by Kym Brunner
When I’d ridden far enough out of sight, I stopped my ATV and grabbed my binoculars from around my neck. I scanned the tree line for the hawk I’d seen before, but couldn’t spot my Flip look-alike anywhere. “Where are you, buddy?” I continued to scour, extending my field a bit farther this time, but still no luck. “Damn it! He’s gone!”
“I’m sorry, Mercer.”
I ignored her apology, my anger resurfacing, this time at myself. Why hadn’t I just gone after Flip instead of stopping to yell at Lucy? I’d screwed up yet again! Frustration was building up inside me, ready to explode. The pain of losing Flip was so immense, I couldn’t believe I had thought, for even one second, about letting him go to get Lucy to kiss me again. Talk about being immature. I finally understood what Weasel and Dad and Lincoln and, yes, even Reed, had been trying to tell me—to find a girl who liked me just the way I was, falconry and all.
If I was lucky enough to find Flip, I would go to that falconry meet next weekend and win that Best Apprentice pin. But I’d do it for me—not to prove anything to anyone else.
Now that the red-tailed hawk I’d spotted was nowhere to be found, I needed to find out what Lucy was doing here with me. I slid my butt off the seat enough so I could look at her face to face. “Why are you here, Lucy?”
A horrible thought occurred to me after I’d asked my question and she struggled to meet my eyes—could this be some sort of trap? “I have lots of reasons, but . . .” She looked back toward her house and then back at me, both fear and despair woven inseparably through those sage green eyes I’d once fantasized about. “Can you please keep driving? I’m scared my Dad’s going to come after me.”
“No, not until I know that you’re not screwing with me. Like I’m out driving around with you while your parents and their buddies are off burning down my house or something.”
She shook her head violently. “God, no! They’d never do that! My parents might be a little fanatical, but he’d never do anything horrible like that. Seriously.”
“You call breaking and entering someone’s property a little fanatical?” I slid off the seat more now, half standing. This conversation needed my full attention.
Lucy held a trembling hand over her mouth, tears streaming out. “Okay, yes. They're crazy, but I know they would never have done what they did if they thought for a second that any of the birds could get hurt.”
“You’re defending them now?” I asked, incredulous. I was about to tell her to get the hell off my bike, when she gripped my arm, hard.
“No, I’m not! Please, Mercer. Just like you said to me on the bus, you are not your mom, and I’m not my dad. You love them because they’re your parents, but you can have different beliefs. That’s exactly how I am.” She swallowed hard, with tears dripping out of her eyes faster than she could wipe them away. But this time, she kept my gaze.
I sighed seeing how much pain she was in, and relaxed a bit. I believed in my gut that she was telling me the truth, and prayed she was right about her father’s limits. “All right, fine, but what about you? Why’d you come with me? Are you planning to try to get me to change my mind about rescuing the birds or something? Because if that’s the case, you can walk home now. It’s not happening.”
She shook her head, staring at me intently. “No, please. That’s not it. That’s not it at all.” She glanced down at her hands briefly and took a deep breath. “Look. After my big speech on Friday night about honesty, I feel compelled to tell you something about me.”
That didn’t sound good. My heart pounded. I wondered what horrible truth she’d reveal. Had she been faking her interest in me all along so she could find out about my father? Had Reed asked her out at Starbucks after I’d left? The scenarios got worse the longer I conjured them up, so I decided to let her put me out of my misery. “All right, shoot.”
She picked at her chipped nail polish, not making eye contact. “You probably think I love everything about HALT, but I don’t.” She glanced at me briefly before turning back to her nails. “I mean, I do love animals and enjoy going to protests whenever I think we can make a difference. And sometimes we do. We’ve made companies—whole industries, even—change the way they do things so animals are treated humanely. I’m proud I helped. That’s the part I love.”
“Go on,” I said warily. I didn’t really want to hear any more HALT propaganda, and yet, I couldn’t help connecting with what she said. It was exactly what I had tried to communicate to my father.
