It wasn’t easy. She craved alcohol badly and begged Richard and Charles to bring some on their visits. She trembled and shook as her system was cleared of its impurities but she found herself for the first time beginning really to get to know her husband as he tried in his own way to help her with her battle.
At first she had been bitter and almost abusive. ‘Why did you do it to me, Richard? Do you know what torment I’ve put myself through? Thinking that I was a complete failure as a woman, thinking that it was my fault that you weren’t sexually attracted to me. Oh, you bastard, you lying bastard. I don’t hate you because you’re gay. I hate you because you lied to me! You used me, Richard, in the worst possible way.’
Her husband had sat with his head in his hands listening to her in silence. ‘Do you want me to go?’ he said eventually. Caroline looked at him. Now that she had verbalized the hurt, the pain, the grief, she felt drained. She couldn’t sustain the hate; she just wasn’t that kind of person. To tell the truth she couldn’t help feeling sorry for her husband. In her own way she loved him despite what he had done to her. Materially he had given her everything she wanted and more. Maybe he had felt something for her.
‘I’d better go,’ he said dully.
‘Would you get me just a tiny drop of vodka?’ Her voice showed her desperation.
‘Caroline, I can’t.’ He was miserable. ‘You’ve got to stay off it. For your own sake.’
‘I know . . . I know,’ she muttered dry-mouthed. ‘It’s hard.’
He took her hand and squeezed it. ‘Don’t think about it. Try and think about something nice . . . ’ Caroline gave a small laugh. ‘I just can’t think of anything nice right now!’ But she lay back on her pillows and drifted into sleep still holding his hand.
It was Charles who had given her some insight into the secret misery of her husband’s life as a homosexual. Pushed by his cold ambitious mother into a career as a solicitor, starved of affection, he had realized from an early age that he was gay. He had been terrified. Desperate to hide it he had thrown himself into his studies, and eventually his business. He had had some furtive sexual experiences but the fear of being found out caused him dreadful anxiety and as his business took off, he dated many women in an effort to deny his true sexuality.
‘You see, Caroline, unlike me Richard is ashamed of his gayness,’ Charles told her frankly. ‘He can’t cope with it because of the pressure society puts on him to conform. I knew early in life that I was homosexual. I didn’t fight it. It’s me, it’s part of what I am and if people don’t like that they can lump it. People are so judgemental. A person’s sexuality is his or her own business as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else. That’s why I fought so hard with him to try and prevent your marriage. I knew it would end in disaster. I know Richard inside out. We were lovers for many years but once he married you we stopped making love.’ He paused to smile at her. ‘Whatever you may think of me, I don’t sleep with married men! Try not to be too hard on him, although you have every right to be. He thought it would work out. And in his own way he cares for you very much although you might not believe it. Richard can be selfish and immature but I can tell you one thing. He’s grown up these last few days – and not before time.’
Caroline sighed. ‘So have I, Charles, believe me, I’m as much to blame for the disaster of our marriage as Richard is. I knew from the start that something wasn’t right, but I wouldn’t let myself see it. I was so desperate to be married, to be Mrs someone or other, I deluded myself that everything between us was fine. Richard and I deserve each other!’
Charles leaned over and took her hand. ‘Stop punishing yourself, Caroline. We all make mistakes in life but fresh starts can always be made.’ Caroline found Charles to be a surprisingly warm humane man under his suave cultured facade and he seemed to understand her fears and terrors as no-one else had done. How ironic, she mused, that the one man in her life with whom she felt comfortable and able to be herself, was her husband’s lover.
Gradually, as Richard began to realize that his wife was not repelled by his homosexuality, and that her anger towards him had dissipated somewhat, and seeing her so comforted by Charles, he began to relax with her. Deeply shocked by what had happened, he tried in his own reserved way to support her through her painful detoxification treatment. One night she was suffering severe withdrawal symptoms.
‘Will I get a doctor?’ he asked anxiously as she began to shake.
