass.”
Kai laughed, and this time Dakota joined him.
Lance and Ricky hung out in Ricky’s room to give the guys some time alone. Kai wanted to stay with Dakota until the other fell asleep. After about fifteen minutes he stepped through the connecting door into Ricky’s room and approached the boys, who lounged lazily on the bed. Kai looked happier than either boy had ever seen him.
“I don’t know what you said to him, Lance, but thank you, thank you, thank you!” He bowed respectfully and couldn’t stop grinning.
Ricky piped up with, “Yep, that’s the boy I love–Soul Whisperer to the Stars.”
Lance shoved Ricky away from him. “Go to bed, fool, ’fore any more of your brain leaks out.”
Ricky and Kai laughed.
†††
When Lance awoke the following morning, he crawled out of bed to check on Dakota. The young man must’ve dreamt of his brother because several times during the night he’d called out in his native language, sounding achingly sad and guilt-ridden. Lance had risen each time to sit on the edge of the bed and hold his clammy hand. Dakota’s sweat-sheened face and torso glistened even in the shadowy darkness and he tossed and turned restlessly. Gradually, as Lance spoke soothing words to him, Dakota would drift back into sleep.
As Lance went to him that morning, the connecting door to Ricky’s room flew open and Kai padded in, wearing a pair of shorts he’d been given for his birthday. He hurried to the bed to gaze down with concern at his friend. “How is he?”
Lance stretched to pull the sleepiness from his muscles, and sighed. “He had bad dreams, but I sat with him and he settled back down.”
“Probably about his brother.”
>
“He told you about that?”
“Yeah. No wonder he hates himself so much.” Kai sighed heavily. “We gotta keep him sober, Lance, at least till he accepts how much we care about him.”
Lance pulled his gaze from the sleeping Dakota and fixed it on Kai. “I know. But he has you now and he knows it. Ricky saved me just by being Ricky. Hopefully, you can do the same for him.”
Kai smiled wanly. “I’ll do my best.”
Later, after Dakota had finally arisen and showered, he clearly had a raging hangover, which both Lance and Ricky could relate to, but the Indian didn’t complain. He’d had more than his share growing up and this one was no different. Lance offered to let him skip weapons practice for the day and he smiled at that.
He did join the others in the Computer Lab to continue networking with people about the CBOR. He and Kai sat close together and continued their outreach to Native tribes.
While Lance and Ricky were fielding questions about specific amendments, Dakota rose from his own station and came to them, standing sheepishly beside Lance, his young features drawn and haggard looking. He stood there looking at them uncertainly.
Lance studied the young man’s pensive expression. “Everything okay?”
Dakota shuffled his feet nervously. “I just wanted to thank you guys, ’specially you, Lance. I’m… proud… to be your carnal.”
Clearly overcome by emotion, he turned quickly away and returned to Kai, who eyed him with obvious concern. Lance stared openmouthed as Kai took Dakota’s hand and just held it securely while the Indian sat quietly and regained control.
Lance turned to Ricky and grinned.
†††
The remainder of the year passed in a similar manner. Arthur and the family ceased their neighborhood visits since progress was evident throughout L.A. Alcohol addiction remained an enormous problem, but more for adults than kids. It appeared that fewer teens seemed to be experimenting with heavy drinking or drugs, perhaps as a result of becoming more fully and productively engaged within their neighborhoods, but Lance felt certain it was a further testament to what his dad had initiated.
And The Children Shall Lead Page 36