She paused, as if agonizing over what she was going to say. “But I absolutely hate when HALT does kamikaze protest stuff—like destroying science labs worth millions of dollars or freeing minks from a mink farm, only to have them creamed by cars on the highway a mile later. That’s the kind of thing that makes me angry—when HALT goes too far and makes things worse, like what they did to you.” She looked at me and shrugged, wiping away a tear on her shoulder. “So that’s why I’m here. I can’t erase what my parents did, but I’ll feel better if I help you rescue your birds.”
I looked away, wondering what to do. The question was, Would I feel better if I let her help me? And if I let her help, would she think I’d changed my mind about HALT and what they had done to my family? I hated making decisions like this because I seemed to always make the wrong one, at least in my dad’s eyes. I tilted my head back, taking a deep breath. “I don’t know, Lucy. I can’t—”
She put her hand on my thigh. “Please, Mercer. Let me help. It’s not my fault my parents have such strong beliefs. They’ll do these crazy things to make themselves feel good. Please. I want to help rescue those disabled birds.”
My heart melted a little against my will, not to mention that the hand-on-thigh placement was making me feel good too—albeit in a very different way. I coughed, conjured up the image of Monocle, and things quickly settled down. Though I wanted to hate Lucy and her family for everything they stood for, the truth was, her family and mine weren’t that different—at least not when it came down to standing firm on our beliefs.
“When you say that in that way, it reminds me of my parents,” I admitted. “They’re both so into their jobs, they get lost in it and forget about normal life. Seriously. Their anniversary weekend getaway is the only date my parents have each year.”
She nodded thoughtfully. “Exactly. My parents live in a cave, surrounding themselves only with people who share the same views. They think they’re so great, their cause so righteous, that anyone who disagrees should be banished from Earth.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m not kidding. My dad is so one-sided, he would probably tip over if you sneezed on him.”
I laughed, thinking about my own sneezing blunder. “I volunteer.”
“Be my guest.” Lucy smiled, her eyes brimming with shared humor.
Despite my conscience yelling that I was a dumbass for talking to her, that urgent sense of wanting to kiss her returned. Stop it, I told myself, cracking my knuckles nervously. “I have to tell you, though, that I’m looking for only one injured bird. The rest are our hunting birds. You sure you still want to come?”
“Yeah, I do. Even though I can never bring your owl back to life, I want to try to help with some of the other things my parents ruined. Okay?” She gazed at me with those sage green eyes with the yellow flecks of sunshine throughout, waiting for my answer.
That was it. Those incredible eyes were my weakness. “All right. Let’s hit the road.” I took off then, Lucy’s arms hugging me tight, finally satisfied she wasn’t there to sabotage my efforts. I cruised down the open pasture underneath the high-tension wires, where I’d often seen hawks sitting way up high on the metal scaffolding, scanning the fields for a meal. I asked Lucy to concentrate on the trees to our left, and I’d concentrate on the ones to the right.
For the first time in my life, I felt more like a man than a boy, and it had nothing to do with having a pretty girl plastered to my back. No, this feeling was born out of doing what I wanted to do and what I th
ought was right. Not backing down, not asking for permission.
It felt good.
We drove along, watching the sky, barely speaking, each of us focused on searching for our birds. I tilted my head toward her so she could hear me over the sound of the engine. “When birds get frightened, they take off and fly until they’re out of danger, so they could be anywhere.” I turned west on Town Line Road, heading toward the huge deserted field behind the gas station, which was often ripe with quarry. “I guess today will be the big test to see if our hunting birds want to be in the wild or with us.”
Lucy started to hit my shoulder repeatedly, pointing. “Wait! Look up on that telephone pole. Is that bird one of yours? It looks pretty big.”
My heart skipped a beat. Sure enough, a large bird sat majestically atop the highest crossbeam. “It could be.” I stopped and peered through my binoculars. “It’s a northern goshawk! It sure looks like my brother’s bird.” I parked on the grass and hopped off. Lucy followed me as I raced to the back of the ATV to retrieve the equipment I would need from the storage bin. I slid on my leather glove, nabbed a wet hunk of raw meat out of the waist pouch, and stood where I’d be visible to the bird.