‘No, no. I’ll be OK after a while,’ she whispered. Parched, she asked him for a glass of water. Her hands were trembling so much she couldn’t hold the glass and Richard gently held it to her mouth, cradling her head in his arms. It grieved her that it was only in this situation that he should be so tender and concerned. If only he could have been like that during their marriage . . .
Something of her thoughts must have shown in her face because he drew away from her and said flatly, ‘You must hate me for what I’ve done!’ They stared at each other across the bed, his words falling like bitter droplets into the futile void of their marriage.
Caroline swallowed. ‘I don’t hate you Richard,’ she gave a wry smile. ‘I wanted so badly to be married that I just closed my eyes to everything that was wrong in our relationship. It’s not all your fault! Why did you marry me?’
Richard awkwardly jammed his hands into his pockets: ‘When I first met you, you were so shy and unsure. You kind of reminded me of myself except that I was much better at hiding it. And as I got to know you better I liked you very much, you were . . . are . . . such an undemanding person. I thought I could put my past behind me and make a go of it. Be a ‘normal’ person like everyone else. I just kept denying what and who I was. That’s why I used to date all those other women. I was a man about town. I’d date them for a while and drop them so I wouldn’t have to get into a relationship with them.’ He smiled at his wife. ‘It was incredible, women threw themselves at me, and I wasn’t the slightest bit interested but no-one, not one person, ever guessed that I was gay and eventually I started believing myself that I wasn’t. I told myself I was bisexual. I wouldn’t listen to Charles, I told myself he was only jealous. I knew the night of our honeymoon that I’d made a horrible mistake. It was too late then. Wasn’t it? I treated you both very badly. All I can say is that I’m sorry.’
After years of unhappy experiences caused wittingly and unwittingly by others, Caroline’s capacity for tolerance was enormous. She couldn’t bring herself to hate her husband. She understood far more than he guessed the reasons he had married her. In a way they were very similar. Once she got used to the idea, his homosexuality did not offend her. She had seen how much he and Charles cared for each other and envied them. It was a hard world to live in, God knows, and a loving relationship was a precious gift no matter what gender you were. If only she and Richard had not been so desperate, she to avoid what she thought was the misery of spinsterhood, he to avoid what he perceived as the stigma of homosexuality, they might not be in the sorry mess they were in now.
Paradoxically, now that Caroline knew the truth about their marriage she no longer felt under pressure. A burden had somehow lifted. It had not been her fault. She was not unlovable or unsexy or the womanly failure that she had tortured herself about, and in a faltering yet exhilarating way she knew that if she came through this experience, she could face anything.
‘Do you want me to leave?’ Richard’s voice intruded on her thoughts.
‘Not unless you want to,’ she replied.
‘Oh!’ he said, taken aback. He had expected her to say ‘yes.’
‘Do you know what I did before our first date?’ she was smiling faintly.
Richard cleared his throat. There were times when Caroline really surprised him. ‘What did you do?’
‘I took a Valium!’
They stared at each other and then in spite of themselves burst out laughing. They were still laughing when Charles joined them.
After five weeks Caroline was ready to lea
ve the hospital. Drink- and drug-free for the first time in almost two years, she was about to take her first faltering steps towards a new life. A life where she would depend on herself first and foremost, no longer concerned about what people thought.
‘Are you going to leave me? Could we work something out between us?’ Richard asked her tentatively.
‘We’ll see, Richard.’ She was gentle with him. They would never have a proper marriage, she knew that, and although their relationship had improved enormously now that all their secrets had been bared she didn’t know if she could cope with the idea of a permanently sexless relationship. She too had her needs, as Doctor Cole reminded her when she confided all that had happened to him.
‘You have your life to lead as well as Richard,’ he warned. ‘If you think you would be better off leaving him, for God’s sake do so. Don’t sacrifice your life, Caroline.’ He had smiled warmly at her. ‘It does me good to see you like this, my dear. I hope everything works out for you and don’t forget I’m always here if you need to chat.’
