by Lee Miller
Opening her eyes to strange noises in the room, Sara saw her loud, yet loving mother-in-law bustling about the place while the nurse on duty tried quieting her down. “Hello mom.” Sara managed while stiffening a yawn. “Sara!! You’re awake!” imagine that. I had to bring you over some fresh clothing. The doctor said they were probably releasing you today and all you had here was what you had on the night they admitted you. I didn’t think you’d want to wear that again.” Chris’s mom, Jackie, was a force to be reckoned with. No matter what the reason, her good mood never seemed to end. She always saw the best in everyone around her. She also thought she knew what was best for you, better than you yourself knew. Still, even with her loud personality and brightly colored clothing, Sara couldn’t help but love her mother-in-law. “Mom, that wasn’t really necessary. You didn’t have to go back to the apartment to get me anything.” She protested. “Oh honey, I couldn’t have done that.” Sara noticed her lower lip quivering and saw a tear form in her right eye. “I’m, I’m sorry mom. I tried to…” the dotting older lady cut Sara short. “You stop that this minute Sara! I know full well if you could have done anything to change the outcome, you would have. At least the little bastard met his end too!” Sara was floored; she’d never heard the older woman se crude language before. She always said it was “uncivilized” and it made one sound “uneducated.” Sara couldn’t possibly love her any more in this exact instant.
Sara ate her breakfast while she listened to the older lady go on and on about society things. Stuff that normally would hold no interest for her, but now she found it all as interesting as reading one of her favorite books. Anything to keep her mind off of what she had to go home and face. She figured Jackie would try to talk her out of her plans to stay in the apartment, but she would simply put her foot down when the time came. The time came much quicker than she expected. “So, I found you a nice place a block or two away from me. You’ll love it there! Oh of course, it’ll be further away from work for you, but the commute won’t be so bad honey.” Sara was flummoxed. She stared at the older woman for a bit while trying to process her words. “Mom, no. No I’m staying in the apartment. I’m not moving. That place is Chris’s home and mine. I’m not leaving it.” Sara was getting more agitated as she went on. Jackie could sense she had picked the wrong time to bring up the topic and decided to let it go. “Well, until the matter is resolved one way or another, I’m moving in with you to help take care of things until you are ready to be on your own again.” Sara thought about that for a few minutes. “You know the place is a mess.” She offered. “I know. We’ll clean it up together sweetie. You’re not in this alone. Beth has been worried sick about you. Every time she has come by, you were sleeping.” Sara lost her appetite with the mention of her best friend. How was she going to explain any of this to her? She must have a lot of questions. Sara’s concern for her friend was written well enough on her face for her far too observant mother-in-law to miss. “The cops have questioned her extensively. They finally believe her innocence in the whole sorted affair. She has been under police protection too. She actually helped them search through Tommy’s stuff. They are beginning to piece together the two lives that scoundrel lived.” Sara watched as Jackie got up and began filling her time with busy work. She didn’t want to think about everything any more than Sara wanted to think about it.
“I’m going to go check with that delightful doctor about your release paperwork. I should think you are cleared to get dressed sweetie. Here, let me help you out of that bed.” Sara lowered the rail and pushed the table out of her way. She raised the bed into its sitting position and swung her legs so they dangled off the edge. She waited a few minutes, assessing if there was any pain anywhere or if she was going to get dizzy. After a minute or so passed without anything happening, she lowered herself onto her feet and kept ahold of the bed for support, just in case. After steadying herself, she took a few steps, her legs felt weaker than usual, but they would pass in time. She gave her mother a hug and sent her out the door while she dressed herself. She had to chuckle to herself, hospital gowns flattered no one, she had worn backless dresses before, but never one that showed everything back there, at least not intentionally.
A couple of hours later she was speeding along in Jackie’s Mercedes towards the Upper East Side where her home was. The conversation in the car was kept light and pleasant, yet Sara could feel an undercurrent of questions her driver wanted to ask her, both seemed to understand, this wasn’t the time. She watched as the city sped past in the stark gray afternoon light of winter. She reflected again on how everything looked dead this time of year. No life to be found anywhere, or so it felt like. Outside of the speeding car, the world was as stark as Sara felt. Most people where still tucked inside their homes, the storm that lashed out a few days ago wasn’t done, it was in a lull, waiting, bidding it’s time. The accumulations were already record breaking. The street departments worked day and night to keep the main roads cleared as much as they could. Sara thought Jackie drove a bit too fast for the current conditions, but she didn’t care enough to bring it up. All she could think about now was a hot shower and for life to return to some kind of normalcy. When she went back to work, she planned on throwing herself into it head long. Anything to keep the thoughts and nightmares away. Perhaps she’d talk to her editor about that story down in Georgia, the old man with the impressive rose garden. She had many options. She hadn’t seen her cell phone for a few days, she imagined she had a lot of missed calls to catch up on. Looking over at Jackie she realized she’d need to get the spare room set up for her, she didn’t know how long she planned on staying, but she wouldn’t have her sleeping on the couch. Jackie was going on about different tidbits of life that held no interest for Sara until she made mention that Rose, Chris’s sister, and her husband would be flying in just as soon as possible. As would countless other family members. Sara had no one who would be flying in for her. She was alone. Sara gathered her strength and looked at Jackie “We need to plan a proper funeral for Chris. I know he professed to not believe, but if you would indulge me, I’d like to plan a Christian based funeral for him, would you mind?” Sara’s voice was hollow, any thought that she was doing any better was shattered when she spoke. Sara could tell that Jackie was thinking long and hard on her request. “Would that make you feel better dear?” Jackie asked without taking her eyes off the road. “Yes. I believe it would mom.” Sara’s reply sounded like it came from the grave itself. “Very well. I’ll do what I can to help you. Rest assured of that, and if anyone else has a problem with your choice, they can deal with me on it. I wasn’t called the ‘Battle Axe of the Boardroom’ for nothing you know.” Jackie smiled at the memories of her working life.
