by Lee Miller
Sara shot straight up in bed as the ‘o’ in “No!” left her lips. She was drenched in sweat and shaking from head to toe. It seemed so real. She could still feel his cold, dead hands wrapping around her throat. She could still smell the foul stench of his graveyard breath as he breathed into her face. She could still see the menacing, dead eyes that he looked at her with. Sara’s bedroom light flicked on and Beth rushed to her friend. “You okay? I heard you thrashing about then you screamed.” Sara was glad to see her, even if she did feel a little embarrassed about the state she was in. “Yeah, I’m good Beth. Just” she took a deep breath to calm herself “bad nightmare.” She finished. “Damn it was so real thought.” Sara looked around the loft style bedroom and towards the window and the railing where she had last seen Tommy alive, right before he fell to his death. “What was it?” Beth asked. Sara remembered Beth’s attempt at dream interpretation in school. She went through a ‘gypsy fortuneteller’ phase for a while. “I don’t remember actually, it felt real, but I can’t recall any of it.” Sara lied. She was always bad at lying, but she hoped this once she had fooled Beth. How could she tell her that her dead fiancé came to her in a dream and tried killing her again? That probably wouldn’t go over well. “Tell you what.” Beth said, “Why don’t we go to the kitchen and grab a glass of wine and get you to settle down, you’re shaking like a leaf. You did take the night time sleep aid didn’t you?” Sara gave her a blank look like she had failed to understand her words. She had to think about it, had she taken the medication prescribed to her? She looked over at her nightstand; the half drank glass of water and pill bottle still sat there. She had to have. “Yep. 99.9999% certain I did.” Beth had a look of astonishment on her face. “And you woke up less than four hours after taking it? That stuff is supposed to be powerful enough to tranquilize a horse! Or maybe a polar bear? A polar bear is bigger.” Sara knew the warning, to not mix alcohol and the medication together, but she didn’t think one glass of wine would hurt. “Come on Beth, let’s break into the wine.” She said as she got out of bed and put her slippers on. As the two made their way to the kitchen, Sara turning lights on as they go, for some reason the darkness bringing fear with it, Sara said on one of the stools at the breakfast counter as Beth retrieved the unopened bottle of wine and two glasses. “I’ll be your bartender tonight missy. You can have whatever drink you want, as long as it’s wine.” Beth grabbed the corkscrew out of the drawer. “So what’ll it be?” Beth looked at her expectantly. “Well, considering your vast selection of drink offerings, I’m thinking I’ll just stick with generic old wine this time. Thanks. And top off the glass.” “Excellent choice!” Beth said as she started pouring the freshly open bottle. After a few minutes of silence and half their glasses gone, Beth looked up at Sara as Sara looked up at her. “Sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Sara raised her glass up to take another drink. “No, not really sweetie. I really don’t remember much and what is there is rapidly fading away. It was bad though. Sara shot the rest of the wine down, she felt no less jittery or shaken. She seriously doubted sleep would find her again. She looked at the time; it was only 1:30 in the morning. She couldn’t keep Beth up all night. Beth finished off her glass of wine as well and eyed the bottle then looked back at Sara. “One more?” she said smiling that crooked smile she always had when she knew she was up to no good. Which was most of the time actually. “Hmm…okay, you convinced me. Poor it up bartender!” Sara stepped down off her stool and took the refreshed glass of wine to the window wall in the living room. Beth followed shortly after putting the bottle back in the fridge and the corkscrew back in its drawer.