While I was holding the bloody flesh in my gloved hand, a few red droplets fell to the ground. “Bella!” I called out. Nothing. The bird flapped once and settled back onto the beam.
What was wrong with me? Had I forgotten everything I knew? I gave one long blast on my whistle, the code to which Lincoln had trained her to respond. I waited only a few seconds before she soared down from the pole, landing on my gloved fist.
“Nice job, Bella!” I gushed, letting her enjoy her reward.
“That’s so cool!” Lucy’s eyes were as wide as they could go.
“Isn’t it?” Grinning with relief, I held on to Bella’s jesses so she couldn’t take off and walked to the back of the ATV where the carrier had been installed. It made sense that I’d get Bella back. Lincoln had trained her well. A twinge of jealousy rippled through me, a sense of loss over not finding Flip squeezing my heart.
“That was totally amazing!” Lucy said, her voice bright with excitement. “It chose to come to you. I can’t believe that’s how it works!”
I couldn’t resist a dig. “There’s probably a lot of things animal rights’ protesters don’t know about falconry. Heck, I’ve been around it my whole life, and there’s still a ton I don’t know.” I pointed to my backpack jammed next to the bird carrier. “Could you do me a favor and hand me her hood out of there? It’s a big brown leather thing with a curlicue on top.”
“Sure.” Lucy reached into my backpack, holding things up to show me and then putting them back in until she produced the hood I wanted.
“Thanks. Now easy does it, Bella.” I reached up and placed the hood on her without a hitch. This bird was a total pro at this falconry stuff. And so was Lincoln, I had to admit. I placed Bella on the perch inside the carrier and hopped back onto the ATV. “Um . . . I need to bring her home now and check on my sister. Do you want to come with me, or do you want to go home?”
Lucy scrunched up her face at me as if I was crazy. “Are you kidding? If I went home now, I think my dad would grab me by the hair and twirl me around the yard. In fact, now that I think of it, you should avoid the main roads. He could be out looking for me.”
My stomach dropped. “Do you think he’ll go back to my house?”
“Back to the scene of the crime in broad daylight? I don’t think so.” She brought her hand to her mouth. “Oh my God. Do you think your dad will have them arrested for this?”
I thought he probably would, and secretly I even hoped he would. But I didn’t want to tell her that, so I shrugged. “Maybe for vandalism. I don’t know.”
We were both silent as we got back onto the ATV, each of us probably ruminating about what our parents would do. My thoughts went to Maddie and her little friend Hannah. I tapped my pockets, searching for my cell phone, cursing myself for leaving it at home. Trying to ease both our worries, I announced, “Okay, so one back-roads detour coming up.”
Heading toward Benson Woods was our best bet. There probably wouldn’t be many people around this early on a Sunday morning, and we’d be able to see her dad’s car from far away. Lucy’s face pressed up against my neck, sending a romantic shiver ripping through me. “I never saw a hawk close up like that before. Bella sure is beautiful.”
I froze, knowing that another cheesy “so are you” moment was available, but definitely not taking it. Not when everything about us as a couple was so completely wrong. I wished someone would tell my body that, because it was reacting to her every touch. “Yeah, they’re as beautiful standing still as they are in flight.”
As we drove along, Lucy’s hands wrapped tightly around my midsection, occasionally shifting positions across my chest. Things continued to stir in places where I knew they shouldn’t. How could I even think about liking a girl whose family did such horrible things to families like mine? My mind wandered to the Shakespeare piece we had studied in Lit last year: Romeo and Juliet.
The story had archaic language that we’d struggled through for weeks, but seeing the movie had brought it all together for me. Even I couldn’t deny that the age-old family feud versus stolen romance had me glued. But the ending? Totally sucked. Why didn’t Romeo and Juliet just run off together instead of killing themselves? It wasn’t as though they lived on an island and couldn’t get away from all the haters.
Could Lucy and I be like Romeo and Juliet, but with a different outcome?