Sara had heard the tales of just how ruthless she was in business; she didn’t broker fools or nitwits, as she put it. ‘Come with everything or don’t bother leaving the house’ was one of her many sayings. Sara knew she was ruthless, but she was also extremely fair. One of the few business owners of the time who didn’t crush little people to get ahead in the world. She had a career that allows her to hold her head up even into retirement. ‘Never do today, what you can’t sleep with tomorrow!’ Jackie was full of colloquial sayings. She was always quick to turn a phrase on almost anything life threw at her. Sara turned back toward the window and prayed for the strength to get through the next few months, one hour at a time. She couldn’t look beyond that. She couldn’t see a time in her life were she would be happy again, yet she knew that the time would surly come. She just focused on getting through the next mission, the next job, the next hour. The rest, she figured, would take care of itself in time. She prayed silently. “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside the still waters, and He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His namesake. Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for you are with me.” Sara continued to pray as the winter sun began its quic
kened descent into the twilight sky.
Jackie turned into one of the two parking spots reserved for her apartment in the buildings indoor garage. Sara went to open the door and stopped at the sight of Chris’s Dodge Ram sitting there. He loved that truck. It was the only vehicle he would ever drive, when he drove. They had had it a year and it still had fewer than 6,000 miles on it. Sara was going to make it a point to drive more. On the way to the elevator banks that lead to the apartments Jackie was lamenting at how hungry she was and that she needed a stiff drink. “Well, don’t know what we have in the fridge, but we can order Chinese if you like mom.” Sara warmed at the thought of a plate of Chicken Cashew. She loved various types of food, but that was her favorite Chinese dish. “Hmm... Chinese. It has all that MSG in it you know. Not very healthy.” Sara tried to think of what else was around. Well, we do live in a very large city mom, if there is something else you preferred, let’s hear it. I’m game for almost anything that isn’t hospital food. I haven’t had anything real to eat since the night of the party.” Sara pressed the button that would take them to the floor her apartment was on. The elevator began its long climb up the darken shaft. Sara realized her mother-in-law had said something and was probably waiting for a response. She looked at her and saw that she was indeed waiting on a response. “Um. I’m sorry, I didn’t really hear what you said.” She admitted through her chagrin. Jackie just watched her, pity filling her eyes. “Poor child. You’ve been through so much. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be an old nag sweetie. I guess.” Jackie stopped for a moment to collect her thoughts. Sara could sense what she would say next would be hard for her to say, and probably hard for Jackie to say and probably equally hard for Sara to hear. “I just. I don’t know how to act to be honest my dear. I am not one who is seen out of her comfort zone much and frankly I don’t do well with that. I don’t know how to react to what happen. Or how to react to Chris begin gone. I don’t know how to act or even what to say to try and help comfort you. I’m at a loss my dear child.” Jackie’s eyes were tearing up and Sara found it was her dear mother-in-law that needed comfort. Sara embraced her and let the older woman cry on her shoulder as the elevator continued its slow climb up. “Mom, I don’t know any of that either. What I do know is that I’m hollow inside. I’m broken. I haven’t even cried properly I don’t think. I have no idea where I’m going, or what I’m even going to do. Chris was all I had in this life. My family, such as they were, are gone. I don’t know what I should feel, or what I should think.” Sara stopped just in time for the elevator doors to open up. “Come on, we can order as much MSG as we can handle and talk. I think that’s what I need most. To know I’m not alone in my state of chaos and confusion.” Sara reached the door and braced herself.
