by Shari Hearn
Merlin stared at me from his perch on the sofa back. It looked like an uncomfortable position to me, but he seemed to like it. When his ears shot up and his gaze shifted toward the door, I knew my partners in crime had arrived.
“Crack my whip!” Gertie shouted on the other side of the door before knocking.
Merlin flung himself off the sofa and shot up the stairs.
Given all the crazy getups I’d seen Gertie wearing since I met her, I shouldn’t have been surprised to see her squeezed into her old Roller Derby outfit, but I was. Her white hair stuck out from under her old helmet. Her too-tight goggles made the skin around her cheeks puff out, reminding me of a cartoon I had once seen starring a goldfish wearing glasses. Giant padding protected her skinny knees and elbows. An ancient pair of skates that had been tied together with their laces rested over one shoulder, causing her to lean to the right when she walked.
“I tried to stop her.” Ida Belle followed her in. She was also dressed to skate, though not in her old uniform, opting instead for a pair of denim capris and red shirt. “I left my pads and helmet in the car.”
“No, no.” I shook my head. “We’re not there to skate; we’re there to do some surveillance.”
“Everyone in town knows our history as Derby queens,” Gertie said. “If Andy sees us inside he won’t think anything of it. If he sees my car there and doesn’t see us inside skating? Then we’ve got problems.”
Ida Belle nodded. “Despite my disagreeing about her outfit, I have to agree with her about us skating. He’ll just think we’re there showing off our former haunt to our young friend.”
“You two just want an excuse to get back on skates.”
“We want to blend in,” Gertie said.
“In what decade?” I asked, spinning the wheels on one of her ancient skates.
“I’ll make her rent new skates at the roller rink.”
“I will not. These are my lucky skates. These skates made me a champion. I oiled them before we left. They’ll do just fine.”
Ida Belle rapped her knuckle on Gertie’s helmet. “You should have oiled your head, because clearly it’s not screwed on right.”
Gertie flipped her the bird and turned to me. “Are we going to stand here and quibble over my fashion choices or are we going to help solve a murder?”
I picked up my backpack and thermos from the coffee table. “You did bring food, didn’t you?”
“Food? Mudbug Roller World serves the best hot dogs in all Louisiana. French fries too. Nice and crispy. Not soggy. And tonight is adults-only, which means—”
“Beer!” she and Ida Belle said simultaneously.
Gertie pointed to my thermos. “So you can leave the coffee home.”
I rolled my eyes and put the coffee back on the table.
“Don’t worry,” Ida Belle said as we left my house, “we can skate and observe all at the same time.”
“Damn straight,” Gertie said, “because we’re—”
“Sinful Sliders!” Gertie and Ida Belle pumped their fists in the air. “We’re mean, we’re clean, we’re fighting machines!”
“You have some Bengay in your purse for later, don’t you?” Ida Belle asked Gertie as we neared her Caddie.
“Are you kidding? You know I never leave home without it.”
A half hour later we were pulling into a parking space of the Mudbug Roller World.
Gertie clapped. “Ida Belle, look. They still have the sign.”
A giant neon sign gave the illusion of a pink and blue skate whizzing across the sky. Another neon sign spelled out Mudbug Roller World. Both signs sat atop a warehouse-like structure. Though this was a weeknight, a steady stream of cars was arriving to the skating rink. If the arrival rate held steady, this lot would be packed in an hour.
I was surprised by the number of older people, as in Gertie and Ida Belle old, entering the place. “Seems to be popular with the seniors.”
“Because it’s seniors-half-off night,” Ida Belle said.
Gertie gazed up at the sign, transfixed. “We haven’t been to this place in years, but when we were hot young things we practically lived here.”
“Why’d you stop coming?”
Gertie shrugged. “Well, you know, we got busy running things in Sinful.”
“She got us banned.”
“I did not!”