Almost light-hearted Caroline walked out of the surgery. How silly she had been to think she had been alone. Doctor Cole had been so good to her, as had her father and the boys. She had phoned them from the hospital and told them frankly that she was having treatment for alcohol and drug abuse. She hadn’t told them about Richard. That was nobody’s business except hers, Richard’s and Charles’s. She knew that in time, when Devlin was fully recovered, she would tell her and Maggie. Their friendship was so strong and they had no secrets up until now. Why, Maggie had confided in her about Terry’s affair and how it had pained her and as Caroline hugged her in the hospital where she had come to visit her, she realized that everyone had their share of unhappiness. She, Caroline Stacey, was not, as she had so self-pityingly thought, the only miserable person in the world.
For the first time in years, her father had reached out to her, shocked out of his self-absorption by the sight of his gaunt traumatized daughter. Shyly, awkwardly they had talked about many things during her stay in hospital as they tentatively began to re-establish that most precious relationship that only a father and daughter can have. When her two brothers arrived in to see her with a huge furry teddy bear she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry and ended up doing both.
‘Ah don’t drown the poor thing,’ Declan joked sympathetically as she buried her face in the soft cuddly toy. Handing her a handkerchief he gave her hand a squeeze.
‘Honest Caro, why didn’t you tell me and Damien about the old drinking? We might have been able to help,’ he said gruffly.
Caroline blew her nose and grinned at her brothers. Despite their gruffness they had always been quite protective about her in their own way. ‘Huh!’ Her voice was still a bit shaky. ‘If I remember rightly, I had to put the pair of you to bed once or twice when I lived at home.’
Damien laughed. ‘Give us back me Teddy this minute, I told him he was going to live with a nice young lady and here she is impugning our characters!’
‘What characters?’ She laughed but she clung tightly to them when they hugged her goodbye and promised to visit her again. They had been as good as their word, and even when she had left hospital they had both begun to keep in touch, phoning her regularly or even paying the occasional visit, something they had never done before.
Immediately she left hospital, she asked Richard to bring her to visit Devlin. He had in fact suggested it himself one day he was visiting her. He had told her that he had been in touch with Maggie and that Devlin was out of her coma and beginning to recover. Caroline had been quite stunned that Richard had gone to the trouble of making the enquiry. Especially because the first beating she had received at his hands had been because she had disobeyed him and gone visiting her.
‘I know she’s your best friend. I was always jealous of your friendship. I always felt Devlin didn’t like me either. She’s a very astute lady and I was afraid she would find out about me,’ he confessed shamefacedly as they sat in the grounds of the hospital one evening.
Impulsively Caroline reached out and gave her husband a brief hug. For the first time in their relationship he did not draw away but warmly returned the pressure of her arms. ‘I can’t believe the way you are behaving towards me,’ he whispered, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. ‘I thought you wouldn’t want to see me, wouldn’t want to touch me.’
‘Oh Richard! After all we’ve been through! Surely we can at least be friends.’ Caroline spoke quietly, meaning every word.
Her husband stared at her. She looked so frail and waiflike after all she had been through, but the warmth in her steadfast gaze, her brown eyes so kind and unreproachful made him feel such a bastard. She was comforting him. He who had beaten the daylights out of her and made her life a misery. No wonder Devlin and Maggie thought the world of her. People like Caroline were rare.
‘More than anything I’d like to be your friend, Caroline,’ he managed to say and then he was crying, holding her tightly as he said brokenly, ‘I’m sorry . . . I’m really sorry about the beatings and everything. If you want an annulment I’ll cooperate. You won’t have any difficulty getting one, I promise.’
Caroline held him, shocked by his words. My God, if she were to go for an annulment he’d have to confess his homosexuality. She felt a surge of love for him. If he would do that for her he had to have some feelings for her. Maybe their relationship wasn’t a total disaster after all.