The storm was really raging outside. Sara could see that the snow fell in big, fat wet flakes. The ones that was perfect for snowball fights. Half out of her mind with exhaustion, and the wine getting to her a bit, she had a giddy thought of grabbing Beth and running outside to do just that. Better sense came back to her before she could act on the idea. Still, the visual gave her a chuckle. She and Beth watched as the storm blew its way through the city. “This has got to be some kind of record.” Beth observed after a few minutes. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much snow in my entire life. Of course, I was raised in Florida, so that really isn’t saying much. I mean, we got some snow I guess, a flake or two every now and then.” Sara let her friend ramble on about Florida’s lack of snow while she stayed gazing out the window. Some of the flakes coming down were the size of small dogs. They were freaking huge. She felt Beth tap her on the shoulder and looked over. Beth had the most serious face and looked her dead in the eyes and asked “Do you wanna build a snow man?” Sara had to laugh. ‘Frozen’ was her favorite movie and she could quote it line for line and often times did, sometimes at really inappropriate times and others at what seemed like very appropriate times. “What? Are you gonna bust out singing ‘Let It Go’ again? Like the time at the upscale restaurant across town. I didn’t know if they waiter was embarrassed, wanted to join you or ask us to leave.” She laughed at the shared memory while Beth was still very serious about it all. “What? The guy wouldn’t leave me alone about my drink refill. When I want it refilled, I’ll ask for it.” Beth looked at her empty glass, Sara couldn’t resist, “Wanna a refill?” the look Beth gave her was promised violence if Sara asked her that again. Sara took their glasses to the kitchen and returned with them brimming with wine. A thought came to Sara, “Beth, can I ask you something? Something that may be to sensitive to talk about?” Beth looked at her and Sara could tell she had a idea of what it was she wanted to ask. “Sure. But I reserve the right to not answer, or plead the 5th, or join the witness protection program, or whatever.” “Well, I’ve been so wrapped up in my own problems lately and never took the time to consider how you must be feeling with everything that happen. I know you were engaged to him. What happen must really be hurting you still.” Sara said with concern loading her words. She looked at her friend, wondering what was going on in her head. She had been so stoic; so strong the last couple of months. Always there for her and never showing much in the way of weakness. The part of the dream Sara had earlier, the part where there was a frightened and helpless Beth at the feet of the dead Tommy was really bothering her. After taking a long pull of wine, Beth cleared her throat and looked down into her glass as she spoke. “He was the one. I called him that night, bout an hour before it all went down. I asked him to come by and see me after he was done working. I had stayed sober that night because what I wanted to do couldn’t be done with a cloudy head.” She took a deep breath and continued to look into her glass. “I was going to give him myself that night. I had planned on cooking him breakfast in the morning. I was that sure about him. That I wouldn’t wait till our wedding night to lay with him for the first time. Never before had I ever reached that point with any guy. No where near it actually. It was a big step for me, a big decision. Then he ruined it all. So ya. I’m hurting; but I can’t compare the pain I feel with what your going through. You have it much worse than I do. In a sense, I have closure. Putting it simply, he was a guy who lived two lives. One I loved and cherished and had planned on living out the rest of my days with, the other was somebody I didn’t know. Somebody I would never want to know. The one kind of offsets the other. I couldn’t love the real him. For me, it would have been much worse to have him have gotten by with it only to find out later. After sleeping with him, after marrying him. I guess in a way, I feel lucky. At least it has a bright side to it.” Beth finished and went back to looking out the window, then turned to Sara “I’m very sorry about it all. In the beginning I was beating myself up over it. How could I not have known? How could I not have seen? Then once I was able to talk to you again, I stopped because there was no way I could have known. It still doesn’t change how sorry about it all I feel.” Sara leaned over and gave her grieving friend a hug and held on. She had always been there for her and Sara would make sure she would return the favor. They both stared out the window and Sara began to feel extremely tired.
Maybe she could go back to sleep. “Ready to get back to bed?” Sara asked. “Ya. This wine is whipping my ass.” Beth said. They both went back to their separate rooms as the snow continued to pound the sleeping city.
Sara was able to sleep soundly enough and avoid any more weird or scary dreams. She opened her eyes and looked out the window, from the vantage point of her bed, the snowstorm from last night had ended sometime in the small hours of the night. Getting out of bed she remembered she need to call Dr. Morgan, the Psych Doctor that the night shift doctor from the hospital referred her to. “After a shower and breakfast” she thought. She felt like she had gone 3 rounds with the 1990’s version of Mike Tyson. Her muscles were stiff and achy. “Maybe that’s why the advice to not consume alcohol with the sleep aid?” she wondered. Well, she wouldn’t be doing that again. She stumbled her way to the bathroom and got the shower going good and hot, hoping to relax the muscles a bit. As she stood there waiting, she had a flash memory of seeing the fire erupt from the barrel of a gun that made no noise and her head going back as she slowly fell to the ground in the darkened entryway of the apartment. The vision came and went so quickly it left her head spinning. She leaned against the wall to keep herself up right as a sense of vertigo hit her as the vision left. “What the hell?” she mumbled in surprise. The vision and the vertigo came flying out of nowhere and each was gone just as quick. Shaken and still sore all over, she got in the steaming shower and tried to put it out of her mind, yet the feeling she felt at that moment wouldn’t abate. She couldn’t explain it and it bothered her. She began wondering how mad she must really be.