“You most certainly did.” Ida Belle directed her explanation to me. “It was March, 2005. We came here to skate, that’s all. But Bunny LeBeau and Sadie Sanford started taunting us. They were on the Mudbuggers team.”
Gertie laughed. “I used to call them Mud-boogers.”
“Of course you did. Why were they taunting you?”
“They kept pointing to the Derby banners hanging above the rink,” Ida Belle said. “‘Eighty-three was the last year we skated, and technically we won that tournament, making it seven tournaments in a row. But the eighty-three banner displays the Mudbug team name.”
Gertie whipped around in her seat and pointed her finger at me. “Because they cheated.”
Ida Belle explained. “That last bout was tied. So we did an overtime jam. Gertie was the Lead Jammer, but the Ref sent her to the penalty box, even though everyone knew she didn’t do anything wrong. So only the Mudbug Jammer could score.”
“He was crooked,” Gertie said. “We later proved it. Caught him feeling up Bunny behind the rink.”
“Okay, so they were cheats and the Ref was crooked and Bunny was a skank. How does that get you banned from the skating rink decades later?”
Gertie started to speak, but Ida Belle held a hand over her mouth. “Like I said, Bunny started taunting us about the banner, like she always did. Sometime, after having one spiked soda too many, Gertie climbed the scaffolding and took down the banner.”
“And that got you banned?”
“Once she took it down she dropped it and caused a nine-skater collision on the track below. Then when she was scrambling to get down she somehow triggered the fire sprinklers. They had to redo the skate floor.”
Gertie took Ida Belle’s hand off her mouth. “We’re wasting time pointing fingers. We could be skating.” Gertie opened the door and stepped out of the car. Ida Belle and I followed. She shot a look at Ida Belle. “Besides, you were the one who spiked my Coke.”
“But aren’t you still banned?”
Ida Belle waved me off. “Doesn’t matter now. The owner banned us for life and I found out that he died two years ago. Since he never specified which life he was referring to, I think we’re good.”
We headed toward the entrance to the roller rink, walking between the parked cars. A truck door pushed open a couple feet ahead, knocking into Gertie and blocking our path.
“Hey!” Gertie called out, banging on the truck door. “Didn’t you see us coming?”
A man stepped out and slammed the door shut. It was Carter. “I did.”
Damn! We were seeing more of one another after we broke up than during the time we were dating.
“You’re lucky I’m not crying police brutality,” Gertie said, rubbing her arm.
“I’m off duty.”
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Probably the same reason you are.”
“I’m here to watch Gertie and Ida Belle skate.”
“Uh, huh. You wouldn’t have spoken with Lila Rose and found out that Andy is meeting a woman here tonight, and that she may or may not be connected with Waddell’s death?”
Yes, I could have lied to him. I’d done it numerous times. But after my biggest secret came out, lying about this might sever whatever friendship we still had.
“Yeah, Lila Rose mentioned it. We just came here to see if the woman he’s meeting is on the list of people at the library at the time of the murder. If what Lila Rose said is true, there could be a possibility that Andy hired someone to go murder Waddell, and maybe he’s here to give her payment.”
“So you admit you’re interfering.”
> “We’re skating and observing,” Ida Belle said.
“Look, you’re stretched thin,” I said. “You don’t have the eyes of a big police force behind you. We vowed to turn over anything we observed that might be part of this case.”
“You realize Lila Rose isn’t the most reliable of witnesses?”
“We told her that. But we thought it was worth it,” Gertie said. “Even Lila Rose can be right some of the time.”
“Apparently, you took her seriously,” I said. “Though you said you weren’t on duty, so your observation isn’t official.”
“No, and I couldn’t ask the Mudbug police to come out here on the word of an unstable woman.”
“Aren’t you afraid that if Andy is involved he’ll see you here and be suspicious?”
“I thought of that. Now, if I came alone, yes, that might raise his suspicions. But if I came here with friends…”
Gertie gasped. “You’re using us!”
Carter smiled. “How does it feel to be on the other side for once?”