She began to question whether she had made the right choice in staying in this apartment and to keep calling it home. She unlocked the door and took a deep breath. Just as she was about to turn the knob, she felt Jackie put a hand on hers. “We’ll do this together Sara. You aren’t any more alone than I am. I have you and you have me. Together my dear.” Jackie turned the knob with Sara’s hand and pushed the door open. Both of them walked into the apartment foyer. Sara was shocked to see that the place was spotless. Every surface, every corner scrubbed clean. She was part relieved and part pissed. “Who would just walk into my home and start cleaning? It was my job to take care of Chris.” She thought. She sensed Jackie watching her. “I hope you don’t mind sweetie. After the police cleared the place, I requested permission from the super of the building to bring in a cleaning crew. I didn’t want you to have to deal with that when you got back here. I figured you wouldn’t want to leave this place. Not any time soon any way.” Sara’s anger abated before it had time to take root. Jackie cleaned everything to save her from having to relive that ugly night. She was at a loss for words. She looked at her dotting mother-in-law and saw she was braced for an angry outburst. Sara knew she should feel bad for that, but couldn’t muster the energy to care. Instead, she smiled for the first time in days. “Thanks mom. You have no idea how much that means to me. I was actually dreading having to walk back in here. I would have. And I would have cleaned the place up, but it would have been very painful.” Sara looked around the place. There was no trace anything had happen here recently. The white chalky outline that traced were Chris fell was gone, the pool of blood, all of it. The place looked just like it did three mornings ago.
Sara walked through the apartment, looking around to make sure nothing was broken or out of place. Jackie made herself busy around the house watering the plants. “I haven’t had a descent shower in days” Sara grumbled. “I’m gonna go jump in, afterwards, I’ll get a spare room set up for you Mom. Would you mind ordering the Chinese food?” Sara didn’t hear anything and looked over to see that Jackie had a rather sheepish look on her face. “The spare room already has my stuff in it sweetie. Again, planning for the most obvious outcomes. Please don’t be to mad.” Sara thought about that for a second. How could she be mad that her mother-in-law cared so much for her that she was willingly putting her life on hold to help her? “I’m not mad. Thank you mom. All of this. It really means a lot to me. I’m off to the shower, if you’d take care of the order?” Sara asked, sounding hopeful for the first time in days. “Of course dear.” Jackie took down Sara’s order and went to the living room to place the call. Sara padded upstairs. It was clean too. The only thing left as a reminder was the torn off half of the dress she was wearing the other night, it was mostly tucked under the bed where Tommy had thrown it last. She retrieved it and looked at it. It had a few blood splatters on the bottom hem. Sara carried it into the bathroom and threw it away.
Looking in the mirror, she hardly recognized herself. Her eyes were blank, her face sallow in the soft white light of the bathroom’s vanity. She looked and felt like she had aged 10 years in the last three days. Her cheeks had a gaunt appearance. While always being physically fit, her face never looked so thin and worn out. She pushed her cheeks and then pulled them down. “Ugh, I look horrible” she muttered. She turned the shower on to the hottest she could stand it. As the steam filled the air, she took a last look at the image in the mirror. She looked sickly. “Food and a good night’s sleep will do wonders” she assured herself. Washing away the filth was easy, getting rid of the persistent migraine was proving a challenge. It had softened in the last day or so, but still felt like a jackhammer pounding away on the inside of her skull. She grabbed the bottle of extra strength Excedrin and popped two in her mouth. She washed it down with a handful of water from the sink and looked up again. There, in the mirror, stood Chris. She gasped and stumbled backwards, startled and fell into the wall. “It’ll be okay Sara. The worst is over.” His voice sounding like it came from a great distance. A shadow of a memory of the voice she knew so well. “You left me Chris. Here, alone.” She sobbed. Her tears finally breaking through. Once they started in full force, she couldn’t restrain them any longer. It was like the image of her dead husband finally broke the dam of sorrow she had been holding back. “You left me!” her voice getting louder. “I’m here Sara. I will always be here. I’m not going anywhere.” The tone of his voice was soft, though the words had that eerie echo sound to them. The contradiction in their emotional state was stark. Chris was gentle and soothing, Sara was desperate and agitated. “Don’t leave me Chris. Don’t leave me!” she all but shouted at the fading image of her husband in the mirror. As he disappeared completely, Sara sunk to the floor and cried every tear she had ever withheld. She couldn’t remember the last time she cried, but she was sure making up for it all now. She let the depression and sorrow hold sway over her for a bit, she gave in to the emotions that she needed to come to grips with. Sara heard a knocking on the bathroom door. A soft and gentle voice came from the other side. “Sara, are you alright dear?” The concern in Jackie’s voice evident. Sara knew she had to pull herself up. She didn’t need her mother-in-law to think she’d gone around the bend to crazy town. F
orcing her voice to be steady, she gave as short an answer as possible. “I’m good mom. Just uh, stubbed my toe on the corner of the counter.” She shambled over to the shower. “Just getting in now.” She heard the dotting older lady walk away and back down the stairs. Once in the shower, Sara gave into the tears again. The hot water and the salt water from her crying mixing on the floor. Sara had no idea how long she had been under the hot water, but she could feel it was starting to get cold. She rushed through the cleaning process and turned the water off just as all the warmth left it. Opening the shower door, she was chilled instantly. Grabbing the big fluffy towel of the rack she wrapped herself in it. She knew she needed to dry off so she reached over and turned the bathroom heater on. She still felt chilled. After drying off, she went to her dresser and pulled out her favorite sweats. Both bottom and top were of the traditional gray color with the University of Oklahoma logo on the shirt. After getting dressed and pulling on her favorite wool socks, she felt a lot better. More revived.