‘What does Charles think?’ she asked him gently.
Richard swallowed hard and managed to regain some composure. ‘Charles loves me, Caroline, you know that. And I love him. But,’ he met her eyes squarely. ‘I love you too in my own way. As long as you forgive me and we can stay friends I’ll be happy.’
‘Well I do forgive you and I am your friend,’ Caroline assured him. She looked at him questioningly.
‘Do you want me to get an annulment immediately? I was thinking of going away for a week or two on my own just to think. If you and Charles want to resume your relationship, that’s OK by me. I won’t feel betrayed and I think he deserves some consideration too.’
‘But . . . don’t you . . . I mean aren’t you upset by the idea?’ Richard stammered.
‘Oh Richard!’ she laughed. ‘Now that I know, I can face it. If I could stay in the apartment until I get myself organized?’
‘Caroline, of course you can,’ Richard said earnestly. ‘I don’t want you to leave.’ He sighed deeply. ‘Please, please, don’t feel you’ve to go rushing off to get an annulment. Couldn’t we leave it for a while, at least until you are on your feet again, and you’ve got over this. I’d like to be with you and support you. I can’t change the way I am, but I promise I’ll never lay a finger on you again and I’ll always be there for you if you need me.’
Caroline smiled at her husband. ‘Thank you, Richard. Knowing that will help me more than anything to face my future. There are so many things I want to do. I’d like to get a job, learn to drive, travel. I can’t believe it . . . I don’t feel afraid any more.’
Maggie’s Story – II
Thirty-two
The piercing wail of a baby interrupted Maggie’s precious slumber. Snuggling down into the comfortable womb-like hollow of the bed she tried to ignore it. A feeling of desperation enveloped her as the wailing became louder and more demanding. Maggie kept her eyes tightly closed, hoping against hope that Terry might rouse himself and go and attend the baby who was crying. An irate elbow in the ribs shattered her carefully-cultivated illusion.
‘Baby’s crying, Maggs. For God’s sake, do something about it! I’ve got to get a decent night’s sleep, I’ve got the Goodwin account tomorrow and it’s very important to us.’
Terry’s voice held a note of barely concealed impatience and Maggie had to fight down the impulse to tell him exactly what he could do with the Goodwin account. Having had little or no sleep for the past six months she was at the end of her tether. Sleep was all she could think about th
ese days, craving it like an alcoholic craves a drink or a drug addict a fix. All she wanted was just one night of oblivion to sink into the soothing balm of slumber, undisturbed by crying babies.
Nobody had ever told her that motherhood was like this! When she had discovered that she was pregnant, Maggie had envisaged herself gently rocking her sleepy offspring in her arms for ten minutes or so in the evening before laying it in its delicate wicker basket where it would sleep undisturbed the whole night through. It was a long time since she had worked with newborn babies. Time had dulled her memory and the reality was vastly different. To say that Terry and herself were finding the going a little difficult was more than an understatement.
In the first place they had surprised themselves and everybody else by conceiving twins. Maggie shuddered as she remembered her pregnancy. It had been a nightmare! She had suffered morning noon and night sickness all through her pregnancy, excruciating backache compounded by a bad kidney infection for the last three months and then she had got toxaemia. Things had gone from bad to worse and in the end she’d been induced four weeks early and the babies had had to spend a month in incubators in Saudi. Their plans for coming home had been delayed and it seemed to Maggie that from the moment the twins had been born, she hadn’t had a full night’s sleep.
On their arrival in the Ryan household the two tiny little beings had taken over her life and it was the rare moment she had to herself, what with feedings, nappy changes and baths . . . and more feedings. It was one endless cycle. In Saudi it hadn’t been too bad because she had domestic help but once she got home to Ireland Maggie found the going tough. Terry did help out occasionally but he had to spend long hours in the office, building up the consultancy firm he had set up on their arrival home from Saudi. She found to her dismay that she was very much alone.
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