It finally hit me. “I’m guessing you want one of us to be your date. Guys usually don’t go to roller rinks unless they’re looking for a date or they already have one.”
“Well, don’t look at me,” Gertie said. “I don’t want you hanging on me all night. You’ll slow me down. And Ida Belle’s too bossy for you. Fortune’s more your speed.”
Carter sighed and grimaced. “It’s the only way I can get in there and see for myself. Otherwise, if he did have something to do with Waddell’s death, my being here alone would scare him off.”
I should have been angry. He outsmarted us and just wanted a pretend date for surveillance purposes. Not that I hadn’t used his position as deputy to get some info from him the past few weeks. More times than even I’d like to admit. I actually owed him this favor. As hard as it would be for both of us to be around one another in a phony-date capacity, it really was the only way.
I nodded. “Sure.”
Gertie clapped. “Welcome to our world, Carter.”
“Not your world. Since this is MY investigation, we’re going to do it MY way. You leave all your weapons behind in my locked tool box.”
“What?” Gertie asked, starting to launch a protest.
Carter held up his hand to silence her. “I’m not going in there with civilians who are holding weapons, no matter how well you handle those weapons. I could be, and should be, fired if I let you do that.”
I pulled my nine-millimeter from my waistband and handed it to him. Ida Belle sighed and did the same. We looked at Gertie.
“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” Gertie said. She reached inside her blouse and pulled a small gun from her bra. She handed it to Carter. “There. I warmed it up for you.”
Chapter Eight
Gertie’s eyes widened as we walked through the door. She had always seemed like a big kid to me anyway, but there was something about this place that had just taken her back sixty years. This time warp had an effect on Ida Belle as well. She tried to hide it, of course; that was Ida Belle’s style. But the smile that was creeping on her face told me this place was touching a special part within her as well.
Gertie grabbed Ida Belle’s shoulder and pointed to a platform above one corner of the rink where a man in a tuxedo sat playing the organ. “They still have the organist! I think he’s the same one!” And she could have been right. The guy looked like he was pushing a hundred. She pointed to another corner of the rink, “The snack bar always had the best sodas.”
Ida Belle smiled. “You mean, after we spiked them.”
We made our way toward the skate rental window.
“Stop!” Gertie cried out. She pointed to a trophy case just to our left filled with trophies, ribbons and framed photos. “There we are,” she said, touching the glass. The photo she was pointing to was an action shot, taking during one of the bouts. A young Ida Belle, her face filled with determination, had just released Gertie’s arm from her grip.
“We called that move, ‘cracking the whip,’” Ida Belle said. “Gertie would skate up behind me and I would grab her arm and whip her around, like I was hitting a ball with a bat.”
“That would give me the speed I needed to gain on my opponent, maybe even take a few of them out as I passed.”
“Sounds a little brutal,” I said.
“They were free to try to stop me as I came around, so it wasn’t without risk. However, not many of them could.”
“Well, that’s revisionist history for you.” We spun around to find two older woman, Gertie and Ida Belle’s age, one with white hair, the other dyed bright purple, seated at a table and enjoying a hot dog and beer. The purple-haired woman sported a T-shirt with Bunny sequined over her chest.
“Bunny LeBeau and Sadie Sanford,” Ida Belle said, spitting the words out as if their very names implied some horrible crime. “Otherwise known as Misery Mama and Princess Pain.”
“Give’EmHell and Duchess Danger,” Bunny said. “I’m surprised to see you two showing your old wrinkled faces in this place.”
Gertie folded her arms. “Just bringing our friends here to see our trophies… for kicking your butts up and down the rink. Seven state championships to be exact.”
“Six, or have you forgotten the banner?” Sadie said, before biting off a hunk of hot dog.
“It would have been ours if Gertie hadn’t been thrown in the penalty box,” Ida Belle said.
“Duchess Danger tripped me,” Sadie said, her mouth filled with hot dog.