After getting dressed, she grabbed her phone and place the call she knew needed placing, yet trepidation filled her. “What if I’m really going crazy?” she wondered. “I don’t want this. I don’t want to be crazy. I don’t want to be losing my senses. I want to be normal.” She threw up a prayer and dialed the number given to her last night.
“Dr. Morgan’s office.” a far too cheery voice came from the other end of the line. “Yes, hello, my name is Sara Connelly. I want to set an appointment to see Dr. Morgan.” She sounded lame even to her ears. “Mrs. Connelly? Yes Dr. Morgan has been expecting your call actually. When would be a good time for you to come in?” came the far too happy for this time of the morning voice asked. “He’s been expecting my call?” Sara asked in disbelief. Dr. Carson had better not have breached patient-doctor privilege. “Yes, apparently your Dr. Carson called him last night and said you were someone dear to him and you may need some help.” Sara was taken aback at the thought of Dr. Carson caring for her and being worried about her. “Any time really. I’m taking some time off of work, so my days are wide open.” “Well, he has an hour or so this afternoon, would you like me to pencil you in?” Sara didn’t know why, but the overly happy secretary was grating her nerves a bit. “Yes. This afternoon is fine.” “Okay great! We look forward to seeing you, oh, one last thing. If there are any medications that you’re currently taking, would you mind bringing those in? That’ll be great! Thanks.” “Yep. No problem. See you this afternoon.” Sara hung up before the cheery secretary could respond and went to find Beth.
“Well, got an appointment with Dr. Morgan for this afternoon.” She said as she came into the kitchen were Beth was eating a bowl of Trix. Beth stopped eating and looked up at her. “You sure this is what you need to do?” concern in every word. “Yeah, I have to do something. Weird things are going on and if I’m losing my grip on reality, it’s better to catch it now than later. I simply can’t keep living like this.” Sara grabbed herself a bowl and indulged herself to some of the kid’s cereal. “Silly wabbit…” Beth began. “Trix are for kids, yes I know, that’s why you’re eating them.” Sara added with a slight chuckle. “Want me to go with you Sara?” Beth asked without looking up from the daily comic strip she was currently going over. “Of course. That is, if you want to. You don’t have to or anything.” Sara didn’t want to impose her problems onto Beth any more than she already had. “I mean, you may hear things that...” Sara looked up at her friend. “That may hurt? I know. I’m ready for that, what’s going to bother me is how much it hurts you.” Beth set her comics aside “Are you ready for that? The pain that rehashing everything will inevitably bring back?” She thought on that for a moment. “Yes, I think so.” They both finished their breakfast in silence, after they were done they washed their dishes and set them out to dry. “You know, maybe this will be the beginning of the healing process for the both of us.” Sara lamented. “Either way, I’m with you all the way. No matter how long this journey may take, I’m not going to let you travel down these dark roads alone.” Beth gave her shoulder a hit. “Me and you chica. To insanity and back, if that’s what it takes.” Sara found herself relying more and more on the strength Beth provided. She didn’t know if she could travel those dark roads by herself. More likely she’d curl up on the side, in the ditch of despair, and wallow in her collapsing sanity, fear, hurt, and anger and give into the weight that seemed to press down on her these days. She could feel the darkness creeping in, a little more each day. She could feel the slipping of her grip on reality, like trying to hold onto a pole covered in ice. She knew without Beth, she’d be lost. Beth was the light that kept her focused, centered. She was the one thing that kept Sara in the here and now. She knew she’d never be able to pay Beth back for all of this, yet she would spend the rest of her days being the best friend to her as she could possibly be.