I drove down a ravine as we entered the woods, the left side of the ATV higher than the other. Without speaking, we both leaned to the left to prevent tipping. Lucy obviously was telling the truth about growing up with lots of recreational vehicles around. As we got into the clearing, we passed a rustic brown sign with BULLHEAD LAKE TRAIL painted in white letters.
“Want to hear something funny?” Lucy brushed her soft cheek against mine, and I tried to focus only on the road instead of the faint scent of flowers wafting off her hair. “A few years ago my parents ran naked in some race to protest the running of the bulls.”
“Did you say ‘naked’?” I repeated, positive I’d misheard her over the roar of the motor.
“Yep! Weird, huh?” She giggled, gripping me tightly as we rolled over a bump. “I couldn’t believe my mom agreed to do it. When it comes to sports, my mom’s a big chicken.”
I laughed. “Your mom and I have something in common. When it comes to eating a big chicken, I consider it a sport.”
Her voice turned serious. “You do? I thought you gave up meat.” She sounded hurt.
I could tell I was opening a wound, but I was done with lying to this girl. Like it or not, I’d tell her what was real about me, and if she didn’t like it . . . I sighed, not wanting to worry about that just yet. “Well . . . I did give it up for lunch every day, that part is true. It was really, really hard, but I did it. At home, though, I still ate it.”
“Oh.” Her hands shifted from my chest to my sides.
I sighed, turning my head toward her. “Sorry I wasn’t honest about that, but if you haven’t noticed, I can’t afford to lose much weight. In the end I decided I needed meat to stay healthy. Kind of like my hawk; no offense.”
“Yeah, I understand,” she said quietly.
I drove past the lake, still scoping out the fields and trees, praying I’d find Flip there. This place, with its woods and lake and miles of fresh air, reminded me more of Wisconsin than any other place I’d been in Illinois. When Charlie, Reed, and I rode through it, I’d always get a wave of homesickness, but I loved coming here all the same.
We reached the incline that would take us to the highest point, so I revved the engine to get more power. Lucy leaned forward, her hands once again gripping my chest. It was hard to focus on driving and not on the feeling of her chest pressing up against my back or the lilac scent of her hand lotion. When we reached the top of the hill and leveled
off, I noticed she hadn’t backed away as much as she could have. Her voice wavered as she took in the surroundings. “Wow! It’s so pretty up here. This place makes me miss Wisconsin.”
Whoosh. As if her heart had pushed through my back and welded onto mine. Why’d she have to go and say something that was so close to what I was feeling? I hesitated, dying to stop the bike, swap more stories, and kiss those luscious lips of hers, but I didn’t. With all of these emotions jumbling inside me, I couldn’t sort out what I was feeling. About anything, really. Out tumbled the only words I could manage: “Me too.”
“If it wasn’t for my parents’ big mouths, we’d still be there.” Her voice cracked a bit.
The way she said it made it sound accusatory rather than reflective. “Really? Why?”
Wanting to hear her explanation, I slowed the engine a bit, using this opportunity to rub my sweaty palms on my jeans. The intense vibration of the handlebars was relentless.
Lucy sighed, and I could feel her breasts rise and fall against my back. I mentally cautioned myself not to imagine them. “Because they went too far—just like they did last night. It all started when my brother John, who manages Edible Earth Vegan Café out in Fond du Lac, convinced my parents to join HALT. I think they originally did it so they could spend more time with my brother. But then they started getting into it—reading all the literature, going to meetings, attending protests. Before I knew it, they had become like those zombies in the movie, pushing their beliefs on everyone. They got into arguments everywhere they went—at the bowling alley, church socials, even the Piggly Wiggly. I could barely stand to be out in public with them.”
I winced, feeling bad for her. My parents might spend too much time working, but they never acted crazy. Not in public, anyway.
“At first, there were a few threatening phone calls, but that didn’t faze them. They figured it went with the territory. But then someone set our garage on fire. Almost burned our house down along with it. Freaked my parents out big time. That’s why we’re here now.”