“Tripped you?” Gertie said. “Why did I need to trip you? All I needed to do was distract you and let your two left feet do you in.”
“The Ref called it an illegal move,” Bunny said.
“Oh, you mean the Ref you were sleeping with?” Ida Belle asked.
Gertie snickered. “Or, not sleeping, is what I heard. By the way, whoever colors your hair should be arrested for crimes against humanity.”
Bunny grunted and pulled her bony frame up from her chair. Sadie took one more bite of hot dog and stood as well. The old adversaries locked one another in deadly stares.
“Ladies,” Carter said, “I hate to break up this heartfelt reunion, but we’re here to have fun. Can we go rent our skates now?”
Sadie eyed me up and down. “This must be your granddaughter, Ida Belle. Looks like she’s packing some of your DNA.”
“You and Walter finally tie the knot?” Bunny asked. “Well, then I do apologize for the many times he and I made out behind the building.”
“You made out with him?” Sadie asked. “I sucked face with him myself. There were times we did more than make out.”
Bunny smirked and stared at Ida Belle. “Oh, Sadie, if you’re referring to horizontal entertainment, I’d say Walter parallel parked with damn near the entire team.”
Ida Belle stepped forward, inches from Bunny. I grabbed onto her shoulder. “Okay… grandma. Let’s go rent our skates.”
I pulled her away from them and toward the skate rental booth. Gertie turned and flung one last barb.
“You have a blob of mustard on your boob, Sadie.” Then, “No, look lower. Your girls slid below deck ages ago.”
When we were a few feet away from them Ida Belle and Gertie broke into a fit of laughter.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
Ida Belle wiped a laugh tear from her eye. “Like old times.”
“She accused Walter of sleeping with their entire team.”
“Just a little trash talk,” Gertie said. “Heck, I think I told every one of the Mudbuggers I slept with their men. We always did that before a bout. Something tells me we’re going to see a replay of that last bout tonight.”
Carter stopped and shook his head at them. “No, we’re here for one thing. Find Andy and observe him. That’s it. No score settling, no showing off your moves. Just observe.”
Ida Belle patted Carter on the shoulder. “Of course. We’re old pros at this. Don’t worry about a thing.”
Ida Belle strutted to the skate rental window. Carter turned to me, his face pale. “Should I be worried?”
“Oh, yeah, definitely.”
Minutes later the four of us were seated on a bench putting on our skates.
“These fit like a glove,” Gertie said, getting up from the bench. “Even my bunions are smiling.”
“I wish you’d go for a rental pair.” Ida Belle stood as well. “I like the feel of these wheels. New. And safe.”
“My wheels are meant for speed.”
“But your age is meant for strolling.”
Gertie waved her off. “Oh, for heaven’s sake, I go rollerblading from time to time. It’s not like I’ve lost my ability to skate. Besides, how often do we make it out here? I have skates that are meant to glide on this wood track. I’m taking advantage of it.”
Gertie entered the track and started skating, slowly at first, then gaining speed, her screams of delight traveling around the rink.
“Is she going to end up in a hospital?” I asked.
“I hope not.” Ida Belle walked on her skates over to the rink and joined the other skaters.
I was alone with Carter. If the events of a few days ago hadn’t happened, this would have been kind of romantic in a goofy, small-town kinda way. If he still thought I was a librarian in town to catalog my great aunt’s things, and not a CIA assassin hiding out from an arms dealer who had a hit out on me.
But, he did know, and we had a job to do tonight.
“Any sign of Andy?”
“Not yet.”
I stood, shaky on the skates. He suppressed a laugh. “Have you ever skated before?”
“I’ve done some inline skating in DC. It’s not one of my strengths.”
“No kidding.”
He walked toward the opening in the rink and I followed, my steps clunky with the skates. He stepped onto the wood track and slowly started to skate, waiting for me to catch up, stifling a laugh as he watched my stilted movements.
He shook his head. “I never thought I’d witness something you don’